The greatest lyrics I ever heard..

Anyone who can touch you

Can hurt you or heal you

Anyone who can reach you

Can love you or leave you

It's from a song by Natasha Bedingfield.  The song is called "I Bruise Easily.."

The whole song is basically something I can relate to, but I think this stanza is something that I really relate to the most.  

It's so very true.. in my opinion.. 

Oh man.. oh man..

I took half of yesterday and all of today off. 

I'm sick.

My throat hurts, my sinuses are congested, and my head is about to explode.  

But.. I have to go to work tomorrow.  

I slept as much as I could today.  Didn't help that I was woken this morning by text messages from my best friend and the guy I'm dating.. my "edp.. exlusive dating partner.."  Then, when I tried to take a nap.. I was woken up again by text from him.. I don't mind.. I like hearing from him.. but I'm sick.. so.. ya.. 

My friend said that it was because I have been overworking myself lately.. which is true.  I have been so busy with school and work and church that it's starting to take it's toll on me.. I know I have to slow down.. but I am just not at a good "slowing down point" in my life..

I know that I will hit it eventually.. I will slow down.. settle.. and have a family of my own.. hopefully that will slow me down.. 

Well.. having a family of my own won't necessarily slow me down.. I know I'll just as busy.. but in a different way.. and I look forward to that.. 

But for now.. tho' I wear myself out so thin that getting sick is the only way to slow me down.. I like my life.. it will have to take something pretty special to slow me and settle me.. and I secretly hope that this something special is already in my life somehow.. 

Who knows... 

Prayers.. 

The weight on my chest..

I refuse to let my past haunt my present.. and my future.

I mean.. I made mistakes.. I made bad judgements.  We all have.. right?

I may not have been the best person before.  But I sure as heck want to be the best person I can be now.  I made the decision that I wasn't going to play those games anymore.  I'm looking for different things in life and I know I can change myself for the better.  I've been doing a good job of that so far.

I refuse to screw this up.  

He's concerned that my past will leak into our present.. possibly affecting a future.. 

He has to be wrong.  It's up to me whether I will allow those things to come up again or not.. and I will NOT let them come up.  That's just not what I want in life anymore.  I am a different person with different goals.. and different ways to get them.

This shouldn't bother me.. but it does.  We had this conversation just about an hour ago.. 

I guess he has a right to kinda know what he's getting into by learning about some of my past.. but he also said that as long as things don't leak into the future.. then he's ok with it.. but the thing is.. he's doubting that it could really be part of my past.. he's doubting whether or not I can keep it in my past.. 

I can.  I know I can.. 

I'm scared that my stupid mistakes are going to affect how he deals with me and how far this is going to go.  I want this to possibly something long-term.  I can see it going there if things continue to be the way they are.  He's a nice guy and I like him.  I don't want to screw it up by things I've done BEFORE I met him.. you know?

I'm not a bad person.. but I also know that I really haven't been a great person.. 

I was a flirt.. I was highly flirtatious.. I was known for that for the longest time.. not that I followed through with a lot of the flirtatious banter.. but I did a lot of "talk.."  And yes.. I still am friends with a lot of the guys I had these flirtatious relationships with.. but friendships evolve and most of my guy friends know that when I'm exclusively seeing someone.. they back off.. and they don't say anything and they know that I won't say anything to screw anything up with the person I'm seeing.. 

But things are different.. I'm at a different part of my life right now.. can he see that?  Will he be able to see that?  Or will he always see that part of me and always be concerned that it will possibly come back and bite us in the ass??

I'm different now.. and I hope that he can see that.. how am I going to prove myself? 

I guess.. I just have to keep doing what I'm doing.. I can be the best person I can be.. and then some.. I know I can.. I just pray he can see that too.. 

Pictures..

My brother's graduation.. and there are pictures of me and "the new boy.."

Enjoy!

At least it's the first day of the rest of my life..

I'm not bitter.. I never really was.. it's just that there are certain things in life that irk me.. and for some reason.. "this" does..

I don't know why I just feel so "shot in the gut" when I come across things like that.. you know..

I know it's a part of my past.. it will always be part of my past.. but if he was trying to get to me.. then.. it's not working in the sense that he thinks it is..

I know what I have now.. and I really enjoy what I have now.. it's completely different that was he could have ever given me.. and I thank God everyday that I have what I have now and that God showed me how things could really be with someone else.. someone better..

It bothers me because it just seems so fake.. like he's trying to hard to show me up..

It angers me cuz he is flaunting something to prove a point.. and I know that he may never admit to that.. but I know that's what he's doing..

He wants to hurt me.. it doesn't hurt me..

It irks me.. and "irking" is not necessarily "hurting" me..

You would never see me flaunt what I have now.. I am proud of it.. and I am happy because of it.. but I will never flaunt it..

I don't have to prove to anyone that I am happy.. I don't have to prove it to anyone but myself.. and who ever I'm involved with..

And definitely not to him..

Ugh.

Makes me wonder..

Sometimes I wonder why I can be soo happy about something in my life.. and then.. a sudden twist of events causes me to doubt it all..

I mean.. here I am.. totally content in the situation I am in.. happy.

Then.. I dig around and find something out that can be detrimental to my happiness..

I mean.. I don't think I should let it get to me.. but it could be big enough to really affect what I have in my life right now and If I avoid it.. I just may end up more hurt than ever..

It's like God says.. "Here you go.. enjoy.."

And then.. I do enjoy it..

But then God says.. "Oh.. wait.. there's a catch.. "

Ugh.. why must there be a catch?! I knew that this was all too good to be true.. and I don't want to see pessimistic.. but I kinda doubted that I could be 100% content in this situation.. it did seem too good to be true..

But then again.. this could be a test.. if I can handle it.. right?

What to do.. what to do..

I'm just full of insight..

I took a look at where I was one year ago today.

Blogs are great for that stuff. All you have to do is look at June 2007 and see what went on.

I know this month last year was quite significant because this was the month that turned my world upside down and topsy turvy. And it all happened in one quick night. This was the month that Justyn and I ended the engagement.. ended the relationship.. and caused my world to crumble for that moment..

But look at me now..

Can I honestly say that I regret everything that's happened?!

I can honestly say that my world.. my life.. my outlook has changed for the better..

Such a learning experience and a blessing in disguise.

I read of the hurt.. I read of my heartache.. and I know that at that time.. those feelings were genuine. But I wouldn't ever go back and change a thing.. I'd go through it again with him just to see how strong I am right now.

There are no "what ifs" or "should have be this.."

It was how it was supposed to be..

And whereever life may lead me.. I know that I will be nothing but blessed along the way.. because that's just how it's always been and will always be..

What I did for love..

Talk about the ultimate procrastination..

I went to Las Vegas on Memorial Day weekend.

I have only now unpacked from that trip.

Yes.. I know.. LAZY!

Hahahaa.. oh well.. at least now it's almost done. I also realize that I have way more clothes than I do hangers to hang them in. Uh oh. Time to get rid of some stuff. If only it were that easy. I always feel like I'm going to have a use for some article of clothing. I mean.. i would get rid of a lot of my shirts and give it away to the local Salvation Army.. but I need those shirts for work.. I can't go into the lab in a tank or tube top..

Oh well.. what to do.. what to do.. what to do..

Maybe I should stop buying clothes..

OH NO!

June.

Can you believe we are HALFWAY through 2008 already?!!?

Where is all the time going? I know I say this every year and every month, but why does it feel like it's flying soooo fast this year? I have no idea what I have gotten accomplished so far.

Well.. no.. let's take a step back and think..

I did start working on this MBA.. which seems more like a curse than a blessing at the moment.. but I know that I'm only saying this now because I am soo not in the mood to write a paper.

I've met some new people that make me happy. I ended a connection with someone that no longer made me happy.

I'm taking a chance on things in life and I'm not regretting anything so far.

I guess, with as fast as time is going, there are many blessings that are embedded in it all. Those blessings were not only for me, but for a lot of my friends and family, and for that, I know that I am blessed. When my friends and family are happy, then I am happy.

I have learned so much about myself and life and how I handle things over the past few years that I have changed so much..

I feel like I've reached this whole level of maturity.. looking back at the person I was at the beginning of the year.. I feel like I have changed so much. I don't know how or why, but I did.

Blessings.. all around.. blessings..