I'm in the mood for love..

Committed.. in love.. madly in love..

I truly think.. looking back.. that Justyn is the only guy I have ever been completely honest with about my feelings for him.. sure.. i told my first boyfriend that i loved him.. and at that point in my life.. i thought that we were going to get married.. i was crazy in love with him.. well.. crazy in love with what i had known to be love back then.. completely different now..

But ya.. in as much as i had felt for him.. i even had a hard time saying that i misssed him when he wasn't around..

I remember the first time he went on vacation and he had called me from whereever he was.. i guess he left the phone all disappointed cuz he would tell me that he missed me.. and i would jsut say.. 'ya'.. ok..

I had a hard time opening up and admitting my feelings for that once person..

I guess it had a lot to do with the fact tath i was taught to NEVER let the guy you were with know how crazy you are about him.. cuz he'll take advantage of that and step all over you and go after your sex..

But with my second boyfriend.. we weren't really "committed" so there were no real feeling there to really talk about..

The guy before Justyn.. I actually told him that I liked him.. and that was the extent of my opening up to him.. obviously.. it didn't work.. whatever..

But with Justyn.. i have been able to admit to him that i am completely head over heels in love with him.. and not flinch or get scared taht he might step all over me..

Like he had said.. our relationship is strongly based on words and emotion and actions of love.. not physical lust.. and taht is what i cherish the most about the relationship.. that knowing that just sitting in his room.. watching tv.. with his arm around my waist.. or my head on his shoulder.. is enough to let each other know that we love each other deeply..

Looking into his eyes.. and smiling.. says a lot more about how i feel about him.. than him shoving his tongue down my throat.. although.. that can be nice to.. in a loving sorta way..

So.. i'm blessed.. and lucky to have him in my life..

Your fears.. stirred up my fears..

He loves me.. and he wants to marry me.. I love him.. and my God.. do I want to marry him.. He's the only one I can really see myself spending the rest of my life with.. he has no idea how much I truly love him.. just as he says I have no idea how much he truly loves me..

But he has fears.. and doesn't think he'll ever be "ready" for that big step.. I understand that it's one thing to want something.. but it's another thing to actually follow through and do it.. yet.. he's scared that he'll be too scared to go through with it.. or that he'll never be read to go through with it..

I have fears too.. but with him having these thoughts.. I should be the strong one and comfort him..

I fear what could happen when we do get engaged.. I don't want the same thing that happened the first time to happen again.. and.. what if I'm not ready for a marriage.. I mean.. I do want to get married.. especially to him.. but.. am I really ready for a marriage.. really ready??

But.. is anyone really completely ready? I mean.. there's always that initial doubt that they feel they can really do it.. it's when that fear and doubt take over.. that people leave their fiance at the altar..

And everything about love and commitment is a risk.. I have to jump at that risk.. knowing that the mistakes we made the first time around won't happen again..

Time.. and prayer.. time.. and prayer..

Go ahead.. you know you want to..

Argh.. blargh.. and bleck..

I'm here in my room.. waiting for my hair to dry.. air dry.. ha.. that's stalling to the extreme.. no.. i'll go blow dry it soon.. and get my makeup together.. and all that stuff that comes with preparing for "the big day"..

I swear.. when/if ever.. I get married.. whom ever too.. preferably to my current.. but you know.. whatever.. anyway.. when I finally take that big plunge.. I'm going to try not to let anyone feel the way that i do about this wedding.. i want all the preparation festivities to be enjoyable.. and fun.. and not tacky and lame..

I think I'd want to go to Disneyland during the day too.. for my bachelorette... but i think that I'm end the night with a great trip to a karaoke place.. that would be fun.. so much fun.. maybe.. who knows.. maybe they are all anti-karaoke.. but.. i'm sure that it won't be so bad..

And.. maybe I'd do my bridal shower at that Rancho Cucamonga community center on Milliken and Foothill.. maybe it'll be just the girls.. and it'd be a cutesy lil tea party where everyone has to dress up in little spring dresses.. but that's only depending on when my fiance and i decide to have the wedding..

To save money.. I'd suggest we do it in the off-season..

But.. this is all speculation.. it'd be nice to be able to know for sure that I'd eventually get married.. and if things work out between justyn and i.. we just might..

But.. my life has taken so many twists and turns within the last few years.. i really can't expect anything anymore..

Go ahead.. you know you want to..

Argh.. blargh.. and bleck..

I'm here in my room.. waiting for my hair to dry.. air dry.. ha.. that's stalling to the extreme.. no.. i'll go blow dry it soon.. and get my makeup together.. and all that stuff that comes with preparing for "the big day"..

I swear.. when/if ever.. I get married.. whom ever too.. preferably to my current.. but you know.. whatever.. anyway.. when I finally take that big plunge.. I'm going to try not to let anyone feel the way that i do about this wedding.. i want all the preparation festivities to be enjoyable.. and fun.. and not tacky and lame..

I think I'd want to go to Disneyland during the day too.. for my bachelorette... but i think that I'm end the night with a great trip to a karaoke place.. that would be fun.. so much fun.. maybe.. who knows.. maybe they are all anti-karaoke.. but.. i'm sure that it won't be so bad..

And.. maybe I'd do my bridal shower at that Rancho Cucamonga community center on Milliken and Foothill.. maybe it'll be just the girls.. and it'd be a cutesy lil tea party where everyone has to dress up in little spring dresses.. but that's only depending on when my fiance and i decide to have the wedding..

To save money.. I'd suggest we do it in the off-season..

But.. this is all speculation.. it'd be nice to be able to know for sure that I'd eventually get married.. and if things work out between justyn and i.. we just might..

But.. my life has taken so many twists and turns within the last few years.. i really can't expect anything anymore..

I can do better than that!

Damn it rachel get some sleep.. you're already blogging with your eyes shut.. and despite the fact that your commute is shorter than it used to be.. there is still no point driving it half asleep.. sheesh..

Besides there really isn't anything left to talk about.. other than the fact taht TomKat had their Kitten.. and named it Suri..

Hmm.. I like it.. it's cute..

Suri Holmes Cruise.. not so much..

Suri Viray.. ok..

Suri Dodd.. uh.. NO!

Whatever.. what kinda last name.. otehr than something Japanese can that name sound good with??

April 19th...

Why does this day feel like it should mean something to me?

I know the 19th of every month is Nikko's lil monthi-birthday..

But for some reason.. APRIL 19th.. means something.. but i can't pinpoint what it is.. i don't think it's an anniversary of some sort.. but i'm not sure if it has something to do with my relationship with Justyn or not... I don't think so.. and if i asked him.. he'd say the same thing..

April 19th.. why is it so familiar.. i don't get it.. i don't know what it is..

Maybe it was a day of a party or something when i was growing up and for some reason the date stuck with me.. but then.. if it was when i was younger.. why is it only hitting me now?

Did something happen last year at this time?

Maybe I should look back on blog entries to find out.. but not now.. cuz i have to go.. but this will soooo kill me!!!

This is the world..

Ok.. so.. ya.. fine.. it's fine.. whatever.. really.. it's fine..

I'm not trying to just convince myself.. I really am fine.. and that's that.. really.. it's final.. final.. finished..

Mother's Day is coming up.. I have a $2.00 Hallmark Rewards Certificate.. I should spend it.. I don't know on what.. I don't know what to get my mother.. I guess I could get her the Sylvia Browne book I saw at the Borders.. it'd be something she'd be interested in reading.. and a Hallmark Card..

I want to die..

Life would be so much easier if I wasn't around to live it.. I see that now.. so many people would not be going through so much trauma and drama becuase of me.. if i wasn't around.. life would be more peaceful.. i'd be more peaceful.. i wouldn't be here.. and that's assuring..

I don't know..

I don't know..

Cynical town can be tough on an angel..

Oh geez..

Downloading music can be a bitch.. yes.. i said it.. bitch!

Or is it that I'm just irritated at lots of things right now.. maybe that's it..

Oh well..

I'll just read..

Actions speak louder than words..

Comfort.. that's new..

I guess.. I have to adjust..

So.. I had reached this point in relationships before.. I mean.. you spend four years with someone.. you have no choice but to get comfortable..

But with my ex.. it was a different comfort..

With justyn.. it's a different comfort as well..

With me ex.. the comfort was knowing that we had each other.. all the time.. "had" as in.. someone to always make out with.. someone to always be there... for those instances that you "wanted" them there.. and in his case.. even when I didn't want him there.. in "that" way.. you know.. what i mean...

With Justyn.. it's a comfort in knowing that we can actually sit on the couch.. and watch tv.. and really WATCH tv.. or really WATCH a movie.. comfort in know that we don't have to say a thing to each otehr in the car.. but simply hold each others hand while driving.. and know that im completely safe.. we don't have to talk.. we dont' have to be on each other all the time.. and yet.. i know he still loves me.. and still wants me.. when the time is right..

It's that kinda comfort..

And it's exactly that kind of comfort I had always looked for in every relationship.. and now that I have it.. I'm not used to it.. and it tends to worry me..

It's comfort.. and it's not a bad change.. but it sometimes makes me think that he's losing interest in me.. or in the relationship.. but deep in my soul.. i know that's not the case.. and i have to stop thinking of a relationship as a "beck and call" sexual thing.. I know that in a healthy relationship.. there are just simple quiet moments.. and that those simple quiet moments doesn't mean that he doesn't want me anymore.. or that he's losing interest..

It's those simple quiet moments that we share in which we just enjoy each other's company.. and taht's just as good as making out.. and less energy consuming..

I'm not used to comfort in this manner.. but i do enjoy it.. when i let myself go and stop freaking out about it..

Starting to get used to this thing called "blogging"...

I'm trying to find sometime to get to blogging again.. I know that once I start my new job.. I won't be able to bring my laptop to work with me.. so I'll lose eight hours of good blogging time.. and that's when i used to do my best blogging... I'll have a lot of time to think about things during the day..

And because of that.. i'll have a lot of time to sort out whether or not it's good enough to blog about..

Before.. I would just think of a thought.. and i had the blog entry window at my beck and call.. and i'd just blog blog blog without thinking.. and sometimes a lot of things were blogged about that maybe shouldn't have been blogged about.. or were totally pointless and retarded..

It relieved a lot of my mind tension.. but you know.. that's just how it goes.. i can't become dependent on a computer blogging website... ti's kinda like running away from the issues in my head.. .

I'm learning to face them.. and deal with them.. as they come into play..

Well.. I have to get ready now.. and go find an alteration place for my bridesmaids dress..

HUNGRY!

Ok.. so.. what is up with Father Bob and making Mass freakin' an hour and a half.. ok.. so I understand he has a lot of things to say.. but sheesh.. there's a Spanish Mass at 1pm.. and we're there til 12:30.. and so there's major traffic-age.. and it's not cool.. argh..

And I leave Mass.. so.. farkin.. hungry!!!

How uncool is that?!?!? I'm not amused.. I'm sure he has a lot of great things to say and stuff.. and well.. the more he says.. the more I seem to question him.. and his thoughts about things.. and about why he says Catholics should do this.. or should do that.. or should believe this.. or should believe that..

If he's trying to strengthen faith among the congregation.. he sure isn't helping me.. he's just causing me to question things even MORE!!!

Well.. that's all..

Top of the line.. and totally mine...

I'm home.. on a Saturday.. woop-de-doo..

Anyway.. I'm stuffed and I don't plan on eating any dinner tonight.. I don't want to gain weight.. I need to find an alteration service to hem up my dress.. and there are a million things I need to get done.. so today.. after I do this.. I will get my first load of laundry donee.. and then I will start doing my taxes.. I need to get those out of the way.. the 15th is coming up faster than i anticipated..

I always say that I'm going to get them done as soon as I get my W-2 forms in.. so that I can get my money faster.. blah blah blha..

And I never do..

I'm such a terrible procrastinator.. it's sad.. really..

Oh well.. I think I've complained enough about my life on my other blogs.. taht i have no desire to do such a thing here today.. I dont want to feel like I'm neglecting this blog.. because I'm not.. I like haveing all these blogs at the tip of my finger.. but I've also been spending a lot of my time trying to increase traffic to the two other blogs that i have on blog trafficking sites.. one of them earns money.. so i always look forward to getting that site more hits..

I'm up to $2.00 there.. yay!

Ok.. well.. enough bored rambling..

Torn..

I'm torn.. I'm torn toward the need of a family and a life of my own.. and wanting to further my career opportunities.. and moving forward with myself in that aspect..

I mean.. I know that when I think of it in terms of Justyn and I.. we're not ready.. financially.. we arent ready for that kinda commitment.. a marriage not only needs love, and compromise.. it needs money.. it needs a lot of money.. money that we don't have.. and in order to have that money.. we need to work on it.. and save it up.. and in order to save up money.. we both have to further our careers..

So.. we further our careers..

But.. I'm at that age where marriage and a family are pretty high on my list of things to do in life.. especially since I've finally found the person that I do want to spend the rest of my life with..

Yes.. I guess you can say that I am jealous of my friends that are finally taking that step.. but at the same time.. i know better than to jump to that stage when i'm not financially ready for it.. I know better than to put myself into that sort of situation for the sake of getting married.. I want to comfortably go into a marriage.. i mean.. there will be hardships.. but nothing bad enough to cause too many financial issues..

I'm just torn.. women have biological timelines.. and though i know that i'm still years away from reaching it.. i feel like i'm in my prime.. and a family is so high on my list.. so high.. but so far away..

I want to make something of myself in the world.. I want to be successful in the microbiological field of work.. it's my passion.. but i also want a family to share it all with.. children to call my own.. a husband to love and take care of me.. so that i can be happy and take care of him as well..

I'm ready for that plunge.. my wallet isn't..