Last, but not least...

1. Are you saved?

Catholics can be as sure as anyone else that they are in God's good graces. The apostle John states that "you may know that you have eternal life" (1 Jn 5:13 -- see also Jn 5:24). But this "assurance" has to be understood in light of John's other teachings in the same book: "For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments" (1 Jn 5:3, emphasis added -- see also 1 Jn 2:3-6). "We know that any one born of God does not sin" (1 Jn 5:18, emphasis added). "He who loves God should love his brother also" (1 Jn 4:21, emphasis added). "He who commits sin is of the devil" (1 Jn 3:8, emphasis added -- see also 1 Cor 6:9). Likewise, St. Paul does not regard salvation as a one-time event, but as a goal to be sought after, one that can be lost: "Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling" (Phil 2:12 -- see also 1 Cor 9:27, 10:12; Gal 5:1, 4; Phil 3:11-14, 1 Tim 4:1, 5:15)

Too many things are going on this week and I don't know how strong I can be for Justyn.. I need him to have some strenght.. even if it's only for this week.. i am going through way too much that it is too much for me to handle.. i need him to be strong for me.. i need him to be there for me..

Can he do it? Will he do it?

So... here I am..

2. If you died tonight, would you go to heaven?

Catholics have an assurance of salvation if they are faithful and keep God's commandments (1 Jn 2:3). If they die in that state, they are assured of heaven. But to enter heaven, one must be perfectly holy, because "nothing unclean shall enter it" (Rev 21:27: -- see also Is 4:4; Mal 3:2-4). The cleansing and purifying of any remaining sin, which makes us fit for God's holy presence is what Catholics call purgatory. This is clearly indicated in St. Paul's writings: "Each man's work will become manifest; for the Day will disclose it, because it will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test what sort of work each one has done.... If any man's work is burned up, he will suffer loss, though he himslef will be saved, but only as through fire: (1 Cor 3:13, 15, emphasis added). "For we must all appear before the judgement seat of Christ, so that each one may receive good or evil, according to what he has dne in the body" (2 Cor 5:10, emphasis added).

I should be doing my novena right now instead of blogging.. well.. i guess i should do that.. ive got some errands to run.. sigh...

So... here I am..

2. If you died tonight, would you go to heaven?

Catholics have an assurance of salvation if they are faithful and keep God's commandments (1 Jn 2:3). If they die in that state, they are assured of heaven. But to enter heaven, one must be perfectly holy, because "nothing unclean shall enter it" (Rev 21:27: -- see also Is 4:4; Mal 3:2-4). The cleansing and purifying of any remaining sin, which makes us fit for God's holy presence is what Catholics call purgatory. This is clearly indicated in St. Paul's writings: "Each man's work will become manifest; for the Day will disclose it, because it will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test what sort of work each one has done.... If any man's work is burned up, he will suffer loss, though he himslef will be saved, but only as through fire: (1 Cor 3:13, 15, emphasis added). "For we must all appear before the judgement seat of Christ, so that each one may receive good or evil, according to what he has dne in the body" (2 Cor 5:10, emphasis added).

I should be doing my novena right now instead of blogging.. well.. i guess i should do that.. ive got some errands to run.. sigh...

Maybe I should start reading the bible more...

3. Why do you worship wafers?

A consecrated host or wafter at a Catholic Mass is the true Body and Blood of Christ, not merely bread; so Catholics are worshiping Jesus, not a wafter. In the Gospel of John (6:51-56), Jesus states repeatedly that "he who eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life" (6:54). He is speaking literally, and He is so firm that many followers object and leave Him (6:52, 60, 66). St. Paul agrees with this interpetation and writes that those taking Communion "in an unworthy manner will be gulity of profaning the body and blood of the Lord" (1 Cor 11:27 -- see also 1 Cor 10:16). We don't sin against someone's "body and blood" by destroying a photograph (which is a mere symbol) of the person. Moreover, in the Last Supper passages (Mt 26:26-28; Mk 14:22-24; Lk 22:19-20), nothiing suggests a metaphorical or symbolic interpretation. TGhe Last Supper was the Jewish feast of Passover. This involved a sacrificial lamb, and Jesus referred to His imminent suffereing (Lk 22:15-16, 18, 21-22). John the Baptist had already called Him the "Lamb of God" (Jn 1:29).

So i think I should really start reading the Bible.. i finished Genesis a couple years ago and have currently gotten stuck in Exodus.. but i think that I should be taking a Bible Study class also.. cuz the bible is a complex book.. but do i have the time? I know on CatholicExchange.com there are free online bible study things.. but it had stopped.. I wish i had more time to do stuff.. maybe in the future.. but for now.. i think i'll start over.. i'll read genesis again and really work my way through it.. and eventually i will find the time to take a study class.. and by then.. hopefully.. i would have read the bible front to back.. and all i'll need is just clarification..

What do you think.. good idea.. bad idea??

Am I really drifting...

I was reading blogs.. my blogs.. he says he feels like i'm drifting away.. i know i'm not.. but he gets that sense that i am.. i dont' know.. i don't see it.. maybe it's just my frustrations and anxieties that is making it seem like i'm slipping..

I'm not the one slipping.. i feel like he's slowly slipping through my fingers.. and i'm trying desperately to hold on to him.. but no matter how hard i try.. he slips further and further away from.. and i feel so helpless..

He tells me I have to have faith in myself that I will do what I need to do... thinking back.. i dont think there was ever a time that i have had faith in myself.. i knew what i had to do.. and i did it.. i never believed that i could do it.. i've never really believed in myself.. i always fail.. somehow..

I mean.. it's obvious that i dont' know how to be in a relationship.. look at what has happened to us..

I ruin a lot of what I do.. especially in things that matter the most.. like my love life..

When people are single for such a long time.. they start to wonder what is wrong with that person.. well.. if i end up single for a very long time.. i know what's wrong with me.. i know i have problems.. and i know it's my fault these relationships don't work.. then i hold on for dear life to them.. scraping any last bit of hope and strength just to try to make them work.. because i end up falling too much in love.. and then I watch as they slip through my fingers..

He knows I love him. I know he loves me. I'm not going anywhere, I'm not leaving until he tells me to, and even then.. i'm not going without a fight.. he did it for me.. i'm doing it for him.. if he needs me to be the strong one.. i will be the strong one.. until he can come to my level.. like i came to his..

Before I go to bed...

4. Why do you worship Mary?

Catholics do not worship Mary. We venerate her because she is the mmother of God the Son, our Lord Jesus Christ. Veneration is completely different from the adoration of God. It is the honoring of a person, not the worship of Almighty God, our Creator. Catholics believe that Mary is the highest of God's creatures because of her exalted role. But, of course, like any other human being, she had to be saved by the mercy of God. She herself said, "My spirit rejoices in God my savior" (Lk 1:47). We believe that God saved her by taking away all stain of original sin at the moment of her conception (the Immaculate Conception). The very fact that God took on flesh and became man (Jm 1:1, 14) indicates that He wished to involve human beings in His plan of salvation for mankind. Mary was a key person for this purpose, so this is why Catholics honor her so highly."

Well.. there you go.. another question.. we are almost done..

Well.. today was good. I did what I said I was gonna do.. I wasn't gonna dwell.. and I didn't. One day at a time.. baby stips.. take it slow.. gosh.. it sounds so much easier than it really is.. easier said than done.. gosh.. i wish it was easier done also..

Ok.. i'm going to bed.. it's late..

I pray to God this won't happen to me...

I don't want this to happen to me.. to be so scared.. to be so hurt.. that i can't ever let anyone in again.. i mean.. it was hard enough to let justyn in.. it was scary enough to finally let him in my life.. and right when i trusted that everything was going to be ok.. this happens..

I don't want myself to end up like this..

KELLY CLARKSON
"Because Of You"

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because you know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

I want to be able to move on properly if things don't end up the way i really want them to.. i don't want to be hurt beyond repair if the worst happens.. because I know that's what's going to happen.. I don't want to be this song..

I guess.. the point i'm trying to make is that I have to start preparing myself for the worst.. he is.. why can't i.. he knows that there is that possibility.. he's accepted that it could happen.. i should start doing so too.. but please, God.. dont' let it happen... but if it does.. give me the strenght to move on with my life..

Photobucket

This is a test post from Photobucket.com

Which one of us will burn until the end...

I'm listening to New Found Glory and typing with my fingers.. one.. that has a broken nail.. broken kinda deep.. so i can feel it move as i press keys.. not a good feeling at all.. sucks.. oh well..

Now I'm listening to Jason Mraz.. the remedy..

"When i fall in love.. i take my time.. there's no need to hurry when i'm making my mind.. you can turn off the sun.. but i'm still gonna shine.. and i'll tell you whhhhyyyyy..."

Jason Mraz is cool..

Cuz he won't worry his life away...

Oooh.. now it's "You and I Both".. i love this song..

Was it you who spoke the words that things would happen but not to me
Oh things are gonna happen naturally
Oh taking your advice I'm looking on the bright side
And balancing the whole thing
But often times those words get tangled up in lines
And the bright lights turn to night
Until the dawn it brings
Another day to sing about the magic that was you and me

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just read of
Others only read of the love, the love that I love.

See I'm all about them words
Over numbers, unencumbered numbered words
Hundreds of pages, pages, pages forwards
More words then I had ever heard and I feel so alive

You and I, you and I
Not so little you and I anymore
And with this silence brings a moral story
More importantly evolving is the glory of a boy

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just dream of
And if you could see me now
Well I'm almost finally out of
I'm finally out of
Finally deedeedeedee
Well I'm almost finally, finally
Well I'm free, oh, I'm free

And it's okay if you have go away
Oh just remember the telephone works both ways
And if I never ever hear them ring
If nothing else I'll think the bells inside
Have finally found you someone else and that's okay
Cause I'll remember everything you sang

Cause you and I both loved what you and I spoke of
and others just read of and if you could see now
well I'm almost finally out of.
I'm finally out of, finally, deedeeededede
well I'm almost finally, finally, finally out of words.

Uh.. here's another one..

5. Why do you confess your sins to a priest?

Jesus Christ gave His disciples -- and by extension, priests -- the power not only to "loose" sins (that is, forgive in God's name), but also to "bind" (that is, impose penances): "Whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be lossed in heaven" (Mt 18:18 -- see also Mt 16:19). "If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven; if you retain the sins of any, they are retained" (Jn 20:23). The priest serves as the representative of God and of His mercy. Confession gives new courage, confidence, and a fresh start. One learns humility by this practice, receives addional grace in order to avoid sin, and attains a certainty of forgiveness that is superior to mere feelings. Confession is also indcated in Matthew (3:5-6), Acts (19:18), and 1 John (1:9).

Sigh.. i got my list of students today.. i'm excited.. i get a lil roster thing and everything! Yay for being a teacher!!!

The questions continue...

6. Why do you pray to idols (statues)?

No Catholic who knows anything about the Catholic faith has ever worshiped a statue (as in pagan idolatry). If we cherish the memory of mere political heroes with statues, and that of war heroes with monuments, then there can be no objection to honoring saints and righteous men and women: "Honor all men. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the emperor" (1 Pet 2:17 -- see also Rom 12:10; Heb 12:22-23). Statues are simply a visual reminder of great saints and heroes of the faith (Heb 11), who are more alive than we are (2 Cor 3:18), as is evident by their praying: "O Sovereign Lord... how long before thou wilt judge and avenge our blood on those who dwell upon the earth?" (Rev 6:10 -- see also Ps 35:17). The saints in heaven were never intended by God to be cut off from the Body of Christ on earth. They are involved in intercession, just as the saints on earth are, and they are described as "so great of cloud of witnesses" (Heb 12:1).

Sigh.. my morale is usually up.. then.. i talk to him.. and he tends to bring me down with his pessimism.. i called him on it.. i just hope he helps..

You can only cry so much...

But if you didn't cry a lot yesterday.. does that mean there is a buildup of tears and now it's ready to flow again? Gosh.. that's what i feel like doing..

I have an empty feeling in the pit of my stomach right now.. and thats not good.. that's not a good feeling at all.. like.. everything i have ever cherished in my life is beginning to slip through my fingers.

Does he feel the same way or am i just being retardedly too much in love? I hope its the first one.

May I continue...

7. Why do you pray for the dead?

The Bible clearly teaches the rightness of prayers for the dead in 2 Maccabees (12:40, 42, 44-45): "Then under the tunic of every one of the dead they found sacred tokens of the idols of Jamnia, which the law forbids Jews to wear. And it became clear to all that this was why these men had fallen.... [A]nd they turned too prayer, beseeching that the sin which had been committed might be wholly blotted out.... For if he were not expecting that those who had fallen would rise again, it would have been superfluous and foolish to pray for the dead.... [H]e made atonement for the dead, that they might be delivered from their sin." St. Paul teaches this in a similar way: "Otherwise, what do people mean by being baptized on behalf of the dead? If the dead are not raised at all, why are people baptized on their behalf?" (1 Cor 15:29). This indicates prayer and fasting for the dead. The word baptism often symbollically refers to penances (Mi 10:38-39; Lk 3:16, 12:50). The apostle Paul also appears to be praying for a dead person. Onesiphorus, in 2 Timothy (1:16-18)

Hmmm... i still hurt.. and the only way i know i am not gonna hurt anymore is if i know what our fate is.. Please God, make us be together..

No question today..

I have no "Top Ten Question" today.. maybe later.. but not now.. I just feel like blogging.. and I have been doing it a lot lately..

I guess I am all cried out at the moment.. a person can only cry so much.. and hurt so much until they realize that they shouldn't worry until the day we go and talk to someone. The world is still turning. It isn't going to stop for you. It still hurts but i can't put my life on hold right now.

I guess the initial shock of it all is wearing out. And i'm starting to see things a little clearer. A little less pain.. a little more acceptance. But the goal is still the same: to spend the rest of my life with Justyn.. to be his wife.. to be with him.

I'm willing to compromise.. i pray to God Justyn is too. Because what's best for me is not getting exactly what I want. What is best for me is to be with the man I love so dearly. I won't be selling myself short or regretting it in the end.. because I followed what is in my heart. Isn't that what Justyn was trying to make me do all this time? Wasn't he the one that taught me to open and follow my heart? Wasn't he the one that worked so hard to tear those walls down so that I can fully immerse myself into the relationship.. all my heart.. all my soul? Wasn't he the one that told me that love and marriage was the union of two separate lives.. and that compromises and changes had to be made? He was. And he used to tell me that over and over again. I believe it now.

A marriage isn't a union of two people in order to please everyone else around us. We are getting married because we love each other.. our lives will combine according to what we want. Not what everyone else wants. In the end.. it is our lives.. not theirs.. it is Justyn and Rachel living the life we set.. not anyone else.

Is this another reason God is putting me through this.. to learn compromise and love.. to really learn how to love someone.. to really know what it feels like to be so in love?

I just hope that Justyn understands. I just hope he is willing to compromise. I know he loves me. I just hope that he loves me enough to see how much I want this to work. I hope he loves me enough to want it to work too. I hope he is willing to compromise. I pray to God we find a compromise.

Compromise and sacrifice. Compromise and sacrifice to stay together. I just don't want Justyn to give up on me.. to give up on us..

I'm clear-headed now... not like this past weekend. I see things a lot differently.. clearer... and i see how much i love him.. i just hope he feels the same..

Maybe.. but it's a little drastic... doncha think???

So maybe this is God's way of getting us on the ball to settle that whole religion thing.

It's a little drastic.. but i guess it's just a preparation of what might happen. But i pray to God that the worst doesn't happen. I wouldn't know what to do.

Another installment..

8. Why do you call your priest "Father"?

"And call no man your father on earth, for you have one Father, who is in heaven" (Mt 23:9). In this passage, Jesus is teaching that God the Fater alone is ultimately the source of all authority. But He is not speaking absolutely, because if so, that would eliminate even biological fathers, the title "Church Fathers," the founding fathers of a country of organizationk, and so on. Jesus himslef uses the term "father" in Matthew (15:4-5; 19:5, 19, 29, 21:31), John (8:56), and several other places. In the parable of the Rich Man and Lazarus, Jesus actually presents Lazarus as using the address "Father Abraham" twice (Lk 16:24, 30 -- see also Acts 7:2; Rom 4:12; Jas 2:21). St. Paul also uses the term when he writes, "I became your father in Christ Jesus through the gospel" (1 Cor 4:15 -- see also 1 Cor 4:14-16), and refers to "our forefather Isaac" (Rom 9:10).

Sigh.. i am sooo hating my life right now.. i am soo hating everything about me right now.. maybe i do wanna die.. but i woudn't ever do it to myself.. i'm too scared to..

More questions.. cuz i forgot to blog for the past few days..

9. Why do you obey the Pope?

Catholics believe that Jesus cmmissioned St. Peter as the first leader of the Church. Matthew's Gospel has the most direct biblical indication of the papacy: "And I tell you, you are Peter (meaning literally "Rock"), and on this rock I will build my church... I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven: (Mt 16:18-19). Based on this statement of Jesus himself, Peter is clearly portrayed in the New Testament as the leader of the disciples. A pope can make infallible, binding pronouncements under certain conditions. Infallibility doesn't mean that absolutely everything a pope says is free from error. All Christians believe that God protected Holy Scripture from error by means of inspiration, even tough sinful, fallible men wrote it. We Catholics also believe that God the Holy Spirit protects His Church and its head from error (Jn 14:16) by means of infallibility, even though sinful, imperfect men are involved in it.

So that is the question answered for the moment..

Not much has been going on in my life lately.. been really busy.. good news is that things are getting better between Jusytn and I. I'm finding the happiness that we shared just two weeks ago with him again.. that's always a good thing. I just hope that this uphill climb continues... i really hate feeling like our relationship is a mess.. cuz in reality.. it isn't.. i love him so much.. and i'm so glad that we are working things out.

The thoughts of what happened still hurt.. but i'm trying to move on.. trying..