One last blog before I go...

My throat is bothering me again. What is up with that.. the third time i caught the kid's colds. I hope this won't last that long cuz the last one only lasted a week. I should be on my way home soon. About another ten or fifteen minutes and then i'm gonna go..

Production week.. i totally forgot.. so i must be at the theater all week.. this sucks.,. but after this i'll be theater free for a long time! Sucks.. but i guess it's what needs to be done...

I'm still contemplating this whole career thing. Some of me tells me to stick with the company cuz things are looking up. Other parts of me are telling me to continue the teaching. I don't know what to do. And i need to finish the cover letter to the other company i want to apply to. So i still don't know what to do.. it's all too overwhelming.

Everything is gonna workout in the end. I just know it. God won't let me down. But it's just scary when I can't see the future. When i don't know if the decision i make is the right one. But that's life, right? Life is all about the unknown. Life is a big game. And that's why I tend to hate life. I would love to have things laid out for me and my future shown to me. It's like reading the end of a mystery novel to know who dun it. It's like looking at the answers at the back of word puzzle books to know if you made the right guess. You can't do that with life. You just have to roll with the punches... and i hate instability or uncertainty. But that's life.. i guess...

Who's who.. what.. where???

Um.. work.. the final frontier.. these are the voyagers of the starship.. helica.. it's mission.. to explore strange new worlds... and i don't know the rest..

I got paid today.. yay.. money.. but it's not as much as i got last time.. i need to make at least 8 hundred some a paycheck to feel like i'm make more than i'm spending.. my bills aren't gonna be as bad.. i these huge bills to deal with.. and my mom is giving me back 1000 dollars anyway.. so it's all good.. but i still pull under this pay check.. i don't know for this month.. lemme calculate it.. $10.35 positive. But that's still not including the wedding fund contribution (-$150) and the growth fund contribution (-$50).. so i'm gonna go negative this month. I've been doing that a lot lately.. i need to stop.

December.. i made positive almost a grand.. so it can be done.. considering i got paid three times that month cuz of the way it was made... grr...

Negative in November!

Positive in October.. only cuz that's when i got my settlement check too...

Positive in September... barely...

Very positive in August... only cuz i think i deposited three paychecks that month.. plus some graduatiion money...


Alrighty that's it for now... till next time

What the hell.. i should be asleep???

So i have to get up at 4am tomorrow morning.. it's is 10:30-ish tonight.. and i'm no where near getting ready for bed. I have to write a stupid educational philosophy paper which i barely started about fifteen to thirty minutes ago. I don't know how much more i have to write. I'ts about a half a page when written which means it's a lot less typed. That sucks. Stupid homework.

I don't mind the class. I don't mind the learning. I'ts the homework i didn't miss about school. I hated it then.. and i apparently still hate it now..

I so didn't realize that i needed a philosophy to my education. I just wanted to teach.. i didn't think i needed to think about it.. but i apparently do.. and that sucks.. i didn't know becoming a teacher makes you think that deeply about your practice... oh well,.. i guess it's just the price you have to pay...

Well.. i'm gonna go back to writing that damned paper now.. good thing it's only a 'rough draft'.. it's subject to change with more time...

Perfect.. just absolutely perfect....

ALL MY LIFE
Linda Ronstadt featuring Aaron Neville


Am I really here in your arms
Its just like I dreamed it would be
I feel like we're frozen in time
And you're the only one I can see

Hey, I've looked All my Life for you
And now you're here
Hey, I've spent All my Life with you
All my Life

And I never really knew how to love
I just hoped somehow I'd see
Asked for a little help from above
Send that angel down to me

Hey, I've looked All my Life for you
And now you're here
Hey, I've spent All my Life with you
All my Life

I never thought that I could feel a love so tender
I never thought I could let those feelings show
But now my heart is on my sleeve
and this love will never leave
I know
I know

Hey, I've looked All my Life for you
And now you're here
Hey, I've spent All my Life with you
All my Life
All my Life

Hey, I've looked All my Life for you
And now you're here
Hey, I've spent All my Life with you
All my Life

Oh Good Gawd... i'm gonna scream!

So.. this cold... it's really starting to get on my nerves. I am sooo sick of being stuffy. I'm soooo annoyed!

I'm watching the FRIENDS episode when Chandler proposes to Monica... awww... i wish i had a ring. I guess taht's just the girlie girl in me to want an engagement ring. He just gave her the ring! He just gave her the ring! I'm all teary eyed. I hope i get just as teary-eyed when i get my ring. IF i get my right. Good gawd. Oh well. Whatever happens... i guess...

It's sucks that we've been so busy lately. But we knew that this was coming! We knew that we were gonna be super duper busy. We knew that we weren't gonna have a lot of time to spend with each other. It just sucks cuz i like spending time with him. My mom says i should make the most of the fact that we hardly see each other cuz then we won't smother each other. Especially because when we get married.. we'll be spending the majority of the day with each other.. and no one else. So we should just enjoy having separate lives for a while. But i miss him! I miss him a lot.

Gosh.. i'm such a damn sap!

Why does this always happen to me?

Why am i getting another cold? Why am i catching everyone's cold? Man.. this sucks. I'm watching FRIENDS and preparing to go to the school board meeting. Boo to meetings. I don't like meetings. I don't wanna go. But i have to go. This really sucks. I'm so not excited.

Valentine's Day is coming up. I don't believe in it. Justyn doesn't believe in it. So i guess we're just gonna hang out like usual. But it won't be a Valentine's Day sorta thingy. What day does it fall on? I know about two years ago it fell on a Friday. Or maybe it was last year. I know I was with that one guy. I know I worked. So i think it was a Friday. Maybe this year is on a Saturday.

Nope. It falls on a Monday. We are both busy. I have a voice lesson. He has class. So maybe we wont' do anything. Oh well. It is a good thing we don't believe in that stupid holiday.

Okay. Well. I gotta go and get ready for the board meeting.

Did i do the right thing???

I almost ended it with Justyn. Did i do the right thing by staying? I do love him. I love him a lot. And I do wanna spend the rest of my life with him. But we are such different people. We see things differently. Will that make a marriage work? All the love in the world can't magically fix differences in opinion.. or can it? I know i would be completely miserable if i had to live without him. But i don't know how well i can live with him...

What am i gonna do.. is this gonna work out.. why am i doubting all of this.. is this what it's like to have cold feet.. and if that's the case.. why is it me... what does all of this mean.. what is the Lord trying to tell me.. should I back out? Should i see this through.. i don't want to be two days before the wedding and completely change my mind and call it all off... then all that money.. all that effort.. gone.. done... pointless... should i do something now.. to spare me all the pain.. but what if we are supposed to be together.. what if that's the plan.. and i'm just being scared... like i'm always being scared... what am i supposed to do.. what does all this mean.. why do i have to feel this way.. why can't i be as sure as he is.. why can't i be as confident as he is..

I'm still scared... but i want to make this work.. i love him.. i can't imagine my life without him. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I should be willing to make this work if i want to spend the rest of my life with him. I can get over this. I need the Lord's guidance. I'm offering this all to Him. He knows what He's doing for me. I trust Him completely.

Why???

Why do i always end up with the biggest headache when i talk to my mother about the date of the friggin' wedding... it's like she doesn't want us to get married.. she's always finding ways to discourage it.. you know.. that's why i don't talk to her about these things anymore.. i'm tired of hearing all the negativity about it.. i'm sure we'll make it work.. i'm sure it'll work out in the end.. right??

I'm saving and saving.. he needs to save and save.. he's gotta save and save.. but i don't feel like he's saving and saving.. i need to talk to him.. but how do i tell him.. how do i say.. you need to save and save.. he's got it in his head that once he graduates.. he'll be making six figures immediately.. i wish and hope and pray that were to happen.. but i doubt it.. he needs to work his way up.. and that might take awhile.. so.. ya..

Lord... please.. help make things work out... please help us find the money and the means to make this wedding happen when we want. We want to get married next August, Lord. Please help us find the way to make that happen. Lord, we trust that You will make the ends meet and we will be able to do this when we want.

Boredom.. extreme boredom...

Why am i still here? Why do i insist on staying.. i should be working for a much bigger company.. for much more money!! Good gawd.. life sucks.. plus.. i'm surrounded by people that i cannot stand. I'm forever stressing about this stupid job.. forever... I can go home soon!! Yay.. that's always a good thing!

An hour left.. an hour left before i begin that journey to a far off place.. not really.. i actually have to go back to cal poly tonight and do my LiveScan thingy to get my fingerprinted so that i am deemed safe to be inside classrooms...

Those are always kinda scary. I pesonally don't think i have anything incriminating such as a criminal record. But what if someone were to steal my identity without my knowlege and then ran havoc among a city.. then i'd be soo screwed cuz that was sooo not me! And my name would be tainted and all hell will break lose and i would die a horrible lousy death and stuff... and that wouldn't be fun at all...

Pissed... pissed... pissed...

Argh.. i hate working here! It's just sucks.. i mean.. what work place has paychecks that friggin bounce and get returned.. it's just an absolute blessing that i have all that money in the bank and that i don't live off of paycheck to paycheck because i would be absolutely screwed.. my credit will have been at a bad status... and all hell would be breaking loose... i am soo frustrated and pissed off by all of this.. this is absolutely insane... there is no explanation for any of this madness... none at all...

So i'm thinking of getting into substitute teaching.. i don't know how fruitful it would be.. i'd be doing that instead of doing this and then wondering whether or not the damn check went through or not... and plus i'd be in a classroom already.. i'd get classroom experience.. i'd be able to be in a classroom... wow.. that's cool.. and then i'd be able to go to school and be in a classroom.. gaining experience.. but i'm going round and round in circles with the reasons.. my main reason for wanting to sub teach is to just get my ass outta here already.. geez... and so maybe then i'd be able to get my teaching stuff done faster..

But.. it is a good idea financially... will i be able to make enough money to support all the bills i have to pay and the credit cards i have to pay off and to be able to save for the wedding... is it a good money idea to move from a steady (relatively steady) flow of income to something as sporadic as substitute teaching that only gets paid per job and some of it could be volunteer??? Is it... is it??? I need help.. i need guidance.. i need help help... really someone.. anyone... help!!!!

WAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

I need help... i really need help.. i'm feeling so blah today.. so... lethargic.. so apathetic.. i don't wanna be here.. and i'm at work.. and it's only 9:30... only 9:30!! My gawd.. can the time move any slower!!! Geez.. i wanna shoot myself.. i really wanna shoot myself.. and just end all this misery..

I feel overwhelmed.. like i can't handle it all.. like there are soo many things piled up against me and i can't handle it all.. i just don't understand.. i don't get it.. everything was going my way at one point... and now i feel like everything has piled up onto my shoulders and i'm having a hard time dealing with it all.. and what sucks is that i feel like i'm the only one dealing with it.. like i can't share it with anyone... no one else understands what i'm going through..

Everyone sees me as this happy peppy person.. with no problems.. no issues.. no nothing.. i'm happy.. i'm peppy.. i'm always up for a good time.. no one knows that i suffer inside.. that i cna't deal with the outside world.. that i'm hap=ving issues dealing with my own life.. that i just want to end my life to put me out of my misery.. and so that i can just be free of all these burdens...

I want to share these burdens with someone.. i want someone to understand my problems... i want someone to tell me that it's all gonna be okay.. there are worse things in this world.. that i can deal with it.. that they'd help me deal with it... why don't i have that.. why can't i have that... i'm killing myself here.. i wanna die.. i wanna just end all the issues.. all the burdens.. all the stuff.. just live my life free of all the issues...

Eeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hee hee...

So.. i'm gonna go back to work in a half an hour.. i'm just gonna sit here and veg infront of my computer screen for awhile.. the finished kits are sitting on my left.. waiting to be packed up and shipped out.. waiting... just.. waiting...

I don't feel like working today.. when do i ever feel like working today... this week went by kinda slow.. but at the same time.. kinda fast.. it feel like 'wow.. it's thursday already' and 'it's only thursday!' all at the same time.. i don't know how i do it.. but that's how i feel..

You know what sucks is that I have so much crap i need to get done and by golly.. argh.. she totally pisses me off.. okay so i'm working on today's shipment right.. not that complicated.. not too hard.. just four kits.. of the same kind.. so it's easy.. plus.. it was obvious that I was done... i was putting them into the kitboxes.. so i obviously had it under control.. and she has the nerve to ask me if i needed help..

When yesterday! Good Gawd... yesterday i was busting my ass trying to get the whole shipment done in 8 hours.. seven different types of kits... a million kits... labeling was hell... putting together the kits was hell... shrink wrapping was hell.. she saw me busting my ass.. but did she ask... NOOO... not one question.. i swear.. i hate it here...

I wanna change my life.. there isn't much socialization in the lab... i'm usually by myself.. and when you work in a lab.. you don't really do much talking cuz you're so busy concentrating on what you are doing cuz there is usually no room for mistakes.. and so... it's soo anti-social.. i hate not talking for 8 hours a day.. i wanna be able to socialize.. to talk to people.. even if it is teaching them something.. at least i'll have more co-workers too.. so if i don't like one co-worker.. at least there are a million more that i could be getting along with...

But here.. if i don't really like one co-worker.. that's it.. then i just don't talk to anyone... that sucks...

Well.. i guess i should get back to work.. even though its only been 10 minutes and i said i was gonna veg for 30... oh well.. that's life.. what can ya do?

Nervous...

I'm kinda nervous... i hope that i'm making the right decision about becoming a teacher... it's a lot of hard work. I think i'm ready for it.. i think i can handle it...

I'm in bed.. i'm gonna go to work early for the third day in a row.. but i'm gonna leave about an hour earlier... so that I can get some stuff done... i need to buy my school book so that I can start studying and stuff.. he's gonna test on the stuff we read in the book... can you believe that.. yesterday's class didn't have any tests.. then again.. there are a lot of papers...

I guess the difference between science and this education stuff is that in science it was a lot of multiple choice stuff... the tests were mainly mulitple choice.. here.. the tests will be short essay and identification tests... no multiple choice at all.. that's sooo not what i'm used to.. except for in virology.. it was all essay type questions.. and those weren't so bad.. so i guess i can handle it.. i'm a big girl...

Okay..well.. i should go to sleep now... i'm sleepy.. and i need to wake up at 4am again.. so ya..

New Year's prayer blog...

Happy new year God! Thank You for all that You have blessed me with. I am grateful for the year that You have given me in 2004. I feel truly blessed to have You watching over me all the time. I pray that You continue to bless me with Your grace and love.

I still trust that You have my best interest at heart. And I know that all that You've been doing has been for the bettering in myself. I know You have a plan for me and for my happiness.

I really want everything to work out. Please bless my schooling, my relationship with Justyn, my family, my friends, my career. Please let everything fall into place. Please help us find the means for the wedding. We truly love each other and wish that everything works out and we can find the means and patience to get married. Guide us all the way to the altar and through life after that.

Amen. (for now...)