The weight on my chest..

I refuse to let my past haunt my present.. and my future.

I mean.. I made mistakes.. I made bad judgements.  We all have.. right?

I may not have been the best person before.  But I sure as heck want to be the best person I can be now.  I made the decision that I wasn't going to play those games anymore.  I'm looking for different things in life and I know I can change myself for the better.  I've been doing a good job of that so far.

I refuse to screw this up.  

He's concerned that my past will leak into our present.. possibly affecting a future.. 

He has to be wrong.  It's up to me whether I will allow those things to come up again or not.. and I will NOT let them come up.  That's just not what I want in life anymore.  I am a different person with different goals.. and different ways to get them.

This shouldn't bother me.. but it does.  We had this conversation just about an hour ago.. 

I guess he has a right to kinda know what he's getting into by learning about some of my past.. but he also said that as long as things don't leak into the future.. then he's ok with it.. but the thing is.. he's doubting that it could really be part of my past.. he's doubting whether or not I can keep it in my past.. 

I can.  I know I can.. 

I'm scared that my stupid mistakes are going to affect how he deals with me and how far this is going to go.  I want this to possibly something long-term.  I can see it going there if things continue to be the way they are.  He's a nice guy and I like him.  I don't want to screw it up by things I've done BEFORE I met him.. you know?

I'm not a bad person.. but I also know that I really haven't been a great person.. 

I was a flirt.. I was highly flirtatious.. I was known for that for the longest time.. not that I followed through with a lot of the flirtatious banter.. but I did a lot of "talk.."  And yes.. I still am friends with a lot of the guys I had these flirtatious relationships with.. but friendships evolve and most of my guy friends know that when I'm exclusively seeing someone.. they back off.. and they don't say anything and they know that I won't say anything to screw anything up with the person I'm seeing.. 

But things are different.. I'm at a different part of my life right now.. can he see that?  Will he be able to see that?  Or will he always see that part of me and always be concerned that it will possibly come back and bite us in the ass??

I'm different now.. and I hope that he can see that.. how am I going to prove myself? 

I guess.. I just have to keep doing what I'm doing.. I can be the best person I can be.. and then some.. I know I can.. I just pray he can see that too..