Still adjusting to Vegas life...

So.. it's almost 1:00am.. and i should be sleeping.. i'm back in california.. my vacation is winding down.. i should be in bed.. asleep.. i miss vegas.. the fact that there was no time there.. i mean.. no time as in.. i didn't have to worry about the time there.. there were no time constraints.. i was able to just sit in front of a slot machine and not realize that an hour had past and i was still sitting there.. and i didn;'t have to worry about work or waking up early or anything..

Vacations.. pleasant.. to a point..

Have I done this one before???

I know I've quoted song lyrics on every blog.. and i don't know if i've done this one here.. I like this song.. and with all that's going on.. with schedules and sh-tuff.. well.. ok..

"Where Is Your Heart?"

I don't believe
In the smile that you leave
When you walk away
And say goodbye
Well I don't expect
The world to move underneath me
But for God's sake
Could you try?
I know that you're true to me
You're always there
You say you care
I know that you want to be mine

Where is your heart?
'Cause I don't really feel you
Where is your heart?
What I really want is to believe you
Is it so hard
To give me what I need?
I want your heart to bleed
That's all I'm asking for
Oh, where is your heart?

I don't understand
Your love is so cold
It's always me that's reaching out
For your hand
And I've always dreamed
That love would be effortless
Like a petal fallin' to the ground
A dreamer followin' his dream

Where is your heart?
'Cause I don't really feel you
Where is your heart?
What I really want is to believe you
Is it so hard
To give me what I need?
I want your heart to bleed
And that's all I'm asking for
Oh, where is your heart?

It seems so much is left unsaid
So much is left unsaid
But you can say anything
Oh, anytime you need
Baby, it's just you and me
Oh yeah

I know that you're true to me
You're always there
You say you care
I know that you want to be mine

Where is your heart?
'Cause I don't really feel you
Where is your heart?
What I really want is to believe you
Is it so hard
To give me what I need?
I want your heart to bleed
That's all I'm asking for
Oh yeah

Where is your heart?
'Cause I don't really feel you
Where is your heart?
What I really want is to believe you
Is it so hard
To give me what I need?
I want your heart to bleed
And that's all I'm asking for
Where is your heart?
Where is your heart?
Where is your heart?
Where is your heart?

Contemplative and anxious..

Yesterday was Aquarium day.. more like Long Beach Day.. we had a good time..

Today.. I woke up uneasy.. I don't know if it's the excitement of leaving for vacation tomorrow.. or if it's something else.. i know what excitement.. it's that "can't-sleep" feeling you get the night before or a couple nights before.. it's that adrenaline rush that surges through your body..

That isn't it..

Maybe it's because I won't see him for a whole week.. but that's more like a "missing you" feeling.. I have that in me.. I feel that I miss him.. and I'm sad cuz I won't see him for a whole week..

But that isn't all of it either...

It's a feeling of uneasiness that makes me want to scream and cry.. it's a "punched in the stomach" feeling.. like something bad is going to happen. Like something might happen to me that will prevent me from seeing Justyn ever again.. I dont want to think about that.. I really don't.. I don't want anything happening to me, or to Justyn... especially to him..

But this feeling woke me up at 5:00am, 7:00am, and 9:00am... and i'd had restless sleeps in between..

God, please watch over justyn and I and my family during this week. Let me come back to him as his girlfriend, as he will come back to me as my boyfriend. Continue to bless Justyn and I with these wonderful times together. Please don't let them end. Help us find direction in our relationship once again. Don't let anything happen to him.. or to me.. please, dear God. In Your Name, we pray. Amen.

The feeling.. the uneasiness is slowly being replaced with missing Justyn... but I know it will come back.. i just don't know what's wrong...

Filled beyond capacity...

I think I am filled up to the brim with life.. i am soo sick and tired of everything right now.. it is definitely time for a vacation. I think I deserve one now.. more than ever.

I just wish life was a little easier to deal with.. i wish I could see justyn more.. I wish he wasn't so tired all the time.. but it all comes with the territory.. everything is happening for good reasons.. i see that.. but my frustration is getting the best of me.. and it's clouding my judgement..

I know that after Justyn and I endure these trying times, God will bless us with the opportunity to share as much time as we can together.. God knows that he and I want this to work out more than anything else in the world.. and I know God is testing us.. seeing how much we can actually stand.. to see if we will actually survive..

I am not going to let this time apart and our work situations get to us.. and i am determined not to let it tear us apart..

It just gets so frustrating...

Uncontrollable yawning and an inexplicable craving for sweets...

Yup.. definitely going crazy.. i am slo sleepy and I soo want a chocolate chip cookie.. but i am going to feel so guilty eating one... i'll settle for an iced no sugar added mocha at the Coffee Bean.. after work.. cuz i'm still at work.. time is going by soo damn slowly.. this isn't cool..

Sigh.. there isn't much I can do to make the time go by faster.. especially here at work.

I guess it is time for a vacation. I'm excited but at the same time kind of sad because this is another week that I don't get to spend time with Justyn.. not that we spend much time during the week days as it is.. especially with his new work schedule.. and that sucks cuz we hardly see each other and then.. we hardly speak because he's so tired.. well.. and i'm tired too.. but it's nice to know that he's still around and that he still loves me..

And i guess that when we do see each other.. our memories and moments will be cherished more.. until the day that we will be able to spend every day of our life together.. if God allows..

Happy..

See that? That was only taken last week. We were happy. We messed up just once yesterday.. don't set us back to the beginning.. remember that we love each other.. and we are bound to make mistakes.. but we love each other and remember all those happy moments.. and take them into account.. we are good together.. we make each other happy..



I'm just as lost and confused as you are now.. but remembering these moments is helping find some direction.. we both still want to spend the rest our lives together.. and though we both really don't know if it's going to happen.. we need to continue working for that.. we love each other.. you said so yourself.. help me not to give up on us.. and then i can find the strenght to help you.. but i'm losing hope.. help me not lose hope..

At kung hindi ngayon...

Sigh.. so i read.. in great detail.. the lyrics to that song.. and i don't like it.., it's saying that you mean everything to me even though we can't be together.. argh.. that wasn't the idea i wanted to display., but it's ok cuz i didn't post it here.. i think i did it in FRIENDSTER.. oh well.. but i'm fixing it here.. cuz i'm retarded..

I want to try snorkeling.. but i think i'm gonna suck so i think i should try it in a swimming pool first.. but where am i gonna get a chance to go into a pool.. the summer is almost over and i haven't gone swimming or to the beach once! Doesn't that just suck! I mean.. last year.. at least i went to the beach once.. and i was all fat.. now.. i have a slightly better body and i haven't been to the beach once.. i got to wear my swim suit to the spa.. but that was about it.. good grief.. i need the beach

At least last year..i got to experience a sun-burn.. good grief.. i need to go to Thousand Oaks and go swimming.. at least once.. at Zachary's house.. this summer is not cuttin' it for me.. i've been doing nothing but wwork and yoga.. work and yoga.. i don't even get to hang out with Justyn!

Sheesh... oh well... that's life..

I'm gonna go start getting ready for tonight...

Avoiding pessimism...

I'm trying not to expect something to happen. I have faith in God and I know that He is watching over me. He's proved that to me so many times over the past few weeks. But.. with everything going so smoothly.. its hard not to think that i should get ready for the downfall.. i mean.. it always happens..

I can't be pessimistic anymore..i can't afford to live my life in pessimism.. it's what got me in trouble in the first place.. i have to try to be more positive.. but it's so hard when i've lived my life expecting the worst.. i kinda like to think that it makes the pain a little less intense.. but it never seems to take away the pain.. expecting something bad to happen doesn't take away the fact that it hurts... then.. does it really cushion the blow?

I just don't want to screw up any of the progress that we have made.. i don't want to ruin the uphill climb.. i don't want things to go bad anymore.. it's getting harder and harder to deal with.. and it's harder and harder to pick up the pieces and put them back together.. i don['t think i have the strength to do this again if something goes wrong..

I'll just have to "let it burn"..... but i'm determined not to let anything bad happen... determined..

So much for sleeping..

I can't sleep.. I'ts almost 2:00am in the morning and I'm lying in bed.. not sleeping..

I have just discovered the joys of those logic puzzles.. you know the ones with the grid and you have to figure out which kid played which game with with parter thingy.. the ones that give you the cluse.. the ones' that you use deduction to figure out.. needless to say.. i suck.. the first one i did.. i got none right.. the second one i did i didn't really finish becuase it was getting late.. but i looked at the solutions and the ones that i had were right.. so yay!

My cousin's wedding was yesterday and although i thought that i would just be miserable and thinking about how on-edge my chances of spending the rest of my life with the man i love so dearly were.. i was actually happy.. having Justyn there really made me comfortable and happy.. he was sooo smokin'.. oh my gawd.. he was hott.. anyway..

Ya.. i was really happy he was there.. and that wedding just helped me realize how much i love him and how much i really want to spend the rest of my life with him.. i looked into his eyes towards the end of the night and felt that lil tingle in my tummy... you know.. that butterfly feeling..

Just keep praying.. and God will provide.

Last, but not least...

1. Are you saved?

Catholics can be as sure as anyone else that they are in God's good graces. The apostle John states that "you may know that you have eternal life" (1 Jn 5:13 -- see also Jn 5:24). But this "assurance" has to be understood in light of John's other teachings in the same book: "For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments" (1 Jn 5:3, emphasis added -- see also 1 Jn 2:3-6). "We know that any one born of God does not sin" (1 Jn 5:18, emphasis added). "He who loves God should love his brother also" (1 Jn 4:21, emphasis added). "He who commits sin is of the devil" (1 Jn 3:8, emphasis added -- see also 1 Cor 6:9). Likewise, St. Paul does not regard salvation as a one-time event, but as a goal to be sought after, one that can be lost: "Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling" (Phil 2:12 -- see also 1 Cor 9:27, 10:12; Gal 5:1, 4; Phil 3:11-14, 1 Tim 4:1, 5:15)

Too many things are going on this week and I don't know how strong I can be for Justyn.. I need him to have some strenght.. even if it's only for this week.. i am going through way too much that it is too much for me to handle.. i need him to be strong for me.. i need him to be there for me..

Can he do it? Will he do it?

So... here I am..

2. If you died tonight, would you go to heaven?

Catholics have an assurance of salvation if they are faithful and keep God's commandments (1 Jn 2:3). If they die in that state, they are assured of heaven. But to enter heaven, one must be perfectly holy, because "nothing unclean shall enter it" (Rev 21:27: -- see also Is 4:4; Mal 3:2-4). The cleansing and purifying of any remaining sin, which makes us fit for God's holy presence is what Catholics call purgatory. This is clearly indicated in St. Paul's writings: "Each man's work will become manifest; for the Day will disclose it, because it will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test what sort of work each one has done.... If any man's work is burned up, he will suffer loss, though he himslef will be saved, but only as through fire: (1 Cor 3:13, 15, emphasis added). "For we must all appear before the judgement seat of Christ, so that each one may receive good or evil, according to what he has dne in the body" (2 Cor 5:10, emphasis added).

I should be doing my novena right now instead of blogging.. well.. i guess i should do that.. ive got some errands to run.. sigh...

So... here I am..

2. If you died tonight, would you go to heaven?

Catholics have an assurance of salvation if they are faithful and keep God's commandments (1 Jn 2:3). If they die in that state, they are assured of heaven. But to enter heaven, one must be perfectly holy, because "nothing unclean shall enter it" (Rev 21:27: -- see also Is 4:4; Mal 3:2-4). The cleansing and purifying of any remaining sin, which makes us fit for God's holy presence is what Catholics call purgatory. This is clearly indicated in St. Paul's writings: "Each man's work will become manifest; for the Day will disclose it, because it will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test what sort of work each one has done.... If any man's work is burned up, he will suffer loss, though he himslef will be saved, but only as through fire: (1 Cor 3:13, 15, emphasis added). "For we must all appear before the judgement seat of Christ, so that each one may receive good or evil, according to what he has dne in the body" (2 Cor 5:10, emphasis added).

I should be doing my novena right now instead of blogging.. well.. i guess i should do that.. ive got some errands to run.. sigh...

Maybe I should start reading the bible more...

3. Why do you worship wafers?

A consecrated host or wafter at a Catholic Mass is the true Body and Blood of Christ, not merely bread; so Catholics are worshiping Jesus, not a wafter. In the Gospel of John (6:51-56), Jesus states repeatedly that "he who eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life" (6:54). He is speaking literally, and He is so firm that many followers object and leave Him (6:52, 60, 66). St. Paul agrees with this interpetation and writes that those taking Communion "in an unworthy manner will be gulity of profaning the body and blood of the Lord" (1 Cor 11:27 -- see also 1 Cor 10:16). We don't sin against someone's "body and blood" by destroying a photograph (which is a mere symbol) of the person. Moreover, in the Last Supper passages (Mt 26:26-28; Mk 14:22-24; Lk 22:19-20), nothiing suggests a metaphorical or symbolic interpretation. TGhe Last Supper was the Jewish feast of Passover. This involved a sacrificial lamb, and Jesus referred to His imminent suffereing (Lk 22:15-16, 18, 21-22). John the Baptist had already called Him the "Lamb of God" (Jn 1:29).

So i think I should really start reading the Bible.. i finished Genesis a couple years ago and have currently gotten stuck in Exodus.. but i think that I should be taking a Bible Study class also.. cuz the bible is a complex book.. but do i have the time? I know on CatholicExchange.com there are free online bible study things.. but it had stopped.. I wish i had more time to do stuff.. maybe in the future.. but for now.. i think i'll start over.. i'll read genesis again and really work my way through it.. and eventually i will find the time to take a study class.. and by then.. hopefully.. i would have read the bible front to back.. and all i'll need is just clarification..

What do you think.. good idea.. bad idea??

Am I really drifting...

I was reading blogs.. my blogs.. he says he feels like i'm drifting away.. i know i'm not.. but he gets that sense that i am.. i dont' know.. i don't see it.. maybe it's just my frustrations and anxieties that is making it seem like i'm slipping..

I'm not the one slipping.. i feel like he's slowly slipping through my fingers.. and i'm trying desperately to hold on to him.. but no matter how hard i try.. he slips further and further away from.. and i feel so helpless..

He tells me I have to have faith in myself that I will do what I need to do... thinking back.. i dont think there was ever a time that i have had faith in myself.. i knew what i had to do.. and i did it.. i never believed that i could do it.. i've never really believed in myself.. i always fail.. somehow..

I mean.. it's obvious that i dont' know how to be in a relationship.. look at what has happened to us..

I ruin a lot of what I do.. especially in things that matter the most.. like my love life..

When people are single for such a long time.. they start to wonder what is wrong with that person.. well.. if i end up single for a very long time.. i know what's wrong with me.. i know i have problems.. and i know it's my fault these relationships don't work.. then i hold on for dear life to them.. scraping any last bit of hope and strength just to try to make them work.. because i end up falling too much in love.. and then I watch as they slip through my fingers..

He knows I love him. I know he loves me. I'm not going anywhere, I'm not leaving until he tells me to, and even then.. i'm not going without a fight.. he did it for me.. i'm doing it for him.. if he needs me to be the strong one.. i will be the strong one.. until he can come to my level.. like i came to his..

Before I go to bed...

4. Why do you worship Mary?

Catholics do not worship Mary. We venerate her because she is the mmother of God the Son, our Lord Jesus Christ. Veneration is completely different from the adoration of God. It is the honoring of a person, not the worship of Almighty God, our Creator. Catholics believe that Mary is the highest of God's creatures because of her exalted role. But, of course, like any other human being, she had to be saved by the mercy of God. She herself said, "My spirit rejoices in God my savior" (Lk 1:47). We believe that God saved her by taking away all stain of original sin at the moment of her conception (the Immaculate Conception). The very fact that God took on flesh and became man (Jm 1:1, 14) indicates that He wished to involve human beings in His plan of salvation for mankind. Mary was a key person for this purpose, so this is why Catholics honor her so highly."

Well.. there you go.. another question.. we are almost done..

Well.. today was good. I did what I said I was gonna do.. I wasn't gonna dwell.. and I didn't. One day at a time.. baby stips.. take it slow.. gosh.. it sounds so much easier than it really is.. easier said than done.. gosh.. i wish it was easier done also..

Ok.. i'm going to bed.. it's late..

I pray to God this won't happen to me...

I don't want this to happen to me.. to be so scared.. to be so hurt.. that i can't ever let anyone in again.. i mean.. it was hard enough to let justyn in.. it was scary enough to finally let him in my life.. and right when i trusted that everything was going to be ok.. this happens..

I don't want myself to end up like this..

KELLY CLARKSON
"Because Of You"

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because you know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

I want to be able to move on properly if things don't end up the way i really want them to.. i don't want to be hurt beyond repair if the worst happens.. because I know that's what's going to happen.. I don't want to be this song..

I guess.. the point i'm trying to make is that I have to start preparing myself for the worst.. he is.. why can't i.. he knows that there is that possibility.. he's accepted that it could happen.. i should start doing so too.. but please, God.. dont' let it happen... but if it does.. give me the strenght to move on with my life..

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Which one of us will burn until the end...

I'm listening to New Found Glory and typing with my fingers.. one.. that has a broken nail.. broken kinda deep.. so i can feel it move as i press keys.. not a good feeling at all.. sucks.. oh well..

Now I'm listening to Jason Mraz.. the remedy..

"When i fall in love.. i take my time.. there's no need to hurry when i'm making my mind.. you can turn off the sun.. but i'm still gonna shine.. and i'll tell you whhhhyyyyy..."

Jason Mraz is cool..

Cuz he won't worry his life away...

Oooh.. now it's "You and I Both".. i love this song..

Was it you who spoke the words that things would happen but not to me
Oh things are gonna happen naturally
Oh taking your advice I'm looking on the bright side
And balancing the whole thing
But often times those words get tangled up in lines
And the bright lights turn to night
Until the dawn it brings
Another day to sing about the magic that was you and me

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just read of
Others only read of the love, the love that I love.

See I'm all about them words
Over numbers, unencumbered numbered words
Hundreds of pages, pages, pages forwards
More words then I had ever heard and I feel so alive

You and I, you and I
Not so little you and I anymore
And with this silence brings a moral story
More importantly evolving is the glory of a boy

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just dream of
And if you could see me now
Well I'm almost finally out of
I'm finally out of
Finally deedeedeedee
Well I'm almost finally, finally
Well I'm free, oh, I'm free

And it's okay if you have go away
Oh just remember the telephone works both ways
And if I never ever hear them ring
If nothing else I'll think the bells inside
Have finally found you someone else and that's okay
Cause I'll remember everything you sang

Cause you and I both loved what you and I spoke of
and others just read of and if you could see now
well I'm almost finally out of.
I'm finally out of, finally, deedeeededede
well I'm almost finally, finally, finally out of words.

Uh.. here's another one..

5. Why do you confess your sins to a priest?

Jesus Christ gave His disciples -- and by extension, priests -- the power not only to "loose" sins (that is, forgive in God's name), but also to "bind" (that is, impose penances): "Whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be lossed in heaven" (Mt 18:18 -- see also Mt 16:19). "If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven; if you retain the sins of any, they are retained" (Jn 20:23). The priest serves as the representative of God and of His mercy. Confession gives new courage, confidence, and a fresh start. One learns humility by this practice, receives addional grace in order to avoid sin, and attains a certainty of forgiveness that is superior to mere feelings. Confession is also indcated in Matthew (3:5-6), Acts (19:18), and 1 John (1:9).

Sigh.. i got my list of students today.. i'm excited.. i get a lil roster thing and everything! Yay for being a teacher!!!

The questions continue...

6. Why do you pray to idols (statues)?

No Catholic who knows anything about the Catholic faith has ever worshiped a statue (as in pagan idolatry). If we cherish the memory of mere political heroes with statues, and that of war heroes with monuments, then there can be no objection to honoring saints and righteous men and women: "Honor all men. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the emperor" (1 Pet 2:17 -- see also Rom 12:10; Heb 12:22-23). Statues are simply a visual reminder of great saints and heroes of the faith (Heb 11), who are more alive than we are (2 Cor 3:18), as is evident by their praying: "O Sovereign Lord... how long before thou wilt judge and avenge our blood on those who dwell upon the earth?" (Rev 6:10 -- see also Ps 35:17). The saints in heaven were never intended by God to be cut off from the Body of Christ on earth. They are involved in intercession, just as the saints on earth are, and they are described as "so great of cloud of witnesses" (Heb 12:1).

Sigh.. my morale is usually up.. then.. i talk to him.. and he tends to bring me down with his pessimism.. i called him on it.. i just hope he helps..