You dig?!?!

I feel bad..

So.. I realized that I have been blogging less and less as time goes on.

Is it a lack of "blogging material?"

No. I highly doubt it.

Is it lack of time?

It's possible.

Is it laziness?

That would have to be a majority of it.

It's that I have nothing to talk about. You all know me. i always have something to talk about. It's just that I run out of time during the day, and then when I do find time, I'm too lazy to come on here and blog it.

Oh well. I'm obviously trying to change it. I hope. I've got a lot of catching up to do and a lot of things in my mind. So I guess it's the perfect time to really start blogging again.

Like.. since I'm embarking on this new "thing." I have learned things about myself and how I interact with the opposite sex. I realized that I used to thrive on the drama. I used to think that creating drama or being in drama would show how much the guy would like me or is into me. But eventually the drama would get out of hand and I would just get sick of it all.

This time around. No drama.

I'm not even looking for it. I'm not going to create it.

Whatever happens, happens. And I will not use drama to encourage or discourage anything.

That is my vow.

Prep.. prep.. prep..

Learning idiosyncracies.. so soon.. too soon?

Or is it just easier to know it all now instead of months down the road and then having to deal with it then cuz you've pretty much accepted the dooood for what he is..

If I learn it now.. I can take it and run..

That's the way to put it.. that's the way I'm going to apply it.

It's kinda like that song from my favorite musical "The Last Five Years."

Did I just hear an alarm start ringing?
Did I see sirens go flying past?
Though I don't know what tomorrow's bringing
I've got a singular impression
Things are moving too fast

I'm gliding smooth as a figure skater
I'm riding hot as a rocket blast
I just expected it ten years later
I've got a singular impression
Things are moving too fast

And you say, "Oh, no
Step on the brakes
Do whatever it takes
But stop this train
Slow, slow! The light's turing red"
But I say: No! No!
Whatever I do
I barrel on through
And I don't complain
No matter what I try
I'm flying full speed ahead
I'm never worried to walk the wire
I won't do anything just "half-assed"
But with the stakes getting somewhat higher
I've got a singular impression things are moving too fast

Thats' just a part of the song.. the rest kinda gets into the story line, and doesn't make sense for what I'm trying to say right now. Actually.. I don't really remember what I am trying to say.. Oh well..

Life is too whirlwind for me to really pay attention to what's going on. I gotta make sure my feet stay on the ground!

There you go again..

I'm sitting here, and I should be starting on this paper, but I'm finding it hard to find the focus to get this done.

It's been happening a lot with this class. I think a lot of it has to do with what I percieve as a high disinterest coming from the professor. Seriously. He doens't engage in stimulating discussion. He doesn't provide proper feedback. He is not cool at all. But I guess it's a class and every professor is different and I just have to adjust. I only have two weeks left of this class. I shouldn't worry.

Life has defnitely interesting. I think that's another reason i'm finding it hard to concentrate on anything. Suddenly, my life is this whirlwind of friends and hanging out and social stuff. I thought that now would be a good time to go back to school because my social life was currently stagnant. Oh well.. it's kinda like Murphy's Law.. right?!

Oh well.. I gotta get back and try to figure this homework stuff out..

Blah.

Motion sickness

These past few months of my life have been an absolute rollercoaster.

If I had finally let it all get to me, I think I would have driven myself absolutely INSANE.

I think I have been doing a pretty good job distancing myself from most of it. A good safe distance to avoid getting sucked in the void that I usually get sucked into.

With all the twists and turns.. I can still say to people that I'm happy. I can still tell people that life has been nothing but ups.. and that's only because I have been ignoring the downs..

I think God likes to mess with me. I think He likes to mess with all of us. It's his way of amusing Himself. And I'm not saying all of this in a bad way, oh no.

I think He likes to do this to us to show us that we are stronger than we think we are. He does this to make sure that we don't think that we don't need Him anymore. He does this to remind us that He is in our lives, that He is always here to help us when we need it. But also, that we can get through anything, especially with His help.

I can't hate anymore. I am incapable of hating anything in my life. Knowing that everything I have and everything I experience is God-given.. I can't hate. I can't sit here and say "I hate my life..'

That's like saying "I hate God and what He's given me."

I just can't do that. I don't hate God. I love all that He has given me. All the ups and the downs, all blessings, all gifts.

But I can't help but feel a little motion sickness through these twists and turns..

So if I have one request to God.. it would be to.. soften the ride.. just a little..

I fall to pieces..

I am not used to moving THIS SLOW..

But it's also fairly nice. I'm not used to it all.. not at all.. but it's a nice change of pace.

I honestly don't think that it's going to get anywhere past this. That's probably because I'm really not used to this pace.. but I'm having fun along the way. If I get hurt, then that's just my bad for falling so fast.. like I always do.

I realize that I do fall pretty fast and pretty hard everytime. It's taking every ounce of strength that I have from stopping myself from really lettiing myself get all crazy about things this time around. I don't want to get hurt and that is helping me a lot from really allowing myself to feel things.

I know that I'm having fun. That's all that matters right now.

I'm living in a brighter world..

The ups.. the downs.. life..

Serious.

I mean.. it's a relative.. isn't it? What is my up.. could be your down.. and what is my down.. could most certainly be your up. It's all relative.

I may seem like I am having such a hard time getting through these classes, but someone else would give anything for the opportunity to go back to school. So, I shouldnt' complain.

I don't want to complain, it's just that everytime I come here to enter a blog entry, that is the only thing that comes out of my fingertips.. it seems to be the only thing on my mind.

Well.. there is more.. but I could make it rather complicated, when it's really all very simple.

If there is a person, that seems like it could potentially be a good thing.. should I go for it.. even if there is a good hour and some distance between us??!

Well??

It's what everyone says..

So.. school is supposed to be a good thing. Why is it driving me insane? I feel so pressured by deadlines and papers and questions. I feel like I will never catch up. I thought I was cool because I totally was ahead of schedule last week.. but nooo.. I feel totally behind this week and it's just not right.

I think I am definitely staying up late today.. and not just because I'll be on the phone talking to a boy or anything. I will be up late because I am determined to get things finished tonight.

No night but tonight and I really need to stay focused.

Lord, please grant me focus today when I get home so that I can study straight and not have to stay up too late. Please? Thank you!

Prayers people.. prayers!