New musical obsession...

Okay... so maybe i'm a lil late.. but i just discovered Joss Stone and I think she's so awesome... I love her sound... that's talent!!!

Anyway.. so my co-workers sorta found out about my lil bout with depression... they were trying to force me to go out to Newport with them and that's just soo not my thing.. i just don't like that kinda clubbin stuff.. it's not my scene... i'm a home-body.. i'd rather be home.. on my computer.. giving myself self-therapy through a million different blogging websites..

I'm bored with life.. i need an outlet for all this energy i have... i took for granted the thrill of performances... now that i'm not involved in theater in any form.. i totally miss it.. i never thought i would... i thought it would be easy to give up theater.. apparently it's not.. but i guess i'll get over it.. i usually do get over things...

So i had a great day at yoga today.. my abs were soo working today.. and i'm determined to get my damn handstand down... i was almost up with assistance.. but i got scared.. it's all in my head.. i can soo do it! I will do it! I'm happy (for once!) cuz i had a good yoga day.. that was the highlight.. and now i'm going to bed...

The rain in spain stays mainly in the plain...

Ya.. so i'm musical today.. give me a break!

I went to a convention today... good lord was there a lot of people.. all science geeks, thank you very much! No worries though cuz i was one of them... i was in my element.. i was with my people.. lol...

I miss the theater.. i wish i was doing a show.. the auditions for Company in Chino came and went.. i was in Thousand Oaks sun-burning my back during the auditions... i really wouldn't know what to sing anyway... would it be to formal to have sung 'broken vow?' That seems to be my audition song of choice.. or i could always go with 'i don't know how to love him'... it's safe.. i've done it so many times... i could easily do it again.. i wouldn't mind doing it either...

I just wish that things didn't end up the way that they did and i was able to do FAME... it was my plan all along to be more active at the mummers... it was my plan all along to do more theater... so much for plans!

I've got to go to yoga class soon... i'm excited.. cuz i sooo need it... i will get a handstand eventually... i just need to get over the fright... it's such a friggin mental thing now... cuz i'm sure my body can handle.. my mind just needs to get over it! Goodness gracious...

I should look up kabbalah... i looked up scientology and figured that i didn't like it... i'm open-minded... looking up information on it never hurt anyone... right?

I'm gonna try to get some sleep tonight.. early.. but i need to settle my laundry tonight... ya.. that's the agenda... ooooh-kay...

I hate this...

So I really can't stand the way that I'm feeling right now.. it's like i'm lethargic.. i don't want to do anything.. i just want to sleep all day.. i'm too lazy to do anything... i don't feel anything.. my smiles are all fake.. i can't even try to smile without knowing i don't really want to..

I hate the uncertainty of life... i hate the unpredictability of it all... the only thing that is for certain is that we all die... between birth and death.. it's all a gamble... and i hate that.. i want to know what's really gonna happen.. if the decisions that i make in my life are good and what the reasons are for all that has happened to me... i don't like guessing.. i don't like it...

I know i should have total and complete faith in God.. and i do.. it's just sometimes... i'm human... i'm allowed to question.. and to hate.. and to not understand.. cuz when it all comes down to it.. i do believe that God has the best of intentions for me... its just that sometimes i get frustrated when i feel that things arent' going my way..

Wow.. i feel better... i guess venting is all that it took...

Oh geez...

Myspace.com

So I'm home and I'm bored... it's 11:00pm and I should be asleep... i have work tomorrow... it's so monotonous... yes.. that's what my life has become... wake up, go to work, go home, workout, go to sleep, wake up, go to work, go home, workout, go to sleep, wake up... yadda yadda...

Since when have i lost all variety in life? when the heck did that happen? I used to have a least some unpredictablity... sigh...

I have nothing else to say.. except that sometimes.. i just wanna drive my car over a bridge... ya... the end...

My day, my thoughts

Sometimes I feel like I just want to jump off of a bridge.  Sometimes life just doesn't seem worth living.  I'm bored.  There's nothing left for me to do.  I've done the whole school thing, I've gotten my degree, and I'm working full time... I mean, what's left?

I assume that finding love is next.  But how lucky do you think I am in that department?  At least with the whole education thing, I have full control of it.. I know where it will end up.  It's predictable. 

But with relationships, I have no control.  It's unpredictable.  I become vulnerable.  I get hurt.  Is it worth it?  Sometimes I think it is, and sometimes I don't. 

I'm lonely.  That's one thing that's certain.  I do want companionship.  I want someone to give me the variety in my life.  I'm bored.  I live monotonously.  I need spontaneity.  A relationship could give that to me.  Right?

Argh.. i just don't know...

What i did today...

Myspace.com

Well... let's see.. seeing that this is a semi-private blog, meaning that i'm probably not going to invite anyone to see this.. only the few lucky, or maybe unlucky, people that happen to stumble upon this will read it... that's what i intended for the xanga blog, but i ended up inviting people to it anyway.. out of sheer boredom..

Oops I'm supposed to be cooking.. hold on a sec...

Um, okay.. so the food was already done.. damn, i'm a fast cook... lol...

So let's see.. as i was saying.. since this blog is semi-private.. i can totally spill everything that i feel.. like my slight annoyance with the accuradio station that i'm listening to... it's the kander and ebb station.. you know, the writers of the music to cabaret and chicago.. anywayi... it keeps playing the same damn songs over and over... no variety...

Argh.. i feel like my life is at a stand-still.. it's not going anywhere.. i feel stuck in my situation.. like i can't escape the downward spiral that i feel like i'm following... i don't feel like i'm making any progress in my life.. i'm bored.. i need some sort of stimulation.. i need variety... i need diversion.. but i don't like going out.. i don't like clubs.. i don't like partying.. i'm a home-body.. i need companionship.. someone that likes to stay at home.. just as long as i have someone to spend time with.. i won't be bored.. maybe that's it.. maybe i'm just lonely...

Oh! My favorite CABARET song... 'married'...

Anyway.. ya.. i think i'm just lonely or something.. i miss having someone around.. i miss the late night phone calls.. i miss the companionship of having someone around.. i miss being in someone's thoughts.. i miss having someone to think about.. i miss knowing that i always have someone to turn to for everything.. i miss just dropping lil notes to say hi.. or that i'm thinking aobut them or whatever.. and i miss having someone drop lil notes to say hi to me.. or to let me know that they are thinking about me..

But at the same time.. i don't know if i really wanna start a relationship.. beginning those things are really scary.. i don't wanna make myself totally vulnerable to someone again.. but i wanna be in love again.. it's the best and the worst feeling in the world.. so what do i do? I guess i should embrace the opportunites to let someone back into my life.. when and if they ever come to me...

Getting hurt is a part of life.. you take that pain and learn from it... but it's almost like a pavlovian conditioning... learning that pain is bad.. and that relationships are the source of this pain.. then you've been conditioned to avoid what hurts you.. hence avoiding relationships.. gosh.. this has turned really philosophical... but its true.. right?

I don't know.. maybe i'm just over reacting cuz i'm so lonely.. but i should be comfortable with my life.. i have a job, a college degree, cute neices and nephews, friends and family that keep me company.. then why am i complaining, you know? I guess it's just different when its the companionship of a boyfriend... and that's what i'm think i'm ready for... i hope... let's just hope that it's ready for me... geez... i hope that i get that chance... gosh.. i don't wanna end up an old maid...

I want a family.. i want a husband.. i wanna be a stay at home mom.. i want a loving household.. i want family vacations.. family portraits.. family outings.. i i'm a family person... so.. will i ever get that?

Bored

artsyviray's Xanga Site

To life.. to life.. i don't know how to spell the rest of this song...

i'm talking about fiddler on the roof's 'to life' song...
oh well.. don't mind me.. i'm bored

Driving topless...

Yahoo!

Wow.. when guys drive topless.. it can sure be distracting.. especially if the guy seems pretty cute... but then, if the guy is nasty.. i'm sure its distracting in other ways..

Just a random thought to ponder on...

Introduction... of sorts...

Hmmm.. how should i start this... what should i write about.. i've got so many blogs i can't keep track of all that i have.. so where should i start...

Let's see.. i had a crummy day.. work was fine... busy.. which is better than being bored... but still i was looking forward to doing a show this summer.. but things just don't seem to be going my way lately and so i decided to decline the role given to me for the show... its was stupid so everyone knew i wasn't gonna do it...

It's nice to know that i have friends that have my back.. i started crying...

Blogger: User Profile: ArtsyTartsyViray

Blogger: User Profile: ArtsyTartsyViray

So uh.. ya.. this is the first blog here... i'm bloggin everywhere... i've got one on myspace.. one on xanga and now one on here... but i know not a lot of people will visit this site... cuz that's just how things work.. so this one will remain pretty private until i start inviting people to come and see this...

So uh... ya...