What i did today...

Myspace.com

Well... let's see.. seeing that this is a semi-private blog, meaning that i'm probably not going to invite anyone to see this.. only the few lucky, or maybe unlucky, people that happen to stumble upon this will read it... that's what i intended for the xanga blog, but i ended up inviting people to it anyway.. out of sheer boredom..

Oops I'm supposed to be cooking.. hold on a sec...

Um, okay.. so the food was already done.. damn, i'm a fast cook... lol...

So let's see.. as i was saying.. since this blog is semi-private.. i can totally spill everything that i feel.. like my slight annoyance with the accuradio station that i'm listening to... it's the kander and ebb station.. you know, the writers of the music to cabaret and chicago.. anywayi... it keeps playing the same damn songs over and over... no variety...

Argh.. i feel like my life is at a stand-still.. it's not going anywhere.. i feel stuck in my situation.. like i can't escape the downward spiral that i feel like i'm following... i don't feel like i'm making any progress in my life.. i'm bored.. i need some sort of stimulation.. i need variety... i need diversion.. but i don't like going out.. i don't like clubs.. i don't like partying.. i'm a home-body.. i need companionship.. someone that likes to stay at home.. just as long as i have someone to spend time with.. i won't be bored.. maybe that's it.. maybe i'm just lonely...

Oh! My favorite CABARET song... 'married'...

Anyway.. ya.. i think i'm just lonely or something.. i miss having someone around.. i miss the late night phone calls.. i miss the companionship of having someone around.. i miss being in someone's thoughts.. i miss having someone to think about.. i miss knowing that i always have someone to turn to for everything.. i miss just dropping lil notes to say hi.. or that i'm thinking aobut them or whatever.. and i miss having someone drop lil notes to say hi to me.. or to let me know that they are thinking about me..

But at the same time.. i don't know if i really wanna start a relationship.. beginning those things are really scary.. i don't wanna make myself totally vulnerable to someone again.. but i wanna be in love again.. it's the best and the worst feeling in the world.. so what do i do? I guess i should embrace the opportunites to let someone back into my life.. when and if they ever come to me...

Getting hurt is a part of life.. you take that pain and learn from it... but it's almost like a pavlovian conditioning... learning that pain is bad.. and that relationships are the source of this pain.. then you've been conditioned to avoid what hurts you.. hence avoiding relationships.. gosh.. this has turned really philosophical... but its true.. right?

I don't know.. maybe i'm just over reacting cuz i'm so lonely.. but i should be comfortable with my life.. i have a job, a college degree, cute neices and nephews, friends and family that keep me company.. then why am i complaining, you know? I guess it's just different when its the companionship of a boyfriend... and that's what i'm think i'm ready for... i hope... let's just hope that it's ready for me... geez... i hope that i get that chance... gosh.. i don't wanna end up an old maid...

I want a family.. i want a husband.. i wanna be a stay at home mom.. i want a loving household.. i want family vacations.. family portraits.. family outings.. i i'm a family person... so.. will i ever get that?