Ah.. the joys of loopiness

So I'm feeling less medicine-heady after my nap... that's always a good thing.. i was really loopy and i still kinda am.. but less medicine-head loopiness...

I'm trying to figure out which is better... single life or attached life... i guess both have their goods and bads.. i really like that i have someone that cares about me and that i have someone to really care about.. this is what i've wanted all this time.. this is everything that i've been asking for...

Here's a recent survey i took...

1. WHATS ON YOUR MIND NOW?
Rearranging my room.. and all the beds I was looking at...

2. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
The television..

3. What time did u get up this morning? 10:30am.. i slept in... it felt sooo good!

4. MODEL OF YOUR CELLPHONE?
Samsung something or other..

5. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
A chicken boobie at TGIFridays...

6. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Pink!!!!

7. WHAT DO YOU DO DURING YOUR CHILL TIME?
Go on myspace...

8. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Uh... Justyn.. yesterday.. when he told me he was at my house already and that I should let him in...

9. THE FIRST THING YOU THINK ABOUT WHEN YOU SEE THE OPPOSITE SEX?
"What color are his eyes... "

10. AUTO OR MANUAL CAR?
Automatic...

11. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
September 27th... cuz i'm vain like that.. hee hee..

12. FAVORITE PLACE?
As long as I am with people I have fun with.. every place is my favorite place.. but it will soon be the Yardhouse in Rancho.. hee hee...

13. FAVORITE SPORTS?
Basketball... at the actual arena.. cuz the energy is soo much better than when watching it from home

14. DO U WEAR CONTACTS?
Yes... yes i do...

15. SIBLINGS AND THEIR AGES?
1 brother, 19 years old..

16. THE COOLEST WAY YOU HAVE TO RELEASE PRESSURE?
Sing...

17. THINGS I HATE MOST?
Weakness, vulernablity.. liars.. hiders...

18. WHAT IS THE BEST THING ABOUT BEING A GIRL/ BOY?
The best thing about being the girl is that i don't ever really have to make the first move in a relationship.. cuz its usually the guys job... well.. that's my opinion...

19. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY?
Depends... scary when your trying to get with a guy (STRATEGY!!!)... happy once you snag the guy and are happy in the relationship.. hee hee... all about the strategy...

20. MY BEST FRIENDS ARE:
Gosh.. i don't really think i have a set of best friends.. all my friends are really good friends...

21. CHOCOLATES OR FLOWERS?
Chocolate.. mmm... chocolate..

22. WHEN IM STUCK IN A JAM I....
Mope and complain and get in a super pissy mood and whine on the phone to my boyfriend...

23. Text OR Call..
Both

24. IF YOU COULD TURN BACK TIME, YOU WOULD...
I wouldn't... cuz everything I've gone through has made me the person I am today...

25. IN YOUR WALLET, YOU HAVE...
Cash and credit cards...

26. WHAT'S ON YOUR SCREEN SAVER?
All my pictures...

27. FAVORITE BOARD GAME/s?
CLUE!! Ha.. I've never played that dang game...

28. FAVORITE SMELLS?
My Stila 'Jade Blossom' scent.. and 'love spell' by victoria's secret..

29. WHAT IS THE LAST THING YOU THINK OF BEFORE YOU GO TO SLEEP?
"do i have to go to work tomorrow??"

30. THINGS I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT
My family, my cell phone, my computer.. and Justyn.. see.. i am attached... awww... swoon...

31. YOUR FAVORITE QUOTE?
"I am the bomb snicketty".. it's a rachelism...

SICK!!!

My throat is killing me... i don't feel good.. i feel drained...

So ya... CLUE is over... now what? Where are 'we' gonna go now? So far, it's ok.. i mean.. we talk as often as we can.. i hope it doesn't phase out.. cuz i've already gotten attached and it would suck if things didn't work out.. but i think i'm still at the point that if something were to happen.. i'd still be relatively ok... i'd be hurt but the world won't end right now... i'd rather it not end... but i think if it were to end now.. i'd be alright.. i'd survive... but i don't wanna think about that...

I haven't entered anything in here for awhile.. it's weird.. but i have to go to lunch soon anyway.. so ya.. i guess i'll just come back.. i'm hungry and we need to get this shipment out soon.. so we have to eat then label and then get-er-done!

Boyfriends...

Ya.. they are fun... i guess.. i don't know.. i'm a cynical romantic.. believing that true love and complete romantic happiness exsists.. but not for me.. that's what it means.. it's not supposed to happen for me.. i'm one of those people that are destined to live a life in unhappy relationships...

I'm supposed to be one of those people that gets hurt over and over again.. i'm one of those unfortunate souls that are supposed to be used and abused and under appreciated and taken for granted...

I was never supposed to be loved like this.. to be respected like this.. i wasn't supposed to be spoiled and treated like a queen.. i wasn't supposed to be happy in a relationship... i wasn't supposed to feel secure...

What the hell happened... when did God finally look at me and say 'its time'???

Why am i questioning it.. i should just accept it.. why can't i accept it...

Sometimes working sucks...

Especially when there is really nothing to do... and it's raining.. and all you wanna do is lie in bed.. and sleep... all day... under mounds of comforters and blankets and pillows and sheets... all warm and cuddly.. that would soo be the 'ish... can i do that today?

I've been all alone practically all week.. this is flippin insane... i'm so flippin lonely.. you don't even know... i want to just sit at this desk and sleep but i know i should get some work done because my boss is coming back tomorrow and i need to show that i've done someething... and i did do something... i cleaned the labs... i will tackle the storage room later on today...

Dude.. time went by fairly quickly... it's 11-ish... that's nice... i hope time goes a lil faster even! Going home s the dreaded today... the traffic is gonna be INSANE!!! I'm scared... really.. i am...

It's been awhile...

So I've apparently neglected this blog site since last wednesday... that was disneyland wednesday... that was fun.. that was good times...

So ya.. uh... do you think that we'd might actually phase each other out as soon as this show's run is over? I mean.. check it out... we won't have to be at the theater together anymore.. which was our sole reason for seeing each other.. we kinda had to.. and so it made it more fun to be with each other.. now that the obligations of the theater are no longer existant.. will we phase each other out and slowly not spend time together?

He made an effort to come and see me yesterday... and that was nice... i appreciated it.. a lot.. do i have room in my life to sacrifice time to be in a relationship.. i always said that if i were ever in a relationship again.. i would soo make the time.. i had so many ideals about how things would be if I were in a relationship... why can't I stick to them.. the reality is settling in and i dont' feel like I can have time for a boyfriend.. but i want one.. i want him.. i want him in my life...

He says he's in love with me... am I in love with him? I love him, yes.. but in love? I see myself really starting to fall in love.. i can't say that i'm completely in love yet... i'm almost there... I can say that... but i do love him.. i love how secure i feel around him.. how loved i feel around him... i haven't ever really felt this secure and safe in someone's arms... i just hope i'm not being stupid.. cuz that would suck to be hurt again and be played for a fool..

That's why i am way too scared to completely allow myself to surrender to this relationship.. cuz once i do.. something's gonna happen and i'm gonna get hurt... it always happens... it happened the last two times.. right when i was coming to terms on how i actually felt about those guys.. one of the dumps me and the other one drops off the face of the earth.. only to resurface as if nothing happened... that sucked sooo bad... and i don't wanna feel stupid ever again!

So.. not used to this..

He's way too nice to me.. i'm not used to being spoiled like this.. i mean.. ya.. a guy buys me cookies or lets me come over at six in the morning to get oreos.. but to have the guy drive out to my house just to drive me to work at 4:45-5:00 ish in the morning is just above and beyond...

What have I gotten myself into? Am I ready for this sort of treatment? Am I ready to be finally treated the way I deserve?

Why can't my mom see how sweet this guy is? Why does she insist on putting up this wall between them when she doesn't even know him... argh.. i'm happy.. so why does this have to be complicated?

I'm soooo sleepy...

Wow.. i think i miss him..

So ya.. we haven't seen each other in two days... i miss him.. but will i actually admit that to him? I sorta did.. wow.. this is weird.. when did harmless flirting end up to something i feel i have no control over. I guess the real question is: when did i lose control over this? When did I fall?

I wanna go home now.. i'll leave at 3:30pm... so in about fourty minutes or so...

I got him and his friends hooked on myspace.com... ya.. i'm a trend setter... unfortunately.. i've now made him myspace geek.. i created a monster.. oh well... i guess i have to deal with it.. damn..

I'm sooo tired... of work... or life.. of everything.. i just wanna curl up in a ball and die.. but then i'd upset some people and that wouldn't be good...

"Without The Girl"

And mama told me if I want her. I gotta take it slow
You just can’t tell her, you gotta find other ways to let her know
But I don’t understand this game
This is so new to me
I wanna tell her
I wanna take her in my arms

Give her time and maybe one-day she’ll come around
And see the love I am offering
‘Cause I don’t wanna live without the girl
Heaven knows everyday I pray
That someday she will belong to me
‘Cause I don’t wanna live without the girl

She is my sunshine but her heart belongs to another man
She looks right through me, she only ever though of us as friends
But I’ll keep holding back my heart
I will not let her see
I gonna bide my time
until the day she comes to me

Give her time and maybe one-day she’ll come around
And see the love I’m offering
‘Cause I don’t wanna live without the girl
Heaven knows, everyday I pray
That someday she will belong to me
‘Cause I don’t wanna live without the girl

Give her time and maybe one-day she’ll come around
And see the love I’m offering
‘Cause I don’t wanna live without the girl
Heaven knows, everyday I pray
That someday she will belong to me
‘Cause I don’t wanna live without the girl


Ya.. i'm soooo feelin this song... except for the part where it says her heart belongs to another man... cuz it doesn't... it hasn't for the longest time.. but i want someone to sweep me off my feet llike this... do you think he's done that?

Aye, the KILIG factor...

Ya... so things are official.. as of Saturday.. we have been labeled... geez.. I even changed my status on Myspace.com to read 'in a relationship'... wow.. that's pretty big... I even convinced him to get a profile on that site.. he put up the really cute picture of us from Knotts.. talk about KILIG!!!

I just hope that I'm not gonna feel stupid about all of this.. i don't wanna get hurt.. i don't wanna fall on my face.. i wanna be able to feel secure in what this is enough to just let it ride... i don't wanna keep second guessing or feel like he's got alterior motives or whatnot...

I'm happy.. but i'm scared.. hence.. i still don't know what complete happiness is... Damn.. and i thought I was sooo close!

It's killin' me, Larry!

Gosh.. i should be ecstatic.... i should be happy.. this is what i've been waiting for... this is what i've been wanting... why am i so stressed... gosh.. if things could only be a little different.. why can't things be easy.. why do they always have to be soo damn complicated.. why can't things just move straightforward.. why why why... gosh...

This seems to fit.. for the moment...

"Absolutely Zero"

You. You were a friend. You were a friend of mine I let you spend the night
You see it was my fault. Of course it was mine.
I'm too hard at work. Have you ever heard of anything so absurd ever in your life.
I'm sorry for wasting your time.

See who am I to say this situation isn't great? When it's my job to make the most of it
Of course I didn't know that it would happen to me. Not that easy.

Hey what's that you say? You're not blaming me for anything well that's great
But I don't break that easy. Does it fade away?
So that's why I'm, I'm apologizing now for telling you I thought that we could make it
I just don't get enough to believe that we've both changed.

See who am I to say this situation isn't great? It's my time to make the most of it
Of course I didn't know that it would happen to me. Not that easy.
If all along the fault is up for grabs why can't you have it
If it's for sale what is your offer, I'll sell it for no less than what I bought it for
Pay no more than absolutely zero.

Well neither one of us deserves the blame because opportunities moved us away
And it's not an easy thing to learn to play a game that's made for two that's you and me
The rules remain a mystery. See it can be easy.

See who am I to say this situation isn't great? It's our time to make the most of it
How could we ever know that this would happen to me, not that easy, no
When all along the fault is up for grabs and there you have it
If it's for sale what is your offer, I'll sell it for no less than what I bought it for
Pay no more than absolutely zero.

So check it out...

I had a talk with Kar-el yesterday about my situation with 'him' and he posed a very good point. What if this whole situation is just due to the fact that I'm lonely and he's giving me the attention that i've been wanting for awhile now? I can't think of this in relationship terms because I don't know if he's gonna be there in the end... Kar-el also suggested that I should start staying away from him.. being strong.. start distancing myself.. he said he was gonna help me... so i agreed.. and i really wanted to.. i did.. but i couldn't.. 'he' kept coming up to me.. i tried to stay away.. but 'he' kept at it.. so what could i do.. i like 'him'...

So i've been dealing with this inner turmoil since... should i end it? should I see where it goes? what should i do???

I open my email today and get my daily horoscope...

Decisions don't need to be as hard as you make them out to be, Rachel. You are apt to feel a strong force that is pulling you in a clear direction, so don't resist it. You will only drive yourself crazy by trying to list all the pros and cons as to why you should or shouldn't go the way you are destined to go. Make things easier on yourself by simply going with the flow, instead of letting your mind interfere with constant chatter about why you should resist.


It basically answered everything I was questioning... well.. i actually think it was God's way of answering my question.. cuz i was praying so hard this morning on my drive to work... offering all my burdens over this to Him.. I do trust He has my best interest at heart... I have to believe that He has a reason for all of this... I can't question it... He knows i'm terrified of getting hurt again.. but I trust that He's making me go through this to learn something.. or maybe even accomplish something.. sometimes I wish I could know what it all was so didn't have to waste my time... but God works in mysterious ways.. and I trust Him completely... even though it may not seem like it sometimes...

I just haven't felt this way in the longest time.. even with the last few guys i dated.. just thinking about 'him' gives me those butterflies in my stomach.. i didn't feel like that about 'booty call' and the guy before that and the guy before that... it scares me that in a matter of days i could totally see myself starting to fall.. i don't want to...

So i'm gonna listen to my horoscope... and just go with the flow.. like i've been doing... and just accept that if it ends after the run of the show.. then it ends.. and there's nothing i can do.. and that's just what God wanted to happen.. and if it lasts after the show.. then i'll keep it going until it does end... i just have to deal, right... right.

By the way.. since the shows opening this weekend.. he'll be meeting my parents.. how the hell is that gonna go down? Will he get offended if i call him just my friend? Is that he considers me? What do you think he'll call me when he'd introduce me to someone.. cuz i've already met his 'rents before all this.,.. so it was safe to call me friend.. but it's different.. should i just say 'this is so-n-so' instead of giving him a title before his name?? My stomach is turning.. i'm sure it won't be sooo bad... i hope...

M.U.?

So I thought that it was just for saturday night.. well.. it hasn't died down yet... in fact its getting good.. i can't really say it's growing.. but it is turning into something.. i don't know what it's turning into.. but i'm having fun.. i like his company.. i like how he makes me feel.. i still feel really secure around him.. the same way i felt at Knotts...

Lemme tell you though.. on Monday.. it was sooo wierd.. like i didn't know how to act at first.. I stopped by there before going home and I totally got nervous as i walked through the hall way into the thingy... i didn't know what i was supposed to do... it was wierd.. so i kinda played it off like nothing happened.. but he did too.. so it was wierd..

So then I took Amber home with me so that I had a reason to come back to the theater quicker... and she said that when I left Joe tells him 'she's acting like nothing happened' and that made me feel bad... but i told her that it was weird cuz we didn't talk all sunday so i didn't know what to do..

So then.. we get back to the theater after discussions about what exactly is up between the two of us.. she says we look so cute togheter.. i don't know.. it's funny...

We get back and then I ask what I can do to help and he says he's going to get the costumes and asks if I wanted to go with him.. now granted, he did call me earlier that day, while I was at work, to ask me if i wanted to go with him to get the costumes.. so i agree and we go..

It was a very awkward car ride in the beginning.. we kinda didn't know what to do with each other.. i didn't know if he wanted to continue what we started and i dont' think he knew if i wanted to continue what we started.. we were kinda testing out the waters.. we weren't quite sure... but we were still flirting.. cuz that's what Amber told me to do.. lol... by the end of the first stop, we were pretty good... not at the same spot we were in on Saturday, but i think we both figured we wanted to keep it going.. by the time we got to our second stop, we were good to go..

Needless to say, we were late to rehearsal.. but we had continued what we had started on Saturday and its been this way ever since.. so does that mean we are together, dating, MU?? What? What? We just never have discussed what's going on.. we've just been what we are.. and i hate guessing games.. i want definition.. we don't even have to be 'exclusive' or anything, just yet.. just as long as i know what our status is.. then i'll be fine... i hate vagueness...

What is going on?

So ya... i have no idea.. but i kinda like it.. i think we're together.. but no one's really said anything... am i setting myself up for hurt? I mean.. there is no way this is gonna last.. there is no way this is gonna get accepted... am i just setting myself up for the final let down? What's gonna happen when the show ends? What's gonna happen when the show opens and we don't have rehearsal everyday anymore? I can't make excuses to go see him? I don't wanna lie to my parents just to go see him.. i like hanging out with him but i don't wanna be sneaky about it.. we are open about it with the cast.. i dont' wanna hide it from my parents... this is not cool.. plus.. i don't even know EXACTLY what is going on.. and how do i bring it up.. what do i say...

Apparently the third post of the day...

I'm bored... i'm sleepy and i should go to bed.. but part of me is still too giddy from yesterday... it was good times... i never expected it to be the way it was... i never expected us to be the way we were... but then again.. i figure.. that was only for last night.. and it won't happen again, nor will it turn into something more... that's just the way i see it.. i figure that's the way it's gonna be.. but it was fun while it lasted and we had a really good time together... we'll just see how it goes on monday... i won't mind if things just go back to the way they were... i won't mind if just becomes the harmless flirting and everything... at least we had last night 'together'... i had a good time...

I hadn't felt so secure like that in the longest time.. it was kinda nice to have someone hold me close like that.. to feel protected... i wish i could find someone long-term to make me feel like that.. i wish i had some one permanent to hold me and protect me and make me feel so secure in our own world... i liked last night.. but i wish it didn't have to be just last night.. i want someone i can have that 'last night' feeling with all the time...

For the first time, in a long time.. i was happy... and i wish i could be that happy again.. just with someone i know will stick around.. with someone i know is my true boyfriend.. not like this.. not where everything is up in the air... where it's just for that night.. and there's no way it could be repeated anymore... not where he probably forgets all about you the next day... where he's probably not even thought about all the happenings of last night at all.. where he doesn't even care about what happened.. where his main thought about it was that he kissed me...

You know what sucks is that he's probably not even thought of last night at all... and it's fine by me.. cuz we don't have any obligations to each other.. but in a way.. it kinda sucks cuz i dwell on stuff like this... and i always seem to find my self in these 'in the air' type situations with guys... why can't i ever find someone straight to the point.. who will tell me how it is between us.. and not just 'be with me'... then go back to the way it was...

I'm not angry... i'm just frustrated... i want a long-term, promising relationship... not just a 'one-night-only' thing...

But i did have a good time last night... i did.. really.. i did...

Some enchanted evening...

Knott's was yesterday... good times... let's see... let's recap...

1. I didn't die.

2. I didn't curl up into a little ball in the corner of a maze and just start crying.

3. I didn't get chased by evil monsters

4. I didn't scream bloody murder.

5. I did freak out at the vampires and bugs.

6. I did hide behind my friend the whole night (and not just because i was scared... wink, wink)

7. I was not the Queen of the FreakOut.

8. I did probably cut the circulation off of his arm.. and possibly broke a couple of his ribs...

9. I didn't pee in my pants.

10. I didn't shit in my pants.

So ya.. over all... it was a pretty fun night... the only thing i can say is... yay...

I am not amused...

It's 3:30.. i should be going home now.. instead.. i have another half an hour and then another ten minutes before i can even think of packing up and going home.. geez... i should be labeling the reagents so that I can get out sooner...

I'm fed up today.. frustrated.. don't feel like working.. it's a friday.. what can i say?

This just isn't right... i'm not in the mood for this today..

Why am i such a sap and sooo damn stupid when i comes to guys? Why can't I ever just be smart about them? Why do i always seem to fall for the wrong ones? If i keep messing up like this, how will i know that the next one is my true love? I won't be able to trust myself that i made the right decision! I won't know if i did make the right decision.. i might just let my true love pass me by and go right into the arms of mr. wrong.. what if that happens.. then what do i do???

Somebody shoot me!!!