What is this...

Okay.. so maybe today might be a tad bit better... hopefully... i'm bored.. theres nothing to do and i'm at work.. again.. like i always am...

In about two days... it'll be 2005... oh my goodness... where has all the time gone? A new year... already! Why is time moving so fast... sometimes i feel like the whole world is passing me by.. sometimes i feel like i can catch up.. sometimes i just sit and watch as it zooms past me... today.. i feel like i'm being dragged through it..

I start school on Tuesday... that means i must come here at the unGawdly hour of 6:30 am... so i can get eight hours and leave at 2:30... my class starts at 4 and ends at 7:50... hopefully the professor will be nice..

It's funny how life has all these lil twists and turns.. it's funny how you think you're following the path.. knowing exactly where it's headed.. then.. all of a sudden.. it takes this sharp turn... then another sharp turn... and you go from living single for the rest of your life.. content with workiing in a laboratory all day... to engaged to be married to this awesome guy and going back to school to become a biology teacher...

I mean.. seriously.. did anyone ever think i'd go this route.. okay.. maybe the whole engaged to be married thing.. but i didn't think i'd ever find anyone anymore.. i had given up on finding a guy to spend the rest of my life with... my luck had been so bad.. i didn't wanna try anymore...

But the whole teaching thing... didn't i used to say that i didn't have the patience to teach.. remember me as the dance captain.. tearing my hair out cuz the squad couldn't get what i was trying to teach... i thought then... i didn't have the patience to become a teacher.. i shouldn't even try... now look at me.. going back to school.. inspired to become this awesome biology teacher.. and i know i can do it..

Look how far i have gotten this year... i graduated college with my b.s. degree... i met the man that i'm gonna spend the rest of my life with (if God permits!).. and i'm going back to school to begin a career change.. all in the span of one year... just one year... one year that can absolutely change the rest of my life... funny...

Grrr...

Now.. at what exact moment did my life actually start sucking??? I mean.. here i am.. 24... doing what i love to do... loving a guy that is way too good for me.. and i thought i was happy.. and then... BAM.. i wake up.. and my life sucks... i mean.. seriously.. i was happy.. i swear to God.. i was happy.. i don't quite know when life turned the other direction.. but i guess i should have known it was coming.. it always does..

LIFE DOES NOT ALLOW RACHEL VIRAY HAPPINESS

The minute life sees me remotely happy.. or showing any glimmer of happiness.. life turns around and finds a way to make my life suck again.. and it's not like it's anything drastic.. it's the little things.. little things that build up into big things.. little things that grow and fester in my psyche... turning into big things that affect my happiness and make my life a living hell.. that's what i does.. that's what it is..

Why... why... why,... i ask myself this ALL THE TIME.. why????

And i still have no answer.....

I am in a bloggy mood!

I've been blogging all day... nonstop.. cuz i'm bored.. there is nothing left to do here.. i'm officially done.. yay.. i can go home...

I'm jealous...

I'm jealous of the people that can give meaningful and insightful blogs... those that blog with purpose and meaning... those.. unlike me.. that don't live their lives randomly and don't have the randomness flowing through their head.. they have purpose.. they have focus.. and it shows in their blogs... i'm officially jealous...

Christmas eve.. what what!!

So the last time I left a blog here was on the 20th.. that is a long time in my world.. i usually blog everyday or every other day.. what's up with that.. well.. for starters.. i've been uber-busy.. and uber-sick...

I'm getting over the sick.. actually i feel like i've slightly relapsed.. i was out in the gawd-awful winds yesterday when i should have rested more.. but we needed to finish off the christmas shopping.. which we finally finished wrapping about half an hour ago.. now we can rest.. sorta.. cuz now i have to start getting ready for tonights xmas eve shindig at my aunts house... the one that we do every year.... now i get to share it with Justyn...

Tomorrow I get to share Justyn's xmas day shindigs with his family.. yup.. i'm gonna be there.. it kinda goes with the whole engaged territory.. splitting holidays.. yup.. that's how it usually goes.. which i don't really have a problem with... i'm kinda looking forward to it.. it's just that i wish i wasn't all that sick... you know what i mean...

So.. let's see.. over the past few days.. i got admitted into Cal Poly Pomona as a post-baccalaureate student.. i enrollled in the two classes i need as pre-reqs into the program.. and i payed a grand in tuition.. a highly eventful week if i say so myself...

Also.. Justyn has made his mind about going to school and if God permits.. he'll be starting on the 10th of January.. he'll be done by September and six months after September is... Oct, Nov, Dec, jan, Feb, Mar...March.. he'll have to start paying off the student loans in March.. wait.. and then he expects us to get married in April.. hold up! No.. way.. that's not gonna happen.. I told him August.. that's good enough.. ya.. give me lotsa time to plan also...

I'm a lil scared about us starting school and all.. new people.. new experiences.. juggling time.. juggling a relationship and schooling.. scared much... but i do have faith in us.. although he doesn't seem to think i do.. and i do think we can work it out... i just get scared.. i'm allowed to get scared... it keeps me on my toes...

Argh.. i'm getting sick...

Oh.. this sooo sucks.. I hate this time of the year. I finally got sick. I've been waiting for it. It's here... five days before Christmas. That sucks even more!

The platters are coming along fine. We are almost done... we just need about four more.. we got two out last night. One that goes to Genette and one that goes to Justyn's family from my family. So it's all good.. we are making good time. The one for Helica should be out tomorrow and we can probably do the neighbors. The individual ones are done. I just need to make a couple of snowmen for Joanna's and then that one is good to go... i just need to make arrangements to give it to her. I need to email her and that's what I'll probably do next.

Oh shoot.. i need to do that stupid price guide for those people at Greiner.. darn.. ya.. lemme email miss joanna first and then do that stupid price thingy.. grr.. i hate work!

"I heard someone crying.."

Hee hee.. i'm listening to the Secret Garden CD.. i missed it.. Justyn's had it for awhile.. he was listening to it.. but i missed it.. I'll give it back when i get tired of it.. even though it's mine.. hmmm!!!

".. when a think is wick.. it has a light about it.." hee hee.. i love the music to this show... it's the best music.. it's one of my favorite shows... the music.. at least...

Anyway... uh.. so.. uh..

FRIENDS is the greatest show ever.. i've been the biggest dork and have been reading the transcribed scripts to the episodes.. cuz i have nothing better to do.. ya.. well.. i'm almost done with the first season.. so ya.. and the scary thing is I can hear and picture the scenes as i am reading... i know i'm a FRIENDS junkie..

I'm sleepy and i don't wanna be here.. i'm at work.. i hate being here.. i love the work i do.. i hate the workplace.. grr... grr....

Mysterious

The Lord works in mysterious ways...

So i'm still trying to figure out why certain things have happened in my life and what good they've given me. I don't know.. i'm in contemplative mood right now...

I mean, i've done a lot of stuff in my life.. a lot of stuff... stuff i should be regretting as i look back on my life right now.. okay.. so maybe not a lot.. but i've done stuff i should regret... but i don't.. i don't regret anything.. I guess it's cuz it's made me the person I am today.. i've learned from those experiences and it molded me into the person i've become...

But what good has it done to my life?? I mean.. look at me.. overall.. ya.. i'm happy.. but at the same time..i don't know.. it just seems i have a hard time excepting things that are good that come into my life..

Have those experiences calloused me? Is that the mysterious way in which the Lord works... to harden me and to make me cynical to things that can be absolutely amazing???

Have all the hurt and all the not-so-wise decisions taken a toll on my conscience right now?? Why am i being so contemplative??? This is starting to get deep...

So... maybe I have made those not-so-wise decisions.. i don't regret them.. because at the time.. it was fun.. it was something I wanted to do.. it was my conscious decision to make... but is it coming back to bite me in the ass... are the internal consequences my punishment??

So.. maybe I've gotten hurt in the past.. is that justification for me to be calloused and cynical when others have gotten hurt and yet they just get back on that horse and ride like nothing happened. I know i'm smarter and wiser because of all the past pain and experiences.. but does being wiser and smarter mean more hesitant and hardened??

Wow.. thoughts to think about...

How do these mysterious ways benefit my life?? Are they supposed to benefit?? Or are they just supposed to be there???

The longest...

This is the longest I have gone without a pediucure! I know.. it's totally random.. but it just goes to show you the lack of time i have and the fact that i really want to save money. That is amazing.

I feel so bad for Justyn. But at the same time, it's what he needs. It;s the way life is gonna be. He's out gettin the money. I'm dealing with family stuff. He wants to go with us to my mothers birthday dinner. But he's working. I'm sorry for him. I want him to be there. I miss him when he's not around. It's wierd. I don't usually miss the guys i'm with but i miss him.

Everything seems different with him. I miss him when he's not here. He's the only one that has given me the butterflies in my stomach when ever we kiss or whenever he holds me. Just thinking about him sometimes gives me those butterflies. It used to happen a lot more in the beginning but it still happens somtimes. I see my future in his eyes. I see with him growing old. I see us taking care of a family. I see us. That has not happened before. I forced it to happen with some guys because I thought that they were my only shot at marriage and family life. I was wrong.. thank the Lord.. i was wrong!

Anyway.. i need a pedicure.. pronto!

Yay.. i can blog in here!

I wasn't able to blog in here earlier.. something about an internal error or some junk.. but it's all good now.. and now i can blog.. about what?? i have no idea.. actually i was thinking of just going home.. cuz i have nothing else to do.. so ya.. maybe i should just go home...

it's 3:30-ish... i'm sleepy.. i took a 10 minute nap.. hee hee.. sleeping on the job..

well.. till tomorrow.. or maybe later!

I hate it here!

I hate it here at my job.. i really do.. it's stupid and it's pointless and it's dead-ended and I wanna leave... i wanna get outta here.. i wanna do something else.. i wish that everything could work out and that i could go to school next quarter to begin working on becoming a teacher...

I'm so f---ing fed up with this retarded place.. i wish that i could leave.. i wish that it all works out.. i want out sooo bad...

I can't stand the people here.. i can't stand anyone.. i just do my work and go.. i don't even socialize with them anymore.. i just do my work and go... yup.. do my work and go..

It's only 11:17?!?!?!

Geez... time is slow today. I'm on a self-proclaimed lunch break. I ate my lunch and I am good to go. I am ready to blog.

:::awkward silence:::

So.. uh.. what should i blog about? I am extremely bored. What is new? I mean, seriously.. with as busy as my schedule is... i get bored a lot. That is not good at all. I should always be pre-occupied. I shouldn't be bored. But, alas, I am. I need another life. A life with more money so that I can do the things I really want to do. I thought I had a lot of money. But then weddings happen.. at least planning weddings happen. And then all of a sudden.. i have no money.. or i don't have enough money. There is soo much stuff I want to do.. but not enough money to do it. Grrr...

That is my complaint for the day!

The end!

I like me the surveys!

What is__

1) your name? Rachel
2) your birth date? September 27
3) your favorite song? Gosh.. so many.. as of now it’s “now that I have you” sung by Erik Santos and Sheryn Regis
4) your favorite band? Hmmm… well.. there’s New Found Glory, Low Millions, Maroon 5, INCUBUS..
5) love? You’re asking me what love is… love is Justyn.. awww…
6) your middle name? Depends… sometimes its Marie.. but technically it’s Tadena.. just depends on what I state my name is…
7) your pets name? Alas.. I have no pets.. sigh…
8) your nick name? Oh geez.. do I have to list them all? Nah.. I’m too lazy…
9) your favorite ice cream topping? Hot fudge… oh ya.. mmm.. chocolate..
10) your favorite movie? Hmmm… Sound of Music.. Splendor in the Grass.. A StreetCar Named Desire.. My Best Friends’ Wedding.. Office Space.. Mommie Dearest.. My Fair Lady.. The King and I.. A Walk To Remember.. CenterStage.. to name a few….

Do you__

1) have any brothers or sisters? Yup.. a brotha
2) drink a lot of soda? Not usually.. I drink a lot of coffee and water
3) go to the mall a lot? I practically live at the mall… when I’m not at work…
5) have a boy friend / girl friend? I did.. then we upgraded our status to fiance and fiance… lol…
4) have a crush / like anyone? I did have a crush on him before we got together…
5) like going to school? I miss school… I never thought I’d see the day that I would actually say that… so if God permits.. I might be going back…
6) play any sports? I’ll watch some sports… like basketball…
7) take showers daily? Um.. of course!
8) have any imaginary friends? I did.. Casper, Spooky, and Paper Teacher.. I was an ecclectic child…
9) miss anyone? I miss Justyn when he’s not with me
10) download music? Legally on iTunes… $.99 a song.. dude.. it sooo adds up!

Are you__

1) gay / bi / straight? I am straight…
2) wierd? Justyn says I am.. but then again, life would be boring if I wasn’t weird…
3) a dork? Oh ya!
4) bored? Usually… unless I’m with justyn
5) wishing you could be with someone else? I always wish I could be with Justyn.. cuz then I won’t be bored all the time!
6) doing anything tommorow? I’ve got a pick-up rehearsal…
7) hungry? Not at the moment.. shocked?
8) thinking of anyone special? I always am!
9) tired? No.. cuz the coffee kicked in… finally
10) cool? I don’t know.. I’d like to think I am…

Have you__

1) gotten drunk? Ya.. and I hate it.. tipsy is fun.. drunk sucks..
2) had sex? Next question please..
3) ditched class? That is what college life is all about!
4) stolen anything? Pinto beans… I was 6!
5) ever wanted to kill some one? Does myself count?
6) ran away from home? No.. cuz I never had anywhere to go..
7) started a fight? With boyfriends… that was when I was in high school!
8) been in a fight? With boyfriends…
9) watched porn? Hee hee.. that one time… Leo remembers… good times..
10) talked back to your parents? Who doesn’t?
11) been ice skating? Nope.. but I might go on the 27th and make a fool of myself…
12) been golfing? Mini-golfing… but I wouldn’t mind trying golf.. I’m not much of a swinger though.. I’d probably suck…
13) destroyed someone elses house? NO!
14) gone to jail? No, thank God.
15) been suspended? Nope.. I’m proud to say that I was never suspended or given detention.

would you__

1) get married? I am getting married.. soon.. please God.. soon!
2) have children? I want 2.. ideally a boy and a girl..
3) sneak out at night? Sure.. if I was brave enough
4) die for one or more of your friends? Ya.. I would
5) steal candy from a kid? Now that’s wrong!
6) hurt someone? I’ve been hurt.. and I’m sure I’ve hurt someone in the past too…
7) spend more than 50 dollars on pants? I try not to.. but if they are cute.. I can’t resist!
8) take drugs? Just the legal kind
9) go skydiving? No thank you!
10) ride a fast roller coaster? Ooh.. I like roller coasters!

last time__

1) cryed? Last Friday night.. but we won’t go there…
2) got your heart broken? Yup… ya.. moving on…
3) broke someone elses heart? I don’t know… I might have.. but I don’t think he cared all that much…
4) listened to music? I’m listening to music right now!
5) were on the phone? Last night when justyn called to say he was home.
6) bought food? Um.. last Saturday.. the Jack in the B-fish…
7) bought a CD? I think when Eminem’s CD came out…
8) got in a fight? It wasn’t a major fight.. but we were both upset… uh.. last Thursday???
9) got yelled at? When am I not yelled at?
10) missed someone? All the time.. I miss Justyn right now!

Favorite__

1) movie? Um.. look up at the top.. there’s a lengthy list up there…
2) drink? Hmmm.. anything coffee related…
3) song? Didn’t I answer these up at the top?
4) band? Ya.. I’m pretty sure I answered these up top…
5) friend? Hmm.. theres Justyn.. of course.. and my b-techers.. and my high school posse… I don’t have favorites.. except for Justyn…
6) beer? I can handle San Miguel (filipino) and those really light beers at the Yardhouse.
7) food? Hmm.. anything chocolate…
8) magazine? Cosmo and Yoga Journal
9) book? Hmm.. The Davinci Code is awesome.. there’s the Ya-Ya Sisterhood books.. I still love the Rapture of Canaan from high school..
10) color? Pinkie

Wish__

1) you could go? To Vegas.. I’m having withdrawls…
2) you could eat? A carne asada quesadilla from Durangos… ya.. I’m still craving it!
3) you had? More free time…
4) you were? A super star!
5) you could be with? Oh.. that’s easy.. with Justyn
6) you didnt? Have to be so full of issues…
7) you would have? Worked at a Starbucks…
8) someone would? Give me money and lots of it!
9) fly to? Anywhere…
10) walk to? I don’t walk.. I drive everywhere…

3__

1) 3 things infront of you? My laptop.. a printer.. a lab book
2) 3 things you want to do? Be with Justyn, sing, sleep… in that order!
3) 3 last songs listened to? Huwag Kang Mawawala, Magpakailanpaman, Sa Piling Mo.. I’m listening to filipino music… Regine Velasquez and Ogie Alcasid.. oh ya…
4) 3 last things you drank? Coffee.. water.. and water…
5) 3 last people who talked to you? Justyn.. the guy at the coffee shop.. wondu..
6) 3 last foods you ate? Dinner from last night.. Lunch from yesterday.. and cinamon twisties yesterday morning.. I haven’t eaten today yet… so it’s all from yesterday…
7) 3 last t.v. shows you watched? Oh geez.. I don’t even know!
8) 3 last people who IMed you / you IMed? Let’s see… Justyn.. Disney.. and some dude from myspace that I haven’t spoken to in forever.. but we didn’t talk for very long..
9) 3 closest friends? Justyn, Joanna (even though I hardly see/hear from her cuz we are both so busy), my cousins (I know it’s more than one person. Oh well)
10) 3 funny people? Justyn.. and all my friends.. I can’t narrow it down to three…

other__

1) what are you going to do next? Some sorta work-related activity…
2) who are you going to call? BD biosciences..
3) who do you want to see? Justyn.. and Zachary and Emma and Josh
4) where do you want to be? Anywhere but here…
5) where do you want to eat? Durangos… mmm…
6) movie you want to see? The Incredibles.. the new Bridget Jones..
7) cd you want to buy? Team America Soundtrack
8) when are you going to sleep? Tonight.. or early tomorrow morning..
9) when will you wake up? Early tomorrow morning…
10) do you wish this survey was longer? No.. it was long enough.

My, my, my...

I'm all sad and stuff. This sucks that Justyn can't go with us to Knotts. I really wanted him to go. I wanted him to bond with my ZZ and stuff. I wanted to have fun. It was gonna be cute. ZZ was gonna look like our lil baby boy.

But we need money... and any money is good money. And if he has to work, then he has to work. It will pay off in the end cuz we'd be able to spend the rest of our lives together. These are just little sacrifices that we have to make right now. Hopefully they do pay off in the end.

Gosh.. money is the root of all evil. Money makes me feel so discouraged about the whole wedding. It's like, i dont even wanna get married anymore if money is gonna be such a dang issue! It's frustrating.. i hate money. But i need money.. it's a love/hate relationship. and that sucks.

MMM... carne asada quesadilla from durangos... mmm... sounds soo dang good right now...

I wish my blogs get noticed...

I wish I were talented enough of a writer to get my blogs noticed by reader people.

That would be uber-cool and then i'd be able to see my name on the front page of the blogger dashboard thing. I wonder if people even read my blog here?

Oh well.. it's not like it's all that interesting.. it's really not.. there really isn't much interesting that goes on in my life anyway.. this is a blog about nothing.. the whole weblog is blog about nothing.. kinda like the seinfeld of blogs.. ya. that's what this is.. the seinfeld of blogs.. i like that.. ooh.. i should rename my blog.. 'the seinfeld of blogs'...

Ya.. so, as usual.. i'm officially bored...

I need to sing.. i'm having singing withdrawls.. doing a straight play is no fun.. there is no singing.. i like singing.. so now that i'm stage managing the youth show.. i thinks that i'ms gonna learn the songs and sing with the kiddies.. that'll be fun.. ya.. give me something to do.. i'll be singing.. yay...

Garsh.. i wanna go home now.. there is nothing left to do... sigh...

Re-organizing my.. huh???

Ya.. so i had no point to that subject title.. i'm bored and waiting for the time to go to the stupid theater to go to the stupid show... I'm sooo not into the whole 'a christmas story'... i'm sooo not into the whole 'catch pneumonia' cold of the theater... so ya.. i don' t wanna be there tonight.. but i guess it's okay cuz it'll get me outta the house.. i'll be able to go out and do stuff.. so yay!

Grrr... ten more minutes then i have to go.. ten minutes.. ten minutes... ten minutes... grrr... i wanna go now.. i wanna get outta here.. but i'd rather not go to the theater.. i just don't wanna freeze to friggin death.. freeze.. freeze.. freeze.. freeze...

It's just not healthy to be in that freezing environment..

Random...

Bored..

Oh.. geez.. i'm sleepy.. i wanna go to sleep... i just wanna sleep... can i skip out on the show and just go to sleep?? Ya.. that sounds good... sleep is a good thing.. yes..

Gawd dammit... maybe i wanna just curl in a ball and die... curl in a ball and sleep... or both.. which ever... dude... not much time is passing.. good gawd.. time goes by slow.. why is it going by slow.. it's supposed to go by fast... fast,.. time is supposed to fly.. why isn't the time flying...

Can people shut up??? People are sooo damn talkative... some people are so fawking retarded... so damn loud.. maybe i wanna die.. maybe it'll be a nice departure.. maybe it'll be nice to finally get away.. i'm soo done with life now... i'm sooo done with everything... ya.. let's do that.. let's just drive off the friggin' cliff... cuz some people watch too many fawking soap operas and made-for-tv movies... what the helks make these people experts.. huh?? huh?? huh?? Who made these people experts.. experts on my damn life?? it's MY LIFE.. no one says it was someone else... MY LIFE... MY LIFE... not hers, not his.. not anyone elses.. but MINE.. so shut up.. leave me alone.. let me do what the hell i want.. it's my damn damn damn damn life.. mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine... no one elses.. i don't care... shit.. dude...

Driving me fawking crazy.. fawking crazy.. fawking fawking fawking crazy.. dude.. i sooo don't care anymore... what ever is gonna happen to me.. is gonna fawking happen to me.. this is the downfall i've been waiting for.. the thing that life gives me that shoots down my happiness.. it always happens.. so i'm taking it.. i'm just gonna take it.. that's all.. if i die.. then i die.. i don't even care anymore... this is my life.. this is what happens.. i don't care...

Life hates me.. remember.. it gives me happiness then it takes it away.. it gives me hope that my life will be better.. then it gives me something else to fawking worry about to shoot down any hope of a completely happy life.. so ya.. i'm used to this..

Fawk Fawk Fawk!!!

Get me outta here.. please...

Here I am.. at work.. the end of the day.. the boss is gone now.. so i've got two choices... leave now and lose two hours of work... or stay and do some cleaning up so that I still have those hours...

I think I'm gonna stay... i'm gonna veg out till about three and then i will clean up til about three thirty.. ya.. that would be good.. that would be fun.. ya.. right..

So it's opening weekend... yay.. the sooner we start the sooner we'll be done! Good times... so the show starts at 8:00pm and then it's a long-ass show... so that's gonna suck.. i liked CLUE cuz it was short and sweet with no intermission.. so that was good.. good and short.. but CLUE was the last show that I wanted to be short and sweet and with no intermission.. i wanted it to be long with an intermission so that i had time backstage with Justyn.. and this was even before we got together.. uh huh!

Hmmm... i've got some free time.. i should call Knotts Berry Farm to ask the wedding reception rates.. how cute would that be to have the wedding reception at the place we first got together. How sweet.. how sentimental.. how cute.. aww.. i'm so swooning by myself.. awww...

There really isn't much to talk about or to do.. i'm sleepy... maybe i should just chill..

CBEST is tomorrow.. officially scared... OMG!

Oh gosh.. get me outta here..

Here I am.. at work.. the end of the day.. the boss is gone now.. so i've got two choices... leave now and lose two hours of work... or stay and do some cleaning up so that I still have those hours...

I think I'm gonna stay... i'm gonna veg out till about three and then i will clean up til about three thirty.. ya.. that would be good.. that would be fun.. ya.. right..

So it's opening weekend... yay.. the sooner we start the sooner we'll be done! Good times... so the show starts at 8:00pm and then it's a long-ass show... so that's gonna suck.. i liked CLUE cuz it was short and sweet with no intermission.. so that was good.. good and short.. but CLUE was the last show that I wanted to be short and sweet and with no intermission.. i wanted it to be long with an intermission so that i had time backstage with Justyn.. and this was even before we got together.. uh huh!

Hmmm... i've got some free time.. i should call Knotts Berry Farm to ask the wedding reception rates.. how cute would that be to have the wedding reception at the place we first got together. How sweet.. how sentimental.. how cute.. aww.. i'm so swooning by myself.. awww...

There really isn't much to talk about or to do.. i'm sleepy... maybe i should just chill..

CBEST is tomorrow.. officially scared... OMG!

Oh gosh.. get me outta here..

Here I am.. at work.. the end of the day.. the boss is gone now.. so i've got two choices... leave now and lose two hours of work... or stay and do some cleaning up so that I still have those hours...

I think I'm gonna stay... i'm gonna veg out till about three and then i will clean up til about three thirty.. ya.. that would be good.. that would be fun.. ya.. right..

So it's opening weekend... yay.. the sooner we start the sooner we'll be done! Good times... so the show starts at 8:00pm and then it's a long-ass show... so that's gonna suck.. i liked CLUE cuz it was short and sweet with no intermission.. so that was good.. good and short.. but CLUE was the last show that I wanted to be short and sweet and with no intermission.. i wanted it to be long with an intermission so that i had time backstage with Justyn.. and this was even before we got together.. uh huh!

Hmmm... i've got some free time.. i should call Knotts Berry Farm to ask the wedding reception rates.. how cute would that be to have the wedding reception at the place we first got together. How sweet.. how sentimental.. how cute.. aww.. i'm so swooning by myself.. awww...

There really isn't much to talk about or to do.. i'm sleepy... maybe i should just chill..

CBEST is tomorrow.. officially scared... OMG!

Extreme boredom... bleck...

Well.. there is nothing to do anymore.. i have nothing to do anymore.. i'm just waiting for my boss to say the word and then i'm gonna go and bring him to his kids school and i guess to his home and then i can skaddadle on my way home.. i get to rest.. i'll study for the CBEST.. yay..

So i haven't heard from Justyn at all today.. wow.. no texts, no nothing.. wow.. that's wierd.. i'm used to hearing from him at least once in the morning.. well.. i'm not gonna text him first.. i'll let him do it.. i usually do it if he doesn't answer.. but i won't do it this time.. i'll be strong.. i'm gonna see who will give in first.. and i'm determined not to give in.. i swear.. but i can bombard his myspace profile.. nah...i won't.. i'll be strong.. i'll just blog..

This is my second blog on this site.. i think i've blogged twice on each of my blog sites.. i should add another blog site to my repretoire.. nah.. this is enough to keep up with...

Tomorrow is FRIDAY.. yay. i can't wait. that's exciting.. oh it looks like i'm gonna go.. i hear keys rattling...

Closure would be nice...

It's our 2 month anniversary.. it's our 1 month engagement anniversary... one month of no-planning planning.. that went by quickly.. especially after we really told our parents.. it flew.. next thing you know.. we'll have to start checking out venues and stuff.. that's exciting.. but scary at the same time...

I'm sooo depressed... Joy took me outta her FRIENDSTER account. She removed me as a friend! How friggin' sad! I mean, i had an idea that she would do that eventually.. but when she finally did.. wow.. did it hurt! I mean.. she said she wasn't mad at me cuz she said i didn't know anything.. which is true.. i had no idea.. but did that also mean that she wanted me to stop seeing justyn? Cuz that was not part of the plan. I was going to continue seeing him. I was already falling for him then. I felt very deeply for him by that point. And according to them nothing absolutely major happened to them. But still..

It still bothers me. The fact that they were kinda seeing each other. I don't think I really ever blogged about it. I mean.. i guess it wouldn't bother me if their stories matched. Their stories aren't the same. She's telling me one thing and he's telling me the other.. who do i believe? My friend that i've known for about 2 years and has no reason to really lie to me, or the guy that i've just started seeing that does have a reason to lie to me cuz he wants me to not stop seeing him. I want to believe him. I want to trust him fully. But why would their stories not match?? Whos telling the truth?? Who's lying to me?? Is anyone leaving something out that I should know?? Why did it have to get complicated so soon in the relationship??

I know i don't usually regret anything in life. Because all of life's experiences shape and mold the person i have become today. But this whole 'joy' thing has made me regret not doing the show. It made me regret convincing her to do the show! It was all my fault that this came about because i seriously bugged the crap outta her to do the damn show. And then this happened. I should have stayed in the show. I should have done the damn show. This whole situation would have been avoided because I would have made it a point that he were with me. She wouldn't have had a chance to be close to him like that! Then I wouldn't be feeling such reservations and hesitation to fully put myself into the relationship.

I have put so much of myself into this relationship. More than I ever thought that I could allow myself to do. But I still don't feel like i'm fully 100% into the relationship because I still haven't gotten any closure to the whole situation. There are loose ends that I want tied. I want closure to it.. but the only way to do that is to have them talk to each other! And i know that will never happen. I want to be there to see them straighten this out together. I want to know the truth.. and the only way to get the truth is to get the two of them in the same room to discuss this with me. Maybe then I'll get some straight answers and then I can get the closure I need. Be it good news or bad news.. at least I'll know.. my mind could be at ease.

I mean, it's not like i lied about anything that went on between me and the other guy. I was absolutely, brutally truthful to everything that happened. Even when he didn't want to hear it. I expected him to change his mind about me, but thankfully, he didn't. So i will try not to get it to change my mind about him. I love Justyn. I just want answers. I want the truth. I want closure... that's all... closure....

I go crazy...

I can go home soon.. ya.. i wanna.. i actually wanna go home now.. geez.. do i.. i really do.. i'm exhausted.. i've been working non-stop since i got here.. again.. no time for anything..

Musicals are cool

I'm watching A Christmas Carol: The Musical... aww.. i wish the musicals we did were this cute! I wish we could do these kinda shows.. they are great. Awww...

My head hurts... my head always hurts... i think my whole coffee thing is back again.. i didn't have coffee today.. my head is killin!!! I need me a cup of coffee.. good gawd i need me the coffee...

I miss doing musicals... musicals are fun.. stressing.. but fun.. lots and lots of fun.. i miss singing.. doing this play is kinda boring.. i wanna sing... i miss learning music...

Rescue me.. and take me in your arms.. blah blah blah...

I really havve nothing to blog about. i don't really know what to say.. i have to pray.. cuz if everything goes according to plan then things can go well.. i really hope things go well.. i'm getting stressed out over it all... i really think that's what's goin on... it's all the stress about everything.. getting married.. finding the money to get married... religion.. and how we can get married with this mixed religion.. the money to get married... getting married within a reasonable timeframe... all the schooling we both have to go through... his schooling.. my schooling.. will i even be accepted.. if i'm not.. how much longer will it set me back.. it's killing me larry.. its reallly killing me.. i'm really stressed..

Lord, i need your guidance.. i need you to teach me to trust you.. and to trust in you ... teach me more patience... i believe in you.. you're working at a pace that is perfect for us.. please reassure me that everything will be okay.. i know you work in your own way.. please help me learn more patience... please help me calm down... help me trust in you more.. help me not question or rush you so much... Lord.. understand my situation.. understand how i am .. understand that i am learning more and more to trust the path you have sent me on.. i'm learning to accept the pace you've set my life in.. i'm just asking you to please let everything work out for the best... Amen.

I'm going crazy...

I must be nuts.. just cuz i'm bored and I have nothing better to do than blog... cuz that's what i do best..

Man, I feel like shit.. i don't feel like doing anything. I feel blah... i wanna crawl into bed and die.. just for tonight.. i'm not into anything.. i feel numb... i just wanna be alone in my room with my pillows and covers... bundled up in bed.. to sleep the rest of my life away...

Today i wanna be alone.. today I wanna die...

Lawdy, I sooo wanna die... forget everything.. the wedding.. everything.. i just wanna end my life today.. i really wanna die... i'm sick of my life...

Dilemma, dilemma...

So what do i do.. his sisters having a baby.. he wants me to be there.. i don't wanna be there.. yet i do wanna be there... i should be there.. but i shouldn't be there.. i feel really bad.. i don' t feel like going.. i'm scared.. i don't wanna go.. but i feel like i should go.. and i do kinda wanna go.. but i dunno!!! This is sooo hard.. i love him.. i really do.. i love him with everthing i am...

I just don't feel like i'm trying as hard as he is.. he's done soo much.. i haven't done half of what he's done... i'm not making the effort he is..

I feel selfish.. like i want him to try his hardest to work his way into my family.. yet i won't return the favor... i know that i have this problem yet i don't do anything to remedy it... i don't try.. i know i don't try.. and i still don't do anything to fix it..

Why do i have to do this.. he doesn't deserve someone like me...

hee he

Loneliness I thought
Was something in my past
He stepped into my life
And gave me a reason to live

But without him by my side
Emptyness onsumes me
The need to have him here
Becomes unbearable

I'm bloggin'...

I'm so damned fat! I'm gonna try on dresses tomorrow and i wont fit into any of them cuz i'm a lard ass! i cant wait to get married. But sometimes i feel like i'm doubting myself. Do i really wanna marry him or do i just wanna get married?? Do i really love him or do i just like being in love??

I doubt myself everytime he's not around. But then when i see him.. i realize how much i do love him and that mekes me feel better. it just scares me that i think these things when we arent together.

Its just weird how things turn out this way. i never in my wildest dreams thought that we would even end up together. i never even thought he was even relationship material. i was perfectly happy and content with it being a show fling and just never seeing him again after clue was done. i never thought that i would fall so deeply in love with him and actually marry him. its great.

but i'm still waiting for lifes downfall..... life never allows me to be this content....

Boyfriends...

Ultimate Survey (377 questions long)
Created by illusen and taken 7324 times on bzoink!
time started	10:28 am
full name	Justyn Derek Dodd
nickname(s)	B-Funk (bunny funk)
birthday	July 14, 1981
where were you born
zodiac sign	Cancer
height	5'10"
weight	145lbs
hair color	red
eye color	teal
shoe size	9 to 9 1/2
ring size	dunno...find out soon enough though
skin type (freckles, tan, albino, etc.)	white...w/ freckles
blood type	A/B positive...I think...or O
grade	not in a grade
GPA	3.0...usually...sometimes higher
siblings	I sister...Cristi
tattoos	yep...five...two on my back, two on my right leg, and one on my left
piercings	yep....10....five in my left ear, three in my right, my tongue and labret
hobbies	dance, choreography, ummm...plus too many others to mention right now
favorite
color	orange....YAY!!!!
food	pasta
candy	Sour Patch Kids and Gummi Bears! Now I'm hungry, thanks!
type of cheese	Extra sharp chedder...but Edam and Gouda are really good too.
pizza topping	cheese and pineapple...now I'm really hungry
salad dressing	bleu cheese
sandwich	umm...dunno
cereal	Raisin Bran....it's lovely
fruit	Banana...remember that cartoon with Banana Man?
vegetable	Cucumbers
berry	Cherry....great, now I'm starving...what's with all the food questions?
cake	don't like cake
book	Harry Potter series
movie	Labyrinth....Jennifer Conelly is hott
magazine	Dance...or Skin and Ink
newspaper	Press-enterprise...I guess
tv show	Family Guy....YAY!!!! It's lovely
website	myspace, homestarrunner, illwillpress
radio station	don't listen to the radio but right now...103.5 'cause they have Christmas music on now
font	dunno...never bothered to care
cartoon character	too many to mention...I'm a man who likes his cartoons
artist (painter)	I'll have to say Van Gogh...anyone who can cut off their own ear is cool...plus is stuff is really great
actor	Tim Curry, Cristopher Walken, Tom Hanks
actress	Angelina Jolie, Lindsay Lohan, Sandra Bullock
cd	don't have one...I like them all
song	"Whiter Shade of Pale"
music group	Billy Joel and David Bowie...cause he is the Piano Man and he is...David Bowie
music type	anything but rap, mariachi, and bluegrass
day of the week	Friday...'cause it's Disneyland day
month	October
season	Winter
holiday	Halloween...Marisa gots good par-tay's
shampoo	dunno...
conditioner	re: above answer
number	7...don't ask me why...'cause I don't know
phrase	"Oh geez, you got a booger on your butt"...and anything from Harry Carey
store	Hot Topic...I guess
weather	overcast, rainy
restaurant	the factories...Spaghetti and Cheesecake
channel	Comedy Central, Disney, Cartoon Network, Sci Fi, Food
teacher	was Mark Haines...until recently
weekend activity	going to Disneyland
hangout	Barnes and Noble...just kidding
house color	white-ish
sport to watch	don't like sports...unless you count gymnastics and figure skating
sport to play	none
animal	okay...normally I go into this whole classification thing...I'm not gonna do that now...you'll have to ask me
flower	Lily
guy's name	Taran, Daire, Deraj
girl's name	Kaela, Cassidy...not Jessilyn
board game	CLUE and Monopoly
party game	Cups
story from childhood	don't remember
body part	my...uh...left ear
have you ever
been on a train	yep
been on a plane	yep yep
been in a car accident	yep yep yep
caused a car accident	nope
run into a wall	nope nope
burned a potato chip	nope nope nope
almost burned the house down	nope nope nope nope
smoked	nope nope nope nope nope
been drunk	yep yep yep yep
been high	nope nope nope nope nope nope
broken the law	yep yep yep yep yep...but we won't go there
burned a cd (if yes, the one above is yes)	yep yep yep yep yep yep
kissed someone of the opposite sex	yep yep yep yep...ok...I'm tired of making more and more of "yep"'s
kissed someone of the same sex	nope
frenched an animal	uh...gross
made out	hee hee
had cyber sex	hee hee...no
gotten engaged	YEP!!!!
had an online relationship	nope
been rejected by a crush	yes...all the freakin' time
loved	yes
made yourself cry to get out of trouble	nope...can't cry
cried in public	re: above answer
cried over a movie	re: last two answers
fallen asleep in a movie theater	yes...during the Ring
given someone a bath	uh...nope
been to a boarding school	no
been home-schooled	no
lost a valuable item	yes
bungee jumped	no...but want to really badly
skied	no...weird, huh?
met the president	no...don't care to either
met a celebrity	yes...alot of them
gotten a cavity	once when i was a kid
shopped at abercrombie & fitch	no
made a prank call	years ago...wait no that was days...just kidding
skipped school	when I was in school
faked sick to get out of school	no
purchased something that you knew didn't fit	no...that's stupid
climbed a tree	all the time
fallen from a tree	all the time
broken a bone	my knuckle on my right pinky
sprained anything	ankle and wrist
passed out	yep
made yourself pass out	that's why i said yes to the last question
been to disney world	no...AND REALLY WANNA GO
been to a theme park (not disney)	yeah...Knott's, Magic Mountain...
said i love you and meant it (not to a relative)	yes
made a model volcano (working model)	no...I've led a deprived life
made a clover leaf with your tounge	huh?
past
what did you do yesterday	alot of stuff
memory you miss the most	working at Disneyland
memory you want to forget	why I'm not at Disneyland
something you regretted after it was done	re: above answer
the last
song you heard	a crappy rendition of "The Christmas Song" sung by the crappy Whitney Housten
cd you bought	Modest Mouse
thing you said	Modest Mouse
time you cried	can't remember....haven't you been reading?
movie seen in a theater	Team America...f*** yeah
thing you ate	Ice Cream...last night
person who called	Rachel...I love you
nail polish shade worn	black...don't be judging me
time you showered	yesterday
person who complimented you	Rachel...YAY!!!!
at this moment
what are you listening to	sound of the IM ding
what are you wearing	gray clothes and a sweater cuz it be cold...matey
what are you thinking	nothing...my mind is a blank
what are you scared of most	personal defromity and losing Rachel
how many people are on your buddy list	huh?
future
occupation	owner of my own dance company and choreographer for it
marriage site	trying to figure that out now
honeymoon	IRELAND!!!!!!!
place to live	IRELAND!!!!
kids	Taran Conner (boy) and Kaela Jade (girl)
car	jeep
what are you doing tomorrow	Having Thanksgiving....gross
do you think george bush will be reelected	he was
will there be a wwIII	who cares...it hasn't happened yet and I'll worry if I'm alive when it does happen
will politics ever be truthful	I doubt it
will humanity snuff itself out	probably
can the gov. be changed	probably not
friends
best friend	John Simunovich, Joe Impastato, and Rachel Viray...she's the most important one
funniest	Joe
silliest	ME!!!!
loudest	Rachel...sorry love
quietest	John
craziest	Marisa...I think...cuz she be crazy
calmest	John
skinniest	ME!!!
best secret keeper	all of them
worst secret keeper	none of them
the one you have but don't want	none of them
smartest	they are all smart
preppiest	none of them...thank god
peppiest	Rachel...she's full of pep
most hyper	Rachel...without a doubt...I love you
hottest	Rachel...oh yeah
weirdest	ME!!!!
biggest pervert	Joe...no contest
most annyoing	dunno
shyest	John
most religious	Johnny Mills
do you believe in
heaven	yes
hell	yes
angels	yes
devil	yes
god	oh yes
buddha	no
aliens	not really
ghosts	oh yeah
spirit (soul)	yes
soulmates	yes yes yes yes yes...cuz i found mine
reincarnation	no
love at first sight	very much
karma	kind of
love in general	yes
luck	dunno...luck o' the irish
yourself	sometimes
crush
who and when was your first crush	Sarah Kitchel in 4th grade
any now	no...engaged now
a celebrity crush	Angelina Jolie and Lindsay Lohan
who do you want to be with right now	Rachel
whos number do you want	no ones
who do you want to kiss	Rachel
what is something you dont understand about the opposite sex	almost everything
if you could go on a date with anybody, who would it be	Rachel...or the above celebrities
on scale of one to ten, how romantic are you	ten
first thing noticed about the opposite sex	their...uh...eyes
what do you look for personality-wise	nice, sensitive, caring, goal-oriented
biggest turn on	tenderness, love, cuddling, niceness...etc.
biggest turn off	smoking is the biggest one, rudeness, no ambition...etc.
something thay weat that turns you on	dunno...
something they wear that turns you off	dunno...
the most romantic thing you want to happen to you	it'll happen within a year
the most romantic thing that has happened to you	Rachel saying "yes"
what do you wear on a coffee date	clothes...duh!!!
is it right to flirt if you're taken	depends
is cyber cheating	don't know
are eyes the passegeway to the soul	yes?
who would you like to take to the prom	didn't go to prom and too old for prom
do you want to hug somebody right now	yes...Rachel
do you know what an aphrodisiac is	yes...hee hee
describe
mellow	yellow
melancholy	sad
the perfect date	anywhere as long as it's with Rachel
the perfect mate	rachel
how m&m's are made	chocolate made into a circle and a candy coating put on
why manhole covers are round	'cause they made them that way?
one or the other
coke/pepsi	coke...all the way, baby
sprite/7-up	either
boxers/briefs	boxers
gold/silver	silver
vanilla/chocolate	chocolate
flowers/candy	neither
book/magazine	book
tv/radio	Movies
glass half empty/half full	half full...you'll live longer
democrat/republican	Independent
colored pencils/markers	neither
coffee/tea	both
sun/moon	moon...hee hee I said "moon"
day/night	night owl right here
hot/cold	hot (water and shower)...cold (weather)
dog/cat	cats...but dogs are great too
button/zipper	zipper
cotton/feather pillow	either/or
blue/purple	orange
plumber/trashman	neither
jeans/shorts	deoends on if I want to show off my tattoos
long distance relationship/none	a normal relationship
mechanical/regular pencil	regular pencil
matt/ben	huh? oh, neither
that 70's show/simpsons	Simpsons
kelso/eric	neither
donna/jackie	Donna
bart/lisa	Bart
romeo/juliet	Juliet
romantic comedy/thriller	Thriller
nsync/bsb	neither
peanut butter/jelly	PB
waffles/pancakes	both...hmmm, German Pancakes
letter/email	e-mail
florida/california	Hawaii/Maine/Washington
pizza/burgers	pizza
hat/visor	neither
football/rugby	rugby
iceskating/blading	iceskating
movie at home/in theater	movie at home
first thing you think of when you hear
yellow	mellow
red lipstick	seductive
socks	wamr feet
cowtipping	how sad
moulin rouge	:::the show must go on:::
greenland	Ireland
iceland	Greenland
harry potter	YAY!!! HOGWARTS!!! YAY!!! DUMBLEDORE!!!!
red	Blood...hmmmm, blood
blackberry	ummm...boogers?
rose	cheeks
rooster	cock...hee hee
taxes	suck
bill clinton	BJ
whipped cream	bill clinton...just kidding
george w. bush	idiot
lollipops	yum
dreams	wet
love	Rachel
guys	me
south park	YAY!!!!
boy bands	Suck
pengiuns	I like Penguins
girls	rachel
thong	hee hee...:::let me see that thong:::
death	The only great adventure we have left
spoons	SPOON!!!!
junk mail	junk
dairy	milk does a body good
panties	hee hee
your father	he's cool
pizza	cheese with pineapple
britney spears	hot body...terrible voice
vitamin	C
are you
happy	yes
sad	no
religious	kind of
bitchy	no
crazy	oh yeah
messy	sometimes
mad	no
slacker	try not to be
nerd	sometimes
bookworm	sometimes
jock	HELL NO!!!!
preppy	HELL NO!!!!
selfish	try not to be
giving	yes
obsessive	about me...yes
violent	NO!!!
calm	yes
peaceful	yes
mellow	yes
eccentric	yes
caring	yes
untrustworthy	HELL NO!!!! you can always trust me
loyal	Yes
patriotic	no
perverted	sometimes...hee hee
colorful	yes
artistic	Very much so
miscellanoues
what color is your jacket	which one?
do you shave	yes
where	face and pits
what color is your razor	black
what size is your bed	umm...not sure
what color crayon would you be	ORANGE!!!!
what are the last four digits of you phone number	1641
feelings on abortion	hate it!!! unless it was rape
how lond does it take you to shower	depends
what does your screenname mean	that I'm a choreographer
thoughts on blonde pop stars in general	they're okay...sometimes
who so you trust the most	Rachel and John
is cussing a necessity in life	not really
how about coffee	YES!!!!
is the world screwed	if we continue to not care...yeah
what something you cant live without	Rachel
what time did you fall asleep	usually around 2
know what 69 means	yes
how about 143	umm...the number after 142?
can you live without a microwave	no
what do think about death	I'm ready...but preferable not yet
where and when do you want to be married	where? still deciding...when? a year from now
do you want to drop out of school	no
why is the sky blue	cuz of color refractions in light
what is a good trait about yourself	I'm completely genuine
what do you always think about	sex...just kidding...Rachel
what is wrong with your school	nothing
what is right with your school	nothing
how do you react to change	leader-y
do you talk to yourself	no...shut up you...hey, you can't talk to me like that...hee hee
what is your opinion on love	I love it
can you afford to lose weight	weight? no...fat? yes
what color would you dye your hair	already done it
best thing anyones told you	"yes"
what is your reaction to someone telling you you're hot	I'm speechless...what do you say to that?
does being psycho appeal to you	sort of
if you wrote a book, what would it be about	something fantasy
what would you change your name to	Deraj Reznik
longest crush lasted how long	don't know...currently the rest of my life
tme finished	11:41 am
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