I don't trust myself..

I don't trust myself enough to find the right guy... my judgement sucks... Seriously.. look at my past... every guy i've been with is totally wrong for me... how can i trust that i know when the right guy will come along.. how will i trust that i know he's the right one when he does come along...

So my horoscope is rather interesting:

An unexpected conversation with a current or potential romantic partner could end with both of you revealing a lot of your deepest feelings, Rachel. This discussion may only indirectly concern the status of your relationship, but you will learn a lot about each other that might cause you to consider seriously whether or not you want to continue with the relationship. All signs imply, however, that the relationship might change slightly, but it will continue.


Hmm.. what's all this supposed to mean... what's really truly going on.. i mean, really now.. what's going on??? Are we in some sorta M.U.?? Does this mean it all might just end after all this is through?? What does it mean that the relationship might change slightly, but still continue?? Is there a relationship, to begin with?? WHAT'S GOING ON?!?!?!?!

Just got back from chillin with the guys after rehearsal.. amazingly got home before 11:30! Dude.. this horoscope is sooo chilling...

I realized today.. that I'm not trustin my judgement with guys. I mean, seriously here... all the guys i've found myself attracted to in my past have been ALL WRONG for me.. and now this scenario.. am i using good judgement? Seriously.. i have no idea if i can trust that i'm makiing the right decisions by hanging out with this guy... do i even like him like that? Oh my gosh.. i soo don't know what's going on.. am i putting way too much thought into this??? I probably am.. he probably doesn't sit at home every night and ponder all this stuff.. he could probably care less... he probably forgot all about me now! I'm such a flippin' idiot when it comes to the opposite sex... maybe that's why I get so hurt all the time...

Working on my birthday..

What kinda madness is that?!?! Who works on their birthday? Actually, if I were in school.. i'm be at school on my birthday.. so i guess it's the same difference...

This sooo sucks big time.. i don't know.. i'm so depressed about this..

So here's the big questions... do you think he remembered? Do you think he even cares?? I doubt it.. he probably forgot and he will only say something cuz i'll say happy birthday to the other dude and that dude will say happy birthday to me and then that's when he will overhear it and remember..

He doesn't care about me THAT much to remember my birthday, or even call.. i'll just see him tonight and it'll be totally oblivious to him.. oh well.. it's not like he's my boyfriend.. or we are dating that it will make a difference.. If anything romantic were going on... i would be having a shit fit by now cuz i haven't heard from him yet.. but we aren't involved so i don't care.. see how that works?

On a lighter note.. my other friends remembered.. i was actually chatting with one of my friends until midnight and he was the first one to greet me happy birthday.. at least some people remember.. my aunt called me at work.. my cousin left a comment on myspace.com for me.. and so did my other friend... so it's all good.. people care.. people love me..

On the other hand.. it sucks to be at work on my birthday.. especially since the only thing i have on my priority list is to clean the different rooms and labs today... the clutter is driving me crazy cuz of the sudden in flux of orders and happenings.. so i decided last week that monday was clean up day.. totally forgot monday is my birthday.. so it's my birthday clean up..

Now doesn't this suck???

I was also cleaning my room last night.. and i did my laundry.. it's like i'm cleaning out my system to begin a new year of my life.. a new year.. a new chapter.. this year.. i WILL find happiness.. i promise...

The prayer blog...

Lord, you know I totally trust in You and know that You have my best interest in mind. I completely put all my faith in You and understand that You know what You are doing with me and my life... I surrender all my problems and my day-to-day struggles to You and You alone.

Please help me find the patience and strength i need while waiting for the right guy to come into my life. Please bring to me a guy who is made perfectly for me to make me happy and support me through everything i do. Please help me find the patience to wait for the guy. Please help me to know when this guy is to come along in my life. Help me know that he is the one You sent to me. Please give me the eyes to know NOT to pass him by and to give him a chance because he has been sent by You.

My goodness, Lord, this is soo hard for me to go through. And i know that other people go through so much more hardships than this. I know i'm probably low on the priority list of people You really need to help. But I know that You do think of me and the ways you can help me and make me feel better.

Lord, I just wanna know what it feels like to actually be happy. I know that there was a point in my life when i was, but that was a long time ago. I don't remember what it feels like. I want to feel that way again.

Amen.

Do I have to???

Can't I just take a nice long five week vacation to just relax and chill and sleep??? Do i really have to come into work everyday.. well except the weekends...

Can't the weekends be five days long and the work week be only two days long? Can you tell i'm really tired right now? And it's not just because we went out yesterday as a cast again after rehearsal.. I'm just feeling a tad bit burned out .. i've been working pretty hard in here.. with no help.. no break... just crankin out orders and making reagents and testing them and working and working and working..

I'm not really complaining.. i love my job.. there is some fun to it.. and i'm lucky to have a job.. but i'm feeling a little burnt out. Just today.. and maybe yesterday i was feeling like this.. oh well.. that's life.. sometimes i wish i was back at school cuz i did't have this much stuff to worry about.. i can adjust my schedule so i can sleep in a lil more on some days and wake up super early on others.. or leave for school super early to get a good spot and then sleep in my car until the time my class started.. those were good times right there.. i wish i could do that here...

Sigh.. enough with the ranting about work...

Rehearsal was fine.. i did my thing and didn't even worry about what was going on and the results were quite fulfilling.. i wasn't trying so hard to get the attention.. i don't think i should work that hard for it.. it's up to him to give me attention if he wanted to, right? It's not up to me to throw myself at him.. although sometimes i think it's the whole RB situation again with him... i don't want to throw myself at him, but sometimes i feel like i'm starting to and i have to stop myself. I'm not putting myself through that situation, besides i have it all under control... really i sooo do!

I'm needing to kill some time...

I'm letting the reagents come up to room temperature so i'm needing to kill some time in order to let that happen... So i'm here and i'm blogging...

I realized that I'm just gonna let things happen... i'm not gonna force anything cuz that usually doesn't lead to anything productive.. i'm just gonna let what should happen, happen... no more stressing, no more issues.. if it happpens... then it happens.. if it doesn't.. well, then it doesn't.. if he goes to her.. then he goes to her.. if he goes to me,. well, then.. good times!!

I don't wanna stress over something that's not really worth stressing over in the first place.. that's pointless and it takes away some time from my short life that i could have used to live a lil more... my time line would get a lil shorter and every second counts in this day and age.. so i won't let it bother me... or will it??

Rehearsals are going well... haven't started dancing or any of the choreography and that scares me... we haven't gotten close to memorizing songs and that scares me too... we need all the rehearsal we can get and it scares me that time is flying by so damn fast... this is stress worthy of stressing over... not him...

So ya.. that's all there is for now... i have another music rehearsal tonight.. which is good.. cuz we could always go through music.. can't ever get enough of that...

I think my stuff should be at a good temperature now.. maybe i should go and start this damn test... so that i can continue working on the BAM!

Why, dammit, why???

Just when i thought i was getting soo close.. closer than i thought i would... things had to happen.. fall into place.. all the pieces had to fit and i had to be pushed out of the way... I knew that our pieces didn't fit together.. but i was making it work... it was sticking enough to make it work.. but nooo.. the other pieces had to come along and make this stupid puzzle complete and now i'm pushed to the side of the puzzle that i belong in.. the side far away from the piece i was trying to fit.. so that this new piece could come in perfectly and complete this damn picture...

It's okay.. i'm used to it.. cuz it sorta happened before.. i tried to get our pieces to fit again but i got pushed to my side of the puzzle again.. but at least on my side of the puzzle there was another piece that fit perfectly and it all worked out cuz i wasn't lonely on my side of the picture... there was another piece there to fit with me... but now..

But now.. it sucks...

And we are all going to go out one weekend.. i thought it would be perfect... now it's turning out as what i expected... that i'd be royally bummed out.. cuz my life sucks...

So ya... HELLO!

Ya.. i've been helluva busy lately that I've neglected some of my blogging sites... like this one...

Let's see.. so how's life been for me these past few days? It's alright.. not mind-blowing or awe-inspiring... just so-so...

Wednesday night, after rehearsal.. i went out to eat with the three J's... that's what i'm gonna call them cuz all their names start with a J... profound, yes.. i know... ya.. anyway.. i didn't eat, but i did have three cups of lovely caffienated coffee... boy was i wired the whole night and the whole next day... i never have been so productive in my entire post-collegiate career... i got soo much shit done at work, it's not even funny!

Thursday night was supposed to be a rehearsal but i got a call right before the time i usually leave for yoga telling me that rehearsal was cancelled, so i got to go to yoga.. which was probably the best thing i did the whole week. We had a mini-power yoga class complete with sun salutations and inversions.. it was awesome.. worked my friggin ass off... got the three A's toned up: ass, arms and abs... it was the best yoga class i've had in the longest time...

Friday night was simple.. i went with my boss to happy hour at the el torrito to spend some time with ex-helica workers. It was nice.. i got to know how it was back in the day and they got to know what the company is like now... good times... mango margarita's rock! Then, the kiddies were in town so i spent some time out there... greater times...

Hence.. life is good.. for now...

I'm diggin' it

I'm bored... i finally went to yoga today... my goodness that first down-dog was a killer... my hamstrings were so damn tight... t thought i'd lost all flexibility for sure... but it was all coming back after awhile.. if anything.. i gained extra stamina... or at least i was really pushing myself today.. talk about the motivation, man!

i held my poses for the longest i've ever held them before...

it was soo good to be back... can't wait til thursday..

Dude... when the play is over.. i'm sooo gonna start taking power classes.. i've been scared.. but my friend is taking them now and she says they are awesome.. so i need to go and try them out too... ya.. that would be awesome...

I'm going fawking crazy...

Just cuz they are theater people... just cuz they didn't go to college to pursue a career in business or in science... just cuz they aren't like me... doesn't mean they are bad people right? I'm an equal to them... just cuz i have a bachelor's of science doesn't make me any better than any of them... my upbringing may have been slightly different from theirs.. but it doesn't mean i'm better... in fact.. they may be better than me because they have more of a life than i'll ever have...

Is it noon yet??

My goodness... it's sooo not even noon yet... Mondays totally suck... argh...

So my pants are really annoying today...

I spent the weekend (well.. saturday) at a church function... then i went to church on sunday.. like i always do...

Anyway... my birthday is coming up and i'm lonely... i'm putting all my faith to God that He knows what He is doing with me and my life and I put complete faith in Him that He is still putting together the man that i'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with and getting him ready for me... or is it that God is getting ME ready to meet HIM... either way... i completely trust that God has my complete happiness on his agenda and is slowly, but surely, working towards making me the most happiest i can possilbly be.. i just have to be patient..

Patience is something i really don't have... and i pray all the time that God give me patience with Him and me.... I know that he's giving me time to learn about myself and fully accept myself before I can truly let someone else into my life... but sometimes... i don't know if i can take this lonliness...

I know that i should totally trust God and know that He works in His own way... but i'm allowed to question Him sometimes, right? I mean.. it's only human nature....

Watching the spanish channel

And i have no idea what's going on.. its a boy and a girl, or a man and woman, excuse me... holding hands.. talking about something... well.. it's okay.. cuz the channel changed... but i wanna sing... but my dad is watching the tv i sing on,.. cuz it's karaoke... doncha know???

I'm bored at home...

I'm in an accepting mood right now.. i've accepted the fact that i may never get married or even find the guy that is perfect for me. As much as i want a family and a husband and kids and a pet... i've come to acce4pt that i may never have that... and it's okay because some people are not meant to have it and i guess i'm just one of those people not destined to have a family...

I can accept it... breathe, breathe... i can accept it...

Alas... there is a God...

Celebrate good times, come on!

Their plan did not pull through... so i am saved... happy days...

I heard some news today...

I heard some news today and i'm hoping that their plan doesn't pull through... well... it can pull through.. as long as history won't repeat itself.. i refuse to put myself in that position again.... it's just not right...

Just thought i'd share...

Ya.. i'm back... sorta...

Yay.. so i'm back... well.. not really back.. i'm still a lil weak and stuff.. but i'm better than I 've been since Monday...

I was literally asleep all day Monday... I cannot believe I did that.. I did absolutely nothing but get up and drink water and go back to sleep... It was nice.. i caught up with all the rest that I've needed in a long time. So i guess it was a blessing in disguise...

So i had Tuesday off because of a dentist appointment.. and I was gonna go back to work today.. but i woke up a lil dizzy and i didn't think that i could handle the long drive to work so I figured I should take another day off just to be sure...

Rehearsals are scaring me.. cuz uh... well.. we didn't have one yesterday.. and we really need them... HELLO.. we open in like... less than a month!!! Good Lord! I need to memorize my lines... considering they changed my role.. i need to memorize my lines... ya... that's on my 'things to do' list... asap...

I spent all day yesterday watching TFC and catching up on 'it might be you' cuz it's really starting to get good... i love filipino shows.. they are so cheesy and great... i wanna be a soap opera star... that's what i aspire to be...

I have a dream...
A song to sing...
To help me cope...
With everything...

I feel sick...

Ya.. my tummy is totally acting up.. i wanna throw up and just let it all go away.. my stomach feels like it's gonna explode in all directions... i know.. too much information..

It's not like anyone reads this anyway.. so i can give as much info as i please.. i dont refer any of my friends to this blog site.. so there...

I hate hate hate stomach issues... i can tolerate a sore throat or a stuffy nose or a sinus infection.. but a tummy ache.. oh gosh.. that is the worst.. i burped once... and it was a tiny one.. maybe i shouldn't have eaten dinner... but my mouth was kinda hungry...

I'm gonna go to sleep... maybe i'll feel better...

Waiting...

So my day is almost done...

Tick.. tick.. tick.. tick...

I'm bored.. waiting for my boss to comeback before I go and drop off another shipment... i guess that's all thats going on.. i need to shut this computer off so it can cool off a lil before i put it away...

Short blog.. short update.. short... short.. short...

It's killing me...

What the hell is going on.. i have no idea what is going on.. oh my friggin gulash...

There's this song.. it's called something like ' pag ibig na ba ito' or some shit like that.. i don't know whether to relate it to me or not.. i'm guessing not.. but other's might think elsewise..

Anyway... i have fifteen minutes to blog... :::thinking:::

I have rehearsal tonight but it's gonna be a pain in the ass to get to cuz of all the traffic that will be there due to the funky race event... so it's gonna be interesting... seriously...

What will usually be a five to ten minute drive to the theater may turn into a fifteen to twenty minute drive if i don't know what i'm doing.. i'm still thinking of ways to get home from work to avoid all the race shindig-ing... i need to clean off my laptop thinging.... it's grossly has my wrist print on it... maybe i shouldn't rest my hands on the damn keyboard.. i have to buy that iclear or someshit like that... argh...

Just what i needed to hear

Thank you, friend.. for telling all that i needed to hear...

I guess that I have to just stop thinking these things.. I guess i just have to stop doing what I do.. put a wall.. keep a distance... that guy is NO good for me.. he's not boyfriend material.. he's just not the one I need in my life right now... or ever... just a friend..

I need to find me a new set of boys to hang out with... a set of boys with a potential to be something more... i'm getting lonely and i'm starting to settle for middle ground again.. i need to keep my standards high... well.. not too high.. but high enough...

I'm a college graduate... i work as a scientist.. i need someone with a college education... someone with their bachelors degree in something good... not underwater basketweaving...

Thank you, friend... i needed to hear what you told me about this person... i needed to be turned off to him.. i needed to be drawn away..

But you know how i am.. outta sight, outta mind.. but then when he's in sight.. i lose all control and flirt like a mad man... or woman.. whatever...

Must turn myself off to him.. must must must... turn off... thank you, friend.. keep telling me things i need to hear.. keep discouraging me to this guy... thank you, friend, thank you...