Today is my dead grandmother's birthday..

December the eighth... my mother's mother's birthday.. four days later.. it's my own mother's birthday.. that's just how it goes.. i guess..

I really don't know how old my grandmother would be if she were still alive.. maybe in her eighties.. i think she died in her seventies.. all i remember was that it was the summer before my senior year... in june.. we had just gotten out of school.. i didn't have to go to color guard practices yet.. so it was a good thign cuz i didn't miss out on anything..

I cried when she died.. i also got really pissed off at my boyfriend at the time.. we had pulled the life support off of my grandmother.. so we watched her die.. my boyfrend was not around to comfort me.. he was packing for his vacation.. left me all alone.. he was going on vacation by himself to visit family.. it wasn't like it was a whole familything.. it was just him going somewhere else..

He left me alone.. went on vacation.. while i mourned the death of my grandmother..

I don't know.. we were young.. did he have a choice to skip out on the vacation to be with me.. at that time i was really hoping he would.. if he loved me as much as he claimed.. he would have.. wouldn't he??

Whatever.. its old news now..

My grandmother was nice.. but it was very obvious from the beginning she liked my brother more than me.. she blamed me for everything.. i'm not speaking ill of the dead.. because in other instances she was great.. she loved me.. i guess.. and i was sad when she died.. but i don't think it really hit me as hard as it hit everyone else in the family..

Even then.. i guess i was the black sheep..

She was the grandmother that told me that i coudlnt' sing.. and i probably couldn't at the time.. but it scarred me for life.. and til now.. i'm still VERY insecure about my singing voice..

It's my grandmother on my dad's side that i'm very close to.. she loves me and I know it... she'll just call every so often cuz she says she thinks of me and all of us here in the states.. she tells me how hard it is to deal with grandpa being a baby.. wife-y gab.. it's cute.. they are the cutest lil couple you've ever seen..

They are always taking care of each other.. when they walk.. they are always holding hands.. they love me.. and i know they do.. and they always show it when they are around..

I know that when it is their time to go.. that it is really going to affect me big time.. more so than my other grandmother.. and i saw my other grandmother a lot more than i saw my father's parents..

I was just hoping that i woudl be able to get married soon enough to where they were still healthy enough to fly out here to witness it all.. but my grandfather is getting old and he keeps saying that he's getting too old to fly.. and to travel.. but i'm still praying that i'd be getting married soon enough to have them come out here..

It's amazing the path my blogs take when i start talking about one thing.. and end up on a whole new subject..