Everybody wants to live happily ever after..

And well.. I'm no exception..

Haha.. had the wierdest dream last night.. er.. the other night.. I'm not quite sure which night.. but I know it was a recent dream.

I was on one end of a football field. It kind of looked like FoHi's football field.. maybe because that's the only football field I've been on.. with the exception of our own high schools.. but that was more like a vast field.. with no stadium seats or anything..

Ugh.. I digress.

Anyway.. and Joe.. the boyfriend.. was on the fifty yard line.. I was part of a game show.. hosted by two of my friends.. and the guy asked the easy questions.. and the girl asked the hard questions. I had to flip a coin to determine which one of them would ask me the question.

For each question I got right.. Joe came closer to me. For every question I got wrong.. he moved away.. and if he hit the end of the field.. he was to walk away from my life.. FOREVER..

Sad!

Anyway.. it seemed ok at first.. I was getting asked by both people and I'd get some right.. some wrong... Joe stayed at around the fifty yard line..

Then.. suddenly.. i was getting questions from the girl.. one after the other and I would watch him get farther and father and farther away from me.. and I could hear him yelling out for me.. but he was getting so far away that we couldn't make out what he was saying anymore..

Then.. somehow.. I found out that the girl switched out the coins and that she rigged it so that she would be asking the questions all the time.. and he was going to eventually walk out of my life..

When I started to get out of my podium to do something.. my alarm goes off.. so I don't know how the dream would have ended..

Hmm..

Dreams are interpretations of the subconscious..

I wonder what my subconscious is so worried about..

Having some fun..

Let's try something..

My birthday is exactly a month away.. and I realized that I really haven't done anything new in a long time.

So.. I'm thinking.. it's time step out of my comfort zone and do something completely out of my personality.

My boyfriend (yes.. he's officially my boyfriend now..) says I should do golf... haha.. that's only cuz he plays golf.. and I'm sure he'd like to get me into it too.. but ya.. um.. let's start with something else..

Hmm.. I got this out-of-the-way notion to go on some sort of hike.. get in tune of nature.. to get in tune with the natural gifts that God has graced us with.. God graced all of us with the beauty of the world.. and I just want to see if I can be a part of that.. outside the realm of shopping malls and amusement parks and man-made luxuries..

The whole world is out there.. and I am opening doors.. and answering the calls that are sent to me..

I just want to see if i can handle the exposure to it al..

Everyone knows I'm the complete opposite of "outdoorsy"

I'm getting older.. let's try being "outdoorsy.." even if just once more..

<3

One of the greatest weekends I've had in awhile.

Gosh.. that boy really knows how to make me smile.

It's getting harder and harder to breathe..

All that strength.. crumbles.. instantaneous.

I refuse to let it get to me. I refuse to let all the months of strength and rebuilding my life into something I can be proud of.. crumble in a matter of minutes.

I'm allowed my moments of weakness.. but that's all that they will be.. just moments.. not lifetimes.

I don't want to be insecure. I don't want this to be the driving force that will take away all the happiness I've tried so hard to attain and retain.

I shouldn't be needy. I shouldn't have to be needy. Neediness will just make him think that I am weak and that I can't handle things on my own.. when I know I can.

I know I just need him right now. I just need him to be here, but it's hard when being "here" is an hour and a half away from him. But I refuse to be that needy girl that needs to be comforted all the time.

I have to be strong because I have no choice. I have to be strong because I don't want him to find me weak. I spent the good portion of our beginning showing him how strong I really am. I refuse to contradict all that with one or two bad incidents tearing me down.

I don't know how to approach this.. I don't know where the line stands between strength and weakness..

Some kind words.. thoughts.. advice.. that would be really nice right now..

Zoom!

Wow.. I usually complain about how slow the week is going.. but today.. I'm going to have to complain about how FAST the week is flying by.

I really need it to slow down.

I'm going to be in San Diego this weekend to spend some time with the guy that I am seeing and the last thing I wanted to do was bring homework with me. My goal was to finish my paper and some discussion questions by Thursday night. If I had to, I would have done some last minute things on Friday before I left.

Looks like I may have to bring some stuff out with me this weekend.

Sad.

But I guess I gotta do what I gotta do!

All the world is a stage..

And everyone has their part..

It's all been written...

Do we really have a "choice"?

Or are our "choices" already decided for us..

Philosophical.. I know..

All I long for.. I have found by the water..

It's too quiet.. there are some ppl at work that are at a workshop.. leaving me and someone else.. all by our lonesome in the lab.. it's way too quiet..

My thoughts have gotten very loud to make up for the lack of background noise.

My mind wanders aimlessly and I am psyching myself out for no apparent reason. Well.. I have plenty of reason.. but I refuse to let those thoughts and possibilities get to me at the moment.. I refuse..

There is also a song stuck in my head.. from church.. and well.. maybe it's trying to tell me something..

Lord, You Have Come
1. Lord, you have come to the seashore,
neither searching for the rich nor the wise,
desiring only that I should follow.

Refrain
O, Lord, with your eyes set upon me,
gently smiling, you have spoken my name;
all I longed for I have found by the water,
at your side, I will seek other shores.

2. Lord, see my goods, my possessions;
in my boat you find no power, no wealth.
Will you accept, then, my nets and labor?

3. Lord, take my hands and direct them.
Help me spend myself in seeking the lost,
returning love for the love you gave me.

4. Lord, as I drift on the waters,
be the resting place of my restless heart,
my life's companion, my friend and refuge.

Not crying over spilt milk..

I spilled my lunch milk in my car today.. and no.. I didn't cry.

I was annoyed.. and angry.. and frustrated.. but I didn't cry. Then I realized.. why am I getting worked up over this... clean it up.. and I get to have a yummy lunch instead of "diet lunch.."

And I did.. beef udon.. mmm..

It's 100 degrees outside today.. and i'm having Japanese soup..

My friend told me that it's never too hot for ME to have soup.. that's cuz I love soups.. of all forms and flavors.. I'm a soup person and I can eat soup all the time if I could.. hahah..

So.. If life spills your milk.. go get japanese food instead!

The case of the Mondays..

My tummy feels icky.. my head is pounding.. I overslept this morning.. and the door is still locked to the PCR room at work..

It's Monday..

Can't you feel the "monday blues" in the air?

I don't remember the last time I complained about a Monday.. but it sure feels like a good day to do so now..

Oh geez.. I even have a stiff neck!

Oh well.. what can you do.. can't turn back time.. can't change things.. gotta just roll with it.. and hope for the best..

Let's just hope that tomorrow will be a better day..

Dun.. dun.. da.. da.. da.. da..

Love songs have new meaning..

Not in the whole "wide-eyed.. bushy-tailed" way.. I mean.. there are more senitmental meanings to love songs..

But I don't know if it's "love.."

We'll just leave it at that..

I went to go visit an old friend who just had a baby two weeks ago.. she's doing well.. and so is the little darling girl.. It's amazing to see all these girls that I practically grew up with.. being mothers.. it was wierd enough watching them all get married.. it wasn't wierd in a bad way.. wierd in an amazing way.. that way that really hits home.. saying "we're grown ups.. now.."

Now.. most of them have entered motherhood.. and I couldn't be more happier.. I love babies and to be able to have these little babies around me.. and being able to give them back when they get out of hand... that's like.. the dream! Hahaha..

In reality.. I'd love to have one of my own.. and I pray that it will happen.. sooner than later.. but I'm willing to wait because I trust God has his plan for me.

I just know that when I do have a child.. I plan on being an amazing mother.. and super wife..

But I know I'll definitely miss my sleep.. yawn.. I'm sleepy now!

It's crazy..

Feelings..

Feeling things..

Emotions..

What makes you fall for someone.. and what makes you not fall for someone else?

Say.. for example.. two people treat you the same way.. they both take care of you.. they both like you.. they both respect you.. what makes you fall for one.. and not the other.. what makes you feel things for one.. and feeling differently about the other?

What attracts two people to each other? What attracts two perfect strangers to each other? What makes two complete strangers "click" upon their first meeting? What makes someone want to get to know another person? What makes a person.. that never used to be the one to "call first".. call that other person first? What makes a person do things completely different than he or she used to in regards to relationships?

What makes a person trust their current partner.. when they could barely trust their former partners?

What makes things "different"??

What makes people love each other?

How do you know you love someone? How do you know you are falling in love with someone.. especially since all the other times you've "fallen in love" it all fell apart? How do you know you are right this time? What if you're wrong again?

What makes a person fall in love with someone.. and is it the same thing that can make a person fall OUT of love with someone?

If you fall out of love.. were you really in love in the first place?

So many questions.. so many feelings.. so many thoughts.. racing through my head.. shouldn't this just be easy.. why is it soo hard this time around?!?