Sunday.. sunday.. sunday...

Sunday.. I'm supposed to go to with my mom.. aunt.. and friend to South Coast Plaza.. it's our friends birthday.. and she wants to celebrate down there..

God.. I can't even think of trying to get myself psyched up for that.. especially with all this going on.. and if he hadn't called by then.. how am i gonna get into the mood for it.. hopefully by then.. if he hadn't called yet.. i would be starting to get over it all.. or at least the tears would have stopped falling..

Sunday.. sunday.. sunday.. getting myself ready for sunday.. I don't even want to go.. I haven't wanted to go since I heard it.. before all this started..

Well.. i have to go.. i have to go..

Well.. i know.. it's been awhile!!

Ok.. so i know i haven't been here in awhile.. only because i would run out of things to blog about.. and well.. sorry.. this was usually the last blog to get entered.. and well.. this one and the prayer blog.. but.. i have been trying to think of things to put onto here.. and then.. i'd forget.. and run out of drive.. and then hence the neglect of this blog..

I know.. no excuses.. but.. oh well.. that's life.. i guess..

Oy.. looks like my eye twitch is back.. or it's maybe just for today..

I wish I were more artistic with my blog.. adding poetry.. or witty commentary on certain things.. intelligent reviews on movies.. television shows.. blah blah blah..

This is impossible for a number of reasons...

1. I tend to suck at poetry..
2. I don't watch a lot of things.
3. My opinions are of no importance to anyone..

I best get my blog on!

Oh geez.. haven't been here in a long time.. so.. what's new with me.. not much.. just a lot of soul searching and relationship evaluating.. but nothing new.. on the verge of break up.. and then finding the love once again and knowing that no matter what we go through.. the underlying picture is that we want to be with each other..

Serious relationships are a lot harder than I have ever anticipated..

I want to know everyone's secret.. but then again.. i bet they are just going to say everyting that iv'e heard before.. so it's really not a secret.. they jsut love each other and are willing to go through heaven and hell for that person.. and I feel that way about him.. and i know he feels that way about me.. in fact.. he's felt that about me way before I even allowed myself to feel that way about him.. so in a way.. he's way ahead of me.. ya know?

So.. I know deep down in my heart that this relationship will work.. it's just.. certain head issues get in the way.. and well.. those issues tend to have more of an influence than i have ever thought.. but i do know.. deep down.. that this is where i want to be.. with him.. he is who i want to be with.. and there is no convincing me otherwise..

I don't' know.. i guess.. ultimately.. it's just my fear of everything that could happen that takes over my life.. either way.. we stay together or we break up.. the outcome will change my life for ever.. and it's scary.. change.. change is scary.. good and bad change.. they are both scary.. but a person has to go through that in order to grow..

I'm willing to got hrough that change.. preferable the good change.. ti's just kinda scary looking at the big picture.. scary.. but exciting..

Am I making ANY sense?!?!

I can't stand the distance...

So.. I feel like I'm miles away from him.. even if he's right there next to me.. he says it's only me.. cuz he's not feeling it..

I'm not regretting that I stayed with him.. I'm not regretting that I didn't break up with him.. because I do love him with all my heart.. and when I was with him yesterday.. it was the best feeling in the world.. just to be held by him.. just to hear his voice.. and look into his eyes again.. when i'm with him.. everything seems to fall into place.. and I do feel happy.. and whole..

Sometimes I'm scared that I'm getting tired of him.. but.. I still can't picture my life without him.. and i look forward to hearing from him.. I look forward to chatting with him.. and it makes me sick to my stomach to think of ever breaking up with him.. and when I'm with him.. i know it's definitely not the case.. because I cherish every moment I share with him.. and after we have gotten so close to breaking up.. i know that's definitely what I DON'T WANT... I don't want to be without him.. and i know that very well..

But what is this i'm feeling?!?!

It scares me.. because I only feel this when we aren't together.. it's not that i feel like i don't love him.. because I love him so much.. no matter if i see him or not.. but it's such a nagging feeling.. it's unnerving.. and i don't want to feel it.. because I do love him.. and i know i do.. but i don't know what this is.. it's uneasiness.. it's anxiousness.. it just doesn't feel good..

Should we have broken up? I dont think so.. but.. i don't know what this feeling means..

Am I just traumatized by all that's happened to us? Am I just more cautious again because of what's happened? I know I can't live without him.. then why am I feeling this? Why am I feeling uneasy?

I can picture him in my mind.. and see his face.. and it calms me a little bit.. but i can't shake this feeling.. I want it to go away.. and it does.. when i'm with him..

It's freaking me out and I'm literally freaking out right now.. but I can't break up with him becasue I really dont' want to.. but should we have anyway? I don't know..

I don't want to think of that because I know he does make me happy.. I need to hear his voice right now.. but he's not answering the phone..

Oh my God.. I don't feel it right now anymore.. i just have this desperation to talk to him about it right now.. I don't know..

Talking about it just helped alieve it..

Maybe it's just paranoia.. maybe it's just cautiousness.. maybe it's just fear..