What is this...

Okay.. so maybe today might be a tad bit better... hopefully... i'm bored.. theres nothing to do and i'm at work.. again.. like i always am...

In about two days... it'll be 2005... oh my goodness... where has all the time gone? A new year... already! Why is time moving so fast... sometimes i feel like the whole world is passing me by.. sometimes i feel like i can catch up.. sometimes i just sit and watch as it zooms past me... today.. i feel like i'm being dragged through it..

I start school on Tuesday... that means i must come here at the unGawdly hour of 6:30 am... so i can get eight hours and leave at 2:30... my class starts at 4 and ends at 7:50... hopefully the professor will be nice..

It's funny how life has all these lil twists and turns.. it's funny how you think you're following the path.. knowing exactly where it's headed.. then.. all of a sudden.. it takes this sharp turn... then another sharp turn... and you go from living single for the rest of your life.. content with workiing in a laboratory all day... to engaged to be married to this awesome guy and going back to school to become a biology teacher...

I mean.. seriously.. did anyone ever think i'd go this route.. okay.. maybe the whole engaged to be married thing.. but i didn't think i'd ever find anyone anymore.. i had given up on finding a guy to spend the rest of my life with... my luck had been so bad.. i didn't wanna try anymore...

But the whole teaching thing... didn't i used to say that i didn't have the patience to teach.. remember me as the dance captain.. tearing my hair out cuz the squad couldn't get what i was trying to teach... i thought then... i didn't have the patience to become a teacher.. i shouldn't even try... now look at me.. going back to school.. inspired to become this awesome biology teacher.. and i know i can do it..

Look how far i have gotten this year... i graduated college with my b.s. degree... i met the man that i'm gonna spend the rest of my life with (if God permits!).. and i'm going back to school to begin a career change.. all in the span of one year... just one year... one year that can absolutely change the rest of my life... funny...

Grrr...

Now.. at what exact moment did my life actually start sucking??? I mean.. here i am.. 24... doing what i love to do... loving a guy that is way too good for me.. and i thought i was happy.. and then... BAM.. i wake up.. and my life sucks... i mean.. seriously.. i was happy.. i swear to God.. i was happy.. i don't quite know when life turned the other direction.. but i guess i should have known it was coming.. it always does..

LIFE DOES NOT ALLOW RACHEL VIRAY HAPPINESS

The minute life sees me remotely happy.. or showing any glimmer of happiness.. life turns around and finds a way to make my life suck again.. and it's not like it's anything drastic.. it's the little things.. little things that build up into big things.. little things that grow and fester in my psyche... turning into big things that affect my happiness and make my life a living hell.. that's what i does.. that's what it is..

Why... why... why,... i ask myself this ALL THE TIME.. why????

And i still have no answer.....

I am in a bloggy mood!

I've been blogging all day... nonstop.. cuz i'm bored.. there is nothing left to do here.. i'm officially done.. yay.. i can go home...

I'm jealous...

I'm jealous of the people that can give meaningful and insightful blogs... those that blog with purpose and meaning... those.. unlike me.. that don't live their lives randomly and don't have the randomness flowing through their head.. they have purpose.. they have focus.. and it shows in their blogs... i'm officially jealous...

Christmas eve.. what what!!

So the last time I left a blog here was on the 20th.. that is a long time in my world.. i usually blog everyday or every other day.. what's up with that.. well.. for starters.. i've been uber-busy.. and uber-sick...

I'm getting over the sick.. actually i feel like i've slightly relapsed.. i was out in the gawd-awful winds yesterday when i should have rested more.. but we needed to finish off the christmas shopping.. which we finally finished wrapping about half an hour ago.. now we can rest.. sorta.. cuz now i have to start getting ready for tonights xmas eve shindig at my aunts house... the one that we do every year.... now i get to share it with Justyn...

Tomorrow I get to share Justyn's xmas day shindigs with his family.. yup.. i'm gonna be there.. it kinda goes with the whole engaged territory.. splitting holidays.. yup.. that's how it usually goes.. which i don't really have a problem with... i'm kinda looking forward to it.. it's just that i wish i wasn't all that sick... you know what i mean...

So.. let's see.. over the past few days.. i got admitted into Cal Poly Pomona as a post-baccalaureate student.. i enrollled in the two classes i need as pre-reqs into the program.. and i payed a grand in tuition.. a highly eventful week if i say so myself...

Also.. Justyn has made his mind about going to school and if God permits.. he'll be starting on the 10th of January.. he'll be done by September and six months after September is... Oct, Nov, Dec, jan, Feb, Mar...March.. he'll have to start paying off the student loans in March.. wait.. and then he expects us to get married in April.. hold up! No.. way.. that's not gonna happen.. I told him August.. that's good enough.. ya.. give me lotsa time to plan also...

I'm a lil scared about us starting school and all.. new people.. new experiences.. juggling time.. juggling a relationship and schooling.. scared much... but i do have faith in us.. although he doesn't seem to think i do.. and i do think we can work it out... i just get scared.. i'm allowed to get scared... it keeps me on my toes...

Argh.. i'm getting sick...

Oh.. this sooo sucks.. I hate this time of the year. I finally got sick. I've been waiting for it. It's here... five days before Christmas. That sucks even more!

The platters are coming along fine. We are almost done... we just need about four more.. we got two out last night. One that goes to Genette and one that goes to Justyn's family from my family. So it's all good.. we are making good time. The one for Helica should be out tomorrow and we can probably do the neighbors. The individual ones are done. I just need to make a couple of snowmen for Joanna's and then that one is good to go... i just need to make arrangements to give it to her. I need to email her and that's what I'll probably do next.

Oh shoot.. i need to do that stupid price guide for those people at Greiner.. darn.. ya.. lemme email miss joanna first and then do that stupid price thingy.. grr.. i hate work!

"I heard someone crying.."

Hee hee.. i'm listening to the Secret Garden CD.. i missed it.. Justyn's had it for awhile.. he was listening to it.. but i missed it.. I'll give it back when i get tired of it.. even though it's mine.. hmmm!!!

".. when a think is wick.. it has a light about it.." hee hee.. i love the music to this show... it's the best music.. it's one of my favorite shows... the music.. at least...

Anyway... uh.. so.. uh..

FRIENDS is the greatest show ever.. i've been the biggest dork and have been reading the transcribed scripts to the episodes.. cuz i have nothing better to do.. ya.. well.. i'm almost done with the first season.. so ya.. and the scary thing is I can hear and picture the scenes as i am reading... i know i'm a FRIENDS junkie..

I'm sleepy and i don't wanna be here.. i'm at work.. i hate being here.. i love the work i do.. i hate the workplace.. grr... grr....

Mysterious

The Lord works in mysterious ways...

So i'm still trying to figure out why certain things have happened in my life and what good they've given me. I don't know.. i'm in contemplative mood right now...

I mean, i've done a lot of stuff in my life.. a lot of stuff... stuff i should be regretting as i look back on my life right now.. okay.. so maybe not a lot.. but i've done stuff i should regret... but i don't.. i don't regret anything.. I guess it's cuz it's made me the person I am today.. i've learned from those experiences and it molded me into the person i've become...

But what good has it done to my life?? I mean.. look at me.. overall.. ya.. i'm happy.. but at the same time..i don't know.. it just seems i have a hard time excepting things that are good that come into my life..

Have those experiences calloused me? Is that the mysterious way in which the Lord works... to harden me and to make me cynical to things that can be absolutely amazing???

Have all the hurt and all the not-so-wise decisions taken a toll on my conscience right now?? Why am i being so contemplative??? This is starting to get deep...

So... maybe I have made those not-so-wise decisions.. i don't regret them.. because at the time.. it was fun.. it was something I wanted to do.. it was my conscious decision to make... but is it coming back to bite me in the ass... are the internal consequences my punishment??

So.. maybe I've gotten hurt in the past.. is that justification for me to be calloused and cynical when others have gotten hurt and yet they just get back on that horse and ride like nothing happened. I know i'm smarter and wiser because of all the past pain and experiences.. but does being wiser and smarter mean more hesitant and hardened??

Wow.. thoughts to think about...

How do these mysterious ways benefit my life?? Are they supposed to benefit?? Or are they just supposed to be there???

The longest...

This is the longest I have gone without a pediucure! I know.. it's totally random.. but it just goes to show you the lack of time i have and the fact that i really want to save money. That is amazing.

I feel so bad for Justyn. But at the same time, it's what he needs. It;s the way life is gonna be. He's out gettin the money. I'm dealing with family stuff. He wants to go with us to my mothers birthday dinner. But he's working. I'm sorry for him. I want him to be there. I miss him when he's not around. It's wierd. I don't usually miss the guys i'm with but i miss him.

Everything seems different with him. I miss him when he's not here. He's the only one that has given me the butterflies in my stomach when ever we kiss or whenever he holds me. Just thinking about him sometimes gives me those butterflies. It used to happen a lot more in the beginning but it still happens somtimes. I see my future in his eyes. I see with him growing old. I see us taking care of a family. I see us. That has not happened before. I forced it to happen with some guys because I thought that they were my only shot at marriage and family life. I was wrong.. thank the Lord.. i was wrong!

Anyway.. i need a pedicure.. pronto!

Yay.. i can blog in here!

I wasn't able to blog in here earlier.. something about an internal error or some junk.. but it's all good now.. and now i can blog.. about what?? i have no idea.. actually i was thinking of just going home.. cuz i have nothing else to do.. so ya.. maybe i should just go home...

it's 3:30-ish... i'm sleepy.. i took a 10 minute nap.. hee hee.. sleeping on the job..

well.. till tomorrow.. or maybe later!

I hate it here!

I hate it here at my job.. i really do.. it's stupid and it's pointless and it's dead-ended and I wanna leave... i wanna get outta here.. i wanna do something else.. i wish that everything could work out and that i could go to school next quarter to begin working on becoming a teacher...

I'm so f---ing fed up with this retarded place.. i wish that i could leave.. i wish that it all works out.. i want out sooo bad...

I can't stand the people here.. i can't stand anyone.. i just do my work and go.. i don't even socialize with them anymore.. i just do my work and go... yup.. do my work and go..

It's only 11:17?!?!?!

Geez... time is slow today. I'm on a self-proclaimed lunch break. I ate my lunch and I am good to go. I am ready to blog.

:::awkward silence:::

So.. uh.. what should i blog about? I am extremely bored. What is new? I mean, seriously.. with as busy as my schedule is... i get bored a lot. That is not good at all. I should always be pre-occupied. I shouldn't be bored. But, alas, I am. I need another life. A life with more money so that I can do the things I really want to do. I thought I had a lot of money. But then weddings happen.. at least planning weddings happen. And then all of a sudden.. i have no money.. or i don't have enough money. There is soo much stuff I want to do.. but not enough money to do it. Grrr...

That is my complaint for the day!

The end!

I like me the surveys!

What is__

1) your name? Rachel
2) your birth date? September 27
3) your favorite song? Gosh.. so many.. as of now it’s “now that I have you” sung by Erik Santos and Sheryn Regis
4) your favorite band? Hmmm… well.. there’s New Found Glory, Low Millions, Maroon 5, INCUBUS..
5) love? You’re asking me what love is… love is Justyn.. awww…
6) your middle name? Depends… sometimes its Marie.. but technically it’s Tadena.. just depends on what I state my name is…
7) your pets name? Alas.. I have no pets.. sigh…
8) your nick name? Oh geez.. do I have to list them all? Nah.. I’m too lazy…
9) your favorite ice cream topping? Hot fudge… oh ya.. mmm.. chocolate..
10) your favorite movie? Hmmm… Sound of Music.. Splendor in the Grass.. A StreetCar Named Desire.. My Best Friends’ Wedding.. Office Space.. Mommie Dearest.. My Fair Lady.. The King and I.. A Walk To Remember.. CenterStage.. to name a few….

Do you__

1) have any brothers or sisters? Yup.. a brotha
2) drink a lot of soda? Not usually.. I drink a lot of coffee and water
3) go to the mall a lot? I practically live at the mall… when I’m not at work…
5) have a boy friend / girl friend? I did.. then we upgraded our status to fiance and fiance… lol…
4) have a crush / like anyone? I did have a crush on him before we got together…
5) like going to school? I miss school… I never thought I’d see the day that I would actually say that… so if God permits.. I might be going back…
6) play any sports? I’ll watch some sports… like basketball…
7) take showers daily? Um.. of course!
8) have any imaginary friends? I did.. Casper, Spooky, and Paper Teacher.. I was an ecclectic child…
9) miss anyone? I miss Justyn when he’s not with me
10) download music? Legally on iTunes… $.99 a song.. dude.. it sooo adds up!

Are you__

1) gay / bi / straight? I am straight…
2) wierd? Justyn says I am.. but then again, life would be boring if I wasn’t weird…
3) a dork? Oh ya!
4) bored? Usually… unless I’m with justyn
5) wishing you could be with someone else? I always wish I could be with Justyn.. cuz then I won’t be bored all the time!
6) doing anything tommorow? I’ve got a pick-up rehearsal…
7) hungry? Not at the moment.. shocked?
8) thinking of anyone special? I always am!
9) tired? No.. cuz the coffee kicked in… finally
10) cool? I don’t know.. I’d like to think I am…

Have you__

1) gotten drunk? Ya.. and I hate it.. tipsy is fun.. drunk sucks..
2) had sex? Next question please..
3) ditched class? That is what college life is all about!
4) stolen anything? Pinto beans… I was 6!
5) ever wanted to kill some one? Does myself count?
6) ran away from home? No.. cuz I never had anywhere to go..
7) started a fight? With boyfriends… that was when I was in high school!
8) been in a fight? With boyfriends…
9) watched porn? Hee hee.. that one time… Leo remembers… good times..
10) talked back to your parents? Who doesn’t?
11) been ice skating? Nope.. but I might go on the 27th and make a fool of myself…
12) been golfing? Mini-golfing… but I wouldn’t mind trying golf.. I’m not much of a swinger though.. I’d probably suck…
13) destroyed someone elses house? NO!
14) gone to jail? No, thank God.
15) been suspended? Nope.. I’m proud to say that I was never suspended or given detention.

would you__

1) get married? I am getting married.. soon.. please God.. soon!
2) have children? I want 2.. ideally a boy and a girl..
3) sneak out at night? Sure.. if I was brave enough
4) die for one or more of your friends? Ya.. I would
5) steal candy from a kid? Now that’s wrong!
6) hurt someone? I’ve been hurt.. and I’m sure I’ve hurt someone in the past too…
7) spend more than 50 dollars on pants? I try not to.. but if they are cute.. I can’t resist!
8) take drugs? Just the legal kind
9) go skydiving? No thank you!
10) ride a fast roller coaster? Ooh.. I like roller coasters!

last time__

1) cryed? Last Friday night.. but we won’t go there…
2) got your heart broken? Yup… ya.. moving on…
3) broke someone elses heart? I don’t know… I might have.. but I don’t think he cared all that much…
4) listened to music? I’m listening to music right now!
5) were on the phone? Last night when justyn called to say he was home.
6) bought food? Um.. last Saturday.. the Jack in the B-fish…
7) bought a CD? I think when Eminem’s CD came out…
8) got in a fight? It wasn’t a major fight.. but we were both upset… uh.. last Thursday???
9) got yelled at? When am I not yelled at?
10) missed someone? All the time.. I miss Justyn right now!

Favorite__

1) movie? Um.. look up at the top.. there’s a lengthy list up there…
2) drink? Hmmm.. anything coffee related…
3) song? Didn’t I answer these up at the top?
4) band? Ya.. I’m pretty sure I answered these up top…
5) friend? Hmm.. theres Justyn.. of course.. and my b-techers.. and my high school posse… I don’t have favorites.. except for Justyn…
6) beer? I can handle San Miguel (filipino) and those really light beers at the Yardhouse.
7) food? Hmm.. anything chocolate…
8) magazine? Cosmo and Yoga Journal
9) book? Hmm.. The Davinci Code is awesome.. there’s the Ya-Ya Sisterhood books.. I still love the Rapture of Canaan from high school..
10) color? Pinkie

Wish__

1) you could go? To Vegas.. I’m having withdrawls…
2) you could eat? A carne asada quesadilla from Durangos… ya.. I’m still craving it!
3) you had? More free time…
4) you were? A super star!
5) you could be with? Oh.. that’s easy.. with Justyn
6) you didnt? Have to be so full of issues…
7) you would have? Worked at a Starbucks…
8) someone would? Give me money and lots of it!
9) fly to? Anywhere…
10) walk to? I don’t walk.. I drive everywhere…

3__

1) 3 things infront of you? My laptop.. a printer.. a lab book
2) 3 things you want to do? Be with Justyn, sing, sleep… in that order!
3) 3 last songs listened to? Huwag Kang Mawawala, Magpakailanpaman, Sa Piling Mo.. I’m listening to filipino music… Regine Velasquez and Ogie Alcasid.. oh ya…
4) 3 last things you drank? Coffee.. water.. and water…
5) 3 last people who talked to you? Justyn.. the guy at the coffee shop.. wondu..
6) 3 last foods you ate? Dinner from last night.. Lunch from yesterday.. and cinamon twisties yesterday morning.. I haven’t eaten today yet… so it’s all from yesterday…
7) 3 last t.v. shows you watched? Oh geez.. I don’t even know!
8) 3 last people who IMed you / you IMed? Let’s see… Justyn.. Disney.. and some dude from myspace that I haven’t spoken to in forever.. but we didn’t talk for very long..
9) 3 closest friends? Justyn, Joanna (even though I hardly see/hear from her cuz we are both so busy), my cousins (I know it’s more than one person. Oh well)
10) 3 funny people? Justyn.. and all my friends.. I can’t narrow it down to three…

other__

1) what are you going to do next? Some sorta work-related activity…
2) who are you going to call? BD biosciences..
3) who do you want to see? Justyn.. and Zachary and Emma and Josh
4) where do you want to be? Anywhere but here…
5) where do you want to eat? Durangos… mmm…
6) movie you want to see? The Incredibles.. the new Bridget Jones..
7) cd you want to buy? Team America Soundtrack
8) when are you going to sleep? Tonight.. or early tomorrow morning..
9) when will you wake up? Early tomorrow morning…
10) do you wish this survey was longer? No.. it was long enough.

My, my, my...

I'm all sad and stuff. This sucks that Justyn can't go with us to Knotts. I really wanted him to go. I wanted him to bond with my ZZ and stuff. I wanted to have fun. It was gonna be cute. ZZ was gonna look like our lil baby boy.

But we need money... and any money is good money. And if he has to work, then he has to work. It will pay off in the end cuz we'd be able to spend the rest of our lives together. These are just little sacrifices that we have to make right now. Hopefully they do pay off in the end.

Gosh.. money is the root of all evil. Money makes me feel so discouraged about the whole wedding. It's like, i dont even wanna get married anymore if money is gonna be such a dang issue! It's frustrating.. i hate money. But i need money.. it's a love/hate relationship. and that sucks.

MMM... carne asada quesadilla from durangos... mmm... sounds soo dang good right now...

I wish my blogs get noticed...

I wish I were talented enough of a writer to get my blogs noticed by reader people.

That would be uber-cool and then i'd be able to see my name on the front page of the blogger dashboard thing. I wonder if people even read my blog here?

Oh well.. it's not like it's all that interesting.. it's really not.. there really isn't much interesting that goes on in my life anyway.. this is a blog about nothing.. the whole weblog is blog about nothing.. kinda like the seinfeld of blogs.. ya. that's what this is.. the seinfeld of blogs.. i like that.. ooh.. i should rename my blog.. 'the seinfeld of blogs'...

Ya.. so, as usual.. i'm officially bored...

I need to sing.. i'm having singing withdrawls.. doing a straight play is no fun.. there is no singing.. i like singing.. so now that i'm stage managing the youth show.. i thinks that i'ms gonna learn the songs and sing with the kiddies.. that'll be fun.. ya.. give me something to do.. i'll be singing.. yay...

Garsh.. i wanna go home now.. there is nothing left to do... sigh...

Re-organizing my.. huh???

Ya.. so i had no point to that subject title.. i'm bored and waiting for the time to go to the stupid theater to go to the stupid show... I'm sooo not into the whole 'a christmas story'... i'm sooo not into the whole 'catch pneumonia' cold of the theater... so ya.. i don' t wanna be there tonight.. but i guess it's okay cuz it'll get me outta the house.. i'll be able to go out and do stuff.. so yay!

Grrr... ten more minutes then i have to go.. ten minutes.. ten minutes... ten minutes... grrr... i wanna go now.. i wanna get outta here.. but i'd rather not go to the theater.. i just don't wanna freeze to friggin death.. freeze.. freeze.. freeze.. freeze...

It's just not healthy to be in that freezing environment..

Random...

Bored..

Oh.. geez.. i'm sleepy.. i wanna go to sleep... i just wanna sleep... can i skip out on the show and just go to sleep?? Ya.. that sounds good... sleep is a good thing.. yes..

Gawd dammit... maybe i wanna just curl in a ball and die... curl in a ball and sleep... or both.. which ever... dude... not much time is passing.. good gawd.. time goes by slow.. why is it going by slow.. it's supposed to go by fast... fast,.. time is supposed to fly.. why isn't the time flying...

Can people shut up??? People are sooo damn talkative... some people are so fawking retarded... so damn loud.. maybe i wanna die.. maybe it'll be a nice departure.. maybe it'll be nice to finally get away.. i'm soo done with life now... i'm sooo done with everything... ya.. let's do that.. let's just drive off the friggin' cliff... cuz some people watch too many fawking soap operas and made-for-tv movies... what the helks make these people experts.. huh?? huh?? huh?? Who made these people experts.. experts on my damn life?? it's MY LIFE.. no one says it was someone else... MY LIFE... MY LIFE... not hers, not his.. not anyone elses.. but MINE.. so shut up.. leave me alone.. let me do what the hell i want.. it's my damn damn damn damn life.. mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine... no one elses.. i don't care... shit.. dude...

Driving me fawking crazy.. fawking crazy.. fawking fawking fawking crazy.. dude.. i sooo don't care anymore... what ever is gonna happen to me.. is gonna fawking happen to me.. this is the downfall i've been waiting for.. the thing that life gives me that shoots down my happiness.. it always happens.. so i'm taking it.. i'm just gonna take it.. that's all.. if i die.. then i die.. i don't even care anymore... this is my life.. this is what happens.. i don't care...

Life hates me.. remember.. it gives me happiness then it takes it away.. it gives me hope that my life will be better.. then it gives me something else to fawking worry about to shoot down any hope of a completely happy life.. so ya.. i'm used to this..

Fawk Fawk Fawk!!!

Get me outta here.. please...

Here I am.. at work.. the end of the day.. the boss is gone now.. so i've got two choices... leave now and lose two hours of work... or stay and do some cleaning up so that I still have those hours...

I think I'm gonna stay... i'm gonna veg out till about three and then i will clean up til about three thirty.. ya.. that would be good.. that would be fun.. ya.. right..

So it's opening weekend... yay.. the sooner we start the sooner we'll be done! Good times... so the show starts at 8:00pm and then it's a long-ass show... so that's gonna suck.. i liked CLUE cuz it was short and sweet with no intermission.. so that was good.. good and short.. but CLUE was the last show that I wanted to be short and sweet and with no intermission.. i wanted it to be long with an intermission so that i had time backstage with Justyn.. and this was even before we got together.. uh huh!

Hmmm... i've got some free time.. i should call Knotts Berry Farm to ask the wedding reception rates.. how cute would that be to have the wedding reception at the place we first got together. How sweet.. how sentimental.. how cute.. aww.. i'm so swooning by myself.. awww...

There really isn't much to talk about or to do.. i'm sleepy... maybe i should just chill..

CBEST is tomorrow.. officially scared... OMG!

Oh gosh.. get me outta here..

Here I am.. at work.. the end of the day.. the boss is gone now.. so i've got two choices... leave now and lose two hours of work... or stay and do some cleaning up so that I still have those hours...

I think I'm gonna stay... i'm gonna veg out till about three and then i will clean up til about three thirty.. ya.. that would be good.. that would be fun.. ya.. right..

So it's opening weekend... yay.. the sooner we start the sooner we'll be done! Good times... so the show starts at 8:00pm and then it's a long-ass show... so that's gonna suck.. i liked CLUE cuz it was short and sweet with no intermission.. so that was good.. good and short.. but CLUE was the last show that I wanted to be short and sweet and with no intermission.. i wanted it to be long with an intermission so that i had time backstage with Justyn.. and this was even before we got together.. uh huh!

Hmmm... i've got some free time.. i should call Knotts Berry Farm to ask the wedding reception rates.. how cute would that be to have the wedding reception at the place we first got together. How sweet.. how sentimental.. how cute.. aww.. i'm so swooning by myself.. awww...

There really isn't much to talk about or to do.. i'm sleepy... maybe i should just chill..

CBEST is tomorrow.. officially scared... OMG!

Oh gosh.. get me outta here..

Here I am.. at work.. the end of the day.. the boss is gone now.. so i've got two choices... leave now and lose two hours of work... or stay and do some cleaning up so that I still have those hours...

I think I'm gonna stay... i'm gonna veg out till about three and then i will clean up til about three thirty.. ya.. that would be good.. that would be fun.. ya.. right..

So it's opening weekend... yay.. the sooner we start the sooner we'll be done! Good times... so the show starts at 8:00pm and then it's a long-ass show... so that's gonna suck.. i liked CLUE cuz it was short and sweet with no intermission.. so that was good.. good and short.. but CLUE was the last show that I wanted to be short and sweet and with no intermission.. i wanted it to be long with an intermission so that i had time backstage with Justyn.. and this was even before we got together.. uh huh!

Hmmm... i've got some free time.. i should call Knotts Berry Farm to ask the wedding reception rates.. how cute would that be to have the wedding reception at the place we first got together. How sweet.. how sentimental.. how cute.. aww.. i'm so swooning by myself.. awww...

There really isn't much to talk about or to do.. i'm sleepy... maybe i should just chill..

CBEST is tomorrow.. officially scared... OMG!

Extreme boredom... bleck...

Well.. there is nothing to do anymore.. i have nothing to do anymore.. i'm just waiting for my boss to say the word and then i'm gonna go and bring him to his kids school and i guess to his home and then i can skaddadle on my way home.. i get to rest.. i'll study for the CBEST.. yay..

So i haven't heard from Justyn at all today.. wow.. no texts, no nothing.. wow.. that's wierd.. i'm used to hearing from him at least once in the morning.. well.. i'm not gonna text him first.. i'll let him do it.. i usually do it if he doesn't answer.. but i won't do it this time.. i'll be strong.. i'm gonna see who will give in first.. and i'm determined not to give in.. i swear.. but i can bombard his myspace profile.. nah...i won't.. i'll be strong.. i'll just blog..

This is my second blog on this site.. i think i've blogged twice on each of my blog sites.. i should add another blog site to my repretoire.. nah.. this is enough to keep up with...

Tomorrow is FRIDAY.. yay. i can't wait. that's exciting.. oh it looks like i'm gonna go.. i hear keys rattling...

Closure would be nice...

It's our 2 month anniversary.. it's our 1 month engagement anniversary... one month of no-planning planning.. that went by quickly.. especially after we really told our parents.. it flew.. next thing you know.. we'll have to start checking out venues and stuff.. that's exciting.. but scary at the same time...

I'm sooo depressed... Joy took me outta her FRIENDSTER account. She removed me as a friend! How friggin' sad! I mean, i had an idea that she would do that eventually.. but when she finally did.. wow.. did it hurt! I mean.. she said she wasn't mad at me cuz she said i didn't know anything.. which is true.. i had no idea.. but did that also mean that she wanted me to stop seeing justyn? Cuz that was not part of the plan. I was going to continue seeing him. I was already falling for him then. I felt very deeply for him by that point. And according to them nothing absolutely major happened to them. But still..

It still bothers me. The fact that they were kinda seeing each other. I don't think I really ever blogged about it. I mean.. i guess it wouldn't bother me if their stories matched. Their stories aren't the same. She's telling me one thing and he's telling me the other.. who do i believe? My friend that i've known for about 2 years and has no reason to really lie to me, or the guy that i've just started seeing that does have a reason to lie to me cuz he wants me to not stop seeing him. I want to believe him. I want to trust him fully. But why would their stories not match?? Whos telling the truth?? Who's lying to me?? Is anyone leaving something out that I should know?? Why did it have to get complicated so soon in the relationship??

I know i don't usually regret anything in life. Because all of life's experiences shape and mold the person i have become today. But this whole 'joy' thing has made me regret not doing the show. It made me regret convincing her to do the show! It was all my fault that this came about because i seriously bugged the crap outta her to do the damn show. And then this happened. I should have stayed in the show. I should have done the damn show. This whole situation would have been avoided because I would have made it a point that he were with me. She wouldn't have had a chance to be close to him like that! Then I wouldn't be feeling such reservations and hesitation to fully put myself into the relationship.

I have put so much of myself into this relationship. More than I ever thought that I could allow myself to do. But I still don't feel like i'm fully 100% into the relationship because I still haven't gotten any closure to the whole situation. There are loose ends that I want tied. I want closure to it.. but the only way to do that is to have them talk to each other! And i know that will never happen. I want to be there to see them straighten this out together. I want to know the truth.. and the only way to get the truth is to get the two of them in the same room to discuss this with me. Maybe then I'll get some straight answers and then I can get the closure I need. Be it good news or bad news.. at least I'll know.. my mind could be at ease.

I mean, it's not like i lied about anything that went on between me and the other guy. I was absolutely, brutally truthful to everything that happened. Even when he didn't want to hear it. I expected him to change his mind about me, but thankfully, he didn't. So i will try not to get it to change my mind about him. I love Justyn. I just want answers. I want the truth. I want closure... that's all... closure....