I need to learn to blog more frequently again..

Life is getting too busy for me to keep up with all these blogs and blog sites.. but i guess it's ok.. cuz the less frequent i tend to visit the blogs.. then.. the more things i should be able to blog about.. right? Probably not.. but I do have a bone to pick...

I have a bone to pick with my loverly boyfriend.. mr. "whenever you miss me.. i'm just a phone call away.." BULLSHIT!!!

Well.. let's see.. it seems like every single time i call him around this time and it's unexpected.. homeboy never seems to be home..

This is the guy that used to chew me out cuz i woudl complain about how much we would never talk on the phone.. or how little time we spend with each other.. and he would tell me that i could also make an effort by calling him too.. well.. see.. i call.. and HE ISN'T THERE.. in fact.. his mother says she doesn't know where the boy is.. hmmm...

Now.. i trust him and i know he isn't doing anything he shouldn't be.. but sheesh.. it seems like he's out of the house any moment he gets.. and i have one thing to say about that.. HMPH!

It's getting to the point that i'm just gonna stop calling.. i'm gonna stop trying to call around this time of the day.. i had a feeling that he wouldn't be home.. but i took a chance anyway.. just in case.. cuz i mean.. you never know.. right.. argh.. this isn't cool anymore.. sigh..

If God is a DJ...

If God is a DJ.. like it says in Pink's song.. then.. he's able to read blogs.. that's why I started another one here on this nifty blog site.. it's pretty personal.. and it digs deep into my mind.. deeper than these blogs.. cuz.. ya.. i'm SO DEEP...

Actually it get's quite personal.. i mean.. these are the things I would tell God if he were an actual person that I could actually talk to and get some actual feedback.. now i know that i can always talk to God.. but sometimes.. i feel like i'm just rambling on.. i know He hears me.. but my favorite form of communication has always been writing stuff down..

I know I'm not the best writer.. but you know.. i'm a science geek and i was never fond of writing conventionally.. i write how i think.. but if i necessarily have to.. i can write a pretty good school paper or whatever..

Gotta continue getting ready for work.. perhaps i'll continue this later.. when i already AM at work.. dun dun dun..

Man, oh man, oh man...

Countdown to going home.. soon.,. so very, very soon...

ARGH!!!!

This morning's traffic was great.. there was none.. smooth sailing all the way.. now.. if only God would grace me with that fortune EVERY morning.. then.. i wouldn't have to complain so much!

One more thing.. chocolate when you have a cough.. BAD! It apparently makes your cough SOOO much worse.. so ya.. stay away from the chocolate.. i should be telling myself this..

Ooooh.. if anyone is looking to buy me something for Christmas.. not that anyone I really know reads this.. um.. i need another keyboard protector thingy..

I have an Apple iBook G4... therefore.. i need an iSkin to cover my keyboard.. mine is slowly getting worn out.. soon.. the microscopic holes won't be so microscopic anymore.. some of the letters are clearly over used when you look at my keyboard protector.. you can see the wear and tear on certain letters and buttons.. like the space bar..

Well.. i guess i can wait til the next occasion.. or something..

I started a new blog..

I started a new blog on this site.. but it doesn't mean that I am neglecting this one.. really.. i swear.. even though it's been a couple of days since ive been on this.. oops.. my bad..

i shouldn't really be blogging right now.. i've got some things to do and i should be doing those instead of blogging here..

I'm sick and I have things i need to finish before i can rest.. i'm even skipping out on a ccd teacher's party that i shoudl be going to cuz i'm so under the weatehr.. i just want to lie down and watch many many movies.. so maybe that's what i'll do.. so i need to finish all that i can so that i can get it donw..

ok.. and i cant' type well.. tha'ts a sign of the sickness.. ahhh!

Now.. what..

is it healthy for the happiness in a relationship to be this fleeting.. i mean for everyday that we are happy.. we spend at least 12 days not happy..

I'm not say that we love each other less.. taht isn't the case.. if anything.. we totally love each other more.. but our happiness.. whether it be within ourselves.. or between each other.. always fleeting..

I don't want to reassess things anymore.. becuase I am sure that we both know what we both want..

But why is it.. that the closer I feel to reaching our goal.. the farther i feel we are being pulled from it..

I want so much to believe that one of these days.. years.. we WILL get married.. he is my future.. i want no one else..

But at the same time.. i feel.. that it will never happen for us.. there is always going to be something standing in our way.. it's frustrating.. really, really frustrating..

Sigh...

Here it goes.. i'm at work.. and no one's here.. and there's NOTHING to do.. normal bosses would say to just go home.. wouldn't they? I mean.. i'm wasting company money just sitting here at blogging.. right? Well.. apparently not.. cuz i'm still here.. i'm still sitting here blogging.. nothing else to do.. sigh.. that's it.. here I am... blogging away.. no.. don't worry about me.. i'm fine in here..

I should be at home.. baking.. that's what i should be doing.. i mean it didn't take that long to bake about eighty something last night.. i started at around 5:30-6ish.. and ended around 9 ish.. and tonight.. i have to make around sixty something ish.. cuz fifty of the originial eighty something.. went with my mom to her party today..

Well.. that leaves about thirty something in my possession.. so i take it back.. i need to make about seventy something tarts today.. that isn't so bad.. i can do that.. i got the hang of it yesterday so i can crank them out.. no chilling necessary.. it was making the dough TOO flaky.. and i didn't like it too much.. so ya..

Hm.. i think i want to make a Starbucks run.. but i'm lazy.. so maybe not.. sigh..

What else is left to do but blog???

Today is my dead grandmother's birthday..

December the eighth... my mother's mother's birthday.. four days later.. it's my own mother's birthday.. that's just how it goes.. i guess..

I really don't know how old my grandmother would be if she were still alive.. maybe in her eighties.. i think she died in her seventies.. all i remember was that it was the summer before my senior year... in june.. we had just gotten out of school.. i didn't have to go to color guard practices yet.. so it was a good thign cuz i didn't miss out on anything..

I cried when she died.. i also got really pissed off at my boyfriend at the time.. we had pulled the life support off of my grandmother.. so we watched her die.. my boyfrend was not around to comfort me.. he was packing for his vacation.. left me all alone.. he was going on vacation by himself to visit family.. it wasn't like it was a whole familything.. it was just him going somewhere else..

He left me alone.. went on vacation.. while i mourned the death of my grandmother..

I don't know.. we were young.. did he have a choice to skip out on the vacation to be with me.. at that time i was really hoping he would.. if he loved me as much as he claimed.. he would have.. wouldn't he??

Whatever.. its old news now..

My grandmother was nice.. but it was very obvious from the beginning she liked my brother more than me.. she blamed me for everything.. i'm not speaking ill of the dead.. because in other instances she was great.. she loved me.. i guess.. and i was sad when she died.. but i don't think it really hit me as hard as it hit everyone else in the family..

Even then.. i guess i was the black sheep..

She was the grandmother that told me that i coudlnt' sing.. and i probably couldn't at the time.. but it scarred me for life.. and til now.. i'm still VERY insecure about my singing voice..

It's my grandmother on my dad's side that i'm very close to.. she loves me and I know it... she'll just call every so often cuz she says she thinks of me and all of us here in the states.. she tells me how hard it is to deal with grandpa being a baby.. wife-y gab.. it's cute.. they are the cutest lil couple you've ever seen..

They are always taking care of each other.. when they walk.. they are always holding hands.. they love me.. and i know they do.. and they always show it when they are around..

I know that when it is their time to go.. that it is really going to affect me big time.. more so than my other grandmother.. and i saw my other grandmother a lot more than i saw my father's parents..

I was just hoping that i woudl be able to get married soon enough to where they were still healthy enough to fly out here to witness it all.. but my grandfather is getting old and he keeps saying that he's getting too old to fly.. and to travel.. but i'm still praying that i'd be getting married soon enough to have them come out here..

It's amazing the path my blogs take when i start talking about one thing.. and end up on a whole new subject..

And there was muuuusic...

I actually have a chance to blog today! Yay!

Today I'm just catching up with the paper work I neglected because I was in such a hurry to get out of here yesterday.. that i left the paper work to do today.. thank God for not piling on anything else just yet... I'm catching up with my paper work and then i'll clean up the lab.. dun.. dun.. dun..

Can you imagine me.. cleaning up... pshh-shaw!

Yawn..

I'm sleepy.. I've been sleepy all week. I think its the weather. This is the kind of weather in which all you want to do is cuddle in a bed full of pillows and a nice warm comforter and just sleep through the day.. without a care in the world.. just sleep.. man.. that would be nice..

Sigh..

Christmas is coming up and this is the first time i have acutally been stressed out about it.. i feel like i don't have enough time to do everything i need to do before christmas.. i feel like i've fallen behind.. or like i should have started in november or something..

Since when has the holidays become stressful for me????

I guess I'll just blog here!

Today is just one of those days that i just seem to be floating through.. one of those days taht you don' treally care what happens.. i'm just living my life.. and i don't want to be bothered..

And today.. was i bothered!!! My boss would not leave me alone to do my own work.. when he saw that i was obviously occupied by a million things.. i mean.. i can multi-task.. but a girl can only do so much before she fries her brain.. you know what i mean.. and i swear that my brain is almost totally fried..

Well.. i guess that's really all there is to discuss.. there isn't much cuz my mood doesn't allow it to be..

There was no music in my heart tonight...

I should be greatful that I'm in the lab. It is better than being stuck in the office doing nothing.. right?

Maybe it's because today is the non-thinking day and I was made to think. Actually think. Think.. think.. think.. but i don't want to think. I can't think cuz my mind is so not here today. My mind is gone. I'm so sleepy too.

I still have two hours in the God-forsaken facility!

Twenty minutes til the timer goes off..

NAPTIME!

Miserable..

Yes.. I'm miserable.. I'm at work.. duh!

I'm tired.. my stomach is bothering me... I have a headache the size of mt rushmore.. all i want to do is go home and sleep for days on end.. no.. just forever and ever and ever..

I can't wait til the day someone tells me that i don't have to work anymore but i'll be fully supported financially for the rest of my life.. yes.. that will be the life.. i'll just end up stressing myself with other things like.. chidlren.. house.. the "supporters" bills.. sigh..

I don't know what's better.. a working career woman.. or a housewife.. i guess they both have their down sides.. but at least as a housewife.. you life by your own rules.. not by the rules of some corporate office or boss..

I also can't wait for the day that I don't have to come into work here.. and i can work from home with a business of my own.. like the gifting business that i want to start.. making my own hours.. setting my own rules..

I guess you can say that i'm the type of person that likes to live by my rules.. i don't like being told what to do.. i like to do things my way.. in my own terms.. if i mess up.. then that's MY mess that I have to fix.. it was my conscious decision.. i made it.. now i have to lie in it..

I guess that's my philosophy..

Needless to say.. i'm finding it very difficult to live like that.. with everyone having their opinions on how i should live my life.. and me.., hesitantly listening to avoid conflict..

It's the "libra" in me.. always wanting balance.. even if that means sacrificing myself..