When my time comes..

When my time comes.. will I have a family and my children around to take care of me?

Will I have that?

I really want that. I tell God everyday that I want that.

Although I've come to accept that I may never get that.. no matter how much I ask for that.

Will I be alone like this forever? No husband.. no family. All I want is a family of my own. Why was I not blessed with one? What did I do to not deserve one?

I'm afraid I will die alone. Completely opposite of how my grandfather passed. I'm afraid that I won't have the loving family surrounding me in my final days.. I'm afraid that I will die alone.

I'm afraid that I will never find that special someone that will allow me to have that "happily ever after" that I've always dreamed of.

There are times where I've accepted it.. but it's moments like these.. after watching all the love and support surrounding my gramap during his final days.. that make me feel the loneliest in life.

I hope he's watching over me right now.. and helping God find that special someone that will finally make my life feel complete..

A month and a half after diagnosis..

It finally happened..

My grandfather passed away tonight. Actually, if we put in Guam time.. he passed around 6pm.

My aunt said that she kissed him when she got home from work.. and then went out to do something.. and when she came back.. he was gone.

Peaceful.

He had suffered enough during his illness, we only wanted his passing to be peaceful.

Thank God for His loving mercy.

Please say a prayer for Pedro Viray's soul.

Thank you for all your loving support and kind thoughts over the past month and a half. I really do appreciate it all.

Guam: Update 4

This may possibly be the last Guam update of the trip because tomorrow will be the last full day here. We are leaving at 5am on Saturday. The funny thing about that is we will be arriving in California at 5am on FRIDAY. It's like traveling back in time. Haha.. time differences amuse me.

Grampa is looking so frail and is constantly on morphine to ease the pain. He's lost a lot of weight since the first time we arrived and he is very much weaker from that time too. It's really sad to see and I pray that when his time comes that it will be peaceful and in his sleep. I don't want him to suffer any more than he is now.

I didn't do much today. There isn't much to do anymore. I've driven around pretty much the whole north end of the island. I can go pretty much anywhere around here. I just feel like I'm catching up on sleep now because it's going to be hard to get a good sleep on the plane ride home.

Guam is a beautiful island. I have driven through some places with amazing views of the ocean. Because of the rains, the island is so lush and green and there is life all around. The resorts are beautiful and the shopping is to die for!

It just seems like the areas that aren't resorts or used by the military are rather abandoned by the goverment. In some of the villages, the housing is old, there is graffiti everywhere and the businesses aren't thriving. I know the island's income depends heavily on the tourists and the military, but you would think that some of that money would trickle down into the other parts of the island. It seems like it's not.

Stll, I like this place and I wouldnt' mind coming back so that I can explore the south side of the island. I do know that when I do return, it will definitley NOT be for sightseeing. My return to this island will be a return I will dread. When I do return in the near future it will be because of the passing of my grandfather.

Pray for a safe flight home. Pray for peace for my grandfather and our family. Thanks for all the support and love we've received on this trip. I will try to blog again when I get home.

Love you all!!!

Guam: Update 3

The weather and everyone else's germs are finally getting to me. My throat hurts and I can feel my tonsils touching when I swallow. I am pumping myself up with liquids and vitamins trying to fight the cold that is inevitably coming.

I didn't do much today because I wanted to rest, but yesterday I took my mom and dad to the resort village for a little rest and relaxation. I have been taken out enough that I was able to drive and figure out how to get there on my own and we had fun. We found a way to get to the beach and we took a walk around there for awhile. The sand was so white and so soft and the water was a comfortable temperature to wade in.

We also got to do some shopping again and got some souviniers.

On the homefront, things are still very up and down here. The past few days have been pretty good for Grampa. He had been going out of his room and watcing TV in the mornings and I had been able to talk to him and buy him things in the store. He had been fairly strong since the last time I left a blog update.

Today, he was getting tired very easily and rested a lot today. I didn't get a chance to spend time with him today because of the cold I feel like I am getting, but he seemed to have his eyes closed a lot today. Relatives have been coming in and out of the house and visiting him, but he always asks for my dad to be by his side.

Sidenote: My dad is my grandfather's first and only son from his first marriage. My dad's mother died when my father was young and my grampa re-married to the woman I now know as my Grandma. With my Grandma, he had two daughters, my aunties, that live in Guam.

Apparently, a few days ago, when everyone else went to Mass, my dad and grampa had a good heart-to-heart talk about the past and how things could have ended up. My dad reassured him that he knew that Grampa did all he could to raise Dad and that all the sacrifices Grampa made turned out to be the best. I'm glad and I thank God that they were able to have that talk together.

Today, just a little earlier, Grampa was have an adverse reaction to some anti-anxiety medication. It scared me because I have never seen him so aggressive before, but he's calm now and we are throwing that medicine away, never to be touched again.

Thank you for all the constant prayers and love. I'll be home soon and I will be able to start sharing pictures of everything.

I love you all!

Guam Update 2

It's been a few days since the last update. It's truly been a whirlwind experience.

There are so many cousins and aunties and uncles that I have never known existed. It's hard to keep track of them all and I am sure that I will forget their names as soon as I get back to California.

All of my grandfather's children and step-children are now here. The last one flew in last night. He was so overwhelmed with emotion. All of us were. He got so excited from all of it that I think he mistook it for the almost dying and he was starting to say good bye and that he loved us all and all those things that dying people say. It was scary but luckily we got him to calm down and he's ok.. relatively.

I've also had some time to explore Guam. My gramma brings me out whenever she get the chance and my aunt took me out to the resort malls. I ended up buying $440 pair of Louis Vuitton sunglasses. Hahah.. it was great.

It's also such a contrast between life on the resort side of things versus out of the resort. It's like everyone's forgotten about the part of Guam that doesn't generate a lot of tourist income.

It's defnitely not as bad as the poor parts of the philippines, but it could still use a lot of help. I wonder if there is anything I can do when I get back...

Anyway, this is my update for now. Hope that things will get better for these updates.. but I don't think they will.

Thanks for all the prayers and kind thoughts.. keep them coming!

Guam: Update 1

I'm sitting here in a room at my aunts house.

There are tears streaming down my face. The tension is so thick in this house and everyone is spread so thin that breakdowns are quite frequent in here. There is so much stress and emotion over my grandfather that it usually comes out two ways: tears or anger.

Everyone feels so helpless, especially my grandfather. It's hard to see him depend on his children when I know him to be quite independent. It's hard to see him muster every ounce of his strength just to sit up right, or go to the restroom. Every emotion is magified at least a million times.

It's hard watching him struggle. It's hard to see the fear he is experiencing about leaving Grandma. It's hard to see my Dad so worried about his own dad.

I knew that coming here would be hard to deal with, but I feel very blessed to have the opportunity.

It's kind of funny when you think about how life works.

As a helpless child, you depend on your parents for everything. Your parents feed you when you are hungry. They change your diaper and bathe you. They hold you close when you are in need of comfort.

As time goes on and parents get older the roles reverse. You feed them when they are too weak to feed themselves. You change and bathe them when they no longer are able to do things by themselves. You hold them close and comfort them when they are sick and apprehensive about what the future brings for them.

Its the circle of life.. i guess..

This is my first update while I'm here. I'll try to let you know what's going on..

Prayers and kind thoughts are always greatly appreciated.

Tears are flowing like a river..

I had a parent meeting today.

I got so frustrated because I feel as if I m teaching to a brick wall. It seems like no one cares about anything that I have to say. I feel like no one cares about the things I want to teach them. I got so frustrated that I involuntarily started crying.

The tears started falling and I just couldn't help it. I am so passionate about what I do and why I do it and I feel like no one cares. I feel like the director doesn't seem to care about how seriously I take my job as a catechist. I really want to show these kids the beauty of the love of God.

All the feelings, all the things that I have been going through lately started building up and I couldn't help it and I cried.

That is the ONE thing I have always been told what NOT to do in front of students, but I couldn't help it. There was so much passion and so much frustration in what I had to say that I really didn't know how else I could express it.

I hope that I did get to some of the parents and that I do see an improvement in the students performance. I just pray that this is the case.

It's a countdown til my trip to Guam. I'm scared and excited at the same time.

Sigh.

Reality hits hard..

Monday.

We'll be leaving for Guam on Monday. We are leaving for two weeks.

Monday.

I will be seeing my grandfather soon.

Reality: This may very well be the last time I will be seeing him alive. Ouch.

It's painful to really think about it that way. But I don't want to psyche myself out and get all excited about it just being "another visit to family."

This is basically our "goodbye."

God has given us the opportunity to say all we need to say and do all we need to do with him. God is giving us the opportunity to have the time with him and it's up to us to make the most of it.

I have never been to Guam before. I haven't been on a plane in twenty years.

I'm excited and terrified at the same time. All through this, I know that God is with us all. The Lord is showing us the way and He has his protective arms around us and consoling us.

I am grateful for the opportunity to see him, but at the same time, it hurts so much. It hurts to think that I may not see him anymore after this visit.

I keep praying for a miraculous healing, or that the diagnosis was a fluke. Or that all of this is just one bad practical joke. But I know I'm wrong. I know this is reality, and that a miraculous healing is up to God.

Thy Will be done.

The world spins around.. like nobody cares..

If there is one thing that I have learned all the years of my life, it's that the world is always going to turn. LIfe is always going to keep going. No matter what is going on in your life, time is ALWAYS going to move forward.

The things you say, the decisions you make, are always going to be there... in the past. There is no way to take them back, the damage has been done. It's up to the reciprocating person to forgive you or move on from it. It's up to the other person on the other end to decide if the damage is repairable.

This is based on experience.. my experience..

I'm sure everyone sort of understands where I am coming from.

The world is going to keep going. The world doesn't care what you are going through. It's insensitive, but it's true. No one in the world really cares what you are going through. The mini-crisis you swear is going to ruin your life really means nothing in the grand scheme of things.

However, I have learned that the one person that truly does care (asides from family and friends) is God.

God cares about what we are all going through.. whether big or small. I know this because I can just find comfort in being able to pray about the things I go through.. even if He doesn't provide resolution immediately.

Granted.. I don't ALWAYS feel comfort and consolation.. but I know that even if I don't.. that God is there to protect me and to make things better.. that is faith..

I'm kind of rambling.. but it's just that it's hard to get the words out when describing something that's truly bigger than yourself. There are so many things that you want to say but you don't quite know how to organize it all to make sense.

Eventually I'll get the words out right and I will be able to leave a spectacular blog about faith and the world.. and how it all ties together..

For now.. we'll leave it at that.. rambles..

Faster and faster..

My grandfather is getting worse and worse and worse as the days progress. I hate to know how much time he actually has. I was hoping that we'd be able to make it to see him by June, but it looks like things are not going to go as planned.

2008 - The year of unpredictability.

I'm hoping to see him up and about.

He doesn't want to be resusitated. He doesn't want to be intubated. He just wants to go when it's his time to go.

Dear God, I hope that his time is after I see him. I want to see him alive. I want to see him alive and well enough to show me around Guam.

He's a ticking timebomb and it kills me that all of this could have been prevented if he hadn't started smoking in the first place! All of this could have been prevented if he had quit so many, many, many years ago.

Smoking is evil. It is an evil and nasty habit.

If I could I would do everything in my power to stop everyone from smoking. Don't they see the damage they are doing to themselves and all the pain and heartache they are causing their family.

Most of them do know, yet they say they don't want to deal with it.

WHY?! What kind of a mindset is that?

Look at my grandfather! Look at everyone else that has died from heavy smoking! Look at the damage they have done! Look at the damage that could have been prevented!

Why?!

This year will have meaning..

This year will be the same as every other year. This year will also be very different from all the years I have ever lived. This year will also be very different from all the years that will come.

This year will be unique just like every other year is unique.

I know how it will begin. I don't know how it will end.

I will just live it.

No more expectations. No more lamentations. I will just live. I don't want to wish for anything anymore. I have always ended up disappointed. One would like to have things happen to them so that they can look at that year and say "that was a good year.." but I won't do that.

If nothing happens this year.. then so be it.

If something does happen this year.. then so be it.

I will work towards things.. but not expect anything. I just can't live my life like that anymore. Every year just ends up a disappointment. Every year I just get hurt. I don't want to get hurt at the end.

I just don't want it to fly by so fast.. but we all know it always does.

I just want to be happy and healthy.

That is all.

The end.