Exercising the brain..

I'm sooo gonna be smarter than everyone..

Hahaha..

It expands your brain.. makes you smart.. I will conquer the world!

Hahah..

That dreaded day is here.. boy do I feel old!

No matter how you stop it..
Time keeps on moving..
No begging..
No pleading..
Time does not hear..

Time holds no favors..
It moves along for everyone..
No ifs..
No ands..
No buts..
No special treatment..
No exceptions..

Your mind may say no..
Your body's says not yet..
But time does not care
Time does not see..

ARgh.. it's my birthday.. and yes... thank God for blessing me with another year of life.. but seriously.. can He at least make me feel like my life is a reflection of my age.. even just a little bit.. like.. maybe i'm not living at home.. or if i am.. i am making enough to get out.. or.. something..

Gosh.. I'm 26.. but i feel like i'm 16.. and not in that "good way.."

I don't see my silver lining..

This part of the blog.. I posted on my journalspace blog..

Have you ever come across a time.. when all you want is to start afresh.. start anew.. with work.. home.. money..

I'm in that moment right now.. If I only coudl get a new job..

Now I know I have to be greatful that I have a job.. I know I have to thank God for all the blessings HE's givingme.. but why is it.. with all these blessings.. comes a lot of pain and stress.. seriously.. is that really a "blessing"..

Sure.. a "blessing in disguise".. but how?

Tell me.. how is this a good thing.. how is having a job.. but being stressed out and frustrated as hell.. a good thing..

How is having a place to live in.. but having to occasionally and more than often dealing with the fact that i'm not treated like the adult i truely am.. a blessing..

How is having a wonderful fiance.. a man that truly loves me and treats me better than any other guy i've ever been with.. but neither of us have the financial means to start a life together.. a blessing??

Answer that.. tell me that you know what the answer is.. tell me that you can sort that out.. cuz i sure as hell can't!

I mean.. seriously.. it's how I feel.. now.. I'm religious.. I"m Catholic.. a very practicing Catholic.. and i know that I'm supposed to learn to "lay all my burdens upon Him.. to trust in Him.. " and all those things..

But there comes a point in life where.. it's just too much.. I can't handle all the turmoil that I go through.. being blessed with so many things.. and so many aspects of my life.. but at the same time.. suffering so much that I start to hate what I've been blessed with (except for the fiance.. )

I need help understanding this.. I really do.. cuz I dont.. and it's frustrating..

I got that cute thingy thing..

Ok.. Dr. John was totally right about how cute those lil baster things are.. i got it today.. i think.. and my brother already opened it.. cuz i had put it to "r. viray" and well.. my brother is "r. viray" too.. so.. you can see where the mix up is.. and he is the one that usually gets the packages and stuff.. ya..

Oopsy.. didn't think about that..

Anyway.. it's completly adorable and I love it.. it's going to sooo go into the motif of my kitchen when Justyn and I get married (if god permits.. who knows when he will.. ) and so.. ya.. justyn has no say.. hahha.. he thinks he can rearrange my kitchen.. hmph.. not without my pink kitchenaid..

I love pink..

I got a pink nintendo DS for my birhtday.. actually i can't open it until my birthday.. but it's sitting in the hall way.. waiting to be opened..

I'll open it on Wednesday... that's one of the few things I"m looking forward to on that day.. PINK NINTENDO DS.. woo hoo..

Complain.. complain.. whine.. whine..

There two things I regularly complain about in this world..

Mondays..

and

Bills/Money

So.. now.. I will not only complain about them.. I'm going to try to convince myself.. that I really dont have a problem at all.. that other people are much worse than I am.. which is true.. and that my problems are nothing compared to some people..

Mondays
I hate the fact that it's the first day back from a weekend off.. weekends are too short for me.. and sometimes I would like to have that Monday off.. just to refresh.. of course.. if Monday's were off.. I would.. in turn.. start hating Tuesdays.. and thus.. I am never satisfied..
However.. I should be grateful that I get the weekends off.. there are some people that work seven days straight.. because they can't afford to live otherwise.. shame on me for being so shallow..

Bills/Money
Since changing jobs.. I have had a real problem with this.. for the past few months.. I have been positive on saving vs spending.. but this month.. i went negative.. WAY negative.. and i am not making enough money to really start building up a nest egg for myself..
I hate that I had to give up my good paying job because of stupid corporate politics.. argh..
I am looking into finding a better paying job.. but i need all the experience from this one to make my resume look really good for the next one.. thus.. I have to spend time at this job.. just for that..
I should be dang greatful I have a job.. and I am.. some people are having a heck of a time finding a job that will jumpstart their life.. i.e. my own fiance..
I just really need to learn to not spend so much.. more so.. since the holiday season is coming up fast.. looks like it'll be homemade gifts for a majority of people..

So there you have it.. my whining.. and my self-reprimanding..

I'm such a psycho!

You make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside..

I love everyone's comments on my blogs here.. I love all the support and words of encouragement I get from everyone here..

I know that turning 26 isn't a big deal.. and maybe I am over-acting about it.. it's just that.. I don't feel like i'm older.. why does the number have to get bigger.. you know what i mean??

Anyway.. thank you.. thank you.. thank you.. to everyone from the Dr. John's brigade for all the lovely comments i get here almost everyday.. I really do appreciate them.. and i'm glad to see that people are reading my blog.. yay for readers!

So.. today is international talk like a pirate day.. September 19th.. and the day is almost done.. i spent a vast majority at work.. then at my voice lesson.. so i only have a couple of hours to enjoy the pirate jargon.. unfortunately... there is no one around to talk "pirate" to..

Avast ye scurvy lads and lasses.. the days be almost over.. let's pilage the mall and collect some booty... arrrrrrrgh!

HAPPY INTERNATIONAL TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY, EVERYONE!!!

Oh man! This is exciting..

I won! I won something from Dr. John!!!

How awesome was it to wake up.. feeling the "Mondays" and to receive an email that says I won.. woo hoo..

Totally made my day.. totally made the monday feel better for the moment.. we'll see how the rest of the day progresses.. I don't suspect i could get too bad.. I just wish that I had a vacation.. I worked all week.. into this past weekend.. so.. I am actually pretty exhausted..

Top it all off with the fact that I really couldn't sleep last night.. and I don't know if it was due to that large and in charge no sugar added mocha latte I had at about 7:30pm.. do you think?? Hahaha!

Things like that didn't used to affect me before?? What gives?

Sigh.. my birthday is coming up.. in.. I don't know.. less than ten days.. OMG.. less than ten days!! SCARY!!!

Next Wednesday to be exact.. I'm not looking forward to it.. and everyone things I'm prematurely stressing over my age..

My thing is.. I don't feel like i'm 26... or getting older.. why should my number have to advance.. you know what i mean???

Grr.. birthday's suck!

Waiting for him to get home!

Hey.. he's not home yet.. he said he was working til 10.. it's almost 11 and he's not called.. I don't think I should worry.. but you know me.. I know if something happened he'd call me.. he'd let me know something's wrong.. I just don't want anything to happen..

Especially since we had that huge fight yesterday and we didn't end up seeing each other..

Argh.. I hate this.. I just wish he'd call me to let me know he's ok.. argh..

I hate being a worry-wort..

I just wish I could let it go and relax about it.. but I can't.. I can't relax until I know he's home.. argh.. he said he would call me before he left.. and call me when he got home.. it's way past all that.. maybe.. they are making him stay later.. maybe.. hopefully that's the case..

Worry.. worry.. worry..

I dont want to bombard his phone with calls.. and I dont' wanna seem overzealous in calling him every five minutes.. I just wish.. that.. you know.. I knew he was OK..

Sigh..

I can't sleep now! Argh!!!

Parts of me..

There are parts of me that just wishes that the world would just end for me.. parts of me that just wants to end my life.. and forget the world.. parts of me that don't feel like this life is just worth living anymroe.. parts of me that just don't feel like I can go on this way..

There are parts of me that just wants to embrace the world fully.. to take it all in and to make the most of it.. parts of me that want to change the existing world as much as i can.. to make it easier for the people that have it worse off than i do.. this is the part of me i love the most.. and wish would just take over the previous part..

Most of me wants to nurture.. children.. my own children.. to be a mother.. to raise a family.. to tend a home.. to be "grown-up"

Some of me wants to continue my intellectual journey.. go to school.. move farther up in my career.. make a name for myself..

Some of me wants to be an entertainer.. to resume that persuit I started back in college.. with an agent.. auditions.. gigs.. things to constantly keep me on a stage.. but the rest of my parts.. they hold this part of me back.. so i've compromised with lots of community theater..

There are other undefined parts.. and i have yet to decipher want they are.. and what they really want..

And it's baa-ack..

Anger surges through me..
No origin.. no direction..
A different life..
A different day..
That's all I ask..

Rage pulses through my veins..
I don't understand why..
The things I'd seen..
Not worth this pain..
Not worth this misery..

Simple words..
Friendly words..
Still piercing through my brain..
Happy words..
But not for me..
The cycle begins again..

It's gone!

Darn me and my sporatic surges of creativity..

It's gone.. by golly.. the creativity is gone..

And we're now beck to regularly scheduled rambling.. thank you to all those that enjoyed that temporary moment of artistic-ness..

Dang it.. it was the McDonalds for dinner tonight.. that must be it.. ok.. I'll blame the McDonalds..

I mean.. now.. there really isn't anything else to write about except for the fact that I feel like nothingness right now.. complete and utter nothingness.. which isn't the case.. I have lots of people in my life that think i'm a somebody.. i'm not nothing.. yet. i feel like nothing.. like i can disappear and no one would even notice..

Sigh..

Sigh..

Creative surge..

I'm feeling awfully creative lately.. and I appreciate all the comments I've been receiving because of it.. I never thought that my mindless rambling.. the stuff i consider my own personal poetry.. can actually relate to other people.. I'm glad.. I'm glad people find a connection to what I write..

It makes me feel like I"m not the only one in the world.. that I have people that understand me.. and I'm glad..

Thank you.. thank you.. thank you..





Disappearing youth
Days tick by..
Forward.. forever forward..
Impossible to look behind me..
Impossible to replay..

Must learn from my mistaks..
Unable to go back to fix them..
Must learn and move forward..
My only desire is to head on back..

My youth is disappearing..
Age settles in..
My life.. my world.. my visions..
Constantly changing.. with moving time..

My youth is disappearing..
Who I am now..
So different than then..

To be able to be what I was..
Knowing the things I know now..
To be able to decide what to do..
Knowing the the things I know now..
To be able to choose another path..
Knowing the things I know now..

Impossible.. Impossible..

Must move forward..
Forever forward..
Must move on..
Must move on..

The beckoning..

He calls to me..
I answer..
Blindly I follow his voice..
That voice that guides me..
I know not where..
The unknown journey to my home..

My faith will keep me..
From straying the path..
My love..
The driving force of it all..
I follow willingly..
I follow wholeheartedly..
I'll follow until.. I'm home..

Empty..

My life.. an empty container..
My life.. lifeless.. and lonely..
My life.. constant awareness..
My life.. as the world passes by..

My wish.. to live like the others..
My wish.. is to get what I want..
My wish.. is to share it with someone..
My wish.. is to share it with you..

My heart.. so lonely..
My heart.. so empty..
My heart.. yearns for your touch..
My heart.. belongs to you..