In need of a little distraction..

I'm tired of blogging the details of my highly depressing life right now... I need a break from the drama.. and when I do that.. I turn to learning more about my religion.. so.. i found the top ten questions catholics are asked.. and for the sake of boredom and the need for something different in these blogs.. i'll type them here.. like a countdown..

Also.. i'm doing it here cuz this blog site seems to be the one I tie most closest to religion...

10. Are your beliefs found in the Bible?

All Catholic beliefs can be found in the Bible in some form, whether plainly or by an indirect indication. If is not necessary for everything to be absolutely clear in Scripture alone, because that is not a teaching of Scripture itself. Scripture also points to an authoritative Church and Tradition, as St. Paul says in his Second Letter to the Thessalonians: "Stand firm and hold to the traditions which you were taught by us, either by word of mouth or by letter" (2 Thess 2:15 - see also 1 Cor 11:2, 2 Thess 3:6; 2 Tim 1:13-14, 2:2). When the first Christians had a significant disagreement, they didn't simply open their
Bibles (which didn't even exist at that point) to decide who was right; they held a council, which made binding decrees (Acts 15:1-29). The very books of the Bible had to be determined by the Church, and that didn't happen until the late fourth century. Therefore, Sacred Tradition and authority were necessary for us to even have a Bible today.

And I guess I'll countdown as the days go by... cuz i have nothing better to write about.. and i'd rather be doing that instead of dwelling over something i can't really fix right now..

My head is swimming..

I did what i didn't think I could do quite yet.. i went on his myspace for the first time since that incident. My stomach feels so hollow and everything came flooding back. But i needed to go on there to start trying to get over it. I have to be pro-active in healing myself of this hurt and going on his site was the first step.

I feel like i've been punched in the stomach and someone is stepping on my chest. I want to question everything that involves him and what he's doing and who he's talking with.. but i'm not going to. I have to trust him. I know he loves me and if he does something to lose me.. then it should be his loss. I want so badly to believe that.

Here I go again.. fighting back tears of frustration and hurt. I don't want to do this anymore. I just want to get over it. I just want to move on. I can't breathe again..

I need to calm down. I need to focus. I just want to be with him right now. I just want him to hold me tightly and wipe my tears away. I want him to telll me that he loves me. I want him to tell me that this won't happen again. I want him to tell me that he won't ever put me in this situation ever again. I want him to tell me that we are going to be ok. I want him to tell me to trust him. I want to be able to trust him. want to be able to brush this off now.. but i'm scared.. so so so so so scared.. scared that someone else is going to catch his eye.. someone better suited for him.. someone that has more in common.. someone that fits his vision of someone he wants to spend the rest of his life with.. someone that isn't me.. and with all the differences that we have.. it is so possible that someone better suited for him can come along.. and i dont' want that cuz I love him.. I am the one that loves him.. i am the one thats in love with him.. i need him in my life.. he makes me complete..

Please just give me the courage and guidance to find security in this relationship again..

Disaster..

I feel like my world just fell apart.. the one person I trusted not to hurt me like this.. just did.. and I know that it's not a big deal to him.. and I know that I've probably done a lot worse to him in the past.. but i'm still hurt.. i don't know.. i dont' know what to think anymore..

I just feel like I'm starting to head down that same path again.. part of me is saying to just end it now.. let it go before it's a whole repeat of your history with men.. spare myself further pain.. but the other part of me still believes that he is the one.. and that he truly and sincerely loves me.. and that we are destined to spend the rest of our lives togheter..

I just feel so shaken up right now.. like i don't know what to believe anymore.. i have given so much of myself to him and to this relationship that i feel like i dont know what to do.. i know this is only ONE TIME.. but it only takes ONE TIME to make things shakey.. and although i know i've done worse in the past.. i'm not as strong as him.. i'm not like him at all..

I never expected this to happen between him and I. I always considered our relationship to be so great and so special cuz i knew how much he loved me and i knew how faithful he was to me.. but the words.. the comments.. the website.. it haunts me to the point where i can't even think of going on to his site right now.. or ever..

I always thrived on knowing how strong our relationship was. I changed so much of my old ways to make sure he had no more questions about my love for him. Conversations with that particular person he hates ceased in the flirtation department after i made it clear to that person that i was in love with Justyn and that there was no chance between us ever even having a fling.. now... we hardly talk.. and if he does talk to me.. its always about jobs.. My old flirtatious was with Kar-el have ceased too.. now it's a rare 'just droppin' in to say hi' cuz i've abandoned his.. and everyone elses profiles.. no intentionally.. but it just didn't seem necessary because i was perfectly satisfied with the attention i was getting from Justyn alone.. I didn't feel it necessary anymore to get flirtatious attention or to give out flirtatious attention to anyone else.. It hurts me to think that he still felt like he needed that from someone else.. like i wasn't enough.. because he was enough to me.. i didn't need anyone else.. apprently he still did..

Now i don't know what to think.. on my way home from work.. i stopped by the Starbucks and bought the new Alanis Morrissette "Jagged Little Pill" acoustic version.. I had forgotten how great the CD was.. and with it all being in acoustic version.. it's a million times better.. anyway.. i was listening to the CD.. and i came across that song "Head Over Feet" and I immediately thought of my relationship with Justyn and how that song seemed to really explain how I really felt about him and our relationship... i really felt so sure that this was our relationship.. but now.. i feel so foolish and stupid for feeling this.. i'm too scared to feel too much for him now.. i'm too scared taht i'm going to be played for a fool.. well.. this is the song that i thought explained everything.. i would like to think that it still did.. but i'm not sure anymore...

Alanis Morrisette "Head Over Feet"

I had no choice but to hear you
You stated your case time and again
I thought about it

You treat me like I’m a princess
I’m not used to liking that
You ask how my day was

(chorus)
You’ve already won me over in spite of me
Don’t be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don’t be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn’t help it
It’s all your fault

Your love is think and it swallowed me whole
You’re so much braver than I gave you credit for
That’s not lip service

(repeat chorus)

You are the bearer of unconditional things
You held your breath and the door for me
Thanks for your patience

You’re the best listener that I’ve ever met
You’re my best friend
Best friend with benefits
What took me so long

I’ve never felt this healthy before
I’ve never wanted something rational
I am aware now
I am aware now

(repeat chorus)

Everything from being treated like a princess to never feeling so healthy before.. that was me.. this song.. was me.. now.. i'm too scared to admit that this is me.. and i'm not even sure if it is anymore.. i'm just so scared.. the events of today totally shattered my picture perfect image of our relationship.. now i'm left with the pieces.. now i'm left trying to put it back together.. i just hope all the pieces are there..

Gosh..

Gosh.. I haven't been here in the longest time. Sheesh.. more than a week. That's a long time in my terms. Considering I've been used to blogging everyday. Work is finally catching up to me and I no longer have as much free time as I used to for blogging my inner most thoughts and concerns. In fact, I should be asleep now.. but i can't.. so I'm here.. It seemed like the place to leave this..

I just came back from a formal debut for a family friend. Took Justyn with me. Our first formal outting. Our first real "primarily filipino" outing..

Made me realize something that I hadn't thought about before...

How different is too different?

If opposites attract... then are our differences not "opposite" of each other? Are our differences just differences? Am I making sense? There is a difference between different and opposite.. and if opposites attract.. then do differences repel?

I love him so so so much. And I also realized how much I love him tonight, by the way.. anyway.. I love him so much.. but we both grew up very very very very very differently. We see life through very different eyes. Im not saying that how he grew up was bad.. and i'm not saying that the way i grew up was bad.. just different of each other.

It never used to bother me before... i've date guys out of my culture all the time.. but it's different with him. I guess I'm just expecting him to adapt to it sooner than the other because of the fact that this will be part of his life. He's marrying into this. So he has to get used to it..

I just didn't realize that I, too, had to do the same thing concerning his side.

Gosh..

Too tired for anything..

I'm feeling highly lethargic.. I dont want to do anything.. see anything.. hear anything.. or talk to anyone. I even told Justyn not to come over for awhile.. i'm just not in the mood to be someone's significant other right now.. I'm just so tired and inexplicably frustrated about i have no idea..

There really isn't anything that should be bothering me.. its not like he and i have started that whole 'religion' discussion... but i know that it might have something to do with it. He opened a can of worms and even though we haven't formally dealt with it.. i know it's bothering me. I know it's gonna start taking a toll on things... namely.. me..

I just don't feel like talking to anyone or interacting with anyone.. i'm so sick of things here at work.. at home.. with everything and everyone..

I know i'm not slipping again.. but i just feel like i really need to be left alone right now.. completely alone.. no one tell me what to do.. where to go.. who to see.. anything.. i just need to be alone.. i need some 'me-time' for awhile.. and i can't do that cuz there is so much going on that i need to be around everyone.. i just feel like i'm on the edge of a nervous breakdown and the more people i have around me.. the more i'm going to be pushed over the edge.. especially today..

There are things right now i can't explain because I don't even know it myself.. but i'm on the edge here.. i'm so close to just having a nervous breakdown i dont' know how to stop it. I just want to take the box cutters and just slash my wrists into shreds and just bang my head against the table to knock myself out forever. I just want to kill myself today.. so much.. it's never been stronger... i'm going over the edge and i dont' know why.. i reallydon't know why..

If i knew why.. maybe i could do something to change it.. but i can't cuz i have no idea of what's going on.. i dont' know what i'm doing or why i'm doing it or what i'm feeling or why i'm feeling it.. i just am..

I can't stop dozing off to sleep.. especially when i'm driving.. i can't stop sleeping here at work too.. or at home.. and i just snap at everyone.. even when they aren't doing anything wrong..

I don't understand what's going on in me.. or why i'm all of a sudden back to where i was a couple of months ago.. but it seems like it's so much worse..

Things are going to get complicated...

So he did it.. the other day he brought up the one thing that I have been dreading to settle for a long time.. he brought up.. religion.. bum bum bum...

He's right.. we need to start working on it.. we've got less that 14 months before it's our turn to walk down that isle and we need to really figure out what we are going to do. I know that the both of us are going to go into it with a relatively open mind but what about the parentals. I don't know much about how his parents are going handle it but i know its going to be hard on them.

This is going to be rough on the both of us as it is.. and then i have to add my parents to the picture?

I need the Lord's help more than ever. I have been turning to God and to the church and to the Blessed Sacrament since he's said that we should start settling it. I need spiritual guidance and comfort. I need parental support but they are the ones i am scared to discuss this with. So i can turn to Justyn, but he's part of the issue too. Not that it's a bad thing. It's just that what I need is someone impartial. Someone NOT involved. Someone without a strong opinion of where it is supposed to go. I know both sides are going to say that it needs to lean towards their way more. I feel the same way. But i know compromise is the only thing we can do.

I have always dreamed of having a nice, simple Catholic wedding with a nice, simple Catholic boy. Going to church together, baptisms, CCD classes, confirmation. Watching our family growing up together with the Catholic Church being a big part of my life. I wanted to see my kids serve as little alter servers, then become lectors and eucharistic ministers. Marry a nice Catholic boy or girl and have the cycle continue.

I mean.. I'm a Religious Educator for God's sakes! I am going to teach children about their first Confession and maybe someday about their first Holy Communion. It would suck so bad if my own children wont be able to go to those classes. It'd be almost like a slap to my face not to be able to put my children through those classes. I'm a teacher at the church and my children won't be able to participate in those church programs.. especially since i teach them???

This is a very, very touchy subject for me and him. We both have dreams and visions that we see our children having. But we know that we have to compromise. And it's so so soo so so so hard. I am dreading talking about this. I am really not looking forward to this and I am so scared of what it could possibly do to the happiness that we just recently re-found.

We are going to have much strain between us as we deal with this. And then we have to deal with the stress that we will go through once we tell our parents what we decided. This is all going to so hard.

I need to turn to the Lord for guidance and prayers and intercesion. I know that He's only going to do what is best for me and Justyn. And I know that you can't appreciate the calm before the storm.. or something like that. I just need to know that God is on our side and that He isn't going to do anything to cause us harm. He know's whats best and He is only going to guide us toward the right path.

I just hope that my parents will understand how hard this time is going to be for me and that the decisions i make are going to be thought of very carefully with the help of both of our church leaders. I just want them to understand how hard this is for me. Just thinking about it makes my stomach turn.

Okay.. do you know what's going on???

Okay.. someone please tell me what is going on! Oh my gosh.. so this feeling of anticipation that i'm feeling is rapidly turning into a fear that something not-so-good is going to happen.. i don't know what it is.. but i have a feeling that things are going to quickly go down hill from here again for awhile.

Now i'm going to try my hardest not to let that happen.. but i don't know why this is happening. Is it possible to be too happy for too long a period of time? I mean.. everything has been going well between him and I... now i had this gawd-awful dream and now i feel like this. Is it all in my head or is it something I should be worried about? I just feel like something is going to go against us and it's just going to be another obstacle that we are gonna have to tackle. I just hope that is not the case.,. but i don't know.. and now i'm scared..

What do I do? Do i ignore these feelings or shoud I acknowlege them and see where they take me? I want to fight this. I don't want anything bad to happen between the both of us. We have both gone through way too much for us to deal with issues again.. i just have a feeling that we are in for some rocky times. I can't tell you whether its between him and I or if it's against the both of us. I'm scared and I wish I knew what was going on. But for now.. i'm going to not let it get to me.. i hope.. i really really hope.. geez..

Dear God,

Please watch over us and make sure that nothing really bad happens to us or between us. I trust that You will guide us along the paths that we are choosing for ourselves and for our relationship. Please continue to grace us with Your presence and never let us out of Your sight.

In Jesus name, I pray.

Amen