Whoa...

So.. I took leaving work harder than I thought. I thought I could easily walk away.. but I spent almost two and a half years there... and I feel like I just went through a wierd break up..

You know.. those kinds where you know.. he isn't going to call you anymore.. and that you won't be seeing each other all the time anymore.. the ones that you know will disappear from you forever..

Sad..

I should be headed off somewhere better.. that's what he's telling me.. that i'm going off to a place where i have many opportunities to grow and learn.. and I will take advantage of that.. I will.. i'm so glad that i didn't have to go through the struggle of find a new job.. for that.. i'm forever greatful..

So begins the next chapter of my life..

Dun.. dun.. dun..

Hey.. what a way to spend a day...

Sunday...

I have another criticizing question about my beloved friends nuptuals... and all the pre-nuptual shin-digging we are about to all partake in..

Why.. oh why.. does she insist on having everything done on a Sunday?!

You know.. I'm the only religious one of the bridesmaids.. and sunday means something to me... but.. alas.. i'm outnumbered by the non-practicing religious people.. so sunday is just another day for them for parties...

At least its' not going to screw up my scheduling.. i hope..

I have church.. so i will go to church before i go to their shin-diggage..

Anyway.. that's pretty much the only thing I have goin' today.. maybe I'll go home and finally get my taxes done.. and that other half of laundry that's sitting in the garage..

There are things that need to be done.. and by golly.. i'll do them!

Spurts of creativity..

World comes crashing down
Open and empty surrounding me
No one to turn to now
And I look up.. and you're all I see

You hold your hand in front of me
I reach out to touch you
Peaceful and calm I become
In me I know the truth

Since when has life been so frustrating..

I would love to enumerate all the good and bad things in my life.. to show myself that there are much more good than there are bad.. and I know that there are much more good.. but it's really hard for me to enumerate the bad right now.. i'm just frustrated.. frustrated with life.. but i know that i shouldn't be.. because there really isn't anything i can do right now to make things better or go my way..

i have three words to say about all this that i'm feeling right now..

I HATE PMS

Friday.. early.. early.. early.. morning..

It's Friday.. normally.. I'd be ecstatic.. but it's almost 2am.. and I'm sitting here.. sleepless..

Sleepless in Fontana.. ya.. right.. whatever..

I'm typing with ny eyes closed hoping to do some multitasking.. sleeping and blogging.. cuz my mind is fully awake.. but my body is physically asleep.. not really.. but it woudllike to be..

Sometimes I feel like I literally don't know what to do with the situation I'm in.. but then I think of the big picture.. of how much I do loe him and how much I do believe that things can work out.. and how much I am willing to see things work out.. and it's like.. ok.. but when you look at now.. and the current.. it really does tend to seem like a hopeless cause..

I mean.. everyone else sees it..

And I'm sure we see it to.. but we just don't believe it..

And maybe that's what matters the most..

It's late.. er.. early.. i can't tell.. but I need to sleep..

Just when I thought..

Just when I thought that I couldn't get outta this "mad at life" look I've had for the past few days.. I go over to Justyn's house.. and well.. I feel better.. I really do.. I mean.. we didn't do anything extra-ordinary.. we went rollerblading.. and we had fun.. and he took care of me.. physically took care of me..

I mean.. he takes care of me.. all the time.. I know he does..

But him.. holding my hand.. making sure I don't go flying off.. holding me tight..

I know.. that I want him to take care of me like that for the rest of my life..

Yes.. i am back..

Ok.. so I'm back to the blogging..

I will try to blog more regularly..

I just downloaded the soundtrack to Jonathan Larson's "Tick, tick.. Boom!" and it's actually pretty good.. it's the pre-cursor to RENT.. so.. there's a lot of it that sounds like RENT.. but not really.. but you can tell the similarities.. so.. ya..

But it is actually pretty good on its own.. I had to read the synopsis in order to understand the context of the songs.. but that was the complaint that a lot of the people that reviewed the soundtrack said.. and so i downloaded it knowing that the show would be difficult to follow.. but the songs were good.. and i agree..

I think it's that Live365 that was screwing up my computer in the first place.. so no more Live365 for me.. at least not on this computer.. cuz i don't want to go through it again..

So.. on blogcharm.. i had posted an entry about the reason's i thought that it seemed that justyn learned more from blogs than directly from me.. I got a mixed comment.. well.. two comments.. one said that it was ok.. the other said it wasn't ok.. so.. i don't know..

If you want to read it.. copy and paste this.. www.blogcharm.com/artsyviray

Read it.. and comment if you want.. i'd like to know what you think..

Ok..

Thank God it's Friday!

I get to go home from work and sleep.. and I plan on doing so too.. finally.. the weekend.. finally..

It's morning right now.. and i"m on my dad's computer.. I'm too lazy to get ready for work.. but I know I have to.. so.. I will in a second.

I swear.. it's weird.. to have so many things on my mind.. and to have them build up.. because I can't blog about them.. and then when the time comes to blog.. it's like.. I can't think of anything.. I don't know if i really like that feeling.. it doesn't leave me very interesting or long blog entries.. so.. whatever..

Justyn and I finally reached our 17 month.. i honestly didn't think we'd get here.. but i'm glad we did.. it's honestly been such a struggle in my head.. just trying to find some safety and some peace.. i'm a little better than i was earlier this week.. i'm healing.. but it doesn't stop the fears.. but they are easily quenched right now.. and i hope they continue to be..

I know he loves me.. and it's getting me by.. i'm learning to not let my own fears get in the way of what i know is true.. it's just that i have to keep repeating things over and over in my mind.. just so that i can calm myself down..

I know that won't last for long.. but it's getting quite annoying.. hee hee..

Blogging.. in the middle of the night..

So.. i'm sitting in my room on my dad's laptop.. much better than sitting at the computer table in the living room.. maybe it's more quiet.. but i feel much better blogging this way than in the other room.. still kinda wierd to be doing so on someone else's computer.. but it's better than the clanging of the desktops keyboard..

I know.. I'm weird like that..

Sometimes.. I honestly wish I could say that I'm 100% back to normal.. but.. i just can't.. i feel like my body.. mind.. and spirit are still recovering.. my emotional being is still so tired from all that went on.. i mean.. it is getting better.. i usually recover quicker from thiss.. but this time.. man.. it's really left me in pieces..

My friend's merged myspace profiles with their boyfriends... I can't even imagine doing that right now.. plus.. it made me realize how much he and i have such different lives apart from each other.. i mean.. we'd like to do as many things together as we can.. but.. we really have different lives.. we still haven't merged yet.. after almost a year and a half.. we haven't merged.. not yet.. we have too many things that are separate..

And a lot of things we are still not ready to connect.. like.. myspace pages..

Too much of our lives is still separate.. even thought we want a lot of it to be together..

Will it ever change.. that's something we'll have to wait and see.. I'd like to see it change.. and maybe that's the next thing we can work on.. hopefully..

Sunday.. sunday.. sunday...

Sunday.. I'm supposed to go to with my mom.. aunt.. and friend to South Coast Plaza.. it's our friends birthday.. and she wants to celebrate down there..

God.. I can't even think of trying to get myself psyched up for that.. especially with all this going on.. and if he hadn't called by then.. how am i gonna get into the mood for it.. hopefully by then.. if he hadn't called yet.. i would be starting to get over it all.. or at least the tears would have stopped falling..

Sunday.. sunday.. sunday.. getting myself ready for sunday.. I don't even want to go.. I haven't wanted to go since I heard it.. before all this started..

Well.. i have to go.. i have to go..

Well.. i know.. it's been awhile!!

Ok.. so i know i haven't been here in awhile.. only because i would run out of things to blog about.. and well.. sorry.. this was usually the last blog to get entered.. and well.. this one and the prayer blog.. but.. i have been trying to think of things to put onto here.. and then.. i'd forget.. and run out of drive.. and then hence the neglect of this blog..

I know.. no excuses.. but.. oh well.. that's life.. i guess..

Oy.. looks like my eye twitch is back.. or it's maybe just for today..

I wish I were more artistic with my blog.. adding poetry.. or witty commentary on certain things.. intelligent reviews on movies.. television shows.. blah blah blah..

This is impossible for a number of reasons...

1. I tend to suck at poetry..
2. I don't watch a lot of things.
3. My opinions are of no importance to anyone..

I best get my blog on!

Oh geez.. haven't been here in a long time.. so.. what's new with me.. not much.. just a lot of soul searching and relationship evaluating.. but nothing new.. on the verge of break up.. and then finding the love once again and knowing that no matter what we go through.. the underlying picture is that we want to be with each other..

Serious relationships are a lot harder than I have ever anticipated..

I want to know everyone's secret.. but then again.. i bet they are just going to say everyting that iv'e heard before.. so it's really not a secret.. they jsut love each other and are willing to go through heaven and hell for that person.. and I feel that way about him.. and i know he feels that way about me.. in fact.. he's felt that about me way before I even allowed myself to feel that way about him.. so in a way.. he's way ahead of me.. ya know?

So.. I know deep down in my heart that this relationship will work.. it's just.. certain head issues get in the way.. and well.. those issues tend to have more of an influence than i have ever thought.. but i do know.. deep down.. that this is where i want to be.. with him.. he is who i want to be with.. and there is no convincing me otherwise..

I don't' know.. i guess.. ultimately.. it's just my fear of everything that could happen that takes over my life.. either way.. we stay together or we break up.. the outcome will change my life for ever.. and it's scary.. change.. change is scary.. good and bad change.. they are both scary.. but a person has to go through that in order to grow..

I'm willing to got hrough that change.. preferable the good change.. ti's just kinda scary looking at the big picture.. scary.. but exciting..

Am I making ANY sense?!?!

I can't stand the distance...

So.. I feel like I'm miles away from him.. even if he's right there next to me.. he says it's only me.. cuz he's not feeling it..

I'm not regretting that I stayed with him.. I'm not regretting that I didn't break up with him.. because I do love him with all my heart.. and when I was with him yesterday.. it was the best feeling in the world.. just to be held by him.. just to hear his voice.. and look into his eyes again.. when i'm with him.. everything seems to fall into place.. and I do feel happy.. and whole..

Sometimes I'm scared that I'm getting tired of him.. but.. I still can't picture my life without him.. and i look forward to hearing from him.. I look forward to chatting with him.. and it makes me sick to my stomach to think of ever breaking up with him.. and when I'm with him.. i know it's definitely not the case.. because I cherish every moment I share with him.. and after we have gotten so close to breaking up.. i know that's definitely what I DON'T WANT... I don't want to be without him.. and i know that very well..

But what is this i'm feeling?!?!

It scares me.. because I only feel this when we aren't together.. it's not that i feel like i don't love him.. because I love him so much.. no matter if i see him or not.. but it's such a nagging feeling.. it's unnerving.. and i don't want to feel it.. because I do love him.. and i know i do.. but i don't know what this is.. it's uneasiness.. it's anxiousness.. it just doesn't feel good..

Should we have broken up? I dont think so.. but.. i don't know what this feeling means..

Am I just traumatized by all that's happened to us? Am I just more cautious again because of what's happened? I know I can't live without him.. then why am I feeling this? Why am I feeling uneasy?

I can picture him in my mind.. and see his face.. and it calms me a little bit.. but i can't shake this feeling.. I want it to go away.. and it does.. when i'm with him..

It's freaking me out and I'm literally freaking out right now.. but I can't break up with him becasue I really dont' want to.. but should we have anyway? I don't know..

I don't want to think of that because I know he does make me happy.. I need to hear his voice right now.. but he's not answering the phone..

Oh my God.. I don't feel it right now anymore.. i just have this desperation to talk to him about it right now.. I don't know..

Talking about it just helped alieve it..

Maybe it's just paranoia.. maybe it's just cautiousness.. maybe it's just fear..

My water bottle's warped..

So.. my water bottle looks funny...

I refilled my water bottle with water.. first.. i put in a bit of hot water.. and then.. i douce it with the cold water.. and it totally warped my bottle.. now.. it's leaning to one side.. and the water is cold again.. NO HELP AT ALL!

You know what I need right now? I need a nice deep neck massage.. my neck is sore.. and it's a big enough deal to be able to blog about it on three of my blog sites.. but i can barely move it right now without feeling stiff and sore.. not fun.. it's a bitch to drive with my neck like this too..

I'm at work.. and I'm working.. believe it or not.. i'm trying not to let this "under the weatherness" truly get to me.. but my head is heavy.. and all i want to do is sleep.. but the fact that all i want to do is sleep is something that isn't out of the ordinary for me.. i always want to just sleep.. especially when i am at work..

I'm falling apart.. i think i'm going to die.. my body will shut down.. my body is not working.. and so i think i'm going to die.. wahh!!!

That water bottle just looks so f'ed up right now..

I had a dream last night.. but i don't really remember it.. but i know I dreamed about something.. maybe about performances or soething.. but i know i had a dream about it.. i just can't remember it.. and i would love to remembre it cuz i was really into it when i was a sleep.. so i don't know..

I hate Mondays.. like you didn't already know!

No.. I have not neglected this one..

It seems like I have been neglecting to post on this site.. but when I look at the last date taht I posted a blog.. it's only been Monday..

I really don't have a lot of things to discuss.. and so I don't see the point in inundating blogs with useless verbage.. and blabber.. although i know i do it anywya.. i don't feel the need to do it to every single blog i have.. i gotta have some substance in some of the blogs i post.. right??

In financial news, i got my w2 forms from both employers.. which means that I can file my taxes.. i hope I get a return this year.. I should hope so.. since I'm single.. independent.. blah blah blah.. I should be able to recieve some moeny back.. i'm hoping.. praying.. wishing.. wanting..

I don't quite know what i'm going to do with that tax return.. I'll probalby do what I always do.. SAVE..

I don't think I ever remember a time that I recieved money.. even as a gift.. and just spent it.. i always remember just saving it.. putting it away into my early savings account.. never just spending it on anything..

I guess thta's why i was able to save up the money I have now.. in a way.. its' a good thing.. cuz now i can pretty much buy whatever i want.. and have money left over for a rainy day..

On theother hand.. i never got to know what it feels to just blow gift money.. oh well..

I do know what it's like to blow a paycheck.. so i guess it's the same thing!!

Jasmine.. Aladdin.. perfection..

So.. ya.. I spent a good part of my weekend watching two Disney Princess Sing-Along DVDs... I so want those other sequels to "aladdin".. there's this one song in "return of jafar" that is so cute.. kinda describes the way justyn and i are.. like.. just when it get's to the point where we feel we cant' take it anymore because we drive each other nuts.. we just remember how much we do love each toehr and how much we do make each other happy..

[IAGO:]
Forget about that guy
Forget about the way you fell into his eyes
Forget about his charms
Forget about the way he held you in his arms
Walking on air's obnoxious
The thrill
The chill
Will make you nauseous
And you'll never get enough
Just forget about love!
Forget about romance
Forget about the way your heart begins to dance
Then you feel the blush
When he's spouting out some sentimental mush
Love really is revolting!
It's even worse than when you're moulting
Enough of this fluff!
Just forget about love!

[JASMINE:]
I had almost forgotten the way it felt
When he held out his hand for mine
My heart all a-flutter

[IAGO:]
Oh, how I shudder

[JASMINE:]
The first time we kissed

[IAGO:]
It won't be missed!
Forget about 'is touch

[JASMINE:]
I can't forget about his touch

[IAGO:]
In the scheme of things,
It doesn't matter much

[JASMINE:]
It matters so mu-uch

[IAGO:]
You're better on your own
A meal becomes a banquet
When you eat alone

[JASMINE:]
Hmm-mm-mm-mm

[BOTH:]
Love's filled with compromises

[IAGO:]
And don't you hate those big surprises?

[JASMINE:]
A cozy rendezvous

[IAGO:]
Oh, please!

[JASMINE:]
Candlelight for two

[IAGO:]
Oh, geez!

[JASMINE:]
Look you're calling my bluff!

[BOTH:]
(I can't) (Just) forget about love!

[JASMINE:]
I can't forget about my heart

[ALADDIN:]
I can't forget about my heart

[JASMINE:]
And how it felt
To fall for you right from the start

[ALADDIN:]
I'm still falling

[JASMINE:]
Whatever we may do

[ALADDIN:]
Whatever we may do

[JASMINE:]
You are here for me,
And I'll be there for you

[ALADDIN:]
I'll be there

[BOTH:]
To wish, to want, to wander
To find the sun
Through rain and thunder

[ALADDIN:]
A cozy rendezvous

[JASMINE:]
Yes, please!

[ALADDIN:]
Candlelight for two

[IAGO:]
Oh, geez!
Enough is enough!

[ALADDIN and JASMINE:]
We can't forget about love!

I just love that part where jasmine is talking about how she fell for him right from the start.. and then aladdin says that he's still falling.. i would love for jsutyn to say that to me..

Ok.. i know.. it's a Disney movie.. but sheesh.. I heart me the aladdin and the jasmine soo much..

Oh ya.. and I also want The Little Mermaid 2...

You see what my lil 2 year old neice does to me??? Hee hee..

Done!

I am so done with everything.. so done with my life.. so done with everyone around me.. i'm just done.. i don't want to deal anymore.. in fact.. i really don't think I can deal anymore..

I can't.. i really really can't..

Aww.... compatibility...

Rachel Viray
&
Justyn Dodd

83% Compatible

♥ Rachel Viray and Justyn Dodd have been romantically-together for awhile now, indicating a degree of compatibility. Similar personality descriptions are a plus. Their shared faith will help form a bond between them. They both abstain from drinking, so that helps compatibility. The fact that the two hold different political beliefs may be a sore spot. Both are brainy, and that is a good thing. However, their astrological signs are not in harmony. But their views on children are similar. Overall, Rachel Viray and Justyn Dodd are quite compatible. There are a few rough spots, but nothing that cannot be overcome. ♥

Test Your Dating Compatibility

Granted.. there was a section that said to check the box that you identify with.. and one of them was drinker.. and so i didn't check it because my perseption of that was taht were were avid drinkers.. which.. we kinda not.. and so i guess that it's fairly accurate.. the faith thing.. we do have similar faith views.. though we have different religions... faith is faith.. no matter in what direction its coming from..

So.. i like it.. 83%.. not bad.. not bad at all..

Fortune cookie say...

Just got back from lunch at the mongolian barbeque place.. here's my fortune from the fortune cookie..

The current year will bring you much happiness.

We'll see.. i sure hope so.. so far.. this year has brought me nothing but issues.. and two weeks hasn't even passed!!!

Sigh..

Well... this isn't original!

I guess the main topic of the day is my restless and sleepiness.. it seems to be the only thing on my mind right now! I am kinda hungry.

It's one of those days that I wish I had more time in life to do everything that I wanted to do PLUS get enough sleep at night. I guess.. in a way.. that would require that days be 48 hours long instead of 24. But that's retarded. I guess. It may be retarded but i'm sure a lot of people agree with me..

Sometimes.. more often than not.. i feel like i'm running on fumes.. it's like.. i know there aren't enough hours in the day to do everything.. yet.. i still try to do everything.. i wish sometimes.. i knew how to slow down and relax.. but living at home.. there's not such thing as down time.. if there is time to sit and relax.. then there's time to do everything else.. so.. i was always taught to be on the go..

But.. i dont know.. i've got a lot done in my life.. living that philosophy.. but i'm feeling the burn out.. i'm feeling the burnout at age 25.. that's really not good..

I want to be able to sit down and do nothing.. and not feel guilty for it..

Ok.. next topic.. i dont' know.. i feel like i have ADD.. i can't stay still and i cna't keep one train of thought.. i want to be everywhere!! I want to make a scarf.. i want someone to teach me how to knit.. i want someone to show me how to make different patterns crocheting.. cuz i wanna make stuff by crocheting and knitting..

I want to read a million books..

I want to save the world from famine and war..

I want to make a contribution to all the charities in the world..

I want to start my gifting/tart business..

I want to do so much!!!