Whoa...

So.. I took leaving work harder than I thought. I thought I could easily walk away.. but I spent almost two and a half years there... and I feel like I just went through a wierd break up..

You know.. those kinds where you know.. he isn't going to call you anymore.. and that you won't be seeing each other all the time anymore.. the ones that you know will disappear from you forever..

Sad..

I should be headed off somewhere better.. that's what he's telling me.. that i'm going off to a place where i have many opportunities to grow and learn.. and I will take advantage of that.. I will.. i'm so glad that i didn't have to go through the struggle of find a new job.. for that.. i'm forever greatful..

So begins the next chapter of my life..

Dun.. dun.. dun..

Hey.. what a way to spend a day...

Sunday...

I have another criticizing question about my beloved friends nuptuals... and all the pre-nuptual shin-digging we are about to all partake in..

Why.. oh why.. does she insist on having everything done on a Sunday?!

You know.. I'm the only religious one of the bridesmaids.. and sunday means something to me... but.. alas.. i'm outnumbered by the non-practicing religious people.. so sunday is just another day for them for parties...

At least its' not going to screw up my scheduling.. i hope..

I have church.. so i will go to church before i go to their shin-diggage..

Anyway.. that's pretty much the only thing I have goin' today.. maybe I'll go home and finally get my taxes done.. and that other half of laundry that's sitting in the garage..

There are things that need to be done.. and by golly.. i'll do them!

Spurts of creativity..

World comes crashing down
Open and empty surrounding me
No one to turn to now
And I look up.. and you're all I see

You hold your hand in front of me
I reach out to touch you
Peaceful and calm I become
In me I know the truth

Since when has life been so frustrating..

I would love to enumerate all the good and bad things in my life.. to show myself that there are much more good than there are bad.. and I know that there are much more good.. but it's really hard for me to enumerate the bad right now.. i'm just frustrated.. frustrated with life.. but i know that i shouldn't be.. because there really isn't anything i can do right now to make things better or go my way..

i have three words to say about all this that i'm feeling right now..

I HATE PMS

Friday.. early.. early.. early.. morning..

It's Friday.. normally.. I'd be ecstatic.. but it's almost 2am.. and I'm sitting here.. sleepless..

Sleepless in Fontana.. ya.. right.. whatever..

I'm typing with ny eyes closed hoping to do some multitasking.. sleeping and blogging.. cuz my mind is fully awake.. but my body is physically asleep.. not really.. but it woudllike to be..

Sometimes I feel like I literally don't know what to do with the situation I'm in.. but then I think of the big picture.. of how much I do loe him and how much I do believe that things can work out.. and how much I am willing to see things work out.. and it's like.. ok.. but when you look at now.. and the current.. it really does tend to seem like a hopeless cause..

I mean.. everyone else sees it..

And I'm sure we see it to.. but we just don't believe it..

And maybe that's what matters the most..

It's late.. er.. early.. i can't tell.. but I need to sleep..

Just when I thought..

Just when I thought that I couldn't get outta this "mad at life" look I've had for the past few days.. I go over to Justyn's house.. and well.. I feel better.. I really do.. I mean.. we didn't do anything extra-ordinary.. we went rollerblading.. and we had fun.. and he took care of me.. physically took care of me..

I mean.. he takes care of me.. all the time.. I know he does..

But him.. holding my hand.. making sure I don't go flying off.. holding me tight..

I know.. that I want him to take care of me like that for the rest of my life..

Yes.. i am back..

Ok.. so I'm back to the blogging..

I will try to blog more regularly..

I just downloaded the soundtrack to Jonathan Larson's "Tick, tick.. Boom!" and it's actually pretty good.. it's the pre-cursor to RENT.. so.. there's a lot of it that sounds like RENT.. but not really.. but you can tell the similarities.. so.. ya..

But it is actually pretty good on its own.. I had to read the synopsis in order to understand the context of the songs.. but that was the complaint that a lot of the people that reviewed the soundtrack said.. and so i downloaded it knowing that the show would be difficult to follow.. but the songs were good.. and i agree..

I think it's that Live365 that was screwing up my computer in the first place.. so no more Live365 for me.. at least not on this computer.. cuz i don't want to go through it again..

So.. on blogcharm.. i had posted an entry about the reason's i thought that it seemed that justyn learned more from blogs than directly from me.. I got a mixed comment.. well.. two comments.. one said that it was ok.. the other said it wasn't ok.. so.. i don't know..

If you want to read it.. copy and paste this.. www.blogcharm.com/artsyviray

Read it.. and comment if you want.. i'd like to know what you think..

Ok..

Thank God it's Friday!

I get to go home from work and sleep.. and I plan on doing so too.. finally.. the weekend.. finally..

It's morning right now.. and i"m on my dad's computer.. I'm too lazy to get ready for work.. but I know I have to.. so.. I will in a second.

I swear.. it's weird.. to have so many things on my mind.. and to have them build up.. because I can't blog about them.. and then when the time comes to blog.. it's like.. I can't think of anything.. I don't know if i really like that feeling.. it doesn't leave me very interesting or long blog entries.. so.. whatever..

Justyn and I finally reached our 17 month.. i honestly didn't think we'd get here.. but i'm glad we did.. it's honestly been such a struggle in my head.. just trying to find some safety and some peace.. i'm a little better than i was earlier this week.. i'm healing.. but it doesn't stop the fears.. but they are easily quenched right now.. and i hope they continue to be..

I know he loves me.. and it's getting me by.. i'm learning to not let my own fears get in the way of what i know is true.. it's just that i have to keep repeating things over and over in my mind.. just so that i can calm myself down..

I know that won't last for long.. but it's getting quite annoying.. hee hee..

Blogging.. in the middle of the night..

So.. i'm sitting in my room on my dad's laptop.. much better than sitting at the computer table in the living room.. maybe it's more quiet.. but i feel much better blogging this way than in the other room.. still kinda wierd to be doing so on someone else's computer.. but it's better than the clanging of the desktops keyboard..

I know.. I'm weird like that..

Sometimes.. I honestly wish I could say that I'm 100% back to normal.. but.. i just can't.. i feel like my body.. mind.. and spirit are still recovering.. my emotional being is still so tired from all that went on.. i mean.. it is getting better.. i usually recover quicker from thiss.. but this time.. man.. it's really left me in pieces..

My friend's merged myspace profiles with their boyfriends... I can't even imagine doing that right now.. plus.. it made me realize how much he and i have such different lives apart from each other.. i mean.. we'd like to do as many things together as we can.. but.. we really have different lives.. we still haven't merged yet.. after almost a year and a half.. we haven't merged.. not yet.. we have too many things that are separate..

And a lot of things we are still not ready to connect.. like.. myspace pages..

Too much of our lives is still separate.. even thought we want a lot of it to be together..

Will it ever change.. that's something we'll have to wait and see.. I'd like to see it change.. and maybe that's the next thing we can work on.. hopefully..