Thursday, July 31, 2008

Cleansed..

Well.. I'm sitting here and I should be doing homework..

When I got rid of the dress.. I never thought that I would have so many emotions going through me. I wanted to cry.. I wanted to laugh.. I wanted to breathe a sigh of relief.. I wanted to take it back and run home..

I know that getting rid of it was the best thing i could do. I knew that getting rid of it was something I had to do. I needed to cleanse myself of that old part of me. I needed to finally let go of that part of me. I don't know why I was holding on to that part for so long.. but I guess I was.

The brightside is that I have more room in my closet now. And that totally got me over the wierd emotions I was going through..

Now.. let's hope I get another chance to buy another dress.. not anytime soon.. but hopefully in the near future..

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Going.. going.. gone!

Today is the day I get full closure. Mark this date.. July 29th, 2008. Today.. a chapter of my life will finally close.. and I can begin a whole new book.. one without any markings of this past..

Now you may wonder what the heck I'm talking about.. well.. I'll tell you.

Today.. I'm finally going to give away that wedding dress that has been sitting in my closet since 2006. I was supposed to get married.. remember. Little did anyone know.. but I had the dress.. I made him swear that we were going to go through with the wedding and he said yes.. and we both thought that's what we wanted.. so I bought it..

And it sat.. and sat.. and sat.. in my closet..

Through postponements.. break ups.. make ups.. cancellations.. drama.. drama.. drama.. it sat there.. waiting to be used.

Well.. I hope it will be used.. it just won't be by me. I wish who ever will end up with it a lifetime of love and happiness.. the lifetime i thought i was going to have.. but didn't.. a lifetime I still pray to have and will always patiently wait for God to give me..

I'm sad.. I know this is finally admitting to the fact that I have had a failed engagement.. and even though I know that the end of that part of my life was so much more a blessing than anything.. i can't help but be sad..

And scared..

My judgement of who could be "the one" is off.. way off.. and who knows who it could be.. and what if I'm wrong again.. or what if I let "the one" pass me by.. or all those possible "what-ifs.."

I will be freed from the chains of my past relationship.. finally.. it's bittersweet.. but at the same time.. relieving..

Friday, July 25, 2008

I'm tired..

So this week has definitely been one for the books..

I spent two days at UC Davis.. visiting one of the branch labs of our laboratory system.. I was there to learn stuff from them.. it was first time in my life that I have actually traveled by plane by myself. It felt like such an accomplishment. I've never been on a plane by myself.. let alone spent a night in a hotel by myself.. or meandered around a strange city all by myself..

And I did!

I know that most people have done it before.. but I bet they can remember how accomplished they were when they did it for the first time.. and so now.. i'm ready to just up and go where ever and when ever I please.. I can do it by myself too.. it's fine.. i'm not scared anymore..

I was terrifed..

So.. I'm finally feeling the effects of the week.. and I'm exhausted.

I'm going to sleep.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Terms of endearment..

Baby.. babe.. hunny.. sweetie.. sweetheart.. darling..

I don't know what it is.. well.. I used to be able to throw around terms of endearment with all the other guys I've dated.. "babe" and "baby" come to mind. I used them a lot.

This time.. I don't know.. I don't know why the terms of endearment are few and far between.. I mean.. he throws them around every so often.. and it's cute.. I like it.. it makes me feel all special and stuff.. but it's not an overkill of usage.

I guess that's why I dont throw it around as often either..

I guess I tend to adapt to whatever the guy is like..

My ex was very clingy.. in turn.. I became very clingy.. even though I'm a person that loves her free time and space.. I found myself becoming very clingy in that relationship..

This guy likes freedom and space.. perfect for me because I love the same thing.. it's like.. this is the relationship that I seemed to not have to adjust myself to so much.. I don't have to adjust my ways to match his.. because is some senses.. his ways.. are already my ways..

I don't want to put too much thought into it..

Three months is too soon to assume anything.. especially in the damaged and jaded state i'm in..

I wish it were different and that I can be more optimistic and hopeful in relationships.. but I think I've been too messed up by past experiences that I just can't see myself doing that right now.. maybe in time.. I'll learn to give into relationships again.. but I just need some time..

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Maturity takes over.. for now..

Well.. I've decided to NOT get the Blackberry.

I honestly don't need it.. I just want it.

I have to learn that I can't have everything that I want.  I mean..  I already know that I can't have everything I want.. look at how my life has been so far.. I should be an expert on knowing that I can't get what I want.

But I think that I compensate by buying whatever I want.

Not this time.  I need to save money and be wiser with money because I do have student loans coming.. eventually.. that I need to pay off.. and the more money I save.. the more I can just throw into the loan and get it paid off so much faster..

Then it's back to buying whatever I want..

Unless I get married by then.. haha.. 

Who knows.. the future is bright and full of blessings.. 

Sunday, July 06, 2008

To buy.. or not to buy.. that IS the question..

Reasons to NOT get a Blackberry Curve:
- I'm not a business person.. I'm a lab rat..
- I have NO obvious reason to be THAT connected to my email..
- It's wider than my current phone.. can't put it in my pocket..
- It's difficult to type "one-handed" with it.. or is it?!?!
- Do I really need to be "connected online" all the time?!?!?
- What exact purpose do I need this Blackberry for?!?!
- Phone nazi's... 'nuff said..
- What sort of "technological advantage" it is gonna give me?!?!
- Do I NEED it more than I WANT it?!?!?
- Something better might come a couple months later..

Reasons to get a Blackberry Curve:
- A super deal.. $50 after rebate..
- It's cute..
- It's really cute..
- It's pretty sexy looking..
- It's a Blackberry..
- I've always wanted a Blackberry..
- Can't let a good deal pass like that.. can I?!?!
- I'll always be connected..
- I can send emails..
- I can send emails at work.. during lunch and breaks..
- It's DAMN CUTE!
- Takes better pictures than my current phone..
- $30/mo gives me unlimited email and web browsing..
- Sound quality is better..
- Great f*ckin' deal I can't pass up!

Ugh.. what to do.. what to do.. what to do..

Advice?!?! Anyone?????

Thursday, July 03, 2008

Delirious..

This week has definitely been a weird one..

I've been on a doctor's work order to not come in until next week.  The hives have gotten to be too much and I've been on allergy pills that make me sooo groggy and sleepy.  But I've been learning to fight the sleepiness because I will never get anything done otherwise.

But I think I've been fighting it off so much that today I'm reaching a breaking point.. and I'm officially delirious.. 

It's hard to focus.. but I really need to fight this... my head is so heavy.. but I'm actually giddier than I have been these past few days.. 

Delirious.. but happy.. deliriously happy.. i don't know why.. maybe it's the drugs.. maybe it's just all the things I've been going through have just given me perspective.. I don't know.. I just am..

But I need to sleep.. hahaha.. I need to shut my eyes and get rid of my "zombie" mode..

Too bad I have homework.. 

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Bruises fade..

Sigh.. 

I'm still battling this cold.. actually.. the cold is going away.. it's been replaced with hives.. all.. over.. my.. body.. ugh..

I think that the massive itchy feeling is so much worse than any cold.. seriously..

But this is not what we are going to talk about today.. 

Let's talk about how the boy in my life has pretty much made me a happy camper.. despite the crazy itchy feeling.. which I'm being treated for now.. so I should be getting better soon.. thank God.

Anyway..

I don't know how to start this.. I really don't.. so lets ramble on for a bit and hopefully I find some direction.. 

He had chocolate covered strawberries delivered to me today.. to help me feel better.. took me totally by surprise.. something I have never experienced with any guy I have ever been with before.. something I am not used to.. I think that this has been bumped up to the "most romantic thing a guy has done for me category.."

I'm happy.. gosh.. I feel like a giddy high school girl that got a balloon gram from her boyfriend.. haha.. he makes me happy.. something that I've had a hard time admitting to myself.. 

I like him.. a lot.. a whole lot..

It's great.. but I'm terrified..