Now.. why did that just shock me?!?!

So.. i'm thinking the same thing.. why is it shocking that he wants to do the same thing.. is it because if we both move out of our homes.. neither of us will ever be able to save enough money to do what we ultimately wish to do in the future???

It's scares me to move out because that will just set me back hundreds.. if not thousands of dollars that i could have used to help save up to pay for our ultimate goal.. and so if he moves out.. we would be in the same predicament.. we could be using the money that the both of us would be spending on individual places to live.. on a house together.. a ceremony and a house.. cuz.. ultimately.. that's what we want.. right???

I guess that's it.. and i'm not taking it back.. and i'm not going to feel badly for it.. that's how i feel.. and that's why.. no matter how much i want to.. i'm not going to.. at least not anytime soon.. i really have to see the direction the relationship is going before i can make that final decision to break away from home... and i know i'm not going to see the direction within the month.. or within the year.. but i need to see something.. and right now.. i feel like this could go somewhere.. so i'm making the sacrifice to stay.. even if it kills me..

But i'm slowly breaking out onto my own... i'm off my parents insurance.. i have my own car.. the only things they are really paying for is my gas and my phone bill.. as soon as i get my credit cards under control.. i'll take over my gas.. $200/mo.. and climbing... but if i keep my credit card spending down and use my debt card more often.. i should be able to handle that.. i make enough money.. i have to learn to use it wiser..

After i take over my gas.. then i can do my phone... then i'll be totally independent and they can't use the 'gas rule' on me.. then.. we'll see about my living place..

But now.. i have to get my finances under control.. learn to budget more..

I'm not going to take back that shock i felt.. that was genuine and i'm not sorry for it.. for once in my life.. i'm taking charge and i'm not taking any of these feelings back..

I miss Las Vegas...

I miss being in Las Vegas... I wasn't tense in Las Vegas.. I didn't even worry about time when I was in Las Vegas.. I just did my thing and I led my life..

But that was vacation. Who worries about time when your on vacation?

I guess I just feel so swamped here. There doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day to get everything done. At least in Vegas, there wasn't anything important that needed to be done.. but we had all the time in the world to do it.. because nothing seems to close in Las Vegas...

Wishful thinking I guess... to want to live the vacation-lifestyle. No one can really live a vacation-lifestyle for the majority of their life. I guess that's why it's called a 'vacation'.. and not 'life'..

Sigh.. maybe i should just take another vacation..

Tonight's ponderings...

I'm staring at the blank screen... the space for blogging seems so large and i have the sudden urge to fill it up.. I have the sudden urge to fill this box up with words.. with thoughts.. with feelings.. and i have no idea what to write about.. i have nothing in particular in my mind that needs to be brought up.. just this sudden urge to fill up the page..

Now.. i dont' want to blog aimlessly.. i've been a member of blog explosion and everyone seems to have these uberly profound blogs and blog entries.. like everyone else always has something better to say than i do..

I know i'm not supposed to compare myself to others.. but sometimes other people always seem more interesting than i am.. then again.. they don't have a great boyfriend like i do..

And i do.. and i'm thanking God everyday that I have him in my life.. we have gone through so much.. and at the points in which other couples would give up.. we haven't.. i used to question that.. thinking that we were just both to scared to be alone.. now.. i'm starting to see that it's because we care so deeply about each other.. there is love between us.. and all of our problems and all of our issues.. we are getting through them because of our love of God and of each other..

We aren't giving up on this relationship because we see so much potential.. so much love in it.. you can't give something this good up..

The object of the game is to not take it for granted.. and i think we are doing a pretty good job at that.. considering it's almost ended several times.. you can't take something like this for granted.. you just can't..

This isn't like him... what is up?

I thought we had a good day yesterday. What happened?

Good grief.. it isn't even 10:00am yet!!!

This friday sucks.. it's too slow..

The coffee i'm drinking is making me feel so wired right now.. it doens't feel that great.. but i need it.. i'm too sleepy to deal with life and work.. ha!

Then again.. when am i ever willing to deal with life and work? Um.. never.. or maybe i should say.. hardly ever..

Here's the song of the moment.. thanks to Kelly Clarkson..

"Hear Me"

Hear me
Hear me

You gotta be out there
You gotta be somewhere
Wherever you are
I'm waiting
'Cause there are these nights when
I sing myself to sleep
And I'm hopin' my dreams
Bring you close to me
Are you listening?

Hear me
I'm cryin' out
I'm ready now
Turn my world upside down
Find me
I'm lost inside the crowd
It's getting loud
I need you to see
I'm screaming for you to please
Hear me
Hear me

Hear me
Can you hear me?
Hear me

I used to be scared of
Letting someone in
But it gets so lonely
Being on my own
No one to talk to
And no one to hold me
I'm not always strong
Oh, I need you here
Are you listening?

Hear me
I'm cryin' out
I'm ready now
Turn my world upside down
Find me
I'm lost inside the crowd
It's getting loud
I need you to see
I'm screaming for you to please
Hear me

I'm restless and wild
I fall, but I try
I need someone to understand
Can you hear me?
I'm lost in my thoughts
And baby I've fought
For all that I've got
Can you hear me?

Hear me
I'm cryin' out
I'm ready now
Turn my world upside down
Find me
I'm lost inside the crowd
It's getting loud
I need you to see
I'm screaming for you to please
Hear me
Hear me
Hear me
Hear me
Can you hear me?
Hear me
Hear me
Hear me
Can you hear me?
Oh, oh, oh, oh...
Hear me
Hear me
Hear me

I have no concept of time, other than it is flying...

Well.. here I am.. blogging when I should be working. You know.. I'm sure I could get a lot more done if I would stop blogging and just work continuously. But then again.. what fun would that be? These are my required breaks during the work day.. right? At least I'm not spending hours on myspace.com. I'm branching out.. expressing myself in other blogs and in other ways.

I do have the pictures from Long Beach and from Vegas in this computer now.. i should work on putting them up on my sites.. hmm.. maybe later.. that takes too much time.. that'd have to wait..

I'm dizzy. I guess it's cuz while I was in vegas i was eating twice a day.. like normal people. Now.. i only eat when i get home. No food from dinner time to dinnertime the next day. Is that bad? Justyn seems to think so. But i think it's starting to finally take a toll on me. Maybe that explains my heart issues and the fact that i get dizzy so easy. Ya.. but at least I fit into my size 6 jeans again!

I'm sleepy.. and every time I move my head.. the room seems to follow... kinda like that tipsy feeling.. but not really cuz as the room spins.. so does my stomach..whoa.. not good..

It's official.. work sucks!

Good grief.. I go away for a week and good grief! Is there enough stuff that is piled up on me right now?

Garsh! I need another vacation. That would be terrific! Listening to Spamalot (thanks to my hunny) is helping the day go by a little lighter.. but i'm still overwhelmed by business.. but still.. it's entertaining.. so i'm glad I have it..

Grrr.. I wish I took two weeks off... sigh..

Oh well.. must get back to work!

Title?

I dont' know what to title this.. i don't even know why I'm here on blogging.. i should be getting ready cuz i have to go out today again and take care of my kiddies..

I want kids.. here.. a list of things i want.. but can't have.. at least for now...

1. Kids... well.. at least not yet.. i have to find a husband first..

2. A husband.. i'm in a relationship.. that's close to finding one.. i'd like to think that the person i am with is the one that will eventually be my husband.,. but no one really knows the future.. do they?

3. A place of my own.. that.. i am working on.. you'll see... i've made my decision.. married or not.. i am moving out within the next year or two..

4. Stability.. something that i thought i was close to having.. but was quickly taken away from me.. i would give anything to be stable again...

5. Time... this is something that i can probably never have.. once it goes,.. it can't ever be taken back.. so i must use the time i have effectively..

I guess thats all i can think of.. these are the things that i have that are important to me...

1. Love.. there is no doubt in my mind that i have love and that i am giving love.. i just pray to God that love will bring me #2 of my list of things i want..

2. Happiness.. yes.. i know i complain about not really having that.. but.. looking at my life.. evaluating what i have... and who i am with.. i am happy.. i am happy with him and with certain things.. i am starting to believe that no one can ever achieve total satisfaction and happiness in life.. because once you attain that.. what else is there to strive for? You lose your drive at life if you find yourself completely happy.. i guess...

3. Money.. and I have that.. what i need to learn is how to utilize it better.. so that I can achieve my #3... and it will happen..

Well.. i best be going now..

You know what i need more than ever lately.. Justyn. I really don't know why.. i just need him to be there for me.. i'm going thorugh something inside me that i don't quite understand and it only quiets down when he's with me.. i don't know.. i have to go so i can't elaborate.. maybe later.. on another blog site..

Still adjusting to Vegas life...

So.. it's almost 1:00am.. and i should be sleeping.. i'm back in california.. my vacation is winding down.. i should be in bed.. asleep.. i miss vegas.. the fact that there was no time there.. i mean.. no time as in.. i didn't have to worry about the time there.. there were no time constraints.. i was able to just sit in front of a slot machine and not realize that an hour had past and i was still sitting there.. and i didn;'t have to worry about work or waking up early or anything..

Vacations.. pleasant.. to a point..

Have I done this one before???

I know I've quoted song lyrics on every blog.. and i don't know if i've done this one here.. I like this song.. and with all that's going on.. with schedules and sh-tuff.. well.. ok..

"Where Is Your Heart?"

I don't believe
In the smile that you leave
When you walk away
And say goodbye
Well I don't expect
The world to move underneath me
But for God's sake
Could you try?
I know that you're true to me
You're always there
You say you care
I know that you want to be mine

Where is your heart?
'Cause I don't really feel you
Where is your heart?
What I really want is to believe you
Is it so hard
To give me what I need?
I want your heart to bleed
That's all I'm asking for
Oh, where is your heart?

I don't understand
Your love is so cold
It's always me that's reaching out
For your hand
And I've always dreamed
That love would be effortless
Like a petal fallin' to the ground
A dreamer followin' his dream

Where is your heart?
'Cause I don't really feel you
Where is your heart?
What I really want is to believe you
Is it so hard
To give me what I need?
I want your heart to bleed
And that's all I'm asking for
Oh, where is your heart?

It seems so much is left unsaid
So much is left unsaid
But you can say anything
Oh, anytime you need
Baby, it's just you and me
Oh yeah

I know that you're true to me
You're always there
You say you care
I know that you want to be mine

Where is your heart?
'Cause I don't really feel you
Where is your heart?
What I really want is to believe you
Is it so hard
To give me what I need?
I want your heart to bleed
That's all I'm asking for
Oh yeah

Where is your heart?
'Cause I don't really feel you
Where is your heart?
What I really want is to believe you
Is it so hard
To give me what I need?
I want your heart to bleed
And that's all I'm asking for
Where is your heart?
Where is your heart?
Where is your heart?
Where is your heart?

Contemplative and anxious..

Yesterday was Aquarium day.. more like Long Beach Day.. we had a good time..

Today.. I woke up uneasy.. I don't know if it's the excitement of leaving for vacation tomorrow.. or if it's something else.. i know what excitement.. it's that "can't-sleep" feeling you get the night before or a couple nights before.. it's that adrenaline rush that surges through your body..

That isn't it..

Maybe it's because I won't see him for a whole week.. but that's more like a "missing you" feeling.. I have that in me.. I feel that I miss him.. and I'm sad cuz I won't see him for a whole week..

But that isn't all of it either...

It's a feeling of uneasiness that makes me want to scream and cry.. it's a "punched in the stomach" feeling.. like something bad is going to happen. Like something might happen to me that will prevent me from seeing Justyn ever again.. I dont want to think about that.. I really don't.. I don't want anything happening to me, or to Justyn... especially to him..

But this feeling woke me up at 5:00am, 7:00am, and 9:00am... and i'd had restless sleeps in between..

God, please watch over justyn and I and my family during this week. Let me come back to him as his girlfriend, as he will come back to me as my boyfriend. Continue to bless Justyn and I with these wonderful times together. Please don't let them end. Help us find direction in our relationship once again. Don't let anything happen to him.. or to me.. please, dear God. In Your Name, we pray. Amen.

The feeling.. the uneasiness is slowly being replaced with missing Justyn... but I know it will come back.. i just don't know what's wrong...

Filled beyond capacity...

I think I am filled up to the brim with life.. i am soo sick and tired of everything right now.. it is definitely time for a vacation. I think I deserve one now.. more than ever.

I just wish life was a little easier to deal with.. i wish I could see justyn more.. I wish he wasn't so tired all the time.. but it all comes with the territory.. everything is happening for good reasons.. i see that.. but my frustration is getting the best of me.. and it's clouding my judgement..

I know that after Justyn and I endure these trying times, God will bless us with the opportunity to share as much time as we can together.. God knows that he and I want this to work out more than anything else in the world.. and I know God is testing us.. seeing how much we can actually stand.. to see if we will actually survive..

I am not going to let this time apart and our work situations get to us.. and i am determined not to let it tear us apart..

It just gets so frustrating...

Uncontrollable yawning and an inexplicable craving for sweets...

Yup.. definitely going crazy.. i am slo sleepy and I soo want a chocolate chip cookie.. but i am going to feel so guilty eating one... i'll settle for an iced no sugar added mocha at the Coffee Bean.. after work.. cuz i'm still at work.. time is going by soo damn slowly.. this isn't cool..

Sigh.. there isn't much I can do to make the time go by faster.. especially here at work.

I guess it is time for a vacation. I'm excited but at the same time kind of sad because this is another week that I don't get to spend time with Justyn.. not that we spend much time during the week days as it is.. especially with his new work schedule.. and that sucks cuz we hardly see each other and then.. we hardly speak because he's so tired.. well.. and i'm tired too.. but it's nice to know that he's still around and that he still loves me..

And i guess that when we do see each other.. our memories and moments will be cherished more.. until the day that we will be able to spend every day of our life together.. if God allows..

Happy..

See that? That was only taken last week. We were happy. We messed up just once yesterday.. don't set us back to the beginning.. remember that we love each other.. and we are bound to make mistakes.. but we love each other and remember all those happy moments.. and take them into account.. we are good together.. we make each other happy..



I'm just as lost and confused as you are now.. but remembering these moments is helping find some direction.. we both still want to spend the rest our lives together.. and though we both really don't know if it's going to happen.. we need to continue working for that.. we love each other.. you said so yourself.. help me not to give up on us.. and then i can find the strenght to help you.. but i'm losing hope.. help me not lose hope..

At kung hindi ngayon...

Sigh.. so i read.. in great detail.. the lyrics to that song.. and i don't like it.., it's saying that you mean everything to me even though we can't be together.. argh.. that wasn't the idea i wanted to display., but it's ok cuz i didn't post it here.. i think i did it in FRIENDSTER.. oh well.. but i'm fixing it here.. cuz i'm retarded..

I want to try snorkeling.. but i think i'm gonna suck so i think i should try it in a swimming pool first.. but where am i gonna get a chance to go into a pool.. the summer is almost over and i haven't gone swimming or to the beach once! Doesn't that just suck! I mean.. last year.. at least i went to the beach once.. and i was all fat.. now.. i have a slightly better body and i haven't been to the beach once.. i got to wear my swim suit to the spa.. but that was about it.. good grief.. i need the beach

At least last year..i got to experience a sun-burn.. good grief.. i need to go to Thousand Oaks and go swimming.. at least once.. at Zachary's house.. this summer is not cuttin' it for me.. i've been doing nothing but wwork and yoga.. work and yoga.. i don't even get to hang out with Justyn!

Sheesh... oh well... that's life..

I'm gonna go start getting ready for tonight...

Avoiding pessimism...

I'm trying not to expect something to happen. I have faith in God and I know that He is watching over me. He's proved that to me so many times over the past few weeks. But.. with everything going so smoothly.. its hard not to think that i should get ready for the downfall.. i mean.. it always happens..

I can't be pessimistic anymore..i can't afford to live my life in pessimism.. it's what got me in trouble in the first place.. i have to try to be more positive.. but it's so hard when i've lived my life expecting the worst.. i kinda like to think that it makes the pain a little less intense.. but it never seems to take away the pain.. expecting something bad to happen doesn't take away the fact that it hurts... then.. does it really cushion the blow?

I just don't want to screw up any of the progress that we have made.. i don't want to ruin the uphill climb.. i don't want things to go bad anymore.. it's getting harder and harder to deal with.. and it's harder and harder to pick up the pieces and put them back together.. i don['t think i have the strength to do this again if something goes wrong..

I'll just have to "let it burn"..... but i'm determined not to let anything bad happen... determined..

So much for sleeping..

I can't sleep.. I'ts almost 2:00am in the morning and I'm lying in bed.. not sleeping..

I have just discovered the joys of those logic puzzles.. you know the ones with the grid and you have to figure out which kid played which game with with parter thingy.. the ones that give you the cluse.. the ones' that you use deduction to figure out.. needless to say.. i suck.. the first one i did.. i got none right.. the second one i did i didn't really finish becuase it was getting late.. but i looked at the solutions and the ones that i had were right.. so yay!

My cousin's wedding was yesterday and although i thought that i would just be miserable and thinking about how on-edge my chances of spending the rest of my life with the man i love so dearly were.. i was actually happy.. having Justyn there really made me comfortable and happy.. he was sooo smokin'.. oh my gawd.. he was hott.. anyway..

Ya.. i was really happy he was there.. and that wedding just helped me realize how much i love him and how much i really want to spend the rest of my life with him.. i looked into his eyes towards the end of the night and felt that lil tingle in my tummy... you know.. that butterfly feeling..

Just keep praying.. and God will provide.