Watch this!

Doing what you need to do..

I'm at the time in my life that I realize that I am not heading in the direction that I thought I would be when I as 16. I guess I have been in denial about it all these years and I'm finally waking up from it all.

When a girl is sixteen, they have dreams about where they will be before they turn 30. The have dreams about how their life would be by the time their 10 year high school reunion comes along.

Personally, my expectation was that I was going to be famous. I was going to be all over TV and the movies, I would either be a pop star singer or an actress. I was so set on having that happen before my 10-year reunion. Before I turned 30, I was to have been married with children.

I'm 27, and I am single, no where near getting married, and without children. I have a great career, and great friends and great family.

For that, I still feel very blessed.

But I'm at the point of my life that I have to move forward. And if I can't move forward in the way I had always thought and dreamed of doing, I have to find another way. That other way is school.

Getting my Masters Degree is a pretty big deal for me and the family. Everyone in my immediate family has survived on a Bachelors Degree and has been very successful. I am successful with my Bachelors Degree, but I would love to earn my Masters. Also, this is something I will be doing by myself. My parents will not be helping me because it is not their duty anymore. They have worked very hard to get me through college the first time, why burden them with my new quest for higher education.

I'm taking my life into my own hands.. and eventually, I can do the things that I had always dreamed of doing.. but for now.. this is the direction I need to be going..

Burn! Buzzkill!

So.. in filling out the financial aide thingy.. I realized that this is going to be more expensive than I thought.

At the end of the course.. I'll owe $40K+..

Dude.. that's like a.. A CAR!

I'll have 10 years to pay it off.. and because of that the monthlies will be about $350.. more or less..

That means.. I have to save.. NOW.. NOW.. NOW!

I have several plans on how to save money and I intend on sticking to it..

One of those plans is PARTYLITE..

So.. I will be throwing catalog parties a lot.. and I am definitely willing to work with people that sell other things too.. like Avon or Tupperware.. and do a mulit-vendor deal..

My first catalog party will be from March 1st to March 15.

Remember there will be a raffle for free stuff..

1 raffle ticket for every $10 spent..

My goal is for this party to be a MINIMUM of $500.. that's 10 people buying $50 dollars worth of stuff.. that's all I ask.

Tell your friends.. start checking out the catalog..
http://www.partylite.biz/sites/bettyfox/page-catalog?CatID=48&TotalPages=82&PageNum=1

Write down what you think you may want.. and let me know!

Holding myself accountable..

Well.. I'm halfway through the process of applying at the University of Phoenix for their online course to get myself a Masters Degree in Business Administration..

Now, for everyone that knows me, you all know that I am the world's biggest science geek.

I opted out of taking business courses in my Biotechnology cluster in order to take the hard bacteriology/microbiology classes.. after all my friends told me that the Biotech Business route was the easiest to take for graduation..

So, what am I doing getting my MBA?

Well.. for starters.. it's much easier to get than an Masters Degree in Molecular Biology.

The MBA course is completely online. There is no committment to go to a meeting place or anything. That makes things a little easier, especially with my busy schedule.

It's a relatively fast course. If I go through it straight, without any breaks, it should only take me a year and a half. I can complete the course at my own pace... taking breaks between classes and determinng how much time I really need in between classes..

It's one class at a time.. about thirteen classes.. and the classes last for six weeks at a time..

Now you ask.. what will I do with the MBA when I'm done..

Honestly.. I don't know.. I know that the MBA can eventually lead to many open doors.. even in the lab I work at.. I'll have management skills to become a supervisor..

I'm going to get the MBA.. and I know the Lord will lead me to whereever I need to be next..

It's all in His plan.. and so far.. I'm liking the direction..

Behold.. the wood of the cross..

Today is Friday. The first Friday of Lent.

The choir is being asked to sing for the Stations of the Cross readings today. I will be there.

My Lent goal is to be able to attend every Stations of the Cross reading that is done every Friday of Lent.

It's good.

Through each station, there is a reading and a meditation and a moment to pray over that particular moment. You reflect on the sacrifice He made for us and how much He really did love us to go through all He went through.

It's a really nice thing to do and doesn't really take that long. It's fourteen stations from the trial to the death and the burial. There are meditations for each station and you really get a sense of what was going on and how thankful we are to Him for the sacrifice He made.

Everyone should go to a Stations of the Cross.

I will be taking mine one week at a time so that I don't feel so overwhelmed about thinking about going for all of Lent. I hope to make my goal of going every week, but I don't want to make promises because I don't want to feel completely awful if I can't do it.

Since I'll be going to choir rehearsal at that same church, then there shouldn't be a problem about going before the rehearsal. And since the Starbucks is so close by the church, then it shouldn't be a problem to run down there afterwards for my obligatory cup o' coffee during rehearsal.. hee hee..

Meditate on this..

My life is not my own. We shouldn't live life based on what "makes me feel good."

We should be living our life knowing that it was God-given. Everything we have, everything we've done, everything about us.. is God given.

As a human, sometimes the things that make us "feel good" are things that aren't necessarily good for us. "Feeling good" is all relative. What feels good for you may not feel good for me, right?

Think about it..

Whirlwind..

The year is speeding by so quickly. It's Ash Wednesday today.. and hence.. the start of Lent. Next thing we all know.. we are in Easter.

Where is all this time going?

What have I been doing?

I feel like my life stood still for two weeks while I was away. It was weird to come back home and realize that the world kept going while I was across the planet. The lab kept working... people kept doing what they do.. the world didn't stop for them.. as it did for me.

Grampa is in his final resting place and I know he's smiling down on me from heaven.

I'm still grieving. I know it's natural. I am more sensitive to songs now that I have been. I cry so much faster than I used to.

It's a process..

Tho' I've accepted his passing.. the thought of him not being around and the hurt that causes is still fresh.

Only time can heal this wound.

I don't know of anything "light" to talk about lately. There hasn't been much "light" events in my life.. maybe there have been.. and I've just been over looking it.

I hope things look up soon. I"m tired of blogging things that are so serious and sad..

No day.. but today..

I am writing this on Monday night.

In Guam, it's Tuesday.. probably early evening.

In Guam.. today was my Grandfather's funeral.

My grandfather is at his final resting place and I am feeling so many different and conflicting feelings.

I'm sad. I miss him. I feel like we took his presence for granted when he was alive. I feel like we didn't take too much time out of our lives to give him a simple call. Granted, he was hard of hearing and communicating was difficult... but the mere action should have been done. I miss him a lot and if I could go back in time, I would have made sure we would have kept in touch with him so much more.

I feel relief. I feel relief that he is now resting in peace. He is no longer suffering. He is happy and healthy with the Lord. I thank God everyday that He showed mercy on my grandfather and gave him a peaceful passing. I thank God that my grandfather didn't suffer and struggle for air in his final minutes.

I feel blessed. I feel blessed that I was able to spend that time with him. I feel blessed that I can still remember how it felt for him to hold my hand so tightly. I feel blessed that I remember what it feels like to kiss him on top of his bald head. I feel blessed that I can close my eyes and still see him smiling at me. I feel blessed that I was able to have him look at me.. and with pride in his eyes tell me "I'm your grampa!" Those were the last words he had spoken to me. I feel blessed to have the opportunity to cook a meal for him and for him to actually eat it.. with his own hands. The minute he found out that I was cooking... he made sure that he was to eat it.. and he made sure that he was to feed himself.. Blessed. I thank God everyday for that opportunity.

It's a big rollercoaster ride of emotions over my grandfather's passing.

This is my greiving process.

This is my world..

The things that need to be done..

I have so many things that need to be done and I end up waking up at noon. Not that I'm really complaining. I think I really needed to sleep in and catch up on all the sleep I have been missing out on lately. However, with a laundry list of things to do, I don't think that I will be able to finish this all within relative reason.

I have to finish reorganizing my room. The havoc of the reorganization has extended out of the boundaries of my room and into the hallway, thus impeding on the space between my room and the bathroom and I literally have to jump hurdles in order to get to the bathroom now. This needs to be done ASAP.

Laundry. Always laundry. The never ending laundry seems to be a massive mountain of clothes that need to be cleaned. Multiple loads must be done today. The completion of the reorganization of my room is partially dependent on how much laundry I can get done.

It's also "cleaning the bed sheets/comforter" day. Hopefully I can get it in the laundry on time to get it to dry on time so I can use them again tonight.

Lastly, I have to write my Grandfather's eulogy. His funeral is on a Tuesday in Guam. That means it's on a Monday here. I have no time to procrastinate.

Lord, give me the strength and the drive to finish all the things I need to get done today. Also, let the words just flow out of me in a loving manner. I want to represent my family and my grandfather in the best way possible.

When my time comes..

When my time comes.. will I have a family and my children around to take care of me?

Will I have that?

I really want that. I tell God everyday that I want that.

Although I've come to accept that I may never get that.. no matter how much I ask for that.

Will I be alone like this forever? No husband.. no family. All I want is a family of my own. Why was I not blessed with one? What did I do to not deserve one?

I'm afraid I will die alone. Completely opposite of how my grandfather passed. I'm afraid that I won't have the loving family surrounding me in my final days.. I'm afraid that I will die alone.

I'm afraid that I will never find that special someone that will allow me to have that "happily ever after" that I've always dreamed of.

There are times where I've accepted it.. but it's moments like these.. after watching all the love and support surrounding my gramap during his final days.. that make me feel the loneliest in life.

I hope he's watching over me right now.. and helping God find that special someone that will finally make my life feel complete..

A month and a half after diagnosis..

It finally happened..

My grandfather passed away tonight. Actually, if we put in Guam time.. he passed around 6pm.

My aunt said that she kissed him when she got home from work.. and then went out to do something.. and when she came back.. he was gone.

Peaceful.

He had suffered enough during his illness, we only wanted his passing to be peaceful.

Thank God for His loving mercy.

Please say a prayer for Pedro Viray's soul.

Thank you for all your loving support and kind thoughts over the past month and a half. I really do appreciate it all.

Guam: Update 4

This may possibly be the last Guam update of the trip because tomorrow will be the last full day here. We are leaving at 5am on Saturday. The funny thing about that is we will be arriving in California at 5am on FRIDAY. It's like traveling back in time. Haha.. time differences amuse me.

Grampa is looking so frail and is constantly on morphine to ease the pain. He's lost a lot of weight since the first time we arrived and he is very much weaker from that time too. It's really sad to see and I pray that when his time comes that it will be peaceful and in his sleep. I don't want him to suffer any more than he is now.

I didn't do much today. There isn't much to do anymore. I've driven around pretty much the whole north end of the island. I can go pretty much anywhere around here. I just feel like I'm catching up on sleep now because it's going to be hard to get a good sleep on the plane ride home.

Guam is a beautiful island. I have driven through some places with amazing views of the ocean. Because of the rains, the island is so lush and green and there is life all around. The resorts are beautiful and the shopping is to die for!

It just seems like the areas that aren't resorts or used by the military are rather abandoned by the goverment. In some of the villages, the housing is old, there is graffiti everywhere and the businesses aren't thriving. I know the island's income depends heavily on the tourists and the military, but you would think that some of that money would trickle down into the other parts of the island. It seems like it's not.

Stll, I like this place and I wouldnt' mind coming back so that I can explore the south side of the island. I do know that when I do return, it will definitley NOT be for sightseeing. My return to this island will be a return I will dread. When I do return in the near future it will be because of the passing of my grandfather.

Pray for a safe flight home. Pray for peace for my grandfather and our family. Thanks for all the support and love we've received on this trip. I will try to blog again when I get home.

Love you all!!!

Guam: Update 3

The weather and everyone else's germs are finally getting to me. My throat hurts and I can feel my tonsils touching when I swallow. I am pumping myself up with liquids and vitamins trying to fight the cold that is inevitably coming.

I didn't do much today because I wanted to rest, but yesterday I took my mom and dad to the resort village for a little rest and relaxation. I have been taken out enough that I was able to drive and figure out how to get there on my own and we had fun. We found a way to get to the beach and we took a walk around there for awhile. The sand was so white and so soft and the water was a comfortable temperature to wade in.

We also got to do some shopping again and got some souviniers.

On the homefront, things are still very up and down here. The past few days have been pretty good for Grampa. He had been going out of his room and watcing TV in the mornings and I had been able to talk to him and buy him things in the store. He had been fairly strong since the last time I left a blog update.

Today, he was getting tired very easily and rested a lot today. I didn't get a chance to spend time with him today because of the cold I feel like I am getting, but he seemed to have his eyes closed a lot today. Relatives have been coming in and out of the house and visiting him, but he always asks for my dad to be by his side.

Sidenote: My dad is my grandfather's first and only son from his first marriage. My dad's mother died when my father was young and my grampa re-married to the woman I now know as my Grandma. With my Grandma, he had two daughters, my aunties, that live in Guam.

Apparently, a few days ago, when everyone else went to Mass, my dad and grampa had a good heart-to-heart talk about the past and how things could have ended up. My dad reassured him that he knew that Grampa did all he could to raise Dad and that all the sacrifices Grampa made turned out to be the best. I'm glad and I thank God that they were able to have that talk together.

Today, just a little earlier, Grampa was have an adverse reaction to some anti-anxiety medication. It scared me because I have never seen him so aggressive before, but he's calm now and we are throwing that medicine away, never to be touched again.

Thank you for all the constant prayers and love. I'll be home soon and I will be able to start sharing pictures of everything.

I love you all!

Guam Update 2

It's been a few days since the last update. It's truly been a whirlwind experience.

There are so many cousins and aunties and uncles that I have never known existed. It's hard to keep track of them all and I am sure that I will forget their names as soon as I get back to California.

All of my grandfather's children and step-children are now here. The last one flew in last night. He was so overwhelmed with emotion. All of us were. He got so excited from all of it that I think he mistook it for the almost dying and he was starting to say good bye and that he loved us all and all those things that dying people say. It was scary but luckily we got him to calm down and he's ok.. relatively.

I've also had some time to explore Guam. My gramma brings me out whenever she get the chance and my aunt took me out to the resort malls. I ended up buying $440 pair of Louis Vuitton sunglasses. Hahah.. it was great.

It's also such a contrast between life on the resort side of things versus out of the resort. It's like everyone's forgotten about the part of Guam that doesn't generate a lot of tourist income.

It's defnitely not as bad as the poor parts of the philippines, but it could still use a lot of help. I wonder if there is anything I can do when I get back...

Anyway, this is my update for now. Hope that things will get better for these updates.. but I don't think they will.

Thanks for all the prayers and kind thoughts.. keep them coming!

Guam: Update 1

I'm sitting here in a room at my aunts house.

There are tears streaming down my face. The tension is so thick in this house and everyone is spread so thin that breakdowns are quite frequent in here. There is so much stress and emotion over my grandfather that it usually comes out two ways: tears or anger.

Everyone feels so helpless, especially my grandfather. It's hard to see him depend on his children when I know him to be quite independent. It's hard to see him muster every ounce of his strength just to sit up right, or go to the restroom. Every emotion is magified at least a million times.

It's hard watching him struggle. It's hard to see the fear he is experiencing about leaving Grandma. It's hard to see my Dad so worried about his own dad.

I knew that coming here would be hard to deal with, but I feel very blessed to have the opportunity.

It's kind of funny when you think about how life works.

As a helpless child, you depend on your parents for everything. Your parents feed you when you are hungry. They change your diaper and bathe you. They hold you close when you are in need of comfort.

As time goes on and parents get older the roles reverse. You feed them when they are too weak to feed themselves. You change and bathe them when they no longer are able to do things by themselves. You hold them close and comfort them when they are sick and apprehensive about what the future brings for them.

Its the circle of life.. i guess..

This is my first update while I'm here. I'll try to let you know what's going on..

Prayers and kind thoughts are always greatly appreciated.

Tears are flowing like a river..

I had a parent meeting today.

I got so frustrated because I feel as if I m teaching to a brick wall. It seems like no one cares about anything that I have to say. I feel like no one cares about the things I want to teach them. I got so frustrated that I involuntarily started crying.

The tears started falling and I just couldn't help it. I am so passionate about what I do and why I do it and I feel like no one cares. I feel like the director doesn't seem to care about how seriously I take my job as a catechist. I really want to show these kids the beauty of the love of God.

All the feelings, all the things that I have been going through lately started building up and I couldn't help it and I cried.

That is the ONE thing I have always been told what NOT to do in front of students, but I couldn't help it. There was so much passion and so much frustration in what I had to say that I really didn't know how else I could express it.

I hope that I did get to some of the parents and that I do see an improvement in the students performance. I just pray that this is the case.

It's a countdown til my trip to Guam. I'm scared and excited at the same time.

Sigh.

Reality hits hard..

Monday.

We'll be leaving for Guam on Monday. We are leaving for two weeks.

Monday.

I will be seeing my grandfather soon.

Reality: This may very well be the last time I will be seeing him alive. Ouch.

It's painful to really think about it that way. But I don't want to psyche myself out and get all excited about it just being "another visit to family."

This is basically our "goodbye."

God has given us the opportunity to say all we need to say and do all we need to do with him. God is giving us the opportunity to have the time with him and it's up to us to make the most of it.

I have never been to Guam before. I haven't been on a plane in twenty years.

I'm excited and terrified at the same time. All through this, I know that God is with us all. The Lord is showing us the way and He has his protective arms around us and consoling us.

I am grateful for the opportunity to see him, but at the same time, it hurts so much. It hurts to think that I may not see him anymore after this visit.

I keep praying for a miraculous healing, or that the diagnosis was a fluke. Or that all of this is just one bad practical joke. But I know I'm wrong. I know this is reality, and that a miraculous healing is up to God.

Thy Will be done.

The world spins around.. like nobody cares..

If there is one thing that I have learned all the years of my life, it's that the world is always going to turn. LIfe is always going to keep going. No matter what is going on in your life, time is ALWAYS going to move forward.

The things you say, the decisions you make, are always going to be there... in the past. There is no way to take them back, the damage has been done. It's up to the reciprocating person to forgive you or move on from it. It's up to the other person on the other end to decide if the damage is repairable.

This is based on experience.. my experience..

I'm sure everyone sort of understands where I am coming from.

The world is going to keep going. The world doesn't care what you are going through. It's insensitive, but it's true. No one in the world really cares what you are going through. The mini-crisis you swear is going to ruin your life really means nothing in the grand scheme of things.

However, I have learned that the one person that truly does care (asides from family and friends) is God.

God cares about what we are all going through.. whether big or small. I know this because I can just find comfort in being able to pray about the things I go through.. even if He doesn't provide resolution immediately.

Granted.. I don't ALWAYS feel comfort and consolation.. but I know that even if I don't.. that God is there to protect me and to make things better.. that is faith..

I'm kind of rambling.. but it's just that it's hard to get the words out when describing something that's truly bigger than yourself. There are so many things that you want to say but you don't quite know how to organize it all to make sense.

Eventually I'll get the words out right and I will be able to leave a spectacular blog about faith and the world.. and how it all ties together..

For now.. we'll leave it at that.. rambles..

Faster and faster..

My grandfather is getting worse and worse and worse as the days progress. I hate to know how much time he actually has. I was hoping that we'd be able to make it to see him by June, but it looks like things are not going to go as planned.

2008 - The year of unpredictability.

I'm hoping to see him up and about.

He doesn't want to be resusitated. He doesn't want to be intubated. He just wants to go when it's his time to go.

Dear God, I hope that his time is after I see him. I want to see him alive. I want to see him alive and well enough to show me around Guam.

He's a ticking timebomb and it kills me that all of this could have been prevented if he hadn't started smoking in the first place! All of this could have been prevented if he had quit so many, many, many years ago.

Smoking is evil. It is an evil and nasty habit.

If I could I would do everything in my power to stop everyone from smoking. Don't they see the damage they are doing to themselves and all the pain and heartache they are causing their family.

Most of them do know, yet they say they don't want to deal with it.

WHY?! What kind of a mindset is that?

Look at my grandfather! Look at everyone else that has died from heavy smoking! Look at the damage they have done! Look at the damage that could have been prevented!

Why?!

This year will have meaning..

This year will be the same as every other year. This year will also be very different from all the years I have ever lived. This year will also be very different from all the years that will come.

This year will be unique just like every other year is unique.

I know how it will begin. I don't know how it will end.

I will just live it.

No more expectations. No more lamentations. I will just live. I don't want to wish for anything anymore. I have always ended up disappointed. One would like to have things happen to them so that they can look at that year and say "that was a good year.." but I won't do that.

If nothing happens this year.. then so be it.

If something does happen this year.. then so be it.

I will work towards things.. but not expect anything. I just can't live my life like that anymore. Every year just ends up a disappointment. Every year I just get hurt. I don't want to get hurt at the end.

I just don't want it to fly by so fast.. but we all know it always does.

I just want to be happy and healthy.

That is all.

The end.