How'd I end up here?

My other computer is busy.. the office computer is busy searching for stuff... and i have to pee.. the drowning therapy is back in effect and i've so far had two glasses of water and my bladder is crying! Okay.. i'm back.. but i forgot to pee.. oh well..

Sometimes I wish I had a new life.. i wish I have the guts to just pack up my stuff and go.. i wish I didn't feel guilty about leaving everything behind.. I wish I had the guts to tell some people that I'm gonna live my life the way I want to and if I make mistakes then it's my fault.. I wish that they'd understand my need for independence.. I wish they'd understand that I do have my own life and so far.. i haven't screwed it up too bad.. I wish they's stop concentrating on the mistakes i have made and see that I am turning out to be alright.. i can live on my own.. i can manage.. i just wish some other people can see that...

Sigh... what am i?

There are so many things I want to do in my life.. i want to be famous.. i want to write a book.. i want to make an impact on this world.. but i haven't.. and i really don't think i'm going to.. i want my own food business.. i want to be recognized.. i want to be a household name... i just want to make something of myself.. but i don't think its gonna happen.. i'm gonna be average.. i don't wanna be average.. i just don't wanna be the ho-hum next door neighbor in a neighborhood.. i want people to know i live there... i want attention... i wanna be above average..

Am i egotistical?

Do I even know?

Do I even know who I am anymore? What's happened to everything.. it's not the same anymore and it's scaring me..

When did my life take a turn for the worse again.. things were looking up.. i was finding the happiness that I have been searching for.. but.. it's going away.. i'm losing it.. i'm losing my happiness.. i'm losing the drive to search for it.. i'm losing the strength to hold on to it.. and it's slipping through my fingers.. all the happiness that I searched so hard for.. that i thought i found.. gone..

Maybe it wasn't really happiness.. it was pain. masked in happiness... maybe that's what it was.. maybe i haven't been happy all this time..

God.. take my burdens... or just take me away...

I'll start here today!

Well.. the blogging starts here..

What do you do when you reach your breaking point? What happens when you just can't take it all anymore? What happens when your world totally collapses and you're buried alive and there is no way you can get out? Who saves you then?

Missin' out on the kiddies..

We ended up going home at 3 in the morning cuz my mom wasn't feeling good.. so i'm missing out on the kiddies.. i'm missin out on watching the lil Tot-Monster walking arund and stuff.. i'm misssing out on which that lil ZZ-head play with all th toys i got..

Oh ya.. reminder.. i need to burn the ssecond dvd of the incredibles because they want to see what happened to jack-jack...

Things are going a lil better with Justyn... we are getting over the drama that happened.. it's a lil slow but at least it's progress... i love him and that's the most sure i've ever been..

Sigh.. i kinda still wish i was in ?Thousand Oaks... i miss those kids so much.. and i only got to watch miss Totot sleep and ZZ play for a lil bit.. he did show me his new bunk bed thingy and i thought that was cool.. he truly is getting older and it's making me feel older and more nostalgic to what he used to be.. i miss him as a baby.. i miss him when he was the lil bulilit's age.. sigh.. i feel old.. when he turns ten.,. i'm turn thirty.. so ya.. i'm obviously gonna be really old..

Okay..i have nothing else to say..

Suffering..

.. from extreme boredom and restlessness..

I'm becoming anemic from the massive monthly i'm experiencing right now.. light headed and nauseus... however it's spelled.. i'm not feeling good at all.. although i know i'd rather be feeling this than other things that could have been happening.. thank God!

I'm taking a break.. i deserve it.. i've been working non-stop.. i should take a brain break.. and just blog.. that's all..

I think I'm gonna go crazy soon.. i'm restless.. i think i'm just gonna bleed to death.. that would be nice.. then i'd be dead.. the ultimate goal in this situation, right? Well.. we'll see...

Usually when it's this strong., it ends fairly quickly.. sigh...

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Dear Lord,

Thank you soo much for answering our prayers. We know that what we promised, we definitely can fulfill because we both made this vow to You and we believe in You and trust in You and we don't want to let You down. You have made us very, very happy.

I am now suffering from cramps Lord, but this pain is nothing to the pain that could have happened if our prayers were not answered. You truly are a compassionate Lord that shows Your love to all your children. I could not have asked for a better Lord.

Thank You for answering our prayers. We are going to fulfill our promise to You, no matter how much the temptation, we will be strong enough to resist because we made this vow to You. We won't do it until we get married, and that is our solemn vow.

Why me???

Why do i always have to go thru this? Why do i have to suffer my way thru life? Why does it always have to be me? Why am i always being punished? Why does my life have to be one big stressball???? Why cant i ever be happy? Why cant i ever have a relaxing life? Even if its just for a little bit. Why does it always have to be one after another.. a trial after trial after trial... when do i get to rest? When can i just be happy? When can i just relax?

Why me? Why me?

I'm scared.. i'm late.. i'm late.. i'm late..

I'm later than i thought i was.. three days.. i hope it's just the stress.. i hope it doesn't mean anything.. oh gawd.. oh God.. please.. now is not the time for this.. but the more i'll worry.. the more stress it'll bring.. and the later it will come.. no no no.. this can't be happening.. please please.. not now.. this is not a good time... please Lord.. not now.. please.. not now...

We aren't gonna do it anymore.. we swear to you.. we'll make a solemn vow.. we won't do it.. we won't.. not until we get married.. please God.. you give me this one chance and i swear to you.. no matter how bad we want to.. we won't.. we won't do it.. we swear.. please God.. don't let this happen to me again.. please.. now is not the time.. You know this.. You of all people know this.. please.. let me get it today.. and I swear to You.. from my entire heart and soul.. we will try our hardest to not do it.. no matter how fierce the temptation.. we won't.. please God.. hear my prayer... please.. please.. please..

Amen

Wheezy...

I feel like that penguin in toy story 2.. wheezy.. that kept weezing... lol..

Justyn... sigh... what am i gonna do... i love him.. i know that for sure... i have no doubt in the world that he loves me.. i do wanna spend the rest of my life with him.. but sometiems i don't know if a marriage would work between us.. is that just having cold feet or am i thinking realistically... i don't know..

We have so many differences in opinion... are we gonna be able to resolve thenm before we get married.. or do we have to sturggle to find a happy medium in married life...

No one ever said that married life and marriage was gonna be easy,... but wouldn't it be better if it were???

I am convinced..

I am sooo convinced that life refuses to make me happy.. if it isn't my parents.. then it's other things.. beyond my control.. life refuses me happiness.. it's like i'm cursed.. it's like someone is set out to get me.. find me.. and when i'm happpy.. shoot me down and make me completely miserable.. i'm convinced.. life hates me.. i hate me.. i hate my life.. so i guess we are both on the same page..

Maybe itd be easier if i were dead...

He drives me absolutely nuts!

Argh.. sometimes i dont know how i handle it?!?! It gets out of hand and then it drives me crazy to the point that i don't even wanna hang out with him all that much...

But then.. things get better and all i wanna do is hang out with him.. argh.. i'm just not gonna think about it.. he just tends to get jealous over stupid things.. i'm not gonna think about it.. it's retarded.. he's retarded.. but i love him so i'd have todeal anyway..

Look! It's the backstreet boys as cartoons!

Sigh.. finally...

A breathe of relief... i can rest.. for about ten minutes.. then i have to clean up.. man.. i did it.. finally.. it's done.. it's out.. yipee...

I'm listening to 'my boo'... ya.. it's a jam...

I should totally clrean this place up and personalize it.. but if everything works out.. i'm gonna have an office mate.. so i can't totally personalize it.. but i should pictures and posters.. make it pleasant.. not so 'officy' like.. ya know? i dunno.. that's a lot of work.. and i have so much junk to do as it is... i guess as long as it's neat then we dont have a problem.. but it isn't neat.. so we have a problem.. lol..

I have nothing good to blog about.. i should just go...

Another day.. another dollar...

Sigh... so i'm getting ready to finish off this garsh darn shopment.. FINALLY... so i should go.. i'll be back.. maybe when i finish...