Disaster..

I feel like my world just fell apart.. the one person I trusted not to hurt me like this.. just did.. and I know that it's not a big deal to him.. and I know that I've probably done a lot worse to him in the past.. but i'm still hurt.. i don't know.. i dont' know what to think anymore..

I just feel like I'm starting to head down that same path again.. part of me is saying to just end it now.. let it go before it's a whole repeat of your history with men.. spare myself further pain.. but the other part of me still believes that he is the one.. and that he truly and sincerely loves me.. and that we are destined to spend the rest of our lives togheter..

I just feel so shaken up right now.. like i don't know what to believe anymore.. i have given so much of myself to him and to this relationship that i feel like i dont know what to do.. i know this is only ONE TIME.. but it only takes ONE TIME to make things shakey.. and although i know i've done worse in the past.. i'm not as strong as him.. i'm not like him at all..

I never expected this to happen between him and I. I always considered our relationship to be so great and so special cuz i knew how much he loved me and i knew how faithful he was to me.. but the words.. the comments.. the website.. it haunts me to the point where i can't even think of going on to his site right now.. or ever..

I always thrived on knowing how strong our relationship was. I changed so much of my old ways to make sure he had no more questions about my love for him. Conversations with that particular person he hates ceased in the flirtation department after i made it clear to that person that i was in love with Justyn and that there was no chance between us ever even having a fling.. now... we hardly talk.. and if he does talk to me.. its always about jobs.. My old flirtatious was with Kar-el have ceased too.. now it's a rare 'just droppin' in to say hi' cuz i've abandoned his.. and everyone elses profiles.. no intentionally.. but it just didn't seem necessary because i was perfectly satisfied with the attention i was getting from Justyn alone.. I didn't feel it necessary anymore to get flirtatious attention or to give out flirtatious attention to anyone else.. It hurts me to think that he still felt like he needed that from someone else.. like i wasn't enough.. because he was enough to me.. i didn't need anyone else.. apprently he still did..

Now i don't know what to think.. on my way home from work.. i stopped by the Starbucks and bought the new Alanis Morrissette "Jagged Little Pill" acoustic version.. I had forgotten how great the CD was.. and with it all being in acoustic version.. it's a million times better.. anyway.. i was listening to the CD.. and i came across that song "Head Over Feet" and I immediately thought of my relationship with Justyn and how that song seemed to really explain how I really felt about him and our relationship... i really felt so sure that this was our relationship.. but now.. i feel so foolish and stupid for feeling this.. i'm too scared to feel too much for him now.. i'm too scared taht i'm going to be played for a fool.. well.. this is the song that i thought explained everything.. i would like to think that it still did.. but i'm not sure anymore...

Alanis Morrisette "Head Over Feet"

I had no choice but to hear you
You stated your case time and again
I thought about it

You treat me like I’m a princess
I’m not used to liking that
You ask how my day was

(chorus)
You’ve already won me over in spite of me
Don’t be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don’t be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn’t help it
It’s all your fault

Your love is think and it swallowed me whole
You’re so much braver than I gave you credit for
That’s not lip service

(repeat chorus)

You are the bearer of unconditional things
You held your breath and the door for me
Thanks for your patience

You’re the best listener that I’ve ever met
You’re my best friend
Best friend with benefits
What took me so long

I’ve never felt this healthy before
I’ve never wanted something rational
I am aware now
I am aware now

(repeat chorus)

Everything from being treated like a princess to never feeling so healthy before.. that was me.. this song.. was me.. now.. i'm too scared to admit that this is me.. and i'm not even sure if it is anymore.. i'm just so scared.. the events of today totally shattered my picture perfect image of our relationship.. now i'm left with the pieces.. now i'm left trying to put it back together.. i just hope all the pieces are there..