I'm pathetic at creative writing...

I'm keeping my mind clear..
Letting anything and everything filter through..
Maybe it will get clearer..
Perhaps a bit easier..
But to cleanse my mind of everything..
Of every thought of you..
Harder than I thought it would be..
Harder to admit that I should..

You became a part of me..
Half my life.. was all of you..
I let you in exclusively..
No one meant as much to me..
As you had ever been..

I've let this go on long enough..
A purge.. I need a cleanse..

Wash away the guilty feelings..
It wasn't my fault.. we ended this way..
Wash away the sadness..
Take away the weight, the pain..
I was buried under thoughts of you..
Buried in your memory..

It's time to rise above..
I'm so much better now..
I don't need you..
I don't need thoughts of you..
Images of you are faded now..

I've let this go on long enough..
A purge.. I need a cleanse..

Magic...

Is it really magic? I mean.. when two people fall in love.. is it really magic?

Ya.. it's kinda mysterious how two people meet amidst the millions of people in this world.. how.. how you find that one special person in the sea of people that you meet in a lifetime.. but is that really magic?

Does that kind of magical love that is found in movies really exist? Are all those sayings about "finding forever" and "mr. perfect not always being mr. right" and "not knowing when love hits you.. because it just comes".. are all those sayings true.. or is it just words written for the movies?

How can love be magic if you spend the rest of your life working at it.. keeping it healthy.. keeping it growing.. keeping it happy?

Where is that magical love that hits you.. like.. you just know... deep down.. in your heart.. in your soul.. that it's there.. no questions.. no doubts.. no fears about it failing.. no worries about it leaving.. does that really exsist???

All my life.. i've dreamed about finding that one magical true love.. well... maybe i've been dreaming about it since i've seen this movie a couple of years ago..

But still...

All my life.. i've dreamed about that special guy.. that will come.. look deep into my eyes.. tell me he's the one he's been waiting for all his life.. hold my face so gently in his hands.. pull me close.. and give me the most tenderest of kisses... then.. just hold me.. take me fully into his arms.. and just hold me.. whisper in my ear that he loves me.. that he never wants to let me go.. and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me..

I've dreamed of that one moment.. where it gets all hazy around us... we move in slow motion towards each other.. all the while.. gazing into each other's eyes.. he holds my hands... brings me close to him.. get's down on one knee... tells me that the time we've spent has been the best he's ever had.. that all he wants in this world is to be with me.. to grow old with me.. to have a family with me.. that he loves me and that i make him so happy.. he pulls out the ring and proposes...

I'm crying at that point.. and like a scene out of a movie.. i get down on my knees to get to his level.. i look into his teary eyes.. and pull his face close to mine.. and whisper 'yes'.. and then i bring him close and kiss him.. he takes my hand.. slips the ring on my finger.. looks into my eyes and tells me that i have just made him the happiest man on the earth..

Are magical moments like those only made for the movies?? Can they.. or will they.. ever happen in real life?

Have I been hoping for a lost cause? Have I been dreaming about something that will never happen in that manner? Is it a waste of mindspace or heartspace to yearn for moments like that?

Is love really all that magical???

Argh.. boo.. hiss.. and all that negative stuff...

Yes.. negative.. negative.. negative.. i'm so damn negative.. i'm drifting into positive... ha!

No.. not really.. I actually have been waking up quite pleasantly.. well.. as pleasant as you can get at 5:00 in the morning and it's freezing and you have to leave the comfort of your cozy bed.. sigh..

Don't you hate it when you heat up your food in the microwave and you heat it up too hot.. but the wierd thing is that the container is scalding.. but the food is lukewarm.. i just don't get it.. it's one of life's greatest mysteries.. ok.. well.. the food is still cold.. but i swear i burned myself getting the damn tupperware thingy outta the microwave.. sigh.. what is a girl to do!

Yes.. I know.. I have issues.. i'm stressing over the least stressable thing on the planet..

I can't help that I'm in a good mood.. hahaha..

But seriously speakiing.. I think that Friday has really been a turning point in my life for me.. I mean.. since then.. I found myself a tad more pleasanter and open to the fact that I can be cheerful and happy.. it may not seem like it cuz my mind seems to be heavy with thought.. but i guess it's just me.. facing everything.. every last possible detail and problem and trying to solve them.. or find some sorta resolution so that i can finally know what it feels to enjoy the relationship..

Ya.. so there!

I'm just me.. I'm just here..

TIRED!

I'm tired of working here.. I mean.. it's a great place to work at.. very lenient.. but still..

I just want to curl up in a little ball and sleep.. forget about work.. forget about money.. forget about bills.. just have them not exist anymore.. for at least a month..

I need to start over again.. I need to start afresh.. i am so worn out and so burned out.. i'm finally able to admit it.. it's too much for me by myself here..

I need help here.. I need a knowlegable assistant.. someone that's going to stay longer than a month or two.. I need someone in this lab to help me! Good grief.. this is driving me nuts!

I need a vacation... i can't work like this.. i really can't.. i need to leave for a month.. to just relax and do nothing..

It's almost time to go home..

Guy's suck! They suck ass so bad!!! I mean really!!!

So ya.. that one guy from a long time ago.. ok.. last year.. argh..

Talked to my friend today.. and he gave me an unnecessary update on that ass.. no.. i'm not bitter.. just aggitated.. i swear.. he's so effin' retarded..

When we were "seeing each other" or whatever the hell you wanna call what we did together.. he was too lazy to drive all the way from his house to my house.. saying that it's too far.. yadda yadda yadda.. i used to go to his house after class to hang out with him.. and then go home in the middle of the night.. and it wasn't a big deal for me.. and i know he would come out to hang with me.. but still.. i used to have to convince him.. or whatever.. grr.. and he used to say he liked me.. BULL!!

So i find out he's been seeing this girl out in NORTHERN CALI!!! C'mon.. he's been flying/driving out there every weekend or whatever for the longest time.. oh fine.. fontucky's too far.. but he can take a plane out there.. no big deal!

Ah! I guess I wasn't virginial enough for him.. argh.. asshole!

It's ok.. she can have is controlling self.. i don't need a guy like him.. too intense.. and had the potential of being really controlling..

I've got a man.. and he's great.. and he is willing to drive out to my house without throwing a shit-fit..

I guess when you find that one special person.. you're willing to go to all lengths to be with them..

But that just makes me feel a little hurt.. like it's a blow to my ego.. i guess i was just not good enough for him..

But in the end.. does it really matter? I mean.. look how it all ended up.. i'm with a great guy that i know is the one i'm willing to spend the rest of my life with.. i don't need him..

He was never straightforward... he played games.. she can have those games.. i've got the real thing.. and i'm thankful..

Last half hour of work...

Finally.. I'm down to the final work stretch..

Twenty five minutes left.. and I feel like i've only been at work for five minutes. Today zoomed by quickly. It helped that there was a lot to do.. but usually I'm dragging it.. but today.. i let the work consume me and I was finished in a flash. I think that I have an inxeplicable burst of energy and a morale boost from unspecified origins..

Ha.. me and my funky jargon..

Well.. there really isn't much to blog about when I'm trying very hard not to let the current things in my head get to me. I've aknowledged them.. and I really have no reason to worry about them.. there is honestly no cause to worry.. so why am i worrying?

I'm worrying cuz it's what I'm used to doing.. I'm used to really dwelling on something until it eats at me even though I dont have reason for it to eat at me.. then I let it affect the people arround me..

It used to make for some good blogging topic.. but now.. that i'm trying to let it go.. there is nothing to blog about.. except for the fact taht i'm trying to get it outta my head..

Look at what I loser I have become.. and i'm not joking either..

I mean.. how low of a person have i become.. really???

How much do i hate the cold?!

Man! I hate this.. I mean.. i love being bundled up in massive blankets.. amidst a sea of pillows.. i think i'm making up for my lack of "man In my bed".. ha!

Anyway.. i love being bundled and snuggled.. but not when i am freezing... i don't bundle and snuggle for the purpose of trying to gain warmth.. i should already be warm and the out side air shoudl not be freezing!!! Yes.. i have spoken!

Bring back the summer so that i can sleep in my hot peace!

Call me McGuyver.. suckers!!!

Yes! That makes me 100x cooler than I used to be.. ok.. so the story..

I was writing on the white board an update of pending tasks to do here at work.. when.. alas.. the black marker falls between the filing cabinet and the wall.. which is about 2 cm of space.. i couldn't put my finger let alone my hand through that gap.. and the marker was far enough that i couldn't just reach for it anyway..

So i get a ruler.. but the ruler is too short also.. but not by much..

So i twist up a paperclip.. and it reaches! Yay! But how do i drag the marker with a paper clip.. hmmm...

Aha! Scotch tape! I wrap scotch tape around the end of the paper clip.. and reach.. reach.. yes! i got it.. yay!

Marker is saved.. and i am a genius..

His name is Lancelot..

Ya.. nice subject title.. and this entry has NOTHING to do with Lancelot.. or Spamalot.. or anything.. even thought the Diva's Lament is playing on my iPod right now..

Here's a song.. it's pretty old.. but i found that Gary Valenciano sang it on the CD that I bought.. it was originally a duet here in america.. I love this song.. one of those quintessential wedding songs..

It was a Jim Brickman song.. sung by Jordan Hill and some guy..

Destiny

Jordan:
What if i never knew
what if i never found u
i'd never have this feeling in my heart

Billy:
how did this come to be?
i dont know how u found me
but from the moment i saw you
deep inside my heart i knew

chorus
(together)
baby you're my destiny
you and i were meant to be
with all my heart and soul
i'd give my love to have and hold
and as far as i can see
you were always meant to be..
my destiny

Billy:
i wanted someone like you
someone that i could hold on to
and give my love until the end of time

Jordan:
but forever was just a word (just a word)
something i'd only heard about
but now you're always there for me
when you say forever i believe

chorus
(together)
baby you're my destiny
you and i were meant to be
with all my heart and soul
i'd give my love to have and hold
and as far as i can see
you were always meant to be..
my destiny

Jordan:
ohhhh
(together)
maybe all we need is just a little faith
cause baby i believe

Billy:
that love will find a way

baby you're my destiny
youu and i were meant to be
with all my heart and soul
i'd give my love to have and hold
and as far as i can see
from now until eternity
you were always meant to be...
my destiny...
you're my destiny...ahhh..yea..yeaa...

I love this song.. Gary sings it as a solo.. i would love to sing this song too.. hmm.. ideas...

It's a wierd world.. doncha know it...

It's a wierd world and it won't slow down.. it's a wierd world.. not matter how you roll it..

Wow.. BSB being profound and making sense..

I'm still late.. and every day that passes is another day i'm late.. but i know it's coming because my stomach is acting up.. and my stomach usually acts up before it comes.. but it's worrying me that i'm late.. and i think it's due to stress.. but i can't help feeling nervous everytime i'm late and stuff.. you know.. you would be too..

He doesn't seem worried.. but still.. it's worrying me.. and i hope i'm gonna get it soon.. i feel it.. maybe if i twist extra in yoga class tonight.. i'll wring it outta me.. gross!

Sigh.. now is not the time to be late.. i mean.. i don't need that extra stress right now.. i mean.. really..

At least I have time to blog today. Yesterday and friday were ridiculous... I had no time for anything but bustin' my ass of at work.. that is not fun.. at least now.. i'm able to sit here in the office and blog my heart out..

I added the Gary Valenciano CD to my iPod today. I put the damn thing on shuffle so I haven't heard one song from that CD.. i have about 300 songs in here.. so it might take awhile.. but i have heard a lot of New Found Glory.. hmm.. oh wait.. now it's the Black Eyed Peas..

Speaking of music.. i still have't made justyn his copy of Mr. A-Z.. he told me last friday.. well.. i'm not gonna see him til tomorrow.. hopefully.. so ya.. i'll just do it then.. if i remmeber..

I survived another Monday..

Well.. look at that.. i'm in bed by 10pm.. that's a miracle. I should be sleeping.. I took an allergy pill at 9:30.. i can feel it kicking in.. i hope it doesnt knock me out too much.. I don['t want to oversleep. This is the wrong week at work to oversleep.

There is just so much stuff to do.. and if he was smart.. he wouldn't have let my assistant go.. or at least tried to get an overlap so that we can train this new person at the same time.. so that it won't be so hard to get this person up to par.. i meshed with my old assistant.. he understood me and didn't take me too personally.. so i was able to tell him how to do things and i knew he wasn't offended..

Sigh.. i hate this.. it's like starting a relationship again.. how your feeling each other out.. except in relationships.. your happy cuz you found some one to spend time with..

Not like this stuff.. where your forced to work with this person..

NOT FAIR!!!

I have to go..

I have to get ready for my retreat.. why is it.. when I have to get ready for something.. i'm on my computer... blogging.. why?

Why can't I just get ready and go? Why must my computer get the best of me and cause me to be late because something profound popped into my head and i must express it on a blog before i go completely insane?

Well.. i dont really have anything profound to write about right now.. those profound thoughts usually come to me in the car.. while driving.. when it is absolutely impossible to pull out my computer and beging blogging...

"yes.. well.. i rear-ended the car in front of me because i was blogging about something that happened to me during the day. please forgive me officer..."

Ya.. that's gonna fly.. i'll get away with that..

No.. right now.. i have nothing but the urge to my move my fingers at a rapid pace.. forming words and sentences of the thoughts that are rambling through my mind at warp speeed.. however.. none of it makes any sense.. there fore i'm just typing...

I guess I'm avoiding getting ready.. cuz i need to go.. but i'm lazy.. it's one of those lazy saturdays where you dont' wanna really do anything but either lie down all day.. or hit the malls all day.. i did get paid ths week.. so my paycheck is screaming at me to buy somethingnew and cute.. maybe i might.. i think i'm going to the brea mall after the retreat.. so good times.. yay...

This is a sad.. pathetic lil journal entry.. i must go get ready as i hang my head in shame...

Here.. another Christian Bautista song.. a duet..

Miracle

i believe the fantasy of what
might be you and me.. yeah…
somehow I've known this moment,
written cross the stars in the sky

something like a miracle
whether it be real or make believe
i cherish the emotion
i never could feel
how a love so divine has taken
me over my mind

not a moment in time precious
as this moment with you
the love we have is
more than a miracle
everyday of my life is carefully
entwined with you
you're more than a miracle

you've taken my heart away to a wonderland
you hold me in your arms… ever so tenderly
i'll whisper words so true
it's a thrill I can't deny
how you touch me deep inside
i feel your love, in every little way,
every single way
you're all I desire, that's why…

not a moment in time precious
as this moment with you
the love we have is more than a miracle
everyday of my life is
carefully entwined with you
you're more than a miracle

and as the days go by I'll show just
how much I love you so
you'll be here always in my heart
around your way is where I'll be
to share my love so constantly
each time I smile is all because of you…
and you know it's true

not a moment in time precious
as this moment with you
the love we have is more than a miracle
everyday of my life
is carefully entwined with you
you're more than a miracle

not a moment in time precious
as this moment with you
the love we have is more than a miracle
everyday of my life
is carefully entwined with you
you're more than a miracle

Yes.. pretty.. too bad he's singing it with one of the chick singers i'm not too thrilled about.. nina.. nope don't like her..

So my dad worked a 16 hour day today... and he's doing it again tomorrow.. then i remember what justyn said about the overtime he had to do for the past few days.. and how he hates it.. how do you think my dad feels. he's busting his ass.. and justyn does one hour overtime (not in one day!) and he's complaining..

Now.. i understand that my dad and jusytn work different jobs.. and one hour of overtime doing justyn's job might be enough to kill somepeople..

But.. my dad's at work for 16 hours! That's more than half a day! Maybe that can put some perspective to his whining.. not that there's anything wrong.. but he should just kinda think about that...

Here.. another Christian Bautista song.. a duet..

Miracle

i believe the fantasy of what
might be you and me.. yeah…
somehow I've known this moment,
written cross the stars in the sky

something like a miracle
whether it be real or make believe
i cherish the emotion
i never could feel
how a love so divine has taken
me over my mind

not a moment in time precious
as this moment with you
the love we have is
more than a miracle
everyday of my life is carefully
entwined with you
you're more than a miracle

you've taken my heart away to a wonderland
you hold me in your arms… ever so tenderly
i'll whisper words so true
it's a thrill I can't deny
how you touch me deep inside
i feel your love, in every little way,
every single way
you're all I desire, that's why…

not a moment in time precious
as this moment with you
the love we have is more than a miracle
everyday of my life is
carefully entwined with you
you're more than a miracle

and as the days go by I'll show just
how much I love you so
you'll be here always in my heart
around your way is where I'll be
to share my love so constantly
each time I smile is all because of you…
and you know it's true

not a moment in time precious
as this moment with you
the love we have is more than a miracle
everyday of my life
is carefully entwined with you
you're more than a miracle

not a moment in time precious
as this moment with you
the love we have is more than a miracle
everyday of my life
is carefully entwined with you
you're more than a miracle

Yes.. pretty.. too bad he's singing it with one of the chick singers i'm not too thrilled about.. nina.. nope don't like her..

So my dad worked a 16 hour day today... and he's doing it again tomorrow.. then i remember what justyn said about the overtime he had to do for the past few days.. and how he hates it.. how do you think my dad feels. he's busting his ass.. and justyn does one hour overtime (not in one day!) and he's complaining..

Now.. i understand that my dad and jusytn work different jobs.. and one hour of overtime doing justyn's job might be enough to kill somepeople..

But.. my dad's at work for 16 hours! That's more than half a day! Maybe that can put some perspective to his whining.. not that there's anything wrong.. but he should just kinda think about that...

You got played!

Oh geez. So I'm watching "Ikaw Ang Lahat Sa Akin" and it's good. Man.. these people are getting played... woo wee..

Justyn's last day of school is today. I am so proud of him for sticking through this and finishing so highly. I love him and I'm very happy for him! Yay!

Doesn't he know that it's pretty much up to him whether or not we are going to be together for a long time.. that it's up to him whether or not this relationship goes further.. i don't plan on going anywhere.. all he has to do is say the word and i'll either stay or go..

Why does he question when it's all up to him... i'm the one that should be questioning things.. cuz i know what i want.. and at times.. i know what he wants.. but if anyone in this relationship should be questioning where we are going.. it should be me.. cuz i don't know what he wants in the end...

That's all..

I wanna sexy costume!

Sheesh.. this sucks.. if i were more enthusiastic about Halloween and if i were invited to any worthwhile Halloween parties.. i would most definitely jet down the Fredrick's of Hollywood and buy myself a sexy Halloween costume... sigh... oh well.. maybe next year.. but then again.. i might get fat next year.. we'll just see to it that it doesn't happen...

I wanna go to Urban Outfitters.. i have an urge to shop even though i know i shouldn't spend the money right now..

I'm also going into a food coma.. had yummy mexican food at durango's.. it's making me sleepy..

I am really not feeling it today.. I'm sleepy now.. especially after that lunch.. mmhmmm....

For some reason... that shoulder-stand i did yesterday in yoga class didn't agree with me.. my bone right behind my neck.. part of the first part of my spine.. don't ask me for names.. i can't remember right now.. cervical.. thorasic.. lumbar??? It' hurts. like its bruised...

Song of the moment belongs to my beloved Backstreet Boys... It's called.. "Just Want You To Know"

Looking at your picture from when we first met
You gave me a smile that I could never forget
And nothing I could do could protect me from you that night

Wrapped around your finger, always on my mind
The days would blend 'cause we stayed up all night
Yeah, you and I were everything, everything to me

I just want you to know that I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know

All the doors are closing I'm tryin' to move ahead
And deep inside I wish it's me instead
My dreams are empty from the day, the day you slipped away

I just want you to know that I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know

That since I lost you, I lost myself
No I can't fake it, there's no one else

I just want you to know
That I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know

That I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know


The video is great.. they are wearing mullets! Sweet!

God's path.. or God-given free will...

If God's plan for someone was to die of being murdered does that mean he intended for the murderer to kill this person? I know that God is loving and wouldn't want any of us to kill but I just don't understand how his plan could include that for someone.


- Puzzled

Dear Puzzled,

God has given each human being a free will and people can use that free will for good or for evil. Since God is all-knowing, God knows how people will use that gift of free will but that does not mean that he determines what they will do. You and I know that the sun will come up each morning but that doesn't mean that we make it come up each day. God knows what we will do with freedom but that doesn't mean that God determines what we do with our free will.


- Fr. Gary

So.. i'm reading this.. and i'm like.. what???

I've spent the majority of my early adulthood trying to accept the fact that God has a laid-out plan for me.. and I am just doing things according to His will.. He's got it all laid out and every hurt.. every pain.. every joy.. every laugh.. was part of His plan..

Now I'm reading this.. and it's telling me.. I'm doing things according to my own will.. it's all up to me.. He knows what kind of person I am and will be.. but he doens't make the decisions.. i do..

I understood that as a child.. whenever I would lie about something.. i was always told.."only God knows what you are doing.."

Then... as I got older.. i was told "things happen for a reason.. it's all God's will"

Then.. what about all this "thy will be done.." stuff in the Lord's Prayer..

So.. now.. are they telling me there is no such thing as "God's will?" And that I make my own destiny.. and God will judge me in the end? And.. all the bad things that happened... they are bad things and God had nothing to do with them..

Does that mean that nothing happens for a reason.. that.. they just happen... and it's up to us to do with it..

Gosh... it's like i've been jolted... it's like.. i don't really know what to believe about my life.. and the events of my life..

I'd like to think that we all have a plan.. a somewhat pre-determined plan.. that everything that we do.. and every thing that happens was because God wanted it to happen.. that He has a will for us.. "Thy Will be done.." we pray that all the time.. and now they are telling me that i make my own plans.. God just watches...

If God just watches.. does he ever really intervene.. is there really a such thing as "divine intervention?"

And if He just watches.. then.. what good are prayers? You pray and pray for something to happen.. but.. if He's just watching.. then.. all He is doing is listening.. it's up to us to really make those prayers come true... not Him..

Am I being a bad Catholic??? Or should I continue to search for something that makes more sense? I thought that Catholism made sense to me.. and in a lot of ways.. it does.. but.. after hearing that.. it's giving me those questions again...

And here's a new one.. is God doing this to me in order to strengthen my relationship with him.. or not??? What is the reason behind all this??? Why is this coming up in my life now.. especially when I am teaching children the works of God.. and of our faith.. why is this coming up now???