We hit a new mark!

So.. a little update on the J/R Savings Fund.. we hit the $3000 mark the other day.. when i transfered money into it.. it's only been $20 for these last few paychecks.. techically.. if you add it all up.. that means i put in $40 total within the last month.. everyone say "ooh.. ahh.."

I know it's not much.. but every litttle bit helps.. and now that we are starting to talk about wanting to get married.. that.. icky subject of money has come up again.. not as stressful as before.. but.. i mean.. we both know it's there... so i decided to start saving up again.. a little bit at a time.. and it will grow the account.. not as fast as we both want it to grow.. but it's growing nonetheless..

I wish we make more money..

I just don't know how other people are doing it.. get married.. and making as much as we are.. and paying for the wedding themselves.. i don't get it..

If they can do it.. why can't we..

Cuz they aren't worried about living comfortably.. are they not worried about struggling badly financiallly.. i don't get it..

Are we the only careful couple around here??

By golly.. how am I going to do this..

I am so wondering how I am going to manage working with my fingernail..

I am not over-reacting.. and I am not exaggerating.. but this thing hurts like a mutha!!

Oh man.. the fast and the furious..

Paul Walker.. man.. he's a hottie.. woo wee.. I'd do him in a heart beat..

Paul Walker is too hott for words..

I should be reading.. and that's. what i'll do..

Oh man!

The beach.. I want to go to the beach.. but the beach is "dirty".. c'mon now.. the beach is always "dirty" the water will always have something..

Here's a tip..

DONT SWALLOW THE WATER.. and just rince off after wards.. duh!

Harder.. and harder..

It gets harder and harder to leave his house.. all i want to do.. the only place i want to be in.. is somewhere he's at.. i mean.. what i would give if we were just given the opportunity to just live together already.. no.. i'm not trying to pressure us into something we aren't ready too.. and no.. i'm not trying to scare him by my thinking this seriously about everything..

I mean.. I feel most comfortable.. and I feel that I am able to fully express how I feel and how much love I have for him.. whenever i'm with him at his house.. and i'm sure that would be the case if we were living together.. with no one else around..

I have the most fun when i'm with him.. i mean.. we don't even have to be doing anythng out of the ordinary.. simply.. reading together.. playing video games together.. napping together.. that is what i love the most.. being able to do the little things in life with him.. and feel absolutely complete in doing so..

So.. taht's what i mean about.. just wanting us to live together already.. to be able to start that life together already..

And I guess taht's why I tend to push the wedding thing so much.. not entirely cuz i want to be like all my other friends.. that.. honestly.. is PART of it.. but it isn't the majority of it..

I just feel so ready to give myself the rest of my life with him.. i feel like this is what i truly want.. this is what i truly need.. and i hate the fact that i have to wait so long to get it.. and that's why.. that's why i push the wedding thing.. that is why i'm so worried that it'll take longer than we anticipated..

That' is why i'm so weary about waiting til AFTER he finishes his P.T. degree..

A lifetime with him is just barely beyond my reach.. for the first time in the longest time.. i can see that future together.. i remember going through months when i would feel like it was so far away that i couldn't see it anymore.. i see it now.. clearer and clearer.. it's just still too far to touch.. but ti's there.. i know it's there now..

Sigh.. me and metaphors..

Disheartened..

It's a little disheartening to know.. that no matter what I do.. and no matter how I try.. I will never make that woman happy with any decision i make on my own..

If the decision I make caters to her.. and if i do that for the rest of my life.. then.. she'll be happy.. but i'll be miserable and sheltered.. and never know what it would be like to live my own life.. and make decisions on my own.. or know what it is like to live.. at all..

She lets my brother do it..

Why doesn't she ever let me??

I wanna go shopping..

I need to pay my credit card bill.. which i'm very proud.. stayed below $250 bucks this month!

I can save money! I know how to save money! I didn't think I could do it anymore..

But with the "saving money" i also haven't gotten anything new in a long time.. ok.. so i got a dvd and a cd.. that doesn't count.. i'm talking about clothes and shoes.. i got purses.. from my students that gave me gifts at the end of the year.. i started to get teary eyed over it.. they are so sweet..

Anyway.. i guess it's ok.. i have a lot of clothes.. i don't need new ones.. do i?

But they are so cute.. i see them everywhere.. i wish i had more money.. but i'm doing such a good job at saving.. i'm making myself proud.. maybe i'm starting to settle in my money spending ways..

Maybe i'm growing up..

I'm not liking this growing up thing.. too much..

Nobody needs to know...

I've got "the last 5 years" stuck in my head.. but i'm determined not to listen to it.. i should bring my mandy moore cd with me today.. ya.. i'm going to do that.. and ilsten to that.. the one that she sings all those covers of all those old songs.. i got it off of amazon.com..

Anyway.. that's it.. that's the big news.. that's the blogworthy information i have on this lovely tuesday morning.. with four mintues left to blog.. sheesh.. how pathetic am i..

And this is why i usually abandon some of my blog sites.. because there is nothing good to blog about..

I've completely abandoned my friendster blog.. only because i would be giving out notices every time i put something there.. and so.. i decided not to inundate peoples inboxes with alerts of my entries.. when they really didn't amount to anything but complaining about the samething.. over and over and over again..

That is just rude..

Two minutes!

Anyway.. i need to finish the constant gardener movie.. just cuz.. i was actually getting into it.. kinda..

I still don't understand the whole concept.. but i'm sure once i watch the enire movie.. twice.. i'll get it.. it's an independent.. i think.. cuz it's got that independent movie feel.. with the "artistic" camera angles.. that don't quite make sense.. but do.. when you're watching an independent movie..

I don't know.. but it's an ok movie.. i just wanna see where it goes..

So.. when did this happen?!

Um.. ok.. so how in the world did we end up half way through May.. already.. somebody give me all this flying time.. so that I can do something with it.. for goodness sakes.. i swear.. this is so dumb!

I feel like.. nothing is happening in life again.. we're all at a good place.. but we aren't moving anywhere.. finding a good place.. well.. it's good.. but there comes a point in life.. where.. we take that good place.. and move it further..

I just feel like.. we're stagnant..

It's not necessarily bad.. yet.. it's not necessarily good..

You can only stay in one place for so long.. before you start getting impatient..

And I know I should be greatful.. we're all at a good place.. for the most part.. we're all at a good place.. well.. not my parents and i.. were more on thin ice than a good place..

But there are other aspects of my life that are in good place.. and i'd like it to remain good.. but going somewhere.. or.. at least my life.. making something of myself..

I swore to myself that there will be changes this year.. and so far.. there have been.. new job.. and all.. but.. i want more.. i'm always going to want more..

Maybe i should learn to be satisfied with what i have at the moment.. learn to appreciate it a little more before i try to move on..

I've got the whole world..

I wanna watch aladdin.. iv'e been saying it and saying and haven't been doing it..

Justyn's not in the mood for "disney movies" boo hoo! Well.. I wanna watch ALADDIN.. i don't know.. i guess the stress is getting to me.. (no duh!) and now.. i need something to take me away from it.. a happily ever after to give me hope that life CAN and hopefully WILL end up in a happily ever after..

The only person i wanna spend my happily ever after with is justyn.. and yes.. another affirmation..

If that means i have to wait for it.. then.. i have to wait for it..

It was never a matter of getting married.. to get married.. i had a timeline.. and i found the person i wanted to share my timeline with.. and so.. i guess taht's why i wanted to push the married before i'm 50 thing..

But.. if it was to get married for the sake of just getting married.. i would have married any shmuck that came my way..

Not the case..

I don't know.. i'm rambling.. and stuff... it's friday.. ti's allowed!

Sing choirs of angels...

Aha! I made it to this blog site!

Thank you.. thank you..

Ok.. well.. that's it for "big dork rachel"

I think I've officially lost it.. really..

So at work.. to kill time or to divert myself when i don't feel like working.. i've found myself reading "lost" episode recaps.. you know the television show "lost"..

Now.. I know all the characters now.. but i don't know their faces.. so i don't know which actor is playing which part.. which i guess is ok.. it's like reading a book.. i'm imagining it all myself.. and sometimes.. it's better that way.. i have no time to start watching that tv show.. so.. i decided to read the recaps instead.. i mean they are very detailed so that's good.. i get to really imagine what is happening while people just watch it on tv..

Go me.. go me..

Now that I'm all caught up.. however.. I found an online library where I can read books for free off the internet..

Granted.. the reading list isn't that great.. but still.. it's more stuff to add to my list of things that i have read in mylife.. or want to readin my life..

I started off with "aladdin and the magic lamp"

Yes!

Seriously..

How much am I hating where I live right now?

Why the heck is it ALWAYS my stuff that ends up missing in this house.. first.. my camera.. now.. the stupid certificates for my students..

NOW.. I know for a fact that I left them on the table next to the candles.. because all the stuff for my kids was there.. in one place.. for the soul purpose of leaving them all in one place..

I swear.. no one cares about my stuff here.. they all care about my brothers.. but no one cares about mine..

I hate this!

Funny how some songs just stick!

So.. today is Cinco de Mayo.. and it's wierd.. that the song i learned from elementary school about this.. still sticks in my head.. and i think it'll be in my head for the rest of my life.. sad..

Cinco de mayo is holiday time..
Holiday time in Mexico..
Cinco de mayo is holiday time...
To the fiesta we'll go.. go.. go..

And true to my nature.. that is the only thing that runs in my head.. the only section of the song i know.. and the only section that plays like a broken record player..

Someone shoot me..

Ha..

Anyway.. i woke up happy today.. well.. slightly aggitated cuz of the way my dream ended.. it's on my myspace blog.. but.. my dream ended with me knowing i had to clean up and rearrange a mess made by my parents..

but i'm happy cuz i had a good dream about my boyfriend.. it's a bout time.. maybe now the dreams will change..

I love him.. a lot.. and i hate the fact that i'm having dreams about him leaving me.. maybe.. in a way.. i'm still scared it could happen.. but it could easily happen to me to.. i could easily leave him just as easily as he could leave me.. and at this very point in my life.. i don't want to leave him.. and i know that in the future.. i still won't want to leave him.. i should be trusting in him enough to know that he feels the same way.. and for the most part.. i do..

It's just that.. you know me.. i've always had a hard time trusting people and trusting the good in people.. and expecting things from people..

I mean.. that's part of it all.. i want to be comfortable in expecting that he'll follow through on his word of being with me for the rest of our lives.. i want to be comfortable in expecting that he does love me whole-heartedly.. and for the most part.. i do..

I don't know why I am still waiting for that other shoe to drop.. and for everything to fall apart again.. i mean.. we're working so hard to keep things stable.. and i believe that we can do it.. i hate myself for anticipating.. and i'm trying not to.. but.. i don't know.. i keep waiting for it to happen.. even though i know we have a choice of falling into the same hole.. or.. walking away from it..

We've chosen to walk away from it and not make the same mistakes again.. i just hope that.. nothing brings us back..

Maybe now.. i can put in the entry...

Ya.. i can finally access this stupid blogger site.. and i have only three minutes to blog about something significant and important and worth the read..

Sadly.. there really isn't anything quite worth reading.. nor worth writing right now..

I am inspired to write a short story.. but i don't know what about.. i want to write a story about something.. but i have no idea what that something is.. at least Justyn has ideas in his head for a novel.. which could actually turn out quite good.. so.. ya.. he shouldn't let that one go..

Anyway.. i want to write.. but my mind is so blank on what to write about.. that i will just stay here.. with this "want' and wait for the inspiration of a plot to come to me..

I mean.. i'm only going to start with short stories because i dont' think my imagination is capable of writin long novels yet..

Maybe I'll write a trashy romance short story.. about purple-headed lawyers and quivering mounds of love pudding.. hahahaha... justyn'll read it.. for sure!

Ya know!

Man.. it's a good thing that the first blog i wrote in here didn't work.. cuz i was writing in my other blogger blog about total randomness about music and other retardedness..

Haha.. that guy on 24.. his name is Justin.. haha.. it made me think of my boyfriend Justyn... haha..

Ok.. well.. blogger better not have a problem loading up entries.. i have heard of blogger being a pain to people's asses..

Yay.. I'm drinking chamomile tea.. nice.. it's flavored and stuff.. but still.. chamomile makes me sleep.. well.. it's said to make me sleep.. and i'll need it.. cuz i haven't been able to sleep early lately.. and well.. maybe this tea will help..

But i don't like the "vanilla-honey" ness of it all.. it's not that good.. i know that regular chamomile tea is good.. so.. maybe i should let my mom buy regular chamomile tea..

Ya know!

Man.. it's a good thing that the first blog i wrote in here didn't work.. cuz i was writing in my other blogger blog about total randomness about music and other retardedness..

Haha.. that guy on 24.. his name is Justin.. haha.. it made me think of my boyfriend Justyn... haha..

Ok.. well.. blogger better not have a problem loading up entries.. i have heard of blogger being a pain to people's asses..

Yay.. I'm drinking chamomile tea.. nice.. it's flavored and stuff.. but still.. chamomile makes me sleep.. well.. it's said to make me sleep.. and i'll need it.. cuz i haven't been able to sleep early lately.. and well.. maybe this tea will help..

But i don't like the "vanilla-honey" ness of it all.. it's not that good.. i know that regular chamomile tea is good.. so.. maybe i should let my mom buy regular chamomile tea..