I had a talk with Kar-el yesterday about my situation with 'him' and he posed a very good point. What if this whole situation is just due to the fact that I'm lonely and he's giving me the attention that i've been wanting for awhile now? I can't think of this in relationship terms because I don't know if he's gonna be there in the end... Kar-el also suggested that I should start staying away from him.. being strong.. start distancing myself.. he said he was gonna help me... so i agreed.. and i really wanted to.. i did.. but i couldn't.. 'he' kept coming up to me.. i tried to stay away.. but 'he' kept at it.. so what could i do.. i like 'him'...
So i've been dealing with this inner turmoil since... should i end it? should I see where it goes? what should i do???
I open my email today and get my daily horoscope...
Decisions don't need to be as hard as you make them out to be, Rachel. You are apt to feel a strong force that is pulling you in a clear direction, so don't resist it. You will only drive yourself crazy by trying to list all the pros and cons as to why you should or shouldn't go the way you are destined to go. Make things easier on yourself by simply going with the flow, instead of letting your mind interfere with constant chatter about why you should resist.
It basically answered everything I was questioning... well.. i actually think it was God's way of answering my question.. cuz i was praying so hard this morning on my drive to work... offering all my burdens over this to Him.. I do trust He has my best interest at heart... I have to believe that He has a reason for all of this... I can't question it... He knows i'm terrified of getting hurt again.. but I trust that He's making me go through this to learn something.. or maybe even accomplish something.. sometimes I wish I could know what it all was so didn't have to waste my time... but God works in mysterious ways.. and I trust Him completely... even though it may not seem like it sometimes...
I just haven't felt this way in the longest time.. even with the last few guys i dated.. just thinking about 'him' gives me those butterflies in my stomach.. i didn't feel like that about 'booty call' and the guy before that and the guy before that... it scares me that in a matter of days i could totally see myself starting to fall.. i don't want to...
So i'm gonna listen to my horoscope... and just go with the flow.. like i've been doing... and just accept that if it ends after the run of the show.. then it ends.. and there's nothing i can do.. and that's just what God wanted to happen.. and if it lasts after the show.. then i'll keep it going until it does end... i just have to deal, right... right.
By the way.. since the shows opening this weekend.. he'll be meeting my parents.. how the hell is that gonna go down? Will he get offended if i call him just my friend? Is that he considers me? What do you think he'll call me when he'd introduce me to someone.. cuz i've already met his 'rents before all this.,.. so it was safe to call me friend.. but it's different.. should i just say 'this is so-n-so' instead of giving him a title before his name?? My stomach is turning.. i'm sure it won't be sooo bad... i hope...
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