There's a song..

Sometimes.. there's a song that will just totally bury you inside of it.. and you just want it to cover every bit of your being.. you want to live it.. love it.. and embrace it as your own.. you wish to identify with every word.. every note.. every turn in the melody..

This song.. this song written by Scott Alan.. called "The Journey.." is definitely one of them..

It seems to be the quintessential wedding song.. and I pray that one day.. I will be able to use it.. sing it.. have it represent the love I have found with my husband.. and the life that we will share for the rest of our lives.. and hold sacred the vows we make in front of God and our family and friends..

Gosh.. this song.. is.. amazing!

THE JOURNEY

Josh

I could stay in this forever
Enfold you nightly in my arms
Sing you lullaby’s whenever
I’ll give to you all that I can

You will never have to worry ‘bout the future
I will make sure everyday that I provide
I will hold you through the night
Until the sky turns light
The journey now begins, with you and I

Jill

The love we created has exceeded
Any measurements I’ve ever known
Brought joy to me, when it was needed
It’s nice to know I’m not alone

I will make sure you are reminded that I love you
I will walk miles just to hold you by my side
I’ll protect you while you sleep
Make every dream complete
The journey now begins, with you and I

Josh
I’ll treat everyday with you like it’s the beginning

Jill
I will be your strength in times when you are weak

Josh
I will never be to far away from you

Josh and Jill
There is nothing I won’t do

Josh
You will never have to worry ‘bout the future

Jill
I’ll make sure you are reminded that I love you

Josh
I will make sure everyday that I provide

Jill
I’ll walk miles just to hold you by my side

Josh
I will hold you through the storms

Josh
Anything to keep you warm

Josh and Jill
The journey now begins, with you and I
You and I

It's a duet sung by Josh Strickland and some girl named Jill.. I can't remember the last name.. that's why their names are there..

I can sink into this song.. and listen to it for an eternity...

Pace yourself..

My friend just told me she feels that this week is progressing rather slowly..

I told her that it felt like it's zoomed by and I have not gotten anything done for class!

She says that my boyfriend said the same thing.. that this week was zooming by fast.

Hahah.. him and I haven't really discussed the pace of the week lately.. so.. I guess we're on the same page..

School makes time fly by.. can you believe I'm already on week four for this current class.. it seems like yesterday that I was barely starting up again.. sheesh.. time does fly when in school..

I hope I find the time to finish all that needs to be finished and i'm not cramming on a Monday night frantic to finish..

I have been getting better at focusing and not surfing the internet as much while reading or writing.. so maybe I'll get faster at finishing the tasks at hand for class..

We could only hope!

Is it the weekend already?

It's only Tuesday!

This weekend is "the bee's" first birthday. "The bee" is my cousin's daughter. She's gonna be a year old.. man.. does time fly.. especially when it comes to kids!

Seems like only yesterday we were visiting my cousin cuz she just gave birth.. now.. that baby is going to be a year old!

I guess it's true what they say about babies.. that they grow up so fast and that you have to cherish every moment you have with them because you can never get those years back..

Then they turn into kids that give you headaches.. and you wish they were babies again..

Hunny!

October.. 6th!

Well.. this weekend was busy.. I was at my cousin's house for Friday and Saturday.. and I was helping babysit my cousin's three kids. I love those kids but they are a handful! Seven, four, and three years old... they'd drive anyone nuts.. but at the end of the day.. I miss them.. especially when they get sleepy and then they are all cuddly and "angelic.."

I know.. the picture has NOTHING to do with today's topic.. but I just thought it'd be fun to put pictures in my postings again..

That was from the last time I was at Disneyland.. I think it was the first weekend of September.. I went for my birthday and for my godson's birthday.. that was fun.. again.. the same three kids.. the same three handfuls.. but I love them.. and I guess that's the true meaning of unconditional love...

Hmmm.. I guess it's a "training course" for whenever.. if ever.. I have children of my own..

Our thoughtful spot..

It's October.. time to start financially preparing for christmas and kiddie's birthdays.. because they all seem to come around at once.. craziness..

This year has definitely been a blur.. but a fun blur.. opening another chapter in my life.. and closing so much and leaving that behind..

Well.. I guess I better get back to reading my chapters for class..

I'm starting to believe that this "business thing" is not for me.. but it's kinda too late to turn back now.. I've got at least 4 classes under my belt.. and that means I have about seven more.. so why quit now.. it'll be a financial burden.. but I know I can handle it.. when the time comes.. I just hope that this does work out for the best in the end.. cuz right now.. I'm thinking that I'd rather be a lab rat.. than a business person..

OH well..

The ladies..

Just wanted to post a picture of my best friends and I from my birthday party on Saturday. I have a new hair cut.. it's short.. unexpectedly short.. but I love it nonetheless..

Enjoy!

Tired is as tired does..

I am tired.. I'm always tired.. hahah..

Well.. it's back to reality after my pretty whirlwind birthday weekend. I gotta tell you.. celebrating the birthday is sooo much better than lamenting the birthday..

Why did I spend so many years avoiding my birthday?! LOL..

Well.. next year is the big 3-0.. minus 1.. haha.. I got that idea from my coworker.. he was all.. "how was your big 3-0.. minus 2?!" I told him I'm sooo using that as my thing for next year's birthday.

Now I gotta start thinking about the holiday season and who and what I am going to get for everyone and what's going to go on.. I decided not to do the ACT thing with my friends this year.. because it's in a farther facility.. and it's still $100 which I am trying to save money for upcoming student loans I will start paying back in 2010.. and I don't wanna find myself in a financial bind over it.. so I start now.. and who knows what kinda things will come up..

I look back at my life.. this past year.. and I can see how much I have changed.. how much more positive I am about everything..

How I have finally learned to "let go.. and let God" in my life.. how.. I can find happiness despite everything seeming so negative at times..

I know that life is always going to be an uphill climb.. but I know that once I get to my destination.. I'll be able to look down on it all.. and it will all be so amazing!

Here we are.. doomsday?!

Well.. it's my birthday and despite the fact that I am sitting here at work.. it's actually been great so far...

Went to dinner with the family and "the boyfriend" came out just in time to have dinner.. and the whole fam went to go watch that new movie "Eagle Eye."

It's actually an ok movie.. and it makes me think twice about how much stuff I reveal about myself on the internet.. lol.. scary thought.. watch the movie and you'll see why..

Then I went home and opened the gift that Joe got me... a Wii Fit.. which is perfect because I had been wanting it for sometime now.. so I ended up staying up til 2am playing and stuff..

Now.. I'm at work..

Which shouldn't be that hard.. if I just get off the computer and get some work done! hahaha!

Happy Birthday to me.. and I hope to have loads of fun tonight!

Tomorrow.. you're only a day away..

Today is my last day of twenty seven.. tomorrow starts the first day of twenty eight.

Exciting.

I start off the day at work.

What a way to spend a saturday birthday.

I'm definitely not complaining. I took yesterday off cuz I was.. and kinda still am.. sick.. so working on Saturday makes up for it a little bit. Can't complain.

Gonna eat a lot these next few days... dun.. dun.. dun..

Hope to have lotsa pictures when the weekend's over!

Now you know that's cute!

You give your hand to me..

One day at a time.. I guess that's just how I'm going to deal with it.. I mean.. I've said it before.. maybe on another blog.. but I'll have to say it again..

I'm know he's here today.. happy he was here yesterday.. and I pray he'll be here tomorrow..

I shouldn't think about it anymore.. but I wasn't kidding when I told him that this will now loom over us omniously until we figure out what to do..

The things I know is that he makes me happy.. takes care of me like no other guy has really ever done.. and I can honestly say that is the truth.. I know that I will be hurt if we decide that we shouldn't continue..

But I shouldn't think about it.. I should just be happy about the present.. and not think so much about the future.. but he's like me.. always thinking ahead..

I used to get told about that.. other guys hated that i always thought ahead.. and always thought of the worst case scenario.. now he does the same thing.. and I'm trying to just think about the present and be happy about the present.. cuz right now.. this is all we have..

The present is all we have.. to touch.. to feel.. to experience.. the future will come but no one knows what it is going to bring.. so we have to deal with the now.. and trust that the future will come and give us something to look forward to..

So.. from this point on.. tho' I worry.. and tho' I think.. I have to remind myself that there really is..

No day but today..

Sheesh.. I knew that making RENT one of my favorite musicals of all time would pay off eventually..

The buzzkill..

Well.. it's happened..

He and I had "the talk.." and that could never be good.

I mean.. we both kinda knew what we were getting into when we first started this.. long distance.. limited time.. ultimately.. we either make.. or break.. when the time came.. if we "make" then one of us or both of us.. pretty much has to uproot their lives for the sake of the relationship.. if neither of us are really willing.. then.. we have no choice but to "break".. right?

Five months..

I guess it's sorta early to really expect one of us to be willing to uproot for the other..

But still..

Scary thought to think I may actually lose this guy in the end..

I really don't want to. I may have said that about pretty much every single guy I've been with.. don't we all?

I want to say he's different from all the other guys.. but I say that all the time too..

I will say this..

At this point in my life.. I know he is who I want to be with.. whether it be for the long term or the short term.. I know I want to be with him.. no one else.. and that's that. It scares me to think he could just be another one to add to my list of failed relationships.. but if that's the way it's gonna be.. do I really have any other choice?

I just pray that everything will turn out the way it's supposed to.. that we find our answers.. and that i might hopefully find the "happily ever after" i have always been searching for.. whether it be with him.. or anyone else..

Pray.

The Lord definitely provides..

Last weekend, the Men's Cursillo class only had about 11 candidates for the weekend.. just a few candidates short of the usual goal that we need to have the weekend.. but we were going to have it anyway..

Today.. there will be about 16 candidates experiencing and living out their Cursillo weekend.

The Lord definitely does not disappoint. He may keep us on our toes, but he definitely provides.. always.

Praying for a successful Cursillo weekend and may all those that are helping provide the candidates with an experience they may cherish for their lifetime.

Ten days..

Let the countdown begin.. ten days until I turn 28.

I'm not bitter.. I'm actually kind of excited. This is the first time in many, many years that I am actually going to celebrate.. with friends..

It's my countdown to 30 party.. celebrating the last few years of my twenties..

It'll be fun to celebrate it with the friends that I cherish most in life.. and the boyfriend whom I hope will someday be someone I can look back at smile upon...

It helped a lot that my actual birthday fell on a Saturday this year.. it was more motivation.. I mean.. how often does one's birthday fall on a weekend.. why waste a good weekend night?

Right?

I hope you had the time of your life..

San Diego came and went and now I'm back home with pictures and memories to last a lifetime.

We all had fun.. the family.. the signficant others..

The weather was good.. and I got a little sun burnt but it's nothing to cry over..

I am still kind of tired and in "vacation mode" but I'm quickly snapping out of that with all that I have to do here at work today.. it's kinda hard to stay lazy when there are a million things sitting on my deck waiting to get done.

I am kind of hungry so I'm thinking of an early lunch. I fell asleep the minute I got home yesterday.. I only intended to stay in bed for a little bit, but ended up staying asleep til pretty much this morning.

It felt good to get all those hours of sleep.. but it meant that I ended up skipping dinner last night.. oops..

I'm paying for it now cuz I am starving.

I think I'll try to post some pictures up here like I used to of the various memories I made this past weekend.. hopefully I don't get lazy or anything.. hahaha.. I can't help it.. another class is starting up again.. and so.. my time will be occupied by reading and paper writing again.. boo..

All that glitters is gold..

The day is dragging.. on and on and on..

I want it to be five o'clock already.

I feel like a kid that is anxiously anticipating the hours til they get to go to disneyland.. i remember being like that.

I remember being like that commercial where the kids are lying in bed wide awake cuz they are too excited to sleep. That was me.. then.. and now.

I guess the day isn't really draggin on as slow as I'm letting on. It's moving.. just not fast enough.. that's all.

I get to see "boy" after two weeks of not seeing him. I was watching "A Walk To Remember" last night and for some reason it really, really, really made me miss him. Its not like he's absolutely perfect like the lead male character.. I don't know.. I just missed him after watching it.

That's all.. nothing profound behind it.. I just did.

Maybe I should have asked for a shorter day. Nah.. I don't want to lose any hours because we are so short-handed here in the lab.

I guess I gotta do what I gotta do..

San Diego.. here we come.. well.. tomorrow!

So.. the fam vacation starts tomorrow..

And to clarify for some people that may be reading this..

I had scheduled this weekend a few months ago.. totally forgetting that "boy" was going to be out of town with his friends. When he found out, he kind of whined at me for scheduling it for that particular weekend.. but what could I do.. that was the only available weekend I had...

He had every intention of still going on that trip.. until about two weeks ago.. when he started having second thoughts..

Up until this past Monday.. he was undecided and I had put it in my head that he was going to Vegas.. until he told me he was staying..

I don't know if that really means anything.. i am glad he's gonna be there.. so I'll just leave it at that!

Conversations..

It's amusing.. the kinds of conversations you can have with a person.

Take for instance.. the "significant other.."

Topic of conversation: bedtime.

I don't know how or why it got started.. it just did.. he's saying that he wouldn't mind being the kind of couple that would turn in at 9pm. I mean.. really?

He's only two years older than me.. why is he acting like that?

I guess I wouldn't mind an earlier bedtime, I mean.. that means more sleep and more refreshed feeling in the morning..

But honestly.. that would only work if there were no kids in the picture.. at least no babies..

That would be sooo unfair if he'd continue to go to bed at 9pm while I have to tend to a child with changing sleep patterns..

Well.. that's too much "future" thinking..

But sheesh.. I'm from a family who's bedtimes range from 11ish pm to 1ish am.. we arent early sleepers.. we are early risers.. but not by choice.. we like to sleep in..

He's just silly..

Tho' many times..

I am bored at work. I currently have nothing to do until someone does something to give me some samples and then I can get to work.

As for now, I am trying to walk around and looking busy because I hate being idle at work.

I work in a lab and there should always be something for me to do.

Today is just one of those rare days.

This weekend is the family trip to San Diego. My boyfriend lives in San Diego. I had accidentally scheduled this trip to occur with he would be out of town with some guy friends of his.

Apparently, he's deciding not to go on that trip and spending the weekend with me and family.

I know I shouldn't be blogging it because I don't want to jinx it, but those are the plans so far. I won't be ecstatically happy until I actually see him that weekend. As of now, anything goes and he could suddenly be talked into going on that trip and then I'm left without a partner cuz my brother is bringing his girlfriend and the my parents have each other.

Well..

If he does spend the weekend with me and the fam over his friends in Vegas.. that kinda says a lot.. doesn't it?

Sleep.. sleep.. sleep..

I would love to be asleep right now.

I'm finishing up one last chapter before I can do so. I just need a brain break.

It's my last week of this class. I get a week off. I cherish these weeks off. The six week classes go by soo quickly. I can't believe it. It seems like I was JUST complaining about this class during week one. Now I'm almost done.

I think after this I have eight more classes.

It's faster than I thought. I think I can survive this.

It's not so bad when I think of it in that sense.

Hmm..

Welcome to September..

We have now entered my "birthday month.."

September.. a whole month of birthday fun.. haha.. I wish.

My birthday is towards the end of September and looking at my calendar.. the whole month is pretty booked. I can't believe how fast time is going.

Twenty-eight.

On the twenty-seventh.

That's it folks.. we're counting down my 20s.. gonna party into my 30s..

I gotta make the most of this.. you only have your 20s once in your life!

Everybody wants to live happily ever after..

And well.. I'm no exception..

Haha.. had the wierdest dream last night.. er.. the other night.. I'm not quite sure which night.. but I know it was a recent dream.

I was on one end of a football field. It kind of looked like FoHi's football field.. maybe because that's the only football field I've been on.. with the exception of our own high schools.. but that was more like a vast field.. with no stadium seats or anything..

Ugh.. I digress.

Anyway.. and Joe.. the boyfriend.. was on the fifty yard line.. I was part of a game show.. hosted by two of my friends.. and the guy asked the easy questions.. and the girl asked the hard questions. I had to flip a coin to determine which one of them would ask me the question.

For each question I got right.. Joe came closer to me. For every question I got wrong.. he moved away.. and if he hit the end of the field.. he was to walk away from my life.. FOREVER..

Sad!

Anyway.. it seemed ok at first.. I was getting asked by both people and I'd get some right.. some wrong... Joe stayed at around the fifty yard line..

Then.. suddenly.. i was getting questions from the girl.. one after the other and I would watch him get farther and father and farther away from me.. and I could hear him yelling out for me.. but he was getting so far away that we couldn't make out what he was saying anymore..

Then.. somehow.. I found out that the girl switched out the coins and that she rigged it so that she would be asking the questions all the time.. and he was going to eventually walk out of my life..

When I started to get out of my podium to do something.. my alarm goes off.. so I don't know how the dream would have ended..

Hmm..

Dreams are interpretations of the subconscious..

I wonder what my subconscious is so worried about..

Having some fun..

Let's try something..

My birthday is exactly a month away.. and I realized that I really haven't done anything new in a long time.

So.. I'm thinking.. it's time step out of my comfort zone and do something completely out of my personality.

My boyfriend (yes.. he's officially my boyfriend now..) says I should do golf... haha.. that's only cuz he plays golf.. and I'm sure he'd like to get me into it too.. but ya.. um.. let's start with something else..

Hmm.. I got this out-of-the-way notion to go on some sort of hike.. get in tune of nature.. to get in tune with the natural gifts that God has graced us with.. God graced all of us with the beauty of the world.. and I just want to see if I can be a part of that.. outside the realm of shopping malls and amusement parks and man-made luxuries..

The whole world is out there.. and I am opening doors.. and answering the calls that are sent to me..

I just want to see if i can handle the exposure to it al..

Everyone knows I'm the complete opposite of "outdoorsy"

I'm getting older.. let's try being "outdoorsy.." even if just once more..

<3

One of the greatest weekends I've had in awhile.

Gosh.. that boy really knows how to make me smile.

It's getting harder and harder to breathe..

All that strength.. crumbles.. instantaneous.

I refuse to let it get to me. I refuse to let all the months of strength and rebuilding my life into something I can be proud of.. crumble in a matter of minutes.

I'm allowed my moments of weakness.. but that's all that they will be.. just moments.. not lifetimes.

I don't want to be insecure. I don't want this to be the driving force that will take away all the happiness I've tried so hard to attain and retain.

I shouldn't be needy. I shouldn't have to be needy. Neediness will just make him think that I am weak and that I can't handle things on my own.. when I know I can.

I know I just need him right now. I just need him to be here, but it's hard when being "here" is an hour and a half away from him. But I refuse to be that needy girl that needs to be comforted all the time.

I have to be strong because I have no choice. I have to be strong because I don't want him to find me weak. I spent the good portion of our beginning showing him how strong I really am. I refuse to contradict all that with one or two bad incidents tearing me down.

I don't know how to approach this.. I don't know where the line stands between strength and weakness..

Some kind words.. thoughts.. advice.. that would be really nice right now..

Zoom!

Wow.. I usually complain about how slow the week is going.. but today.. I'm going to have to complain about how FAST the week is flying by.

I really need it to slow down.

I'm going to be in San Diego this weekend to spend some time with the guy that I am seeing and the last thing I wanted to do was bring homework with me. My goal was to finish my paper and some discussion questions by Thursday night. If I had to, I would have done some last minute things on Friday before I left.

Looks like I may have to bring some stuff out with me this weekend.

Sad.

But I guess I gotta do what I gotta do!

All the world is a stage..

And everyone has their part..

It's all been written...

Do we really have a "choice"?

Or are our "choices" already decided for us..

Philosophical.. I know..

All I long for.. I have found by the water..

It's too quiet.. there are some ppl at work that are at a workshop.. leaving me and someone else.. all by our lonesome in the lab.. it's way too quiet..

My thoughts have gotten very loud to make up for the lack of background noise.

My mind wanders aimlessly and I am psyching myself out for no apparent reason. Well.. I have plenty of reason.. but I refuse to let those thoughts and possibilities get to me at the moment.. I refuse..

There is also a song stuck in my head.. from church.. and well.. maybe it's trying to tell me something..

Lord, You Have Come
1. Lord, you have come to the seashore,
neither searching for the rich nor the wise,
desiring only that I should follow.

Refrain
O, Lord, with your eyes set upon me,
gently smiling, you have spoken my name;
all I longed for I have found by the water,
at your side, I will seek other shores.

2. Lord, see my goods, my possessions;
in my boat you find no power, no wealth.
Will you accept, then, my nets and labor?

3. Lord, take my hands and direct them.
Help me spend myself in seeking the lost,
returning love for the love you gave me.

4. Lord, as I drift on the waters,
be the resting place of my restless heart,
my life's companion, my friend and refuge.

Not crying over spilt milk..

I spilled my lunch milk in my car today.. and no.. I didn't cry.

I was annoyed.. and angry.. and frustrated.. but I didn't cry. Then I realized.. why am I getting worked up over this... clean it up.. and I get to have a yummy lunch instead of "diet lunch.."

And I did.. beef udon.. mmm..

It's 100 degrees outside today.. and i'm having Japanese soup..

My friend told me that it's never too hot for ME to have soup.. that's cuz I love soups.. of all forms and flavors.. I'm a soup person and I can eat soup all the time if I could.. hahah..

So.. If life spills your milk.. go get japanese food instead!

The case of the Mondays..

My tummy feels icky.. my head is pounding.. I overslept this morning.. and the door is still locked to the PCR room at work..

It's Monday..

Can't you feel the "monday blues" in the air?

I don't remember the last time I complained about a Monday.. but it sure feels like a good day to do so now..

Oh geez.. I even have a stiff neck!

Oh well.. what can you do.. can't turn back time.. can't change things.. gotta just roll with it.. and hope for the best..

Let's just hope that tomorrow will be a better day..

Dun.. dun.. da.. da.. da.. da..

Love songs have new meaning..

Not in the whole "wide-eyed.. bushy-tailed" way.. I mean.. there are more senitmental meanings to love songs..

But I don't know if it's "love.."

We'll just leave it at that..

I went to go visit an old friend who just had a baby two weeks ago.. she's doing well.. and so is the little darling girl.. It's amazing to see all these girls that I practically grew up with.. being mothers.. it was wierd enough watching them all get married.. it wasn't wierd in a bad way.. wierd in an amazing way.. that way that really hits home.. saying "we're grown ups.. now.."

Now.. most of them have entered motherhood.. and I couldn't be more happier.. I love babies and to be able to have these little babies around me.. and being able to give them back when they get out of hand... that's like.. the dream! Hahaha..

In reality.. I'd love to have one of my own.. and I pray that it will happen.. sooner than later.. but I'm willing to wait because I trust God has his plan for me.

I just know that when I do have a child.. I plan on being an amazing mother.. and super wife..

But I know I'll definitely miss my sleep.. yawn.. I'm sleepy now!

It's crazy..

Feelings..

Feeling things..

Emotions..

What makes you fall for someone.. and what makes you not fall for someone else?

Say.. for example.. two people treat you the same way.. they both take care of you.. they both like you.. they both respect you.. what makes you fall for one.. and not the other.. what makes you feel things for one.. and feeling differently about the other?

What attracts two people to each other? What attracts two perfect strangers to each other? What makes two complete strangers "click" upon their first meeting? What makes someone want to get to know another person? What makes a person.. that never used to be the one to "call first".. call that other person first? What makes a person do things completely different than he or she used to in regards to relationships?

What makes a person trust their current partner.. when they could barely trust their former partners?

What makes things "different"??

What makes people love each other?

How do you know you love someone? How do you know you are falling in love with someone.. especially since all the other times you've "fallen in love" it all fell apart? How do you know you are right this time? What if you're wrong again?

What makes a person fall in love with someone.. and is it the same thing that can make a person fall OUT of love with someone?

If you fall out of love.. were you really in love in the first place?

So many questions.. so many feelings.. so many thoughts.. racing through my head.. shouldn't this just be easy.. why is it soo hard this time around?!?

Cleansed..

Well.. I'm sitting here and I should be doing homework..

When I got rid of the dress.. I never thought that I would have so many emotions going through me. I wanted to cry.. I wanted to laugh.. I wanted to breathe a sigh of relief.. I wanted to take it back and run home..

I know that getting rid of it was the best thing i could do. I knew that getting rid of it was something I had to do. I needed to cleanse myself of that old part of me. I needed to finally let go of that part of me. I don't know why I was holding on to that part for so long.. but I guess I was.

The brightside is that I have more room in my closet now. And that totally got me over the wierd emotions I was going through..

Now.. let's hope I get another chance to buy another dress.. not anytime soon.. but hopefully in the near future..

Going.. going.. gone!

Today is the day I get full closure. Mark this date.. July 29th, 2008. Today.. a chapter of my life will finally close.. and I can begin a whole new book.. one without any markings of this past..

Now you may wonder what the heck I'm talking about.. well.. I'll tell you.

Today.. I'm finally going to give away that wedding dress that has been sitting in my closet since 2006. I was supposed to get married.. remember. Little did anyone know.. but I had the dress.. I made him swear that we were going to go through with the wedding and he said yes.. and we both thought that's what we wanted.. so I bought it..

And it sat.. and sat.. and sat.. in my closet..

Through postponements.. break ups.. make ups.. cancellations.. drama.. drama.. drama.. it sat there.. waiting to be used.

Well.. I hope it will be used.. it just won't be by me. I wish who ever will end up with it a lifetime of love and happiness.. the lifetime i thought i was going to have.. but didn't.. a lifetime I still pray to have and will always patiently wait for God to give me..

I'm sad.. I know this is finally admitting to the fact that I have had a failed engagement.. and even though I know that the end of that part of my life was so much more a blessing than anything.. i can't help but be sad..

And scared..

My judgement of who could be "the one" is off.. way off.. and who knows who it could be.. and what if I'm wrong again.. or what if I let "the one" pass me by.. or all those possible "what-ifs.."

I will be freed from the chains of my past relationship.. finally.. it's bittersweet.. but at the same time.. relieving..

Yet another rousing episode..

I'm tired..

So this week has definitely been one for the books..

I spent two days at UC Davis.. visiting one of the branch labs of our laboratory system.. I was there to learn stuff from them.. it was first time in my life that I have actually traveled by plane by myself. It felt like such an accomplishment. I've never been on a plane by myself.. let alone spent a night in a hotel by myself.. or meandered around a strange city all by myself..

And I did!

I know that most people have done it before.. but I bet they can remember how accomplished they were when they did it for the first time.. and so now.. i'm ready to just up and go where ever and when ever I please.. I can do it by myself too.. it's fine.. i'm not scared anymore..

I was terrifed..

So.. I'm finally feeling the effects of the week.. and I'm exhausted.

I'm going to sleep.

Terms of endearment..

Baby.. babe.. hunny.. sweetie.. sweetheart.. darling..

I don't know what it is.. well.. I used to be able to throw around terms of endearment with all the other guys I've dated.. "babe" and "baby" come to mind. I used them a lot.

This time.. I don't know.. I don't know why the terms of endearment are few and far between.. I mean.. he throws them around every so often.. and it's cute.. I like it.. it makes me feel all special and stuff.. but it's not an overkill of usage.

I guess that's why I dont throw it around as often either..

I guess I tend to adapt to whatever the guy is like..

My ex was very clingy.. in turn.. I became very clingy.. even though I'm a person that loves her free time and space.. I found myself becoming very clingy in that relationship..

This guy likes freedom and space.. perfect for me because I love the same thing.. it's like.. this is the relationship that I seemed to not have to adjust myself to so much.. I don't have to adjust my ways to match his.. because is some senses.. his ways.. are already my ways..

I don't want to put too much thought into it..

Three months is too soon to assume anything.. especially in the damaged and jaded state i'm in..

I wish it were different and that I can be more optimistic and hopeful in relationships.. but I think I've been too messed up by past experiences that I just can't see myself doing that right now.. maybe in time.. I'll learn to give into relationships again.. but I just need some time..

700th post.. and all I do is a video..

Maturity takes over.. for now..

Well.. I've decided to NOT get the Blackberry.

I honestly don't need it.. I just want it.

I have to learn that I can't have everything that I want.  I mean..  I already know that I can't have everything I want.. look at how my life has been so far.. I should be an expert on knowing that I can't get what I want.

But I think that I compensate by buying whatever I want.

Not this time.  I need to save money and be wiser with money because I do have student loans coming.. eventually.. that I need to pay off.. and the more money I save.. the more I can just throw into the loan and get it paid off so much faster..

Then it's back to buying whatever I want..

Unless I get married by then.. haha.. 

Who knows.. the future is bright and full of blessings.. 

To buy.. or not to buy.. that IS the question..

Reasons to NOT get a Blackberry Curve:
- I'm not a business person.. I'm a lab rat..
- I have NO obvious reason to be THAT connected to my email..
- It's wider than my current phone.. can't put it in my pocket..
- It's difficult to type "one-handed" with it.. or is it?!?!
- Do I really need to be "connected online" all the time?!?!?
- What exact purpose do I need this Blackberry for?!?!
- Phone nazi's... 'nuff said..
- What sort of "technological advantage" it is gonna give me?!?!
- Do I NEED it more than I WANT it?!?!?
- Something better might come a couple months later..

Reasons to get a Blackberry Curve:
- A super deal.. $50 after rebate..
- It's cute..
- It's really cute..
- It's pretty sexy looking..
- It's a Blackberry..
- I've always wanted a Blackberry..
- Can't let a good deal pass like that.. can I?!?!
- I'll always be connected..
- I can send emails..
- I can send emails at work.. during lunch and breaks..
- It's DAMN CUTE!
- Takes better pictures than my current phone..
- $30/mo gives me unlimited email and web browsing..
- Sound quality is better..
- Great f*ckin' deal I can't pass up!

Ugh.. what to do.. what to do.. what to do..

Advice?!?! Anyone?????

Delirious..

This week has definitely been a weird one..

I've been on a doctor's work order to not come in until next week.  The hives have gotten to be too much and I've been on allergy pills that make me sooo groggy and sleepy.  But I've been learning to fight the sleepiness because I will never get anything done otherwise.

But I think I've been fighting it off so much that today I'm reaching a breaking point.. and I'm officially delirious.. 

It's hard to focus.. but I really need to fight this... my head is so heavy.. but I'm actually giddier than I have been these past few days.. 

Delirious.. but happy.. deliriously happy.. i don't know why.. maybe it's the drugs.. maybe it's just all the things I've been going through have just given me perspective.. I don't know.. I just am..

But I need to sleep.. hahaha.. I need to shut my eyes and get rid of my "zombie" mode..

Too bad I have homework.. 

Bruises fade..

Sigh.. 

I'm still battling this cold.. actually.. the cold is going away.. it's been replaced with hives.. all.. over.. my.. body.. ugh..

I think that the massive itchy feeling is so much worse than any cold.. seriously..

But this is not what we are going to talk about today.. 

Let's talk about how the boy in my life has pretty much made me a happy camper.. despite the crazy itchy feeling.. which I'm being treated for now.. so I should be getting better soon.. thank God.

Anyway..

I don't know how to start this.. I really don't.. so lets ramble on for a bit and hopefully I find some direction.. 

He had chocolate covered strawberries delivered to me today.. to help me feel better.. took me totally by surprise.. something I have never experienced with any guy I have ever been with before.. something I am not used to.. I think that this has been bumped up to the "most romantic thing a guy has done for me category.."

I'm happy.. gosh.. I feel like a giddy high school girl that got a balloon gram from her boyfriend.. haha.. he makes me happy.. something that I've had a hard time admitting to myself.. 

I like him.. a lot.. a whole lot..

It's great.. but I'm terrified.. 

The greatest lyrics I ever heard..

Anyone who can touch you

Can hurt you or heal you

Anyone who can reach you

Can love you or leave you

It's from a song by Natasha Bedingfield.  The song is called "I Bruise Easily.."

The whole song is basically something I can relate to, but I think this stanza is something that I really relate to the most.  

It's so very true.. in my opinion.. 

Oh man.. oh man..

I took half of yesterday and all of today off. 

I'm sick.

My throat hurts, my sinuses are congested, and my head is about to explode.  

But.. I have to go to work tomorrow.  

I slept as much as I could today.  Didn't help that I was woken this morning by text messages from my best friend and the guy I'm dating.. my "edp.. exlusive dating partner.."  Then, when I tried to take a nap.. I was woken up again by text from him.. I don't mind.. I like hearing from him.. but I'm sick.. so.. ya.. 

My friend said that it was because I have been overworking myself lately.. which is true.  I have been so busy with school and work and church that it's starting to take it's toll on me.. I know I have to slow down.. but I am just not at a good "slowing down point" in my life..

I know that I will hit it eventually.. I will slow down.. settle.. and have a family of my own.. hopefully that will slow me down.. 

Well.. having a family of my own won't necessarily slow me down.. I know I'll just as busy.. but in a different way.. and I look forward to that.. 

But for now.. tho' I wear myself out so thin that getting sick is the only way to slow me down.. I like my life.. it will have to take something pretty special to slow me and settle me.. and I secretly hope that this something special is already in my life somehow.. 

Who knows... 

Prayers.. 

The weight on my chest..

I refuse to let my past haunt my present.. and my future.

I mean.. I made mistakes.. I made bad judgements.  We all have.. right?

I may not have been the best person before.  But I sure as heck want to be the best person I can be now.  I made the decision that I wasn't going to play those games anymore.  I'm looking for different things in life and I know I can change myself for the better.  I've been doing a good job of that so far.

I refuse to screw this up.  

He's concerned that my past will leak into our present.. possibly affecting a future.. 

He has to be wrong.  It's up to me whether I will allow those things to come up again or not.. and I will NOT let them come up.  That's just not what I want in life anymore.  I am a different person with different goals.. and different ways to get them.

This shouldn't bother me.. but it does.  We had this conversation just about an hour ago.. 

I guess he has a right to kinda know what he's getting into by learning about some of my past.. but he also said that as long as things don't leak into the future.. then he's ok with it.. but the thing is.. he's doubting that it could really be part of my past.. he's doubting whether or not I can keep it in my past.. 

I can.  I know I can.. 

I'm scared that my stupid mistakes are going to affect how he deals with me and how far this is going to go.  I want this to possibly something long-term.  I can see it going there if things continue to be the way they are.  He's a nice guy and I like him.  I don't want to screw it up by things I've done BEFORE I met him.. you know?

I'm not a bad person.. but I also know that I really haven't been a great person.. 

I was a flirt.. I was highly flirtatious.. I was known for that for the longest time.. not that I followed through with a lot of the flirtatious banter.. but I did a lot of "talk.."  And yes.. I still am friends with a lot of the guys I had these flirtatious relationships with.. but friendships evolve and most of my guy friends know that when I'm exclusively seeing someone.. they back off.. and they don't say anything and they know that I won't say anything to screw anything up with the person I'm seeing.. 

But things are different.. I'm at a different part of my life right now.. can he see that?  Will he be able to see that?  Or will he always see that part of me and always be concerned that it will possibly come back and bite us in the ass??

I'm different now.. and I hope that he can see that.. how am I going to prove myself? 

I guess.. I just have to keep doing what I'm doing.. I can be the best person I can be.. and then some.. I know I can.. I just pray he can see that too.. 

Pictures..

My brother's graduation.. and there are pictures of me and "the new boy.."

Enjoy!

At least it's the first day of the rest of my life..

I'm not bitter.. I never really was.. it's just that there are certain things in life that irk me.. and for some reason.. "this" does..

I don't know why I just feel so "shot in the gut" when I come across things like that.. you know..

I know it's a part of my past.. it will always be part of my past.. but if he was trying to get to me.. then.. it's not working in the sense that he thinks it is..

I know what I have now.. and I really enjoy what I have now.. it's completely different that was he could have ever given me.. and I thank God everyday that I have what I have now and that God showed me how things could really be with someone else.. someone better..

It bothers me because it just seems so fake.. like he's trying to hard to show me up..

It angers me cuz he is flaunting something to prove a point.. and I know that he may never admit to that.. but I know that's what he's doing..

He wants to hurt me.. it doesn't hurt me..

It irks me.. and "irking" is not necessarily "hurting" me..

You would never see me flaunt what I have now.. I am proud of it.. and I am happy because of it.. but I will never flaunt it..

I don't have to prove to anyone that I am happy.. I don't have to prove it to anyone but myself.. and who ever I'm involved with..

And definitely not to him..

Ugh.

Makes me wonder..

Sometimes I wonder why I can be soo happy about something in my life.. and then.. a sudden twist of events causes me to doubt it all..

I mean.. here I am.. totally content in the situation I am in.. happy.

Then.. I dig around and find something out that can be detrimental to my happiness..

I mean.. I don't think I should let it get to me.. but it could be big enough to really affect what I have in my life right now and If I avoid it.. I just may end up more hurt than ever..

It's like God says.. "Here you go.. enjoy.."

And then.. I do enjoy it..

But then God says.. "Oh.. wait.. there's a catch.. "

Ugh.. why must there be a catch?! I knew that this was all too good to be true.. and I don't want to see pessimistic.. but I kinda doubted that I could be 100% content in this situation.. it did seem too good to be true..

But then again.. this could be a test.. if I can handle it.. right?

What to do.. what to do..

I'm just full of insight..

I took a look at where I was one year ago today.

Blogs are great for that stuff. All you have to do is look at June 2007 and see what went on.

I know this month last year was quite significant because this was the month that turned my world upside down and topsy turvy. And it all happened in one quick night. This was the month that Justyn and I ended the engagement.. ended the relationship.. and caused my world to crumble for that moment..

But look at me now..

Can I honestly say that I regret everything that's happened?!

I can honestly say that my world.. my life.. my outlook has changed for the better..

Such a learning experience and a blessing in disguise.

I read of the hurt.. I read of my heartache.. and I know that at that time.. those feelings were genuine. But I wouldn't ever go back and change a thing.. I'd go through it again with him just to see how strong I am right now.

There are no "what ifs" or "should have be this.."

It was how it was supposed to be..

And whereever life may lead me.. I know that I will be nothing but blessed along the way.. because that's just how it's always been and will always be..

What I did for love..

Talk about the ultimate procrastination..

I went to Las Vegas on Memorial Day weekend.

I have only now unpacked from that trip.

Yes.. I know.. LAZY!

Hahahaa.. oh well.. at least now it's almost done. I also realize that I have way more clothes than I do hangers to hang them in. Uh oh. Time to get rid of some stuff. If only it were that easy. I always feel like I'm going to have a use for some article of clothing. I mean.. i would get rid of a lot of my shirts and give it away to the local Salvation Army.. but I need those shirts for work.. I can't go into the lab in a tank or tube top..

Oh well.. what to do.. what to do.. what to do..

Maybe I should stop buying clothes..

OH NO!

June.

Can you believe we are HALFWAY through 2008 already?!!?

Where is all the time going? I know I say this every year and every month, but why does it feel like it's flying soooo fast this year? I have no idea what I have gotten accomplished so far.

Well.. no.. let's take a step back and think..

I did start working on this MBA.. which seems more like a curse than a blessing at the moment.. but I know that I'm only saying this now because I am soo not in the mood to write a paper.

I've met some new people that make me happy. I ended a connection with someone that no longer made me happy.

I'm taking a chance on things in life and I'm not regretting anything so far.

I guess, with as fast as time is going, there are many blessings that are embedded in it all. Those blessings were not only for me, but for a lot of my friends and family, and for that, I know that I am blessed. When my friends and family are happy, then I am happy.

I have learned so much about myself and life and how I handle things over the past few years that I have changed so much..

I feel like I've reached this whole level of maturity.. looking back at the person I was at the beginning of the year.. I feel like I have changed so much. I don't know how or why, but I did.

Blessings.. all around.. blessings..

You dig?!?!

I feel bad..

So.. I realized that I have been blogging less and less as time goes on.

Is it a lack of "blogging material?"

No. I highly doubt it.

Is it lack of time?

It's possible.

Is it laziness?

That would have to be a majority of it.

It's that I have nothing to talk about. You all know me. i always have something to talk about. It's just that I run out of time during the day, and then when I do find time, I'm too lazy to come on here and blog it.

Oh well. I'm obviously trying to change it. I hope. I've got a lot of catching up to do and a lot of things in my mind. So I guess it's the perfect time to really start blogging again.

Like.. since I'm embarking on this new "thing." I have learned things about myself and how I interact with the opposite sex. I realized that I used to thrive on the drama. I used to think that creating drama or being in drama would show how much the guy would like me or is into me. But eventually the drama would get out of hand and I would just get sick of it all.

This time around. No drama.

I'm not even looking for it. I'm not going to create it.

Whatever happens, happens. And I will not use drama to encourage or discourage anything.

That is my vow.

Prep.. prep.. prep..

Learning idiosyncracies.. so soon.. too soon?

Or is it just easier to know it all now instead of months down the road and then having to deal with it then cuz you've pretty much accepted the dooood for what he is..

If I learn it now.. I can take it and run..

That's the way to put it.. that's the way I'm going to apply it.

It's kinda like that song from my favorite musical "The Last Five Years."

Did I just hear an alarm start ringing?
Did I see sirens go flying past?
Though I don't know what tomorrow's bringing
I've got a singular impression
Things are moving too fast

I'm gliding smooth as a figure skater
I'm riding hot as a rocket blast
I just expected it ten years later
I've got a singular impression
Things are moving too fast

And you say, "Oh, no
Step on the brakes
Do whatever it takes
But stop this train
Slow, slow! The light's turing red"
But I say: No! No!
Whatever I do
I barrel on through
And I don't complain
No matter what I try
I'm flying full speed ahead
I'm never worried to walk the wire
I won't do anything just "half-assed"
But with the stakes getting somewhat higher
I've got a singular impression things are moving too fast

Thats' just a part of the song.. the rest kinda gets into the story line, and doesn't make sense for what I'm trying to say right now. Actually.. I don't really remember what I am trying to say.. Oh well..

Life is too whirlwind for me to really pay attention to what's going on. I gotta make sure my feet stay on the ground!

There you go again..

I'm sitting here, and I should be starting on this paper, but I'm finding it hard to find the focus to get this done.

It's been happening a lot with this class. I think a lot of it has to do with what I percieve as a high disinterest coming from the professor. Seriously. He doens't engage in stimulating discussion. He doesn't provide proper feedback. He is not cool at all. But I guess it's a class and every professor is different and I just have to adjust. I only have two weeks left of this class. I shouldn't worry.

Life has defnitely interesting. I think that's another reason i'm finding it hard to concentrate on anything. Suddenly, my life is this whirlwind of friends and hanging out and social stuff. I thought that now would be a good time to go back to school because my social life was currently stagnant. Oh well.. it's kinda like Murphy's Law.. right?!

Oh well.. I gotta get back and try to figure this homework stuff out..

Blah.

Motion sickness

These past few months of my life have been an absolute rollercoaster.

If I had finally let it all get to me, I think I would have driven myself absolutely INSANE.

I think I have been doing a pretty good job distancing myself from most of it. A good safe distance to avoid getting sucked in the void that I usually get sucked into.

With all the twists and turns.. I can still say to people that I'm happy. I can still tell people that life has been nothing but ups.. and that's only because I have been ignoring the downs..

I think God likes to mess with me. I think He likes to mess with all of us. It's his way of amusing Himself. And I'm not saying all of this in a bad way, oh no.

I think He likes to do this to us to show us that we are stronger than we think we are. He does this to make sure that we don't think that we don't need Him anymore. He does this to remind us that He is in our lives, that He is always here to help us when we need it. But also, that we can get through anything, especially with His help.

I can't hate anymore. I am incapable of hating anything in my life. Knowing that everything I have and everything I experience is God-given.. I can't hate. I can't sit here and say "I hate my life..'

That's like saying "I hate God and what He's given me."

I just can't do that. I don't hate God. I love all that He has given me. All the ups and the downs, all blessings, all gifts.

But I can't help but feel a little motion sickness through these twists and turns..

So if I have one request to God.. it would be to.. soften the ride.. just a little..

I fall to pieces..

I am not used to moving THIS SLOW..

But it's also fairly nice. I'm not used to it all.. not at all.. but it's a nice change of pace.

I honestly don't think that it's going to get anywhere past this. That's probably because I'm really not used to this pace.. but I'm having fun along the way. If I get hurt, then that's just my bad for falling so fast.. like I always do.

I realize that I do fall pretty fast and pretty hard everytime. It's taking every ounce of strength that I have from stopping myself from really lettiing myself get all crazy about things this time around. I don't want to get hurt and that is helping me a lot from really allowing myself to feel things.

I know that I'm having fun. That's all that matters right now.

I'm living in a brighter world..

The ups.. the downs.. life..

Serious.

I mean.. it's a relative.. isn't it? What is my up.. could be your down.. and what is my down.. could most certainly be your up. It's all relative.

I may seem like I am having such a hard time getting through these classes, but someone else would give anything for the opportunity to go back to school. So, I shouldnt' complain.

I don't want to complain, it's just that everytime I come here to enter a blog entry, that is the only thing that comes out of my fingertips.. it seems to be the only thing on my mind.

Well.. there is more.. but I could make it rather complicated, when it's really all very simple.

If there is a person, that seems like it could potentially be a good thing.. should I go for it.. even if there is a good hour and some distance between us??!

Well??

It's what everyone says..

So.. school is supposed to be a good thing. Why is it driving me insane? I feel so pressured by deadlines and papers and questions. I feel like I will never catch up. I thought I was cool because I totally was ahead of schedule last week.. but nooo.. I feel totally behind this week and it's just not right.

I think I am definitely staying up late today.. and not just because I'll be on the phone talking to a boy or anything. I will be up late because I am determined to get things finished tonight.

No night but tonight and I really need to stay focused.

Lord, please grant me focus today when I get home so that I can study straight and not have to stay up too late. Please? Thank you!

Prayers people.. prayers!

On the outside looking in..

Why do I have to make things more complicated than they really are?

Why do I have to think more into things than I really should?

Why can't I just allow myself to go with the flow.. even though the flow may possibly flowing in the opposite direction??

Why am I psyching myself out for something when in all reality.. it's all just going to end with my heart broken.. again!?

Hindsight is 20/20. And all I keep thinking about is.. "I could really get used to this.."

That's not what was supposed to happen. I was supposed to have a good time.. and not think anything more about it..

I'm so screwed.. better hydrate up.. I'm sure the waterworks will start up once he breaks my heart..

Dream a little dream of me..

I am sleepy.

Staying up late almost every night is definitely not a good thing. School keeping me up all night is also not a good thing.

I passed my first class with an A-. I'm happy, but I know I could do better. I'd like to do better. I'm hoping to do better. Time to bust my bootay and get an A.. not just an A-.

This session's class is really large. At least twenty of us in the class and everyone is really smart. I hope that I learn a lot from these people and that they learn a lot from me.

I don't want to get bogged down and crammed with school work. My CCD class is ending soon, so I should be able to gain one more day to study on Wednesday nights for school.

Partylite has slowed down again. I did a really good party with one of my coworkers and that was great. I'm hoping to find time in June to throw more really good parties. I'm going to start hitting up my other friends soon.

I can't believe this..

Time.. time.. time..

I start my new class tomorrow. It's about Transitional Leadership. I have no idea what that means, but I'm sure that I'll figure that out soon enough.

I haven't found out what my final grade for my first class is. I know that I started the last week with a 92%.. which means I was getting an A at the beginning of the last week.

We had the huge paper and our participation, so I have no idea what my grade is now. I hope that it's still up in the 90's.. I really want to get an A on all these classes.

I do know that as time progresses, that goal is going to be harder and harder to reach, but I will try my best and I know that I won't fail.

During my whole week off, I did nothing but go out and have fun. I know that I will be suffering for the next six weeks, so I tried my best to have some mind-numbing fun before hand.

This session, I really hope that I won't fall behind too far to the point that I am stressed right before the due dates of my projects. It's a learning process and by the time I finish this entire course, I would finally gotten the hang of it.

Nothing major has been going on in my personal life. My whole world has been consumed by the Masters program. I honestly don't think that's a bad thing. It keeps me away from unneccessary drama.

I am really sleepy, maybe I'll take a nap when I get home.

Oh geez.. where'd the tiime go..

So I blink for just a second and suddenly we are almost halfway through april. Madness.. madness I say.

I can't believe how fast the year is going. Actually, yes I can. The year goes by faster and faster every year and it always seems so impossible to catch up. I feel like I am always two steps behind the world.

I'm feeling a little better. I'm not 100% where I feel I should be. I refuse to let anything get me down. It's just the stress from all the paper writing and studying and it's wearing me down. I also refuse to give up.

There are several classmates of mine that are also feeling the pressure and are considering postponing their education another year. If I do that, I will never finish. I will always find that it's a "bad time" and I'll always find a reason to postpone it another year.. and another year.. and another year until I run out of time completely and I regret never going for it.

It's just a year and a half. I can handle a year and a half. I have supportive family and friends and a loving God that will always guide me in the right direction and hold my hand through it all. I have no doubt that I will succeed because the Lord has blessed me in so many ways. Because of Him, I know I can do anything.

Well.. I better go write my paper now. It's the final paper for this first class, which ends on Monday. See.. I told you time flies!

SCREAM!

I've been trying to escape this nagging feeling I have been feeling lately.

It's inexplicable.

I'm frustrated with life. There is no reason for me to be, and that's why I've been trying to ignore the feeling. But today is a different story. I'm on the shortest fuse known to man. I want some sort of adventure.

I feel like my life is at a standstill. I know that I'm not.

I'm back in school. I'm busy with Church. I've got great friends. I have a family that loves me.

I have no reason to feel so down.

But I do.

It's getting harder and harder to shake right now. I'm starting to believe that it's something physiological right now than emotional. And I want to overcome this, and there are days that are easier than others. Today is just not one of those good days. All I want to do is cry, kick, scream, yell, break things.. ugh!

I'm figuring that if I blog it, then it will relieve some of the emotional tension I am feeling. But I feel like I'll have to blog for hours and hours on end just to make myself feel better.

I would.. if I could.. but I can't.

I think a lot of it may have to do with the stress of the time crunch I am feeling due to my going back to school. It was really a shock to go back to school. I truly believed that it would be easy. Then, when I realized how much harder it really is, I downplayed it and blamed it on the fact that I hadn't been back to school in years. But now, I'm really feeling the crunch and it's really taking it's toll on me.

I really feel out of place and it's really starting to affect my morale about this course. I know that I just have to get used to it and work so much harder than anyone else, but I'm just so used to being at the top of my class, and learning everything so fast. It's a reality check and so humbling and frustrating at the same time.

I'm not handling this all well.. and I know that I just need some time.

I know I can get over this, and I don't want it to get too far before I find that I'm at the bottom of a pit again, struggling to get out...

Random blurb..

This week has to be the slowest week ever.

I feel like that kid that knows she's going somewhere cool on the weekend, and is so excited about it that the rest of the week leading up to it is absoultely, mind-numbingly slow..

Slow..

I have too much to do for class that I can't play "karaoke".. poo...

Maybe I'll sneak one in when I get home..

Inadequate.. that's who I am.

I didn't realize how much my life was going to change because of going back to school.

This weekend is a three day weekend, and I could be out doing so many things. Instead, I'm stuck in my room writing a very important paper for this class.

Sometimes I feel like i am not smart enough for this. My classmates can bring up so many valid points and questions, and I can never think of anything. When do think of something to contribute it seems to be questioned with so many more smarter points of views..

I don't want to use my lack of business classes as an excuse, I just don't feel like I think the same way they do.

In the science field, at least in what I studied, you follow strict rubrics.. things are this way or that way.. if they don't go this way.. you follow this.. this.. and this.. and it will lead you to that..

Things are clearcut and protocols are followed precisely.

Not like this..

There are millions of possibilties and outcomes.. and I just don't think I'm trained enough to think in that manner..

Not yet.. at least..

Ugh.. it's so frustrating!

Lately..

It hasn't been a great day.. it hasn't been a couple of great days..

I've been very blah lately. I can usually blame it on the weather, but the days have been absolutely beautiful outside. The sun has been out, I get to wear short-sleeved shirts, it's not cold. If anything, I should be on top of the world..

I feel like everyone is on my case. No one is leaving me alone. I have so much on my plate, and no time to do it all. I feel like I'm losing my mind at times. I drop things constantly, I forget things ALL THE TIME.. I'm just not "all there." I'm extremely tired all the time too.

And I know half of the things about feeling like everyone is on my case, or that no one is leaving me alone.. or that I have so much on my plate aren't really true. I know that no one is really on my case. I may have a lot to do, but I know I can handle it.

I just feel so unnecessarily overwhelmed.

I think a lot of it has to do with my still adjusting to the school thing. With each course being six weeks long, every week feels like "crunch week." I'm used to ten week courses during my undergrad, and I thought those were fast, but this is obviously much faster.

Another is my lack of sleep. Because of school, I'm constantly having to stay up to do my required reading and whatnot.

I know that if I just readjust those two things, that my life will return to it's highly delicate balance that it was. But for now, it just can't be. This school thing is important and I knew it was going to change things for awhile.

I just have to find my new balancing point and live my life right there for the time being.

I can do it.

I went karaoke crazy!!

Of all the songs I did tonight.. I think this was the most decent.. hahaha!

I am all about Bread!

Grease is the word.. ya!

So I played around with the online karoake before I went to Good Friday Mass.. good times..

How young is too young??

One of my students.. approximately nine years old.. told me he didn't believe in God.

He fulfilled all the requirements to pass my class.. so.. he passed.. but he told me he didn't believe in God.

I wanted to talk to my priest about it.. I wanted advice from the Religious Education Director.. I wanted advice from my priest.. i wanted advice for the Pastoral Associate..

No one wanted to help me.

The kept telling me that he was too young to understand. He's got his entire lifetime to figure it out. He's young. He's just trying to get attention. It doesn't really mean anything.

Now.. let me ask you this..

If it were one of your children that had said it.. what would you do?

I consider these students my own children. I don't have children of my own.. and so I take my student's catechesis very seriously. I want to see them grow in their faith and I understand that at the age they are in.. believing in something so profound can be overwhelming. Children need things materialized for them.. they need to see things sometimes to believe them..

Christ cannot materialize himself and come and visit my classroom. So I have to do my best to explain it all to them.

I know it could go over some kid's head. I know that some kids won't be able to understand at that specific moment. I know that it can be a tough subject to grasp.

But to blatantly tell your religious education teacher that you don't believe in God.. how is that going to make the teacher feel? Of course it will raise concern.

Why was I the only one concerned?

I got no help from my parish's religious education department. In fact, they told me not to get our parish priest involved. I wasn't going to get him involved completely.. I just needed advice!

It's RELIGiOUS EDUCATION!!! I'm not allowed to ask for spiritual guidance.. from a PRIEST!?!?!

Again.. I say to you.. if it were YOUR child that said that.. what would YOU have done???

Where have I been?

I know I say this all the time.. but I really need to check in here a lot more.

Life is busy. That's no excuse.

I've also been spending a lot of my time on another website. www.gather.com

It's one of those sites that you accumulate points with and then you can get free gift cards and whatnot. If you make enough points, you can change to a cash option and get some cash that way.

I am by no means close to that, and from what I hear from fellow "gatherites" it's not really worth it because it feels like points accumulate slower.

I don't know.. the gift cards should be good enough for me, right?

Macy's
Borders
Home Depot
Among others..

Who doesn't want a gift card to Macy's?

I've been spending a lot of time there, I can usually get about 100 points a day.. which is nothing compared to the other people there. Sheesh.. they are hardcore!

Other than that.. it's just been school.. and church.

Well.. til next time.. bye! Gotta go get some points on Gather!

I'm getting my butt kicked!

This "back to school" thing has really been a challenge for me. I didn't realize how difficult it would be to balance my time when I got home from work. I'm learning a lot and I have been reading so much information.. I can't really complain.

I just didn't realize that it would be lifestyle change for me.

It definitely means I can't do a lot of the things I used to.. at least not for the time being. I'm just so busy with school work and reading and writing papers and answers and participating in discussions.. phew!

I thought an online course would be easy.

It's so much more harder and time consuming than normal classroom courses.

In a classroom, the students are gathered in a meeting area at a specified time on specified days. The teacher teaches and there is discussion. Some students say things, other don't. There are tests to assess the amount of information that is retained. And all is right with the world.

In an online classroom, it's pretty much on your own time. The requirement is to be online at least twice a week for attendance, and four times a week for "class participation." Adding poinant discussion topics and answers is a MUST. No tests, but a lot of papers and a lot of reading. It's a discipline thing. You dont' necessarily HAVE to be in "class." There are outside world things that distract you while you are "in class."

I"m still trying to find my bearings in this whole "online learning" phenomenon. I know that I will get the hang of it and I refuse to give up.

I'm doing well.. so far. I don't want to lose that momentum!

How great is our God!

So.. we all know that I have been struggling with this cold bug for about a week and a half now..

We also know that I had to sing a really nice song for this Friday's Station of The Cross..

We all know how stressed out I had been about that..

Well.. We really have an awesome God, who blessed me with well vocal cords for tonight for me to be able to sing it. I had been babying my voice for the past week because it seems to go every so often and by night time it's usually completely gone.

I prayed so much that I would be able to sing this song for Him.

I was truly blessed by the Holy Spirit.

Thanks be to God!

Sick.. school.. voice.. yikes!

I took the day off of work today becuase I have officially gotten my butt kicked by this bug that is in me right now.. it might be a very toned down flu virus, or a bad cold virus. Either way.. I'm floored and I have to take tomorrow off to because I feel icky

I'm still doing my best to keep my voice relatively healthy. I really want to sing on Friday for this week's Station of the Cross because they want the song "Via Dolorosa" sang and I'm one of the only ones that knows it and so I will be singing it. I really want to sing it so its nothing but warm drinks like tea with honey and warm water and steam for me.

My congestion is getting to me too. I hope I dont' end up with another sinus infection. Those are the worst. I'm doing my best to avoid that as well. A lot of decongestants like Sudafed and whatnot.

I also started school today! Yay!

It's a lot of reading so I spent a lot of time doing that. I have a list of things I want accomplished for tomorrow, so I hope I find time to do it. I'm sure I do, since I'm not going to work, i have more time tomorrow to concentrate on the shcooling.

I'm really glad that the course is completely online. I don't have to go anywhere and being sick won't affect my attendance because I can go to school my jammies.

Of course, being sick also means I can't karaoke. Bummer.

But I will get better and I will sing again!

Now I better go and take an Advil and some decongestants and go to sleep!

This is too much fun!

One.. Two.. Three.. Four..

I'm sick.. and I know I should rest my voice.. but this website is too much fun!

My poor self..

Sometime between Thursday and today.. I got sick.

I have been getting low-grade fevers since Thursday night and then yesterday was pretty bad. I didn't take an Advil right away so that low-grade fever turned into some high fever and I had the chills and a massive headache.

Maybe I should have taken the Advil sooner.

Needless to say I woke up with a slight fever and a headache still.

I obviously didn't get to go to the baby shower of my friend. I didn't want to spread my germs around, especially since one of our other friends is in her first trimester of her pregnancy and I don't want to get her sick either.

I was really looking forward to it too.

I've been sleeping all day and I think that I'm going to be calling it a night soon too.

I'm trying my best to avoid a cough, because I know this year's cough is pretty bad. It lingers for several weeks to a month and as a singer, I really can't have that!

Don't hate!

It's pitchy..

It's bad..

It's my first time ever singing on this site.. it's like a karaoke thing.. it's pretty awesome..

Even though I suck..

But enjoy!

I'm hungry..

I need to go to lunch. I'm hungry.

The week seems to be going pretty slow for me so far.

Tomorrow I have my "pre-walk to class" with my admissions counselor and then I have to do my autobiography for tuesday.

Can you believe I have homework due on the first day of school?!?!

I find that funny. I'm not going to complain.

I can't complain about homework or classwork. It was my decision to go back to school so I really SHOULDN'T complain. I know that I will find myself complaining at some point. I know that I will ask myself why I put myself through this at some point.

But I know I really shouldn't because it was MY decision.. no one else's but my own.

Tick, tock! I can't wait!

The month is almost over...

February breezed on by so quickly.

Then again, February always goes by fast because it's the shortest month. Duh.

Anyway, this will be exciting because starting in March, I will be starting the MBA program! I'm so excited. All the applications and all the financial aid went through smoothly and I should be working on it steadily. If God permits, I should be finished in a year and a half.

I pray to the Lord that I will get through the program smoothly and that there will be no obstacles in the way of my success.

I'm so excited! I can't wait to start!

Tick.. tock..

So.. I was able to go to sleep last night. I just made sure that I watched something happy before I went to bed... so I watched some Food Network to get my mind off the scary, haunted mansions and whatnot..

Anyway..

I'm just waiting for the University of Phoenix financial counselor to call me and tell me what I need to do next in order to get started. I'm so excited because this is something that I have decided to do for myself.

I don't have to get a Masters Degree. My family has survived on my father's income and he only has a Bachelors Degree.. so.. a Masters Degree is something my parents thought would be a nice thing for me to have.. but it wasn't a mandatory thing to get..

So getting this degree is strictly my own decision and it will be strictly financed by me.

This degree will be mine.. and mine alone..

And if God permits I pass and attain it.. it will be something I can be very proud of having.. and it will be my own burden of financial aid.. and that's the only downside to it all.

My parents and my family and my friends are also so supportive of my decision and it just makes me want it more because I really don't want to disappoint them.

So.. for now.. I'm just waiting.. and waiting.. and waiting..

I hope I don't have to wait too long.. cuz I really want to start in March!

Scary!

I'm sitting in front of the TV watching International Ghost Hunters on the SciFi Channel.

Oh man, I'm so not going to be able to sleep because of this. It's quite scary.. especially the way it's been edited.. the music really adds to the feel of this show. It's an interesting program, but I always get scared and I have a hard time sleeping at night afterwards.

Maybe I should stop watching... but I can't.. it's quite addicting!

Right now, the episode is about Frankenstein's Castle. They are investigating all over the place trying to find "activity" similar to the types that have been reported by various people.

The team that does the investigating of these "haunted" places are usually very thorough and end up de-bunking a lot of the claims that people have experienced in the past. It's a little disheartening when you want something to be haunted, but in a way.. it shows that there is an explaination for almost everything.

Granted, there are moments and sorts of activity that are inexplicable but they usually tell the owners of the place that it requires more investigation.

They don't want to commit to a place being haunted. I guess it's becasue they only have that one night to investigate and they don't want to make hasty assumptions before really making sure that something is really inexplicable. In a way, that's a good thing, but it makes the show a little discouraging because you want things to happne.

Is it just me?

OH well.. looks like I'm going to be up all night.. hahah!

Watch this!

Doing what you need to do..

I'm at the time in my life that I realize that I am not heading in the direction that I thought I would be when I as 16. I guess I have been in denial about it all these years and I'm finally waking up from it all.

When a girl is sixteen, they have dreams about where they will be before they turn 30. The have dreams about how their life would be by the time their 10 year high school reunion comes along.

Personally, my expectation was that I was going to be famous. I was going to be all over TV and the movies, I would either be a pop star singer or an actress. I was so set on having that happen before my 10-year reunion. Before I turned 30, I was to have been married with children.

I'm 27, and I am single, no where near getting married, and without children. I have a great career, and great friends and great family.

For that, I still feel very blessed.

But I'm at the point of my life that I have to move forward. And if I can't move forward in the way I had always thought and dreamed of doing, I have to find another way. That other way is school.

Getting my Masters Degree is a pretty big deal for me and the family. Everyone in my immediate family has survived on a Bachelors Degree and has been very successful. I am successful with my Bachelors Degree, but I would love to earn my Masters. Also, this is something I will be doing by myself. My parents will not be helping me because it is not their duty anymore. They have worked very hard to get me through college the first time, why burden them with my new quest for higher education.

I'm taking my life into my own hands.. and eventually, I can do the things that I had always dreamed of doing.. but for now.. this is the direction I need to be going..

Burn! Buzzkill!

So.. in filling out the financial aide thingy.. I realized that this is going to be more expensive than I thought.

At the end of the course.. I'll owe $40K+..

Dude.. that's like a.. A CAR!

I'll have 10 years to pay it off.. and because of that the monthlies will be about $350.. more or less..

That means.. I have to save.. NOW.. NOW.. NOW!

I have several plans on how to save money and I intend on sticking to it..

One of those plans is PARTYLITE..

So.. I will be throwing catalog parties a lot.. and I am definitely willing to work with people that sell other things too.. like Avon or Tupperware.. and do a mulit-vendor deal..

My first catalog party will be from March 1st to March 15.

Remember there will be a raffle for free stuff..

1 raffle ticket for every $10 spent..

My goal is for this party to be a MINIMUM of $500.. that's 10 people buying $50 dollars worth of stuff.. that's all I ask.

Tell your friends.. start checking out the catalog..
http://www.partylite.biz/sites/bettyfox/page-catalog?CatID=48&TotalPages=82&PageNum=1

Write down what you think you may want.. and let me know!

Holding myself accountable..

Well.. I'm halfway through the process of applying at the University of Phoenix for their online course to get myself a Masters Degree in Business Administration..

Now, for everyone that knows me, you all know that I am the world's biggest science geek.

I opted out of taking business courses in my Biotechnology cluster in order to take the hard bacteriology/microbiology classes.. after all my friends told me that the Biotech Business route was the easiest to take for graduation..

So, what am I doing getting my MBA?

Well.. for starters.. it's much easier to get than an Masters Degree in Molecular Biology.

The MBA course is completely online. There is no committment to go to a meeting place or anything. That makes things a little easier, especially with my busy schedule.

It's a relatively fast course. If I go through it straight, without any breaks, it should only take me a year and a half. I can complete the course at my own pace... taking breaks between classes and determinng how much time I really need in between classes..

It's one class at a time.. about thirteen classes.. and the classes last for six weeks at a time..

Now you ask.. what will I do with the MBA when I'm done..

Honestly.. I don't know.. I know that the MBA can eventually lead to many open doors.. even in the lab I work at.. I'll have management skills to become a supervisor..

I'm going to get the MBA.. and I know the Lord will lead me to whereever I need to be next..

It's all in His plan.. and so far.. I'm liking the direction..

Behold.. the wood of the cross..

Today is Friday. The first Friday of Lent.

The choir is being asked to sing for the Stations of the Cross readings today. I will be there.

My Lent goal is to be able to attend every Stations of the Cross reading that is done every Friday of Lent.

It's good.

Through each station, there is a reading and a meditation and a moment to pray over that particular moment. You reflect on the sacrifice He made for us and how much He really did love us to go through all He went through.

It's a really nice thing to do and doesn't really take that long. It's fourteen stations from the trial to the death and the burial. There are meditations for each station and you really get a sense of what was going on and how thankful we are to Him for the sacrifice He made.

Everyone should go to a Stations of the Cross.

I will be taking mine one week at a time so that I don't feel so overwhelmed about thinking about going for all of Lent. I hope to make my goal of going every week, but I don't want to make promises because I don't want to feel completely awful if I can't do it.

Since I'll be going to choir rehearsal at that same church, then there shouldn't be a problem about going before the rehearsal. And since the Starbucks is so close by the church, then it shouldn't be a problem to run down there afterwards for my obligatory cup o' coffee during rehearsal.. hee hee..

Meditate on this..

My life is not my own. We shouldn't live life based on what "makes me feel good."

We should be living our life knowing that it was God-given. Everything we have, everything we've done, everything about us.. is God given.

As a human, sometimes the things that make us "feel good" are things that aren't necessarily good for us. "Feeling good" is all relative. What feels good for you may not feel good for me, right?

Think about it..

Whirlwind..

The year is speeding by so quickly. It's Ash Wednesday today.. and hence.. the start of Lent. Next thing we all know.. we are in Easter.

Where is all this time going?

What have I been doing?

I feel like my life stood still for two weeks while I was away. It was weird to come back home and realize that the world kept going while I was across the planet. The lab kept working... people kept doing what they do.. the world didn't stop for them.. as it did for me.

Grampa is in his final resting place and I know he's smiling down on me from heaven.

I'm still grieving. I know it's natural. I am more sensitive to songs now that I have been. I cry so much faster than I used to.

It's a process..

Tho' I've accepted his passing.. the thought of him not being around and the hurt that causes is still fresh.

Only time can heal this wound.

I don't know of anything "light" to talk about lately. There hasn't been much "light" events in my life.. maybe there have been.. and I've just been over looking it.

I hope things look up soon. I"m tired of blogging things that are so serious and sad..

No day.. but today..

I am writing this on Monday night.

In Guam, it's Tuesday.. probably early evening.

In Guam.. today was my Grandfather's funeral.

My grandfather is at his final resting place and I am feeling so many different and conflicting feelings.

I'm sad. I miss him. I feel like we took his presence for granted when he was alive. I feel like we didn't take too much time out of our lives to give him a simple call. Granted, he was hard of hearing and communicating was difficult... but the mere action should have been done. I miss him a lot and if I could go back in time, I would have made sure we would have kept in touch with him so much more.

I feel relief. I feel relief that he is now resting in peace. He is no longer suffering. He is happy and healthy with the Lord. I thank God everyday that He showed mercy on my grandfather and gave him a peaceful passing. I thank God that my grandfather didn't suffer and struggle for air in his final minutes.

I feel blessed. I feel blessed that I was able to spend that time with him. I feel blessed that I can still remember how it felt for him to hold my hand so tightly. I feel blessed that I remember what it feels like to kiss him on top of his bald head. I feel blessed that I can close my eyes and still see him smiling at me. I feel blessed that I was able to have him look at me.. and with pride in his eyes tell me "I'm your grampa!" Those were the last words he had spoken to me. I feel blessed to have the opportunity to cook a meal for him and for him to actually eat it.. with his own hands. The minute he found out that I was cooking... he made sure that he was to eat it.. and he made sure that he was to feed himself.. Blessed. I thank God everyday for that opportunity.

It's a big rollercoaster ride of emotions over my grandfather's passing.

This is my greiving process.

This is my world..

The things that need to be done..

I have so many things that need to be done and I end up waking up at noon. Not that I'm really complaining. I think I really needed to sleep in and catch up on all the sleep I have been missing out on lately. However, with a laundry list of things to do, I don't think that I will be able to finish this all within relative reason.

I have to finish reorganizing my room. The havoc of the reorganization has extended out of the boundaries of my room and into the hallway, thus impeding on the space between my room and the bathroom and I literally have to jump hurdles in order to get to the bathroom now. This needs to be done ASAP.

Laundry. Always laundry. The never ending laundry seems to be a massive mountain of clothes that need to be cleaned. Multiple loads must be done today. The completion of the reorganization of my room is partially dependent on how much laundry I can get done.

It's also "cleaning the bed sheets/comforter" day. Hopefully I can get it in the laundry on time to get it to dry on time so I can use them again tonight.

Lastly, I have to write my Grandfather's eulogy. His funeral is on a Tuesday in Guam. That means it's on a Monday here. I have no time to procrastinate.

Lord, give me the strength and the drive to finish all the things I need to get done today. Also, let the words just flow out of me in a loving manner. I want to represent my family and my grandfather in the best way possible.