Baseball..

Life throws you many, many different kinds pitches..

If you wanna relate your life to baseball.. I guess.. it just means you gotta be prepared to hit what ever life throws at you.. sometimes.. you miss.. sometimes you do hit it.. and it just goes in all sorts of odd directions.. and sometimes you hit it.. and someone catches and ruins everything.. or sometimes you hit it.. and it rolls around before someone grabs a hold of it and ruins everything.. sometimes.. you hit it.. and it gets tossed around.. but you still succeed..

And then.. there are those chance moments when you hit the ball outta the park.. HOME RUN!

I'm still waiting for my home run.. but I've always sucked at baseball..

"We're all in this together.."

It can go in ANY direction..

I'm at a point in my life that I can go in any direction..

I may or may not be working at my workplace by the beginning of September.. my contract ends September 1st.. and I did apply for a permanent position.. but I don't know if i'm going to get it.. I would love to.. but I just don't know.. no one is saying anything.. and i'm kinda too scared to ask..

I am not getting married anymore.. at least not next year.. so.. I don't really have to plan on completely settling down and starting to deal with the realities of married life and possible family life..

My life could go anywhere..

I was thinking of changing careers.. going into nursing if I don't get this permanent position.. the local community college has a program where you can "go up a ladder" in a career in nursing.. starting with being an LVN.. working for awhile.. then go back to school for another 2 years to become an RN.. then.. I'd work more and then enroll at this other school to work on my Bachelors Degree and eventually a Masters Degree in Nursing..

It's a good thought.. but I am also realzing that I did get a good bachelors degree in Biotechnology.. which my parents worked really hard to pay for me to get.. and why waste it? So.. I'm having second thoughts about this career change..

Offering it up to the Lord..

I guess that's all I can do.. is just offer up my future.. where ever the Lord takes me.. who knows.. I may just get sent into a while different direction than I am anticipating right now..

It's human nature to be frustrated and impatient about the unknown.. it's overcoming the humanity.. that's faith..

I am still thinking about getting a theology degree at a Catholic University down in San Diego.. I'd like that.. I think it'd be interesting.. maybe specialize in Scripture.. or Catholic history..

What ever direction the Lord takes me.. I should follow wholeheartedly.. I just hope that when he does start showing me where to go.. my eyes will be open enough to realize that I am being led somewhere..

Glamorous!

I've been waiting..

Wow.. what a weekend..

Rehearsal was RIDICULOUS! Hahah.. ok.. here's the part where I complain about stuff..

First off.. I'm NOT a runner. I don't run. I dance. There is a difference. I can dance, a lot, and I won't get excruciatingly tired. But if I have to run, oh boy.. I will NEVER recover!

The choreographer for the show had us run four laps around the theater block. It's not THAT bad.. and to be honest.. I have been wanting to start running.. but still.. FOUR LAPS.. for someone that hasn't really ran since her high school days.. that's A LOT OF RUNNING!

I know he meant well.. to build up the stamina so that we are able to get through the entire show without really exhausting ourselves.. and like I said.. I have been wanting to start running.. but I thought that I'd be able to go at it at a much slower pace... and it's not like it was running.. it was more like jogging.. but still..

I have bad knees..

My knees are what have been making me hesitant to start running.. but I really have been wanting to..

We'll see.. but my shins are hurting.. my poor legs aren't used to that kinda abuse.. hahah!

Oh well.. and he wants to do that every saturday.. hmm.. looks like i'll be coming late every saturday rehearsal.. hahaha!

All sorts of busy..

I have been living all sorts of busy lately.. being in the show is really starting to take it's toll on me.. this rehearsal schedule is killing me. I mean.. maybe it wasn't so bad if the theater was within 5 - 10 minutes from me.. but this theater is a good 20 - 30 minutes from me.

I suddenly remember why I've been so hesitant to branch out and do theater in other cities.. it's because of the horrendous driving..

I mean.. I guess I'm having fun.. I think it's cuz i'm the oldest of the "high school students" cast in this show.. and by at least 10 years of a difference.. that I really don't feel like I mesh well with the cast. I mesh well with the music director and choreographer.. only because I have worked with them sooo many times in the past.

I guess it also has something to do with the fact that I have been working/singing with adults so much, especially when i do stuff in Rancho for the Victoria Gardens Cultural Center..

I love the show.. I love the music.. it's fun no-brainer type stuff... and being able to dance again is GREAT.. but argh.. I feel like i'm getting too old for all of this!

Combating the darkness..

I've decided that I must not dwell in this "dark night" any longer. I think I've mulled over it for way too long and there is no other way out that to physically get myself out.

I think that the only way to really get out of this is to completely embrace the faith that has brought me into it. God gave this to me for a reason, and I believe it was to fully be able to understand why and how I believe in my Catholic faith. By immersing myself in it's teachings and message, I think I am finding my way out of this dark night by finding the inspiration and love of the Lord that I felt I had been missing for the past few weeks..

We believe in one God, the Father, the Almighty, maker of heaven and earth, of all that is seen and unseen. We believe in one Lord, Jesus Christ, the only Son of God, eternally begotten of the Father, God from God, Light from Light, true God from true God, begotten, not made, one in being with the Father. Through Him all things were made. For us men and our salvation He came down from heaven: by the power of the Holy Spirit, He was born of the Virgin Mary , and became man. For our sake He was crucified under Pontius Pilate; He suffered, died, and was buried. On the third day He rose again in fulfillment of the scriptures: He ascended into heaven and is seated at the right hand of the Father. He will come again in glory to judge the living and the dead, and his kingdom will have no end. We believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord, the giver of life, who proceeds from the Father and the Son. With the Father and the Son, He is worshiped and glorified. He has spoken through the Prophets. We believe in one, holy, catholic, and apostolic Church. We acknowledge one baptism for the forgiveness of sins. We look for the resurrection of the dead, and the life of the world to come. Amen.

This is what I believe.. this is what I embrace.. this is what is going to take away my dark night.. this is what I will use to combat my dark night.. this is what will save me from the darkness..

When the world.. explodes..

My dark night of the soul..

If I could.. I go to church everyday. If I could.. If I had the time, I'd visit the Blessed Sacrament everyday.. at least until I feel like God is with me again..

Yes.. my dark night of the soul.. when I feel most abandoned by the one that I put my full faith and trust in.. I know that I am not abandoned. In fact, I am sure that it is this time in my life that He is probably most closest to me.

It always seem to feel that He isn't there with me. I know that couldn't be further from the truth. He is always there, holding my hand, watching over me and guiding me. But I still feel so alone.

It's hard to make myself believe otherwise. And I think that is why I really have that need to visit the Church as often as possible. I think that is why I have this deep longing to visit the Blessed Sacrament. I just don't have the time, nor the availability.

My parish has exposition on the first Friday of the month and it's passed already.. so I have to wait til next month.. there are parishes in Riverside with perpetual adoration.. but I don't have time.. but I think that i should one of these days.. I really think I should..

I just need to be in that physical presense.. maybe that will help.. I just dont know..

I pray that this dark night passes soon..

Footloose and fancyfree...

If he took the picture at the point that I had stretched my arm up a little more.. it'd be perfect.. right now.. I just look like I have bad posture.. hahah!

I think I have stuffed my life with so many things right now that I am numb to all that I am supposed to be feeling. Now that I have a day off and now that I don't have much to do I feel so many things that I know I have been running away from.. Darn..

Happy Fourth of July!

May everyone have fun and enjoy the fireworks!

All that time..

I had an eventful weekend. I went to Disneyland and got my premium annual pass. It means I can go to Disneyland any time I want to! Ya baby!

I went to rehearsal and went out to dinner with some castmates. That was fun. It was nice to feel included in a group of people again. I have separated myself so much from life and everyone since the breakup. I'm slowly making my way back as a member of civilized society.

I just want everything fixed. Together or not.. I just want things to have a sense of certainty, and direction. I'm not one for this "one-day-at-a-time" business.. though I am learning.

I also know that God has His way of guiding me. I'm open to whatever He has for me.. though I'm still very discouraged at the fact that He allowed all this madness to happen in the first place.. I'm human and I'm allowed my moments of weakness.. but I also have to trust in Him.. it's a daily struggle that I hope will get easier in time..