I'm just saying..

This movie kicks @ss!!!

Monday, Monday..

Well.. we went to the wedding together. It was hard, as you can imagine. The ceremony was pretty hard to get through. We hadn't told my friends what had happened to us, but they wondered why I was so off. But the cat came out of the bag eventually and they were all very supportive.

We ended up having a great time though. The reception was so much fun. The DJ really knew how to keep the party going. It was great and it was the most fun I have had since everything decided to fall apart..

So.. it was.. ok..

I am.. ok...

Never thought it'd get easier...

Other than the pics of me dancing, this has got to be one of my favorite pictures from the show. My friend captured that moment precisely. I think it's cute!

I never thought I would say that everyday that we are apart is getting easier. I have my faith. It hasn't wavered. In fact, I think that my faith has gotten a lot stronger. I am learning to surrender it all.

Surrendering doesn't mean that I have to fall out of love with him. I do love him, very much so. And surrendering my trials and pain does not mean I have to love him less. I do love him dearly, but the separation is in God's hands now. I'm just here to live my life according to His will. I still pray that His will is going to lead us back together, but I don't know. No one knows.. no one knows until we get there..

We are going to a wedding today.. sigh.. weddings.. I hope I don't cry my eyes out. But it's comforting to know that he will be next to me as we watch my friend enter into that chapter in their lives.

I just hope and pray that I may be able to enter into that chapter too.. someday..

Slowly but surely.. pictures could help..

First of several pictures I have of the ACT (Adult Chorale Troupe) Broadway show.. the last show that was the last day of my happiness.. well.. sorta..

This was the beginning of the end for us.. I hate to admit it.. but it was the events that happened before this show that sent Justyn and I on this downward spiral that I am still grasping to understand..

I have lots more pictures.. and I hope to use these to slowly move on from this depressing topic and start posting some more light-hearted interesting things again..

I did get cast into another show.. I wasn't planning on doing one this summer.. but i figure that getting out will do me good.. it's a local community theater's version of Disney's High School Musical.. I'm a cheerleader.. ensemble.. but it should be fun.. it's a nice light-hearted show.. and I should have fun.. it'll give me a reason to go out.. and learn to move on.. I hope..

Wishing.. and hoping.. and thinking.. and praying..

Sigh..

That's all..

I just think about all I have lost within these past two weeks.. and.. sigh..

"Offer it up to the Lord.."

Ya... that was yesterday.. this is today..

But no.. I am making a conscious decsion.. I have to.. every morning.. to have a good day.. I have to make a conscious decision every morning to offer all this up to Him.. I have to make a conscious decision every morning to realize that something is going to hurt me today.. but I can't let it affect me anymore..

Yes.. I can hurt..

But I can no longer live my life at a standstill.. like I have for the past two weeks..

I just want him back completely.. and I don't know if that's possible.. I still love him a great deal and I still want nothing more than to be his lawfully wedded wife.. through sickness and in health.. for richer or for poorer.. til death do us part..

I still want that.. so badly.. it still hurts to know that this could have been taken away from me forever..

"Dear God,
I need to give you this cross I bear becasue I cannot carry it any longer. I can't.. it's too heavy.. it's too difficult.. the pain is just too much. I trust that You will carry this for me, and help me deal with the obstacles I have along the way.. toward my path to healing.. but please Dear Lord, if You get a chance.. please try to help us.. we know Your Will be done.. but maybe.. if possible.. You can allow that will to involve the two of us together again? Please try to find a way.. if You can.. I trust in Your decision and Your judgement.. what ever the outcome may be.. just help me get through today.. and the next day.. one day at a time.. Amen."

Sigh..

My vocation..

I always thought I was called into the vocation of married life.. to live a life for Christ Jesus in the vocation of married life.. to bring my husband and children toward our God.. toward faith in Our God..

But is it really my call?

I don't think that the vocation of Holy Orders is for me.. I can't be a nun.. I can vow chastity.. I can vow obedience (sorta) but the one thing I know I cannot vow is poverty.

I'm being completely honest.. I can't give up my lifestyle.. I can't give up the fruits of my hard work..

I do wanna give.. give.. give.. give to the church.. especially to the children.. i want to bring all children so much closer to Christ. I want to instill a foundation of faith before they get too old and then they start to stray..

I don't want them to realize the beauty of the fatih and mercy of our God when it's too late. I don't ever want them to miss a moment of knowing how great our God is.. I don't want them to make the same mistakes that I have made.. by straying away.. and finally embracing the faith completely.. just a couple of years ago.. I want them to surround themselves in the faith.. all of theri life.. knowing that God is good.. that he is kind and merciful..

That is my calling.. to help the children.. to find ways to raise funds for churches so that they can concentrate on the children and youth.. that's what I want..

But does that mean I have to sacrifice the vocation of married life? I can have a family and all of that.. can't I?

I still don't understand why he's taken it away from me..

The movie in my mind..

High school musical.. that song.. "When there was me and you.."

Why does something from the DISNEY CHANNEL.. something I'm totally identifying with at the moment..

Gosh.. I still love him so much.. and I still want nothing more than to be his lawfuly wedded wife.. I want nothing more than to grow old with him.. it hurts to see the possiblity of him slipping away from me forever..

The pain.. the hurt..

I know it's all I blog about.. but isn't that what my blog is for.. for me to release all these feelings trapped inside of me.. things i want to say.. that i can't say.. cuz it won't change anything..

Week one...

I am still not feeling any better.. in fact.. I feel worse.. I miss him so much..

There has to be a way.. there HAS to be a way.. but I just don't know.. for the first time.. neither of us can honestly say.. "it's going to be ok.. we are going to pull through this TOGETHER.." like we used to..

I love him.. I love him.. it's simple as that.. the Lord has to see that.. God has to know that our love is strong for each other.. he has to put that into consideration.. wouldn't he?

It's so easy to say "Jesus, I trust in You.."

And I can say that a million times.. but probably only really believe it 10 out of the million times I said it..

It's hard to trust when you always feel so let down.. when I know that He does work in mysterious ways.. I know He does things in His own time.. I know all that.. I know that I won't see the answers now.. I know all that.. I know about all the encouraging words that people have been telling me..

I want to hear that our love should endure.. that because we love each other.. we should be able to make it.. that we should still be together.. that we shouldn't have broken up.. etc.. etc..

This has been the slowest and most painful week of my life.. I just want to wake up from this aweful nightmare..

I know that God will show His mercy.. that God is here with me.. His is carrying the cross I bear.. but it doesn't mean it still can't hurt..

Pray for me.. Pray for us.. Pray for something..

"My heart forevermore holds still..."

Half of me has died. I just want to curl into a ball and die. I just want to disappear and no longer feel anything.

This pain is just to unbearable. I am trying to offer it up to the Lord, but I feel so abandoned right now..

Why is it the one true thing in my life that brought me spiritual strength and guidance.. is the one that took away the one person in my life that completed me?

Why did we have to make this sacrifice? Why did it have to resort to this?

I hurt.. everywhere.. I cry.. uncontrollably..

I would give anything to have him back.. to tell me that it's all going to be ok..

Why? Why? Why? Why???

Oh dear God.. why???

Why?

I don't want to go through this anymore.

I want to wake up from this awful nightmare and find everything back to the way it was before.

If we both love each other and miss each other and want to be back together.. why can't it just be that easy to say "ok.. we're back together"

Why?

Why take away the one thing in my life I was willing to go to the ends of the earth for? Why take away someone I love so deeply and so whole-heartedly and who loves me just the same? Why?

Today.. I break down..

It's whole day No. 2 since the fateful day of our separation.. we still talk.. we're both is serious pain.. the reason we split wasn't becasue of the fighting.. but something deeper than that.. the love is still there.. love..

I would give anything to have him hold me.. kiss me.. tell me everything will be ok.. that it was all a bad dream.. that we can be together.. anything.. but that.. anything but that one thing I know I can't give him..

He hurts too.. wanting the same thing.. but we know that until we find a solution.. we can't be..

I was fine yesterday..

But today.. I'm not.. today I woke up crying and haven't stopped since.. today the pain is soo deep that I don't want to do anything... today.. I feel like half of me has absolutely died.. today.. I am weak.. today.. i hurt.. today.. is worse than yesterday.. and worse than the day before..

Please God.. find a solution..

With the ups.. comes the downs..

I can't stop crying cuz I know this can't be it. But there's a feeling deep in my heart this is.. this is it.. for us.. this is the last time I'll see him.. the last time I can ever tell him I love him.. and the last time i might ever love someone enough to want to spend the rest of my life with him..

I don't want it to end.. but part of me says that this time.. it just might have to..

Love is supposed to conquer all.. why isn't it conquering this?

Is marriage and family and life-long love just something I wasn't meant to have? If that's the case.. why give me the possibilities in the first place?

I love him.. and I will always love him.. I was willing to walk thru fire.. I would have given my life if need be.. I love him that much.. he was my other half.. the one I would be spending the rest of my life with.. I would have fought for him.. but when is enough..enough..

It wasn't supposed to end this way.. we were supposed to get married.. have children.. have grandchildren.. grow old together and live happily ever after.. we both wanted that.. that is what we were aiming for.. we have enough love for that.. why can't we do it?

Why did the Lord have to give him to me.. and take him away like this.. what was the point to all this if it were going to end like this..

"People come into our lives for a reason.. bringing something we must learn.."

What have I learned? Never to fall in love.. never to let anyone in anymore.. that can't be right.. that can't be what God wanted me to get out of this..

I know the tears will eventually stop falling. I know the pain will eventually go away.. but I'm left with these scars.. deeply rooted in my heart.. and I dont know if i can ever get past that..

When you give your heart to someone.. you never expect it back..

If you're willing to do anything to make it work.. do you do so.. or just finally give up.. when love is supposed to conquer all..

Randomness never killed anyone..

Alright.. who's messin' with the weather?

Seriously.. I hate the drastic changes of the weather. It's been happening a lot lately. From being nice and sunny and warm.. to a sudden colder and cloudy day. Why? Is it global warming?

Ugh.. my hands.. dry.. cold.. icky.. this is one thing I despise about my job in the lab.. I have to wash my hands ALL THE TIME... and so I constantly have to put lotion on.. and I have invested in A LOT of lotion lately.. sigh..

The show is tomorrow.. oh boy! Can't wait.. but I hope this drastic weather change isn't going to affect my voice that much.. I kinda need to be in perfect vocal chord health..

I've been listening to my podcasts lately.. but I've been tuning them out in my ear a lot... not good.. how am I supposed to get the most out of these podcasts if I'm not really listening to them.. I'm hearing them.. but not listening.. two very different things.. sigh..

Ok.. enough randomness.. my mind is no longer here.. i'm so dead tired.. i took a nap at lunch.. but I think I still haven't fully woken up yet..

Woo hoo!

So.. there I go.. I just sold my first EBAY item. I shipped it out today and I'm rather proud of myself. I didn't get a lot out of it. I got one bid for the original auction price, but it doesn't matter because I sold it!

I'm working on another cross-stitching piece but I have been so busy with the show that I'm going to be in this Thursday. It's performance week and so we are bustin' booty trying to get it all perfected by then.. I haven't had time to work on the new cross-stitch piece.. it'll be cute. I can't wait til it's done but it's a lot more work so I'm probably going to raise the price a little bit.

I hope that the buyer is happy with what they got and will put it to good use. I didn't frame it or anything. I specified on the auction site that I was going to leave it up to the buyer to do what they wanted with it. Also.. I don't really know what to do with it after I finish it in the first place..

I was also thinking of starting to make all-twine-knotted rosaries like the ones that they talk about on the Rosary Army Podcast. I won't sell those, but I would like to participate in donating some to their site and giving some away at my church.. but with my already busy schedule.. I don't honestly think I can handle anything else...

Plus.. even tho' this is a very selfish excuse.. I will not be making any money out of it.. I think that the overall outcome of being charitable about it and just giving them away is much more rewarding.. I don't think I'm at a good place in my life to financially be comfortable like that..

But then again.. is there ever really "a good place and time"..

It's all about the trust in the Lord.. right??

Somebody's bored..

So I tried to make a video blog yesterday, but nothing I did came out nice or worthy of actually loading onto the internet. It was all just straight retarded. Sigh..

Anyway.. the show is coming up quickly. I mean.. on THURSDAY! That's nuts! My normal schedule will resume and I'll be able to go to Church at my regular time and start singing at the other Church again soon too. I'm excited. I think this show is going to be cool. I always love Broadway Revues.. they are always cool.

Alright.. random thought..
I always thought I was a drama queen.. but Justyn seriously takes the cake.. I'm just saying..