We kiss in the shadows..

The show's over.. yet.. the songs remain in my head.. this is going to last a long while.. especially since its Rodgers and Hammerstein.. those songs stick to me like white on rice.. oh yes..

My head hurts.. and my jaw hurts.. and no.. i'm not quoting that britney spears video.. but my jaw really does hurt.. and it's cuz i've been really tense again lately.. and clenching my jaw again.. i don't know what it is that makes me do that.. but it's going on.. and well.. mah jahw herts..

Sigh.. "but i keep.. rolling on.."

Downward spiral.. revisited..

I'm know i'm getting depressed again.. so i have two choices...

1. Acknowlege it.. and fight it.. and move on..
2. Let it consume me til it's way too much again and I'm scratching at the walls trying to climb back up to normal sanity..

I choose the first one.. however.. like all things.. it's not easy.. and it's never easy.. and i don't think that these battles will ever be easy.. but i know i have a support system.. and i am starting to catch these things a lot earlier than before.

It's either that or i'm acknowleging them a lot sooner.. and dealing with them a lot sooner.. hence.. i really haven't had a terribly bad spell for a few months.. thanks to God and justyn for supporting me..

But i know i'm slipping.. I know i'm feeling it.. and i have to get over it.. and i will get over it.. there are a lot of good things in my life.. why should i dwell on the bad.. why do i have to revel over things i have no control over.. why do i stress over things i cannot change.. or speed up?

Why don't i have patience?!?!

FREEZING!

Oh my gosh!

How cold is it here in the lab?!

And it doesn't really help that I have a dull headache radiating all over my head.. argh.. today is just not my day..

I don't feel so good.. I just wish I could stay home and sleep..

I should take an advil and continue on with my day.. that should work.. I hope it works.. sleep.. sleep.. sleep.. sigh.. is the week over yet??

Exciting!

So.. I'm expanding my "crochet for a cause" and I"m going to also make scarves and baby blankets and stuff.. exciting..

Remember to keep checking on..

http://www.flickr.com/photos/artsytartsydoilies/

To check on what I've made so far.. it hasn't been updated in awhile cuz i haven't finished anything lately..

And please.. comment on what you think of them!

Nostalgia..

I was sitting here yesterday.. reading all the old posts from when justyn and first got together.. and how i felt about all of that..i deem this one the most honest cuz at the time he wasn't reading it.. in fact i didn't have any friends reading this blog..i still don't.. just justyn..

Anyway.. it's amazing that those feelings of security and of being loved that i felt back then.. are exactly the same feelings i feel right now.. and that a lot of it hasn't changed.. other than the fact that i've completely allowed my self to fall in love with him.. and that isn't a bad thing at all..

He is great.. and he knows it.. hahaha!

But really.. he's the king of the simple things i love in a relationship..

For me it has never been about what he buys me.. it's always been about what he does.. and that pertained to every guy i dated.. sure getting gifts was fun.. but is he really gonna make you a peanut butter sandwhich for lunch.. the exact way you like it.. is he really gonna drive down to have lunch with you every time you ask... is he gonna hold you tight when you need it the most.. is he going to go out of his way to make you laugh even when you think you aren't in the mood.. and you find yourself laughing anyway..

Ya... ramble.. ramble.. ramble.. but it's all true.. with him.. i know i'm cared for... with him.. i know i'm loved..

We might not have all the money in the world.. yet.. but i know we've got a lot of feeling between us and that's even better than all the money..

Tho'.. money would be nice.. really nice.. really really nice.. but ti's not whats going to make us comepletely happy..

I could not ask for more..

So.. I'm singing for my friends wedding.. edwin mccains "i could not ask for more"

Lying here with you
Listening to the rain
Smiling just to see the smile upon your face
These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive
And these are the moments I'll remember all my life
I've found all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more


Looking in your eyes
Seeing all I need
Everything you are is everything in me
These are the moments
I know heaven must exist
And these are the moments
I know all I need is this
I've found all I've waited for,yeah
And I could not ask for more


I could not ask for more than this time together
I could not ask for more than this time with you
And every prayer has been answered
Every dream I've had's come true
Yeah, right here in this moment
Is right where I'm meant to be
Here with you here with me
Yeah


These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive
And these are the moments I'll remember all my life
I've found all I've waited for, yeah
And I could not ask for more


I could not ask for more than this time together
I could not ask for more than this time with you
And every prayer has been answered
Every dream I've had's come true
Yeah, right here in this moment
Is right where I'm meant to be
Oh, here with you here with me
No, I could not ask for more
Than this love you gave me
Cause it's all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more
No, yeah
No, I could not ask for more

And I'm totally singing.. for rehearsal's sake.. and i realize how great the song lyrics are.. i mean.. they are just so full of love and emotion.. that i hope that i portray it right in the song when i sing it.. there's so much good feeling in that song.. there's such an expression of love for that other person.. i hope that i can pull it off...

She picked a good song.. i'm proud of here..

Now who's gonna sing "head over feet" from alanis morrissette at justyn's and mine's weddding??

I had no choice but to hear you
You stated your case time and again
I thought about it

You treat me like I'm a princess
I'm not used to liking that
You ask how my day was

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole
You're so much braver than I gave you credit for
That's not lip service

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

You are the bearer of unconditional things
You held your breath and the door for me
Thanks for your patience

You're the best listener that I've ever met
You're my best friend
Best friend with benefits
What took me so long

I've never felt this healthy before
I've never wanted something rational
I am aware now
I am aware now

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault


Hahahah!

I'm going to do it..

I am going to "crochet for a cause" (read entry below)

Seriously.. but I need to boost my inventory before I really get going.. and it'll start small cuz.. well.. i can't save the world immediately.. you know..

I'll start with my local soup kitchen.. and help out as much as i can with the donations.. i used to donate my time there all the time in high school.. i have always wanted to start up again... but life is catching up with me and there are always so many things to do..

And on an random ADHD note.. i think Justyn and I should start growing more spiritually together.. granted.. we're of different religions.. but our God is the same.. and prayer holds no religious boundaries..

Our priest said.. at least one minute of silent meditation.. slient prayer to God.. start donating just one minute to thank Him or to ask Him for guidance.. and if it adds up to more.. that's great..

But.. that's not something that is bound to a specific religion.. and besides.. maybe joined prayer by the both of us.. will strengthen our prayers to Him..

I wonder if Justyn would agree to it.. i mean.. since we will be married eventually.. if God permits.. our spiritual lives have to intertwine eventually.. why not start now??

Read this.. it's pretty important..

I cried tears of pity.. "crocheting for a cause..."

So.. Justyn and I went out tonight.. we ate dinner.. had a good time.. did some shopping.. you know.. hang out.. like we do occasionally..

Well.. we were getting gas when we passed by a guy.. a guy.. and old man.. going through the trash cans.. looking for cans and bottles.. and food.. every piece of food he could find.. a chip.. a part of a pretzel.. if he was lucky.. he would find a bag of a half eaten pastry.. or a box of half eaten fries or something.. and he would stash it away in a larger potato chip bag..

Gosh.. I was so hurt seeing that.. I wanted to give him the leftovers of what we didn't eat at the CPK.. but.. i was too frightened to approach him.. scared that he might get offended.. and partially cuz i really didn't know how to approach that.. i didn't know what to say.. i was.. scared..

I did the only think I knew how to at that moment..

I cried.. tears fell from my eyes.. I cried..

So.. now.. I'm thinking..

I don't need the "extra change" that I can make from doing doilies.. I should sell them.. and that money should go somewhere that can be most useful.. not my pocket.. i have enough money.. i'm making ends meet and i don't need to go to trash cans for my daily meal..

So.. I should make the doilies and sell them.. and donate that money to charities..

"Crochet for a cause"

And all the proceeds go to... whatever charity..

I can crochet stuff.. sell it.. and maybe $0.10 of every dollar goes to me.. to reimburse me for the thread.. and the rest of it goes to a charity of the moment..

From domestic poverty.. to breast cancer awareness... the charity would change every so often..

I know that the money I could possibly make won't be a lot.. but it's a start.. I would love to do this.. I just need guidance..

I've always wanted to make a difference in the world.. maybe this is my calling..

If anyone knows how to start something like this.. I would love to some help..

Man.. life.. is.. well.. uh..

So.. check it out..

I rode Justyns motorcycle yesterday.. i was a passenger.. lemme tell you.. he thinks i was exaggerating my terror.. but i wasn't.. he thinks i was exaggerating my hesitation.. but i wasn't.. but i guess.. it wasn't THAT bad.. but it sure was scary..

But I guess if he just keeps doing that every so often.. starting off VERY slow with me.. I should be ok eventually..

I know that it's important to him.. so.. I should at least try to get comfortable.. but he's really gotta ease me into it.. i mean.. really ease me.. really really really ease me..

Check this out.. comments appreciated!

So.. I found time today to take pictures of the doilies I've made so far.. since I've started up again.. I've made two.. and i'm working on a third.. pretty cool considering I've started up again for about a week..


This is the one I was working on and stopped working on when my aunt came to visit.. there wasn't much left to do on this one.. so that's why it didn't take that long to finish it.. I like it.. but I know I can do better with more practice..


This one.. I finished yesterday.. it's a simple design and I just wanted to see what it would look like.. so it's a lot smaller than the round one.. but I like it also.. I'll probably make a bigger one.. but add a little more to the pattern.. but this will do for now..


And this is the one that I'm working on now.. a lot "lacy-er" than the others.. as lacy as I currently know how to do it.. it's another pattern I thought I'd try.. I don't know if it's going to stay the same pattern or if i'll change it up the bigger I get.. we'll see..

There you have it.. the beginnings of a collection of doilies up for sale..

Oh ya.. are they even good enough to sell??? I mean.. do you think people would be willing to buy them on ebay??

Please answer!!

As long as your mine..

Ya.. well.. whatever.. i'm listening to my showtunes radio station.. and that's what's playing right now.. oh wait.. now it's RENT.. hmm.. they are playing the movie version.. not as good as the stage show's version.. i guess it's just cuz i'm so used to that version.. whatever..

Can I go home now?

I want to take a nap when i get home.. then I'm going to start a massive overhaul of my room.. i need to get rid of some of my clothings.. and i've started.. every so often i'd toss out a shirt.. or two.. or three.. i got rid of some of my skirts.. so.. that's a start..

And then I have a $50 gift card to mervyns.. i should buy work clothes.. and jeans..

All my shirts are way too short for work.. they keep riding up.. as long as they are long enough.. they work.. for work.. ya..

Again.. i wish i had more to blog about.. but i don't.. i really don't..

Sunsets.. sunrises.. and stupid me..

I wish I were a better writer.. the kind that sucks people into the blog.. to keep them coming back and commenting.. the one that initiates thought.. and interesting topics of conversation..

But even in the real world.. I find it very hard to start an engaging conversation.. it takes another person with a better way of doing so to really get me talking.. i mean.. i try.. i really do.. but i'm not a good conversationalist.. my mother is.. i am not..

I usually find myself in awkward silence with who ever i am with.. unless i am extremely comfortable with that person..

Maybe tha'ts why it's hard for me to really find someone to get acquainted with here at this new job.. this new job that isn't so new anymore.. i don't think it shoudl be considered new if i've been working here since April..

At work.. i'm a loner.. but at the theater.. with the theater people.. we bonded quickly.. so how does that work?

Am I just more comfortable with those peole in the ARTS than theSCIENCEs.. when I love them both equally??

My sad and sorry attempts at emo poetry..

Destiny brought me here
Your arms my sanctuary
Your voice cause my raging mind
To fall asleep.. be calm

Destiny brought you here
With you.. I know I'm home
Your lips, your eyes,
The warmth of your smile
With you I can go on

My life was nothing more
Than a downward spiral
Living was just a necessity
I lived though not alive

But you brought in the color
You brought in the world
Opened my eyes to wonder
Opened my heart to love

You can't get anymore.. you cant' get anymore..

Man.. ok.. so.. my whole "song and dance" idea is a really good idea that I really can't let pass.. I mean.. that is a really good idea for a tattoo.. but i'm absolutely terrified of getting one.. so.. maybe i'll get it on a t-shirt... and we'll call it even.. ya.. that seems like a good idea..

I do.. if i were braver.. would get a tattoo.. I used to want one when i was in high school.. I was pretty bad ass when i was in high school.. but i'm a professional scientist now.. and well.. that doesn't fly in the land of the professional..

And how cool would that be.. so let's put it on a shirt.. about five shirts.. so that i can always have one on hand.. and we'll call it a day!