Everybody wants to live happily ever after..

And well.. I'm no exception..

Haha.. had the wierdest dream last night.. er.. the other night.. I'm not quite sure which night.. but I know it was a recent dream.

I was on one end of a football field. It kind of looked like FoHi's football field.. maybe because that's the only football field I've been on.. with the exception of our own high schools.. but that was more like a vast field.. with no stadium seats or anything..

Ugh.. I digress.

Anyway.. and Joe.. the boyfriend.. was on the fifty yard line.. I was part of a game show.. hosted by two of my friends.. and the guy asked the easy questions.. and the girl asked the hard questions. I had to flip a coin to determine which one of them would ask me the question.

For each question I got right.. Joe came closer to me. For every question I got wrong.. he moved away.. and if he hit the end of the field.. he was to walk away from my life.. FOREVER..

Sad!

Anyway.. it seemed ok at first.. I was getting asked by both people and I'd get some right.. some wrong... Joe stayed at around the fifty yard line..

Then.. suddenly.. i was getting questions from the girl.. one after the other and I would watch him get farther and father and farther away from me.. and I could hear him yelling out for me.. but he was getting so far away that we couldn't make out what he was saying anymore..

Then.. somehow.. I found out that the girl switched out the coins and that she rigged it so that she would be asking the questions all the time.. and he was going to eventually walk out of my life..

When I started to get out of my podium to do something.. my alarm goes off.. so I don't know how the dream would have ended..

Hmm..

Dreams are interpretations of the subconscious..

I wonder what my subconscious is so worried about..

Having some fun..

Let's try something..

My birthday is exactly a month away.. and I realized that I really haven't done anything new in a long time.

So.. I'm thinking.. it's time step out of my comfort zone and do something completely out of my personality.

My boyfriend (yes.. he's officially my boyfriend now..) says I should do golf... haha.. that's only cuz he plays golf.. and I'm sure he'd like to get me into it too.. but ya.. um.. let's start with something else..

Hmm.. I got this out-of-the-way notion to go on some sort of hike.. get in tune of nature.. to get in tune with the natural gifts that God has graced us with.. God graced all of us with the beauty of the world.. and I just want to see if I can be a part of that.. outside the realm of shopping malls and amusement parks and man-made luxuries..

The whole world is out there.. and I am opening doors.. and answering the calls that are sent to me..

I just want to see if i can handle the exposure to it al..

Everyone knows I'm the complete opposite of "outdoorsy"

I'm getting older.. let's try being "outdoorsy.." even if just once more..

<3

One of the greatest weekends I've had in awhile.

Gosh.. that boy really knows how to make me smile.

It's getting harder and harder to breathe..

All that strength.. crumbles.. instantaneous.

I refuse to let it get to me. I refuse to let all the months of strength and rebuilding my life into something I can be proud of.. crumble in a matter of minutes.

I'm allowed my moments of weakness.. but that's all that they will be.. just moments.. not lifetimes.

I don't want to be insecure. I don't want this to be the driving force that will take away all the happiness I've tried so hard to attain and retain.

I shouldn't be needy. I shouldn't have to be needy. Neediness will just make him think that I am weak and that I can't handle things on my own.. when I know I can.

I know I just need him right now. I just need him to be here, but it's hard when being "here" is an hour and a half away from him. But I refuse to be that needy girl that needs to be comforted all the time.

I have to be strong because I have no choice. I have to be strong because I don't want him to find me weak. I spent the good portion of our beginning showing him how strong I really am. I refuse to contradict all that with one or two bad incidents tearing me down.

I don't know how to approach this.. I don't know where the line stands between strength and weakness..

Some kind words.. thoughts.. advice.. that would be really nice right now..

Zoom!

Wow.. I usually complain about how slow the week is going.. but today.. I'm going to have to complain about how FAST the week is flying by.

I really need it to slow down.

I'm going to be in San Diego this weekend to spend some time with the guy that I am seeing and the last thing I wanted to do was bring homework with me. My goal was to finish my paper and some discussion questions by Thursday night. If I had to, I would have done some last minute things on Friday before I left.

Looks like I may have to bring some stuff out with me this weekend.

Sad.

But I guess I gotta do what I gotta do!

All the world is a stage..

And everyone has their part..

It's all been written...

Do we really have a "choice"?

Or are our "choices" already decided for us..

Philosophical.. I know..

All I long for.. I have found by the water..

It's too quiet.. there are some ppl at work that are at a workshop.. leaving me and someone else.. all by our lonesome in the lab.. it's way too quiet..

My thoughts have gotten very loud to make up for the lack of background noise.

My mind wanders aimlessly and I am psyching myself out for no apparent reason. Well.. I have plenty of reason.. but I refuse to let those thoughts and possibilities get to me at the moment.. I refuse..

There is also a song stuck in my head.. from church.. and well.. maybe it's trying to tell me something..

Lord, You Have Come
1. Lord, you have come to the seashore,
neither searching for the rich nor the wise,
desiring only that I should follow.

Refrain
O, Lord, with your eyes set upon me,
gently smiling, you have spoken my name;
all I longed for I have found by the water,
at your side, I will seek other shores.

2. Lord, see my goods, my possessions;
in my boat you find no power, no wealth.
Will you accept, then, my nets and labor?

3. Lord, take my hands and direct them.
Help me spend myself in seeking the lost,
returning love for the love you gave me.

4. Lord, as I drift on the waters,
be the resting place of my restless heart,
my life's companion, my friend and refuge.

Not crying over spilt milk..

I spilled my lunch milk in my car today.. and no.. I didn't cry.

I was annoyed.. and angry.. and frustrated.. but I didn't cry. Then I realized.. why am I getting worked up over this... clean it up.. and I get to have a yummy lunch instead of "diet lunch.."

And I did.. beef udon.. mmm..

It's 100 degrees outside today.. and i'm having Japanese soup..

My friend told me that it's never too hot for ME to have soup.. that's cuz I love soups.. of all forms and flavors.. I'm a soup person and I can eat soup all the time if I could.. hahah..

So.. If life spills your milk.. go get japanese food instead!

The case of the Mondays..

My tummy feels icky.. my head is pounding.. I overslept this morning.. and the door is still locked to the PCR room at work..

It's Monday..

Can't you feel the "monday blues" in the air?

I don't remember the last time I complained about a Monday.. but it sure feels like a good day to do so now..

Oh geez.. I even have a stiff neck!

Oh well.. what can you do.. can't turn back time.. can't change things.. gotta just roll with it.. and hope for the best..

Let's just hope that tomorrow will be a better day..

Dun.. dun.. da.. da.. da.. da..

Love songs have new meaning..

Not in the whole "wide-eyed.. bushy-tailed" way.. I mean.. there are more senitmental meanings to love songs..

But I don't know if it's "love.."

We'll just leave it at that..

I went to go visit an old friend who just had a baby two weeks ago.. she's doing well.. and so is the little darling girl.. It's amazing to see all these girls that I practically grew up with.. being mothers.. it was wierd enough watching them all get married.. it wasn't wierd in a bad way.. wierd in an amazing way.. that way that really hits home.. saying "we're grown ups.. now.."

Now.. most of them have entered motherhood.. and I couldn't be more happier.. I love babies and to be able to have these little babies around me.. and being able to give them back when they get out of hand... that's like.. the dream! Hahaha..

In reality.. I'd love to have one of my own.. and I pray that it will happen.. sooner than later.. but I'm willing to wait because I trust God has his plan for me.

I just know that when I do have a child.. I plan on being an amazing mother.. and super wife..

But I know I'll definitely miss my sleep.. yawn.. I'm sleepy now!

It's crazy..

Feelings..

Feeling things..

Emotions..

What makes you fall for someone.. and what makes you not fall for someone else?

Say.. for example.. two people treat you the same way.. they both take care of you.. they both like you.. they both respect you.. what makes you fall for one.. and not the other.. what makes you feel things for one.. and feeling differently about the other?

What attracts two people to each other? What attracts two perfect strangers to each other? What makes two complete strangers "click" upon their first meeting? What makes someone want to get to know another person? What makes a person.. that never used to be the one to "call first".. call that other person first? What makes a person do things completely different than he or she used to in regards to relationships?

What makes a person trust their current partner.. when they could barely trust their former partners?

What makes things "different"??

What makes people love each other?

How do you know you love someone? How do you know you are falling in love with someone.. especially since all the other times you've "fallen in love" it all fell apart? How do you know you are right this time? What if you're wrong again?

What makes a person fall in love with someone.. and is it the same thing that can make a person fall OUT of love with someone?

If you fall out of love.. were you really in love in the first place?

So many questions.. so many feelings.. so many thoughts.. racing through my head.. shouldn't this just be easy.. why is it soo hard this time around?!?

Cleansed..

Well.. I'm sitting here and I should be doing homework..

When I got rid of the dress.. I never thought that I would have so many emotions going through me. I wanted to cry.. I wanted to laugh.. I wanted to breathe a sigh of relief.. I wanted to take it back and run home..

I know that getting rid of it was the best thing i could do. I knew that getting rid of it was something I had to do. I needed to cleanse myself of that old part of me. I needed to finally let go of that part of me. I don't know why I was holding on to that part for so long.. but I guess I was.

The brightside is that I have more room in my closet now. And that totally got me over the wierd emotions I was going through..

Now.. let's hope I get another chance to buy another dress.. not anytime soon.. but hopefully in the near future..

Going.. going.. gone!

Today is the day I get full closure. Mark this date.. July 29th, 2008. Today.. a chapter of my life will finally close.. and I can begin a whole new book.. one without any markings of this past..

Now you may wonder what the heck I'm talking about.. well.. I'll tell you.

Today.. I'm finally going to give away that wedding dress that has been sitting in my closet since 2006. I was supposed to get married.. remember. Little did anyone know.. but I had the dress.. I made him swear that we were going to go through with the wedding and he said yes.. and we both thought that's what we wanted.. so I bought it..

And it sat.. and sat.. and sat.. in my closet..

Through postponements.. break ups.. make ups.. cancellations.. drama.. drama.. drama.. it sat there.. waiting to be used.

Well.. I hope it will be used.. it just won't be by me. I wish who ever will end up with it a lifetime of love and happiness.. the lifetime i thought i was going to have.. but didn't.. a lifetime I still pray to have and will always patiently wait for God to give me..

I'm sad.. I know this is finally admitting to the fact that I have had a failed engagement.. and even though I know that the end of that part of my life was so much more a blessing than anything.. i can't help but be sad..

And scared..

My judgement of who could be "the one" is off.. way off.. and who knows who it could be.. and what if I'm wrong again.. or what if I let "the one" pass me by.. or all those possible "what-ifs.."

I will be freed from the chains of my past relationship.. finally.. it's bittersweet.. but at the same time.. relieving..

Yet another rousing episode..

I'm tired..

So this week has definitely been one for the books..

I spent two days at UC Davis.. visiting one of the branch labs of our laboratory system.. I was there to learn stuff from them.. it was first time in my life that I have actually traveled by plane by myself. It felt like such an accomplishment. I've never been on a plane by myself.. let alone spent a night in a hotel by myself.. or meandered around a strange city all by myself..

And I did!

I know that most people have done it before.. but I bet they can remember how accomplished they were when they did it for the first time.. and so now.. i'm ready to just up and go where ever and when ever I please.. I can do it by myself too.. it's fine.. i'm not scared anymore..

I was terrifed..

So.. I'm finally feeling the effects of the week.. and I'm exhausted.

I'm going to sleep.

Terms of endearment..

Baby.. babe.. hunny.. sweetie.. sweetheart.. darling..

I don't know what it is.. well.. I used to be able to throw around terms of endearment with all the other guys I've dated.. "babe" and "baby" come to mind. I used them a lot.

This time.. I don't know.. I don't know why the terms of endearment are few and far between.. I mean.. he throws them around every so often.. and it's cute.. I like it.. it makes me feel all special and stuff.. but it's not an overkill of usage.

I guess that's why I dont throw it around as often either..

I guess I tend to adapt to whatever the guy is like..

My ex was very clingy.. in turn.. I became very clingy.. even though I'm a person that loves her free time and space.. I found myself becoming very clingy in that relationship..

This guy likes freedom and space.. perfect for me because I love the same thing.. it's like.. this is the relationship that I seemed to not have to adjust myself to so much.. I don't have to adjust my ways to match his.. because is some senses.. his ways.. are already my ways..

I don't want to put too much thought into it..

Three months is too soon to assume anything.. especially in the damaged and jaded state i'm in..

I wish it were different and that I can be more optimistic and hopeful in relationships.. but I think I've been too messed up by past experiences that I just can't see myself doing that right now.. maybe in time.. I'll learn to give into relationships again.. but I just need some time..

700th post.. and all I do is a video..

Maturity takes over.. for now..

Well.. I've decided to NOT get the Blackberry.

I honestly don't need it.. I just want it.

I have to learn that I can't have everything that I want.  I mean..  I already know that I can't have everything I want.. look at how my life has been so far.. I should be an expert on knowing that I can't get what I want.

But I think that I compensate by buying whatever I want.

Not this time.  I need to save money and be wiser with money because I do have student loans coming.. eventually.. that I need to pay off.. and the more money I save.. the more I can just throw into the loan and get it paid off so much faster..

Then it's back to buying whatever I want..

Unless I get married by then.. haha.. 

Who knows.. the future is bright and full of blessings.. 

To buy.. or not to buy.. that IS the question..

Reasons to NOT get a Blackberry Curve:
- I'm not a business person.. I'm a lab rat..
- I have NO obvious reason to be THAT connected to my email..
- It's wider than my current phone.. can't put it in my pocket..
- It's difficult to type "one-handed" with it.. or is it?!?!
- Do I really need to be "connected online" all the time?!?!?
- What exact purpose do I need this Blackberry for?!?!
- Phone nazi's... 'nuff said..
- What sort of "technological advantage" it is gonna give me?!?!
- Do I NEED it more than I WANT it?!?!?
- Something better might come a couple months later..

Reasons to get a Blackberry Curve:
- A super deal.. $50 after rebate..
- It's cute..
- It's really cute..
- It's pretty sexy looking..
- It's a Blackberry..
- I've always wanted a Blackberry..
- Can't let a good deal pass like that.. can I?!?!
- I'll always be connected..
- I can send emails..
- I can send emails at work.. during lunch and breaks..
- It's DAMN CUTE!
- Takes better pictures than my current phone..
- $30/mo gives me unlimited email and web browsing..
- Sound quality is better..
- Great f*ckin' deal I can't pass up!

Ugh.. what to do.. what to do.. what to do..

Advice?!?! Anyone?????