I can't..

I honestly think I can't do this anymore.. I can't.. I can't handle this.. this is retarded.. and it should have blown up to this proportion.. but it did.. and now.. i can't handle it.. i don't think it should keep going.. it should just go..

Alone..

I can handle that..

I have for so long..

But I can't.

I hate life so much right now.. and yes I'm having a mental breakdown..

But you can only be strong for so long.. you can only take so much in.. you can only hold so much frustration in before you explode with anger..

Too much drama.. expecting too much.. I can't just turn it off to let you hear what you need to hear.. i'm sorry.. that's just not me.

Explosive.. i'm way too explosive for this right now.. holding it for so long.. too scared to make a move.. afraid that if i did.. you would leave me at the time.. too scared to really let it all out.. it's starting to bubble.. and i'm releasing it now.. i can't be that person you wanted me to be.. i can't be that person that can just turn it off to say "i love you" i'm sorry.. i can't.. it's not me.. and i tried.. but its not natural..

I can't handle this right now.. I can't.. I want it all to stop.. all the yelling.. all the fighting.. i don't know how to make it stop.. I don't know how to make it stop like I did before..

It's starting to get out of control again.. and I just want it done.. i dont want it to go back to where we were before.. we know what we said then.. and we're going to keep that promise.. and i don't want it to end that way.. things are too good..

But I can't handle this.. I can't..

I don't know.. I don't know..

I'm cooling off..

But I want to make it stop.. but I dont know how to make it stop.. I don't know how to stop the fighting again.. I don tknow why we're spiraling down again.. but i know it's all my fault.. I know I'm doing it again.. and I don't know how to stop..

Maybe I'm better off alone.. living my life for myself.. its what i'm good at.. fending for myself.. never having to depend on anyone else.. maybe i'm better off alone..

But I know I'm not..

I want just want to... stop...

Church..

So.. last sunday.. yesterday.. I was asked to talk about how helping out the church has changed my life..

Blessings..

NO.. blessings are not asking God for something and getting it right away..

Stewardship for the church does not mean "more brownie points" which in turn means that God will grant more blessings for you..

Blessings.. are NOT wishes..

That's what I tried to instill in my lil speech..

Scared.. yes.. I was..

I'm a performer.. not a public speaker.. and yes.. there is a difference..

Yes. I teach.. children.. and even then.. there are times I get nervous to speak in front of them... so you could imagine how i felt having to speak in front of an entire congregation..

Of all the days for the church to be packed..

I hope that I got to some people though. I really did. I hope it's encouraged many people to step forward and ask someone "what can I do to help the Church.."

That talk.. that lil speech I made.. THAT was a blessing..

Oh...

I'm watching the Oscars..

I know I haven't been around as regularly as I used to be. I know it's hard for me to blog in the mornings now.. because Justyn calls me in the morning.. so it's hard to form bloggable thoughts.. oh well.. and I try to tell myself to put in a blog entry at night.. but.. it's just so hard.. cuz.. well.. i'm so tired when I get home.. and so busy..

My week has been so busy. Work has been non stop.. it's a good thing to be busy at work. The hours fly buy so quickly.. but it leaves me so exhausted.. so so so exhausted after work..

I love it though..

I still love what I'm doing..

Watching the Oscars makes me realize all the things I wish I had time to... fashion design.. costume design.. screenplay writing.. writing in general.. anything that has to do with the entertainment industry.. in front of.. and behind.. the camera..

Sigh..

But I guess being a bacteriologist is great too!!!

Tah dah!

No.. I didn't fall off the face of the earth..

No.. I didn't fall into the toilet either..

It's just that's it's been impossible to find the time to blog lately. I should be sleeping right now. I just felt the need to add an entry in. I owe it to my readers to keep them posted to what's been going on in my mind lately. I mean.. there isn't much.. but it's not like that's ever stopped me before..

It was a good weekend this weekend.

Justyn and I took a lil trip to escondido.. which is near san diego.. to hang out with some friends of mine from college that just bought a house there late last year. It's a beautiful house, very spacious and has a great kitchen. My main concern is that a house has a great kitchen. The "martha stewart" in me demands a great kitchen in a house. She has a great kitchen... I totally love her kitchen.

Enough about the kitchen..

Justyn and I spent the entire weekend together. I love those kinda weekends. It kinda gives us a feel of how "everyday life" can be with him. I like it. I know that it's not a complete taste of what married life will be like. I know that married life isn't always going to be rosy and wonderful like our little weekends away.. but i know that if we enjoy our lil weekends.. that life with Justyn won't seem so boring..

I then had Monday off because of Presidents day.. so.. I was busy and on the go all day.

I'm exhausted.

Work is killing me with exhaustion too.. but.. lo and behold.. i still love it.. and i'm not kidding!

I will hopefully make it back to my regularly scheduled blogging.. soon..

A little "mind venting"

I wrote this on my myspace blog.. and I thought that I'd share it here.. it's just a little venting I need to do about myself.. and beign true to who I really am.. whether or not it puts me in a bad light.. I just thought.. I'd share...

Perfection.. rather.. lack thereof..
I'm not perfect.. have I ever claimed to be?

I know my faults.. I can be snobby.. I can be bitchy.. I can be spoiled..

I'm a princess.. in the worst possible way.. I know that.. I know what I'm capable of being..

I know what kind of high-hat.. "my way or the highway"... type of person I can be.. and there are many times that I am like that..

I am the worst type of person if you catch me in the wrong mood.. and i'm not a force to be reckoned with if i don't like what you are doing..

In a few simple words.. I AM A SPOILED BRAT..

Yes.. I realize this.. yes.. I know this..

Do I want to change? Well.. yes.. and no..

I do know the repercussions of this personality flaw.. yet.. in some cases.. it's gotten me to where I am today.. I've gotten many things in life because I did them MY WAY.. and rejected any other way.. because of this "flaw".. I became a relatively strong person...

But I also know that because of this.. I can turn many people away.. and in fact I have.. I could easily not blame myself.. saying that.. "it's their fault for not being able to handle me" but did I even make myself able to be handled? Probably not..

Yes.. I'm a brat..

But beyond that.. I do have a heart.. and there are a select few people in my life that do realize that.. I am a nice person.. for the most part.. I am a genuine caring person.. I love with all my heart.. and I give as much as I can as often as I can..

You cant' deny that.. I can't deny that..

I can't say that I'm going to get rid of my "bratty side" because.. maybe I don't want to fully get rid of it.. it adds to my "fiesty-ness"..

I can't say that I'm going to let it take over my life.. or I'll be a very lonely individual..

It's finding the right balance.. and knowing when to use the brat in me.. knowing when it's appropriate.. and when it's time to just shut up and let things be..

It's who I am.. and I can't deny who I am.. I have to be true to myself.. good and bad.. I just need better control over it..

So there you have it.. that's who I am.. and that's who I'll always be.. the yin and the yang.. the good and the bad.. the up and the down.. the light and the dark.. it's inescapable.. everything needs it's pair..

And if you're trapped..

Ragtime.. the new musical I'm currently re-obsessed over.. I've had the original cast recording for some years now.. and when I first got it.. I listened to it non-stop.

Now.. I'm listening to it again..

I love this show.. for so many reasons.. the stories in it are great.. the songs are awesome.. and well.. I'm using one of the songs as an audition piece when I do musical theater shows..

The song that I usually use for audition is "Back To Before"..

there was a time
our happiness seemed neverending.
i was so sure
that where we were heading was right.
life was a road
so certain and straight and unbending.
our little road
with never a crossroad in sight.
back in the days
when we spoke in civilized voices-
women in white
and sturdy young men at the oar.
back in the days
when i let you make all my choices.
we can never go back to before.
there was a time
my feet were so solidly planted.
you'd sail away
while i turned my back to the sea.
i was content,
a princess asleep and enchanted.
if i had dreams,
then i let you dream them for me.
back in the days
when everything seemed so much clearer.
women in white
who knew what their lives held in store.
where are they now,
those women who stared from the mirror?
we can never go back to before.
there are people out there
unafraid of revealing
that they might have a feeling,
or they might have been wrong.
there are people out there
unafraid to feel sorrow,
unafraid of tomorrow,
unafraid to be weak,
unafraid to be strong...
there was a time
when you were the person in motion.
i was your wife.
it never occurred to want more.
you were my sky,
my moon and my stars and my ocean.
we can never go back to before.
we can never go back to before!


It's actually very beautiful.. and I hope I do a good job singing it for the auditions coming up..

Traffic school woes.

I went to a place called "Low Cost Fun and Easy Traffic School."

Low cost? Yes..

Easy? Yes..

Fun? Well.. that's not quite what it was..

Granted.. yes.. it's Traffic School.. no one really has fun in traffic school.. but there are some places that are run by comedians.. or some that offer pizza in the tuition price.. yadda yadda yadda..

This was only $30.. I thought "hey.. why not.."

I don't know.. I was surrounded by a bunch of rude individuals that have no idea what the word "respect" means..

We all didn't want to be there.. and I'm sure the instructor knew that too.. but seriously.. do they all have to talk in audible tones at the same time the instructor is speaking? Do they all have to make some sort of snide comment to what ever the instructor was saying? Do they have to make fun of the instructors heavy chinese accent in front of him?

I was so stressed out over all the disrespect.. i was wondering where all the respectable people went to Traffic School..

Maybe they went to somewhere a little more expensive..

I hope I don't ever have to go back to traffic school.. but if I do.. then I think I'm willing to pay the extra few dollars to go somewhere that people won't be so blatantly disrespectful..

And that was my Traffic School adventure..

Red light! Green light!

So.. Saturday morning.. Saturday all day.. I'll be sitting in traffic school.

I got a speeding ticket in the parking lot of a local mall on the day after Thanksgiving.. "Black Friday" as it is known in the retail world.. yes.. I got a speeding ticket on that day..

What luck.

The geek in me is a little excited about it. I mean.. I've never gone to traffic school before.. and I"m a little curious as to what goes on and how this is going to go..

Part of me is kinda dreading it.. I don't want to be bored.. and I don't want to stay there for a whole day.. it's a waste of time.. but at least I'll be getting that ticket off my record.. which i'm glad to see get erased..

I guess I just don't know what to expect.. and because of that.. I'm usually very excited.. and scared..

So.. what are some experiences that people have with traffic school??

I would like some answers.. it would be nice to have a little audience participaton.. and I'll try to recount my day when I get back.. or when I have the time..

I hit a milestone.. last blog entry..

So.. I just realized that the last entry on this blog.. well.. it was my 500th blog entry. It was my 500th blog entry and I totally missed my chance at blogging about something awesome.. oh well..

This 501st blog isn't going to be "pulitzer prize" winning either...

Dang... I gotta go to work... maybe i'll have something better tonight.

Little things..

1. I finished the scarf that's lacking in function.. but made for fashion.. not very fashionable.. but i'm sure someone will appreciate it..

2. Justyn took his motorcycle to work today.. meaning.. I can blog this morning.. sad thing is.. i have nothing to blog about..

3. I'm on the chapter 2 review questions in my general chemistry text book.. and i'm muddling my way through the first chapter of organic chemistry.. which is all about molecular bonds and stuff.. it's all coming back to me.. but the questions are really killing me.. and i've just started..

4. I'll hold off on Biochem.. for now..

5. Shoot! I gotta go!

I am all sorts of crashing..

Three years of chemistry.. in as short time as possible..

General chemistry.. organic chemistry.. biochemistry..

I'm trying to review all these things again.. because.. it's alwasy nice to know.. especially for job interviews and such.. plus.. it's kinda fun.. i know.. i am a really lab geek.. but still.. it's always nice to review what was learned previously... especially if it's not being used very often..

After the chemistry.. i'm planning on relearning/teaching myself calculus.. i still have the text book.. i think.. so thee's no harm in trying..

I know that in retrospect.. i should have done better.. and i could have done better.. had i applied myself even more..

But like I've always said.. it's all done.. so.. i gotta take what i can get.. and just learn it all myself..

Yes, baby.. I can cook!

I made that.. it's chicken fried rice.. of sorts.. I made it all by myself.. no recipe.. just me.. cooked rice.. chicken breast.. and a bag of frozen brocolli florets..

Now.. I know most people are thinking that I'm retarded.. that.. it's a simple dish.. and that I really have nothing to be overtly proud of..

I know that in time.. I will look back and see what a dork I was for being so giddy over a lil fried rice concoction I made.. but now.. I'm proud.

It was nummy too.

Oh ya.. I think I have a favor to ask. I'm going to be applying for a job that I have been wanting since I graduated college. There is an opening for a Criminalist Trainee in the county I live in. For those that don't know what a Criminalist is.. it's the labgeek side of the CSI..

On the show.. the CSI's do both lab work and crime scene work.. in reality.. CSI's mainly work on the crime scene.. where Criminalists do the lab work.. there is an occasional overlap.. but that is how is broken down usually..

I've been wanting to do that since I had interviewed a Criminalist for a class I was taking.. but God took me in other directions..

I absolutely LOVE working in the Bacteriology department.. but I have to see where this opening takes me..

If I don't get it.. it's ok.. there are always other chances.. and there is still a chance I can apply at the county's Public Health Laboratory as a Microbiologist.. if not.. I still have the work I am doing for the lab I work at now..

I know it's all in God's hands.. but prayers for guidance would be much appreciated!