Wishing.. and hoping.. and thinking.. and praying..

Sigh..

That's all..

I just think about all I have lost within these past two weeks.. and.. sigh..

"Offer it up to the Lord.."

Ya... that was yesterday.. this is today..

But no.. I am making a conscious decsion.. I have to.. every morning.. to have a good day.. I have to make a conscious decision every morning to offer all this up to Him.. I have to make a conscious decision every morning to realize that something is going to hurt me today.. but I can't let it affect me anymore..

Yes.. I can hurt..

But I can no longer live my life at a standstill.. like I have for the past two weeks..

I just want him back completely.. and I don't know if that's possible.. I still love him a great deal and I still want nothing more than to be his lawfully wedded wife.. through sickness and in health.. for richer or for poorer.. til death do us part..

I still want that.. so badly.. it still hurts to know that this could have been taken away from me forever..

"Dear God,
I need to give you this cross I bear becasue I cannot carry it any longer. I can't.. it's too heavy.. it's too difficult.. the pain is just too much. I trust that You will carry this for me, and help me deal with the obstacles I have along the way.. toward my path to healing.. but please Dear Lord, if You get a chance.. please try to help us.. we know Your Will be done.. but maybe.. if possible.. You can allow that will to involve the two of us together again? Please try to find a way.. if You can.. I trust in Your decision and Your judgement.. what ever the outcome may be.. just help me get through today.. and the next day.. one day at a time.. Amen."

Sigh..