Cleansed..

Well.. I'm sitting here and I should be doing homework..

When I got rid of the dress.. I never thought that I would have so many emotions going through me. I wanted to cry.. I wanted to laugh.. I wanted to breathe a sigh of relief.. I wanted to take it back and run home..

I know that getting rid of it was the best thing i could do. I knew that getting rid of it was something I had to do. I needed to cleanse myself of that old part of me. I needed to finally let go of that part of me. I don't know why I was holding on to that part for so long.. but I guess I was.

The brightside is that I have more room in my closet now. And that totally got me over the wierd emotions I was going through..

Now.. let's hope I get another chance to buy another dress.. not anytime soon.. but hopefully in the near future..

Going.. going.. gone!

Today is the day I get full closure. Mark this date.. July 29th, 2008. Today.. a chapter of my life will finally close.. and I can begin a whole new book.. one without any markings of this past..

Now you may wonder what the heck I'm talking about.. well.. I'll tell you.

Today.. I'm finally going to give away that wedding dress that has been sitting in my closet since 2006. I was supposed to get married.. remember. Little did anyone know.. but I had the dress.. I made him swear that we were going to go through with the wedding and he said yes.. and we both thought that's what we wanted.. so I bought it..

And it sat.. and sat.. and sat.. in my closet..

Through postponements.. break ups.. make ups.. cancellations.. drama.. drama.. drama.. it sat there.. waiting to be used.

Well.. I hope it will be used.. it just won't be by me. I wish who ever will end up with it a lifetime of love and happiness.. the lifetime i thought i was going to have.. but didn't.. a lifetime I still pray to have and will always patiently wait for God to give me..

I'm sad.. I know this is finally admitting to the fact that I have had a failed engagement.. and even though I know that the end of that part of my life was so much more a blessing than anything.. i can't help but be sad..

And scared..

My judgement of who could be "the one" is off.. way off.. and who knows who it could be.. and what if I'm wrong again.. or what if I let "the one" pass me by.. or all those possible "what-ifs.."

I will be freed from the chains of my past relationship.. finally.. it's bittersweet.. but at the same time.. relieving..

Yet another rousing episode..

I'm tired..

So this week has definitely been one for the books..

I spent two days at UC Davis.. visiting one of the branch labs of our laboratory system.. I was there to learn stuff from them.. it was first time in my life that I have actually traveled by plane by myself. It felt like such an accomplishment. I've never been on a plane by myself.. let alone spent a night in a hotel by myself.. or meandered around a strange city all by myself..

And I did!

I know that most people have done it before.. but I bet they can remember how accomplished they were when they did it for the first time.. and so now.. i'm ready to just up and go where ever and when ever I please.. I can do it by myself too.. it's fine.. i'm not scared anymore..

I was terrifed..

So.. I'm finally feeling the effects of the week.. and I'm exhausted.

I'm going to sleep.

Terms of endearment..

Baby.. babe.. hunny.. sweetie.. sweetheart.. darling..

I don't know what it is.. well.. I used to be able to throw around terms of endearment with all the other guys I've dated.. "babe" and "baby" come to mind. I used them a lot.

This time.. I don't know.. I don't know why the terms of endearment are few and far between.. I mean.. he throws them around every so often.. and it's cute.. I like it.. it makes me feel all special and stuff.. but it's not an overkill of usage.

I guess that's why I dont throw it around as often either..

I guess I tend to adapt to whatever the guy is like..

My ex was very clingy.. in turn.. I became very clingy.. even though I'm a person that loves her free time and space.. I found myself becoming very clingy in that relationship..

This guy likes freedom and space.. perfect for me because I love the same thing.. it's like.. this is the relationship that I seemed to not have to adjust myself to so much.. I don't have to adjust my ways to match his.. because is some senses.. his ways.. are already my ways..

I don't want to put too much thought into it..

Three months is too soon to assume anything.. especially in the damaged and jaded state i'm in..

I wish it were different and that I can be more optimistic and hopeful in relationships.. but I think I've been too messed up by past experiences that I just can't see myself doing that right now.. maybe in time.. I'll learn to give into relationships again.. but I just need some time..

700th post.. and all I do is a video..

Maturity takes over.. for now..

Well.. I've decided to NOT get the Blackberry.

I honestly don't need it.. I just want it.

I have to learn that I can't have everything that I want.  I mean..  I already know that I can't have everything I want.. look at how my life has been so far.. I should be an expert on knowing that I can't get what I want.

But I think that I compensate by buying whatever I want.

Not this time.  I need to save money and be wiser with money because I do have student loans coming.. eventually.. that I need to pay off.. and the more money I save.. the more I can just throw into the loan and get it paid off so much faster..

Then it's back to buying whatever I want..

Unless I get married by then.. haha.. 

Who knows.. the future is bright and full of blessings.. 

To buy.. or not to buy.. that IS the question..

Reasons to NOT get a Blackberry Curve:
- I'm not a business person.. I'm a lab rat..
- I have NO obvious reason to be THAT connected to my email..
- It's wider than my current phone.. can't put it in my pocket..
- It's difficult to type "one-handed" with it.. or is it?!?!
- Do I really need to be "connected online" all the time?!?!?
- What exact purpose do I need this Blackberry for?!?!
- Phone nazi's... 'nuff said..
- What sort of "technological advantage" it is gonna give me?!?!
- Do I NEED it more than I WANT it?!?!?
- Something better might come a couple months later..

Reasons to get a Blackberry Curve:
- A super deal.. $50 after rebate..
- It's cute..
- It's really cute..
- It's pretty sexy looking..
- It's a Blackberry..
- I've always wanted a Blackberry..
- Can't let a good deal pass like that.. can I?!?!
- I'll always be connected..
- I can send emails..
- I can send emails at work.. during lunch and breaks..
- It's DAMN CUTE!
- Takes better pictures than my current phone..
- $30/mo gives me unlimited email and web browsing..
- Sound quality is better..
- Great f*ckin' deal I can't pass up!

Ugh.. what to do.. what to do.. what to do..

Advice?!?! Anyone?????

Delirious..

This week has definitely been a weird one..

I've been on a doctor's work order to not come in until next week.  The hives have gotten to be too much and I've been on allergy pills that make me sooo groggy and sleepy.  But I've been learning to fight the sleepiness because I will never get anything done otherwise.

But I think I've been fighting it off so much that today I'm reaching a breaking point.. and I'm officially delirious.. 

It's hard to focus.. but I really need to fight this... my head is so heavy.. but I'm actually giddier than I have been these past few days.. 

Delirious.. but happy.. deliriously happy.. i don't know why.. maybe it's the drugs.. maybe it's just all the things I've been going through have just given me perspective.. I don't know.. I just am..

But I need to sleep.. hahaha.. I need to shut my eyes and get rid of my "zombie" mode..

Too bad I have homework.. 

Bruises fade..

Sigh.. 

I'm still battling this cold.. actually.. the cold is going away.. it's been replaced with hives.. all.. over.. my.. body.. ugh..

I think that the massive itchy feeling is so much worse than any cold.. seriously..

But this is not what we are going to talk about today.. 

Let's talk about how the boy in my life has pretty much made me a happy camper.. despite the crazy itchy feeling.. which I'm being treated for now.. so I should be getting better soon.. thank God.

Anyway..

I don't know how to start this.. I really don't.. so lets ramble on for a bit and hopefully I find some direction.. 

He had chocolate covered strawberries delivered to me today.. to help me feel better.. took me totally by surprise.. something I have never experienced with any guy I have ever been with before.. something I am not used to.. I think that this has been bumped up to the "most romantic thing a guy has done for me category.."

I'm happy.. gosh.. I feel like a giddy high school girl that got a balloon gram from her boyfriend.. haha.. he makes me happy.. something that I've had a hard time admitting to myself.. 

I like him.. a lot.. a whole lot..

It's great.. but I'm terrified.. 

The greatest lyrics I ever heard..

Anyone who can touch you

Can hurt you or heal you

Anyone who can reach you

Can love you or leave you

It's from a song by Natasha Bedingfield.  The song is called "I Bruise Easily.."

The whole song is basically something I can relate to, but I think this stanza is something that I really relate to the most.  

It's so very true.. in my opinion.. 

Oh man.. oh man..

I took half of yesterday and all of today off. 

I'm sick.

My throat hurts, my sinuses are congested, and my head is about to explode.  

But.. I have to go to work tomorrow.  

I slept as much as I could today.  Didn't help that I was woken this morning by text messages from my best friend and the guy I'm dating.. my "edp.. exlusive dating partner.."  Then, when I tried to take a nap.. I was woken up again by text from him.. I don't mind.. I like hearing from him.. but I'm sick.. so.. ya.. 

My friend said that it was because I have been overworking myself lately.. which is true.  I have been so busy with school and work and church that it's starting to take it's toll on me.. I know I have to slow down.. but I am just not at a good "slowing down point" in my life..

I know that I will hit it eventually.. I will slow down.. settle.. and have a family of my own.. hopefully that will slow me down.. 

Well.. having a family of my own won't necessarily slow me down.. I know I'll just as busy.. but in a different way.. and I look forward to that.. 

But for now.. tho' I wear myself out so thin that getting sick is the only way to slow me down.. I like my life.. it will have to take something pretty special to slow me and settle me.. and I secretly hope that this something special is already in my life somehow.. 

Who knows... 

Prayers.. 

The weight on my chest..

I refuse to let my past haunt my present.. and my future.

I mean.. I made mistakes.. I made bad judgements.  We all have.. right?

I may not have been the best person before.  But I sure as heck want to be the best person I can be now.  I made the decision that I wasn't going to play those games anymore.  I'm looking for different things in life and I know I can change myself for the better.  I've been doing a good job of that so far.

I refuse to screw this up.  

He's concerned that my past will leak into our present.. possibly affecting a future.. 

He has to be wrong.  It's up to me whether I will allow those things to come up again or not.. and I will NOT let them come up.  That's just not what I want in life anymore.  I am a different person with different goals.. and different ways to get them.

This shouldn't bother me.. but it does.  We had this conversation just about an hour ago.. 

I guess he has a right to kinda know what he's getting into by learning about some of my past.. but he also said that as long as things don't leak into the future.. then he's ok with it.. but the thing is.. he's doubting that it could really be part of my past.. he's doubting whether or not I can keep it in my past.. 

I can.  I know I can.. 

I'm scared that my stupid mistakes are going to affect how he deals with me and how far this is going to go.  I want this to possibly something long-term.  I can see it going there if things continue to be the way they are.  He's a nice guy and I like him.  I don't want to screw it up by things I've done BEFORE I met him.. you know?

I'm not a bad person.. but I also know that I really haven't been a great person.. 

I was a flirt.. I was highly flirtatious.. I was known for that for the longest time.. not that I followed through with a lot of the flirtatious banter.. but I did a lot of "talk.."  And yes.. I still am friends with a lot of the guys I had these flirtatious relationships with.. but friendships evolve and most of my guy friends know that when I'm exclusively seeing someone.. they back off.. and they don't say anything and they know that I won't say anything to screw anything up with the person I'm seeing.. 

But things are different.. I'm at a different part of my life right now.. can he see that?  Will he be able to see that?  Or will he always see that part of me and always be concerned that it will possibly come back and bite us in the ass??

I'm different now.. and I hope that he can see that.. how am I going to prove myself? 

I guess.. I just have to keep doing what I'm doing.. I can be the best person I can be.. and then some.. I know I can.. I just pray he can see that too.. 

Pictures..

My brother's graduation.. and there are pictures of me and "the new boy.."

Enjoy!

At least it's the first day of the rest of my life..

I'm not bitter.. I never really was.. it's just that there are certain things in life that irk me.. and for some reason.. "this" does..

I don't know why I just feel so "shot in the gut" when I come across things like that.. you know..

I know it's a part of my past.. it will always be part of my past.. but if he was trying to get to me.. then.. it's not working in the sense that he thinks it is..

I know what I have now.. and I really enjoy what I have now.. it's completely different that was he could have ever given me.. and I thank God everyday that I have what I have now and that God showed me how things could really be with someone else.. someone better..

It bothers me because it just seems so fake.. like he's trying to hard to show me up..

It angers me cuz he is flaunting something to prove a point.. and I know that he may never admit to that.. but I know that's what he's doing..

He wants to hurt me.. it doesn't hurt me..

It irks me.. and "irking" is not necessarily "hurting" me..

You would never see me flaunt what I have now.. I am proud of it.. and I am happy because of it.. but I will never flaunt it..

I don't have to prove to anyone that I am happy.. I don't have to prove it to anyone but myself.. and who ever I'm involved with..

And definitely not to him..

Ugh.

Makes me wonder..

Sometimes I wonder why I can be soo happy about something in my life.. and then.. a sudden twist of events causes me to doubt it all..

I mean.. here I am.. totally content in the situation I am in.. happy.

Then.. I dig around and find something out that can be detrimental to my happiness..

I mean.. I don't think I should let it get to me.. but it could be big enough to really affect what I have in my life right now and If I avoid it.. I just may end up more hurt than ever..

It's like God says.. "Here you go.. enjoy.."

And then.. I do enjoy it..

But then God says.. "Oh.. wait.. there's a catch.. "

Ugh.. why must there be a catch?! I knew that this was all too good to be true.. and I don't want to see pessimistic.. but I kinda doubted that I could be 100% content in this situation.. it did seem too good to be true..

But then again.. this could be a test.. if I can handle it.. right?

What to do.. what to do..

I'm just full of insight..

I took a look at where I was one year ago today.

Blogs are great for that stuff. All you have to do is look at June 2007 and see what went on.

I know this month last year was quite significant because this was the month that turned my world upside down and topsy turvy. And it all happened in one quick night. This was the month that Justyn and I ended the engagement.. ended the relationship.. and caused my world to crumble for that moment..

But look at me now..

Can I honestly say that I regret everything that's happened?!

I can honestly say that my world.. my life.. my outlook has changed for the better..

Such a learning experience and a blessing in disguise.

I read of the hurt.. I read of my heartache.. and I know that at that time.. those feelings were genuine. But I wouldn't ever go back and change a thing.. I'd go through it again with him just to see how strong I am right now.

There are no "what ifs" or "should have be this.."

It was how it was supposed to be..

And whereever life may lead me.. I know that I will be nothing but blessed along the way.. because that's just how it's always been and will always be..

What I did for love..

Talk about the ultimate procrastination..

I went to Las Vegas on Memorial Day weekend.

I have only now unpacked from that trip.

Yes.. I know.. LAZY!

Hahahaa.. oh well.. at least now it's almost done. I also realize that I have way more clothes than I do hangers to hang them in. Uh oh. Time to get rid of some stuff. If only it were that easy. I always feel like I'm going to have a use for some article of clothing. I mean.. i would get rid of a lot of my shirts and give it away to the local Salvation Army.. but I need those shirts for work.. I can't go into the lab in a tank or tube top..

Oh well.. what to do.. what to do.. what to do..

Maybe I should stop buying clothes..

OH NO!