No day.. but today..

I am writing this on Monday night.

In Guam, it's Tuesday.. probably early evening.

In Guam.. today was my Grandfather's funeral.

My grandfather is at his final resting place and I am feeling so many different and conflicting feelings.

I'm sad. I miss him. I feel like we took his presence for granted when he was alive. I feel like we didn't take too much time out of our lives to give him a simple call. Granted, he was hard of hearing and communicating was difficult... but the mere action should have been done. I miss him a lot and if I could go back in time, I would have made sure we would have kept in touch with him so much more.

I feel relief. I feel relief that he is now resting in peace. He is no longer suffering. He is happy and healthy with the Lord. I thank God everyday that He showed mercy on my grandfather and gave him a peaceful passing. I thank God that my grandfather didn't suffer and struggle for air in his final minutes.

I feel blessed. I feel blessed that I was able to spend that time with him. I feel blessed that I can still remember how it felt for him to hold my hand so tightly. I feel blessed that I remember what it feels like to kiss him on top of his bald head. I feel blessed that I can close my eyes and still see him smiling at me. I feel blessed that I was able to have him look at me.. and with pride in his eyes tell me "I'm your grampa!" Those were the last words he had spoken to me. I feel blessed to have the opportunity to cook a meal for him and for him to actually eat it.. with his own hands. The minute he found out that I was cooking... he made sure that he was to eat it.. and he made sure that he was to feed himself.. Blessed. I thank God everyday for that opportunity.

It's a big rollercoaster ride of emotions over my grandfather's passing.

This is my greiving process.

This is my world..