Did I do this one here?

"Thank You For Loving Me"

It's hard for me to say the things
I want to say sometimes
There's no one here but you and me
And that broken old street light
Lock the doors
We'll leave the world outside
All I've got to give to you
Are these five words tonight

[Chorus:]
Thank you for loving me
For being my eyes
When I couldn't see
For parting my lips
When I couldn't breathe
Thank you for loving me
Thank you for loving me

I never knew I had a dream
Until that dream was you
When I look into your eyes
The sky's a different blue
Cross my heart
I wear no disguise
If I tried, you'd make believe
That you believed my lies

[Chorus:]
Thank you for loving me
For being my eyes
When I couldn't see
For parting my lips
When I couldn't breathe
Thank you for loving me

You pick me up when I fall down
You ring the bell before they count me out
If I was drowning you would part the sea
And risk your own life to rescue me

[Solo]

Lock the doors
We'll leave the world outside
All I've got to give to you
Are these five words tonight

[Chorus:]
Thank you for loving me
For being my eyes
When I couldn't see
You parted my lips
When I couldn't breathe
Thank you for loving me

When I couldn't fly
Oh, you gave me wings
You parted my lips
When I couldn't breathe
Thank you for loving me

I don't know if ever posted this song here... but i think this is the best way to describe thi nagging feeling i have in myself.. after justyn and i talked about what was bothering me.. and after i realized that it's just my impatience getting the best of me.. i became overwhelmed by this deep strong urge and feeling.. i coudln't explain it until this song came up on my iTunes.. and it just felt so right.. and maybe this is what i've been wanting to say to him.. this is what i want him to know i'm feeling..

It really takes a special type of person to handle me.. to stay with me this long.. and still tell me that he's happy to be with me.. really.. it takes a really special person.. amazing.. i know...

Hmmm... i think i need new undergarments...

OMG! They killed off Michael Vartan! NOOOOOOO!

Ya.. i'm watching Alias... i only watch that show for him.. cuz he's a definite hottie! OMG.. he's close to perfection... he's up there with Ashton!

Change.. change.. change.. i just feel like i need change.. like i'm restless and i need something new to snap me out of it.. like.. i want to just be in a new place.. with a new life..

I'll start with underwear.. it's high time i buy some new undies... i'm feeling the need for cutesy undies... i remember my ex used to buy me cute undies every christmas.. four years of cute undies.. now.. i have to get them myself.. hahahahahaha...

Have you ever felt so much emotion.. so much love for someone or something.. that you just wanna shout it out the window.. and you just want to be next to that thing or that person right now.. just to be near it..

I feel like that.. right now..

Keep on movin... gotta keep on movin'..

I am officially beat! This is true.

I just want to go to bed. But I have to go and prepare for tonight's class. There is no rest for the weary.. that's for sure!

My birthday has come and gone... so begins the 25th year of my life. I am going to accomplish something this year... so that i will be able to look back.. as i am approaching 26.. and say.. yes.. i've had a good year.. i got a lot accomplished.. life has been good to me..

I want that.. i really do.. andi know i'm going to have that.. i just know.. it's in my blood man.. in my bones!

In an effort...

In a desperate attempt to put my life back together.. i've come up with this strategy for today.. music..

1, 2, 3 bend
1, 2, 3 stretch
1, 2, 3 bend
1, 2, 3 stretch

Here's a message that I'm sending to you
You can do what you want to do
A little work never hurt no one
It's the only way to get things done

Chorus:
Put your mind to it, go for it
Get down and break a sweat
Rock and roll, you ain't seen nothin yet
Mind to it, go for it
Get down a break a sweat
Rock and roll, you ain't seen nothin yet

My love is strong whenever you're around
I walk on air, I barely touch the ground
And I'm so happy that you're with me now
You'll never see me in the lost and found

Chorus

My love is set for you
The rest is up to you

Yeah yeah yeah
Oooh oooh oooh
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah

I feel so good whenever you are near
You make my troubles seem to disappear
You're the one that I've been searching for
Cuz everyday I love you more and more

Chorus

Get down and go for it!!

From Saved by the Bell.. it's a tad inspirational.. a tad cheesy.. but whatever works..

I should be bloggy...

All by myself.. i am bloggy..

I'm lonely.. tired.. alone.. lonely.. lonely...

Nothing in the world seems to console me right now.. not even the comforting words from my beloved boyfriend.. they just seem to slide off me.. they can usually comfort me in times like this.. i can usually feel the words wrap themselves around me and i can feel them comforting me and making me feel better.. cuz it makes me feel like he's right there.. even if he can't be there.. his words were enough..

Now.. it doesn't.. it just makes me feel even more lonlier knowing that he isn't here and he can't hold me or make me feel better..

I don't know what's wrong with me anymore.. i really don't.. usually after some soul-searching.. i can figure out the deep root of all this funkiness... now.. even if i do find some reason.. it's not deep enough.. it's still something else.. something i can't describe.. something i don't know..

Gosh.. someone pass me the prozac!

So much fun!

Oh my gosh.. today was fun. The first time in a long time that I did something on my own that I was satisfied with. Today was my first day of CCD class. The kids were awesome. They were attentive and fun. I had fun. I'm sure they had fun too.

Thank God for this opportunity. You really know how to show Your presense in my life. I'm forever greatful.. even though I don't seem like it.

I have got 10 minutes.. then it's off to the church i go!

Oh my gosh.. i have 10 minutes then i get to drive off and go to church and then prep for my class and oh.. there.. it starts..

I actually should go now cuz i have to get gas in my car first. And since the gas is cheaper here.. then.. i should just go here...

I can't wait til the week is over.

Plus.. i was just thinking.. he needs to save money this week cuz we're going to knotts next saturday.. aren't we? But he gets paid anyway.. but ya.. it's better we just do dinner/movie than anything else.. it's not like i've ever asked to we wow'd and wined and dined.. i just wanted to hang out..

What better thing to do...

So.. i've been sitting here.. on the computer all day.. blogging and surfing.. i've found a new past time.. movie trailers.. yes.. i am watching movie trailers.. joy of joys.. but i am compiling a list of movies i think i should see..

1. There's this Cameron Diaz movie.. called "in her shoes" or "in your shoes".. something about shoes.. looks good.. might make me cry..

2. That Reese Witherspoon movie that's out.. the one about "Just like heaven" or something..

Can you tell I'm bad with movie titles..

3. "Yours, Mine, and Ours" Only cuz Dennis Quaid.. is muy hott in the trailer!!!

The only thing that sucks is that Mac's use Quicktime.. and the quality is great.. but it just takes forever to load.. i'm still in the middle of the Yours Mine and Ours trailer.. but i still put it on the list.. well.. dennis quaid is HOTT!!!

4. "The Thing About My Folks" it looks cute...

You know.. i'd be going through this list a lot faster if these damn trailers loaded faster...

Ah! I give up!

The sun is shining.. it's a lovely day..

NOT!

Nothing to do at work.. and it's only 12:30pm! Ok.. can the day go any slower?

I'm antsy.. i need to do something.. i need to go somewhere.. i need to go shopping.. oh my gosh! That's it.. that's what I feel like I need to do.. i need to go to the mall..

Now that's bad.. when i have withdrawls and cravings to go shopping.. and it's not like i really want to BUY anything.. i just want to look around in stores and see what i can find.. which does usually end up in me purchasing something.. i gave into this about two weeks ago and i ended up buying my Coach purse..

Am I becoming a shop-a-holic? Is that a really medical condition? Is it a real addiction.. holy crap!

I'm so screwed!

Turkey on bagel.. swiss and mustard only please!

So.. here I am.. at work.. ok. ok.. i gave into my stomach's urge to eat.. damn it! So i ate as minimal as possible.. check the title.. that's what i ate..

Seems harmless enough.. nothing to get all chubby over.. and it was pretty good.. yummy.. had it at black coffee... that's why.. their sandwhiches are BOMB! Cuz I still use the word BOMB!

Sigh... so Justyn used that "I'm a sucker for your face" line on me yesterday after reading this blog. I basically called him a dork. Ya.. that was my reaction.. i'm sure that if it were in a more serious setting i would have swooned. But then again.. i've heard the line already and made some pre-conceived notions about it.. so i don't think i can ever take that line seriously..

By the way... i forgot to mention where i got it.. i got it from "My Fair Brady" the reality show based on Peter Knight and Adrienne Curry.. you know.. Peter Brady and that American's Top Model chick.. they met on that one reality show.. The Surreal Life and then got together and now have their own reality show.. talk about drama.. i thought justyn and i had our share of it.. man.. they take the cake!

Sigh.. my stomach feels heavy..

I'm a sucker for your face..

That has to be either the most sweetest.. or most cheesiest.. or most corniest.. or most lamest complement a guy has to give his girlfriend..

No.. Justyn didn't tell me that.. although i really don't know what I would do if he told me that. I dont know if I'll smile and think that's the cutest, sweetest thing... or if i'll make a snide remark.. it probably depends on the mood at the time..

Anyway.. i do know that i'm a sucker for his hugs... i love being wrapped up in his arms and feeling his entire self pressed up against me.. even in a non-sexual way. I think I'm most comfortable with life when i'm in his arms..

I'm still within the first 100 pages of East of Eden. I should be at least 200-300 pages into it.. I officially suck at reading.. so.. i'm going to try to read to at least page 100 today.. if its the last thing I do.. it's not that the book isn't interesting.. I forgot how wordy John Steinbeck can be.. but i also forgot how sucked into it i can be when reading his books.. it's feels like the wordiness doesn't bother me.. it enhances the reading experience..

The end!

Sigh.. boo.. hiss... and all that other bad stuff...

I got the chills.. this sucks.. and i don't know why..

My jaw is tight.... and now hurts.. hence.. giving me a head ache..

You know.. what I really need is a hug.. but i know i won't be getting one tonight.. and with my luck.. i won't be getting it til next week.. and.. honestly.. i really need it asap..

And.. i can be really selfish and tell him to do his best to come over tonight and give me this hug.. and maybe under different circumstances.. i would.. but things are a little different this time around.. and i should put him in a position to choose.

Where he needs to be is far more important for him than my simple request of a hug. He has nothing to feel guilty over.. cuz i know that if he reads this.. he just might start feeling it.. trust me.. it's ok..

Now.. in a totally unrelated note.. i broke another nail.. well.. not today.. it's been broken for awhile.. but today is the day i think i'm going to be brave and just chop it all off.. all my nails.. and just start over.. cuz it bugs the crap outta me when i have nails of all different lengths and file styles...

It's a bummer.. but i gotta do.. what i gotta do..

By the way.. sorry for the really pointless blog.. i'm running outta things to write!

Well.. so much for life...

I can't blog about my current disappointment.. i already did on xanga.. and my new outlook on these blogs is to blog on a different topic per blog.. so that you don't read the same thing over and over and over again.. just on different depth levels..

I'm trying to strive on originality..

So.. I'm sitting here in bed.. ok.. lying here in bed.. at 9:30pm.. yes.. that is early.. it's just that after I heard that news.. i really don't feel like doing anything else.. and i can do nothing but lie in bed.. so i'm taking advantage..

All over the news is the annulment of the marriage between renee zellwegger and that country guy... gosh.. i just hate how celebrities.. or other normal people.. consider marriage so trivial..

When i get married.. it's for life.. unless i'm being abused.. then i think that's suitable grounds for divorce.. but marriage is marriage.. a union.. you are promised to someone for the rest of your life.. and that's what people need to understand.. but they don't.. they think it's ok to get married becuase if it doens't work out.. then they can just get a divorce.. NO!

Then you might as well just stay in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.. sheesh..

Whatever.. i'm gonna go lie here somemore.. i was gonna read.. but i really don't feel like doing that either!

Yes.. I can think I'm cool now...

Yes. I believe I am cool. Because I officially own a COACH purse. Now I know your thinking "big deal" and "I know people that own Louis Vuittons and Burberry"

I know.. I know Coach is not the end all and be all of purses.. and believe me.. before I die.. I am going to own a Louis Vuitton and a Burberry purse.. trust me..

But.. it's just that owning that purse is..

1. My stepping stone to Louis and Burberry..

2. A testament to all the hard work I've endured through college and career...

I mean.. i've worked so hard through all my classes and suffered through it all.. and i work my little tushy off at work..

And I wouldn't have the purse.. if i didn't have the job

And I wouldn't have the job... if i didn't finish school..

So... it's just my lil award for all the hard work I've put myself through.. and my birthday pressie to myself cuz i'm cute..

Trust me.. once I get my Louis.. and my Burberry.. I'm set..

But.. everytime I go to the Louis stores.. i never really find anything I like.. not like Coach or Burberry.. so maybe i'll bypass the Louis.. and go for the Burberry.. until I find the Louis i really want..

There ya go.. taht's the plan..

It's not anger.. it's frustration..

I'm not mad.. really I'm not. There is no reason for me to be mad. I'm just frustrated. At everything, I am frustrated. There is really nothing to be frustrated towards.. but I am.. i'm frsutrated and aggrevated.. but not angry.

I just don't know what to do with my life anymore. I just don't know where it's going.. or what i'm doing anymore. I don't know if this is the direction i'm supposed to be going. I don't know if this is the right direction i'm supposed to follow. With so many things going against everything I am doing right now.. it's no wonder why I am thinking of doing everything in the complete opposite. Maybe things would run smoother that way.

I just need to know whats going on right now. I just need to know I have a future. I know.. i'm not supposed to be thinking about it. And I know that romantically, I need to be thinking one day at a time. And he's told me that being at a standstill isn't always a bad thing.

But I just don't feel like he's ever going to bother with thinking about the future. Suggesting we take a step back and go through things at a slower pace.. its just made me feel like i've given him an invitation to stay the way we are.. and not talk about anything that can further the relatioship. Everytime I start to think of what's next.. he reminds me that I'm not supposed to think of the future.

What the hell? I mean.. isn't what we are all living towards.. isn't that the future?? I know I'm not supposed to dwell on the future... but it doesn't mean i can't think and try to see where my life is going.. i need to knwo.. and if he doesn't see a future.. then.. it's time to start to let me go.. cuz i don't want to be strung along in a dead-end relationshp..

I need to know.. that he has plans for us.. maybe not immediate.. but that we are working towards somthing.. right now.. i don't feel like we are working towards anything.. and that' only works for a little while...

I'm not trying to add any pressure.. becase it's not just my romantic situation that i'm frustrated with.. ti's everything else.. it's my whole life..

Am I going to stay at home forever.. will i never be able to do the things normal 20-somethings do.. like take weekends with my friends.. or with my boyfriend.. or party or do whatever...

Am I always just going to be stuck working and styaing home.. what am i going to do with my lfie???

I don't know.. i really don't know!

Here I am.. not asleep..

There are so many things to worry about. If it's not my problems, it's other things. But these problems we are all facing have put my life into perspecitve. At least my life isn't being threatened. At least the man in my life is not a psychopath. At least I don't have children taht i could potentially hurt in these situations i am in.

I'm just so worried that she could make the wrong move and many, many people could end up suffering her consequences. There are too many innocent people she's involved.

I don't want to see any of them get hurt.

There is just so much to pray for. So I am going to offer my prayers and my thoughts and my love and support to everyone out there.

I am also going to offer a prayer to justyn and his family. My thoughts.. my prayers.. my love.. and my support to them too..

I know God would let anyone down. He is by all of our sides, guiding us to where we need to be. Comforting us in times of need. He's here, watching over all of us.

:::silent prayer::::

Amen.

I broke a nail yesterday!

I broke a nail yesterday. I was doing stuff at work.. I guess that's when it happened. I noticed it on the drive home. I was looking at my hand.. as opposed to the road.. and saw my nail was broken. I was not a happy camper. Finally all my nails were at a relatively good length and still filed down really nice from my previous manicure.. now i have to cut it and then trim the rest of my nails down to relatively match.. and there goes the really nice filing job..

Ya.. i'm complaining about a broken nail.. so what?

I'd rather concentrate on my broken nail than on what's been going on in my life lately..

A broken nail my be trivial.. but it's a nice detour from dwelling over the more serious problems in life..

But I guess with shorter nails.. I can type much easier.. and i can thumb wrestle (and win!) Justyn without him complaining that my nails are digging into his palm..

I think I just made lemonade!

If only everything were that easy...

Aggitated..

Why does it seem like everything I do.. think.. or say.. pisses her off? Why is there no pleasing her? I am not out there to do the complete opposite of anything she says.. but i do have my own mind and i would like to do my own things once and awhile..

I do nothing but do as she says... i hardly ever question a damn thing she tells me to do.. i compromise all i want to do for the sake of avoiding her going off on me.. does she not ever see that? Does she not ever see that I bend over frickin' backwards to just avoid conflict...

What the hell have I done that is so friggin' wrong in her eyes that makes every other move I make just a mortal sin? I don't understand why she has to pull such an attitude on me and then justify it with the whole 'unconditional love' speech..

Do I have to leave this house for her to realize how valuable I am? I have not done anything wrong.. every thing I have done has only been to stop her from questioning me.. all the lies i have to tell.. just to avoid confict..

If she was open to everything and allowed me to tell her anything.. like she always says i should.. then maybe i wouldn't have to go around and tell half stories about certain things.. and then when i do tell her the real story of whta i did she never believes.. well.. she never believes me about anything anyway..

She isn't better than me in anyway.. we both have a bachelors degree.. the only difference now is that she is older than me... i am in the same place she was in at her age.. no less.. i am not behind her in anyway.. why does she continue to treat me like i'm 2 inches tall..

God.. I just wish You would show me some mercy.. let her see taht I am not a bad person... show her that I am her daughter and I am not a little girl.. show her that I am a full-fledged adult with a mind of my own.. show her that I want to live like everyone else..


God.. please.. i beg You.. please.. help me.. help her.. help us.. please.. please.. please.. please...

Ha!

So you would think that since I have been praying to God about what to do about my living situation.. and how I told God that I think I've finally decided that it is best for me to move out.. and how I asked God if that was the right thing to do.. you would think that He'd show me that living at home isn't a bad idea. He'd show me how good I really do have it here in my house. That I should just continue to bear with it until that blessed day comes that i may get married and start a home of my own..

Nope...

God had done nothing but show me that I have made the right decision.. He has seemed to make my life harder than it's been before.. every little thing I seem to do or feel in this house is now the object of criticism.. they have done nothing but raise my blood pressure and cause my heart to beat so hard that i feel like it's going to explode.. and then they have the nerve to blame it on my relationship... can't they see that they are the ones that are making me sick like this???

Anyway.. i have a plan.. and i'm not going to rush things.. i want to be financially stable and responsible enough that when i do tell them i'm moving out.. i have a concrete arguement.. i can tell them.. and they'd believe me that i'm ready..

If this is what needs to be done.. this is whats going to be done...

I just need God's continuing guidaince over me..

OMG! I'm such a control freak!!

It's amazing how much I learn about myself when I let someone else take over...

I am such a control freak!!!

So this is the second time i've let the other lab guy fill up an order.. all by himself.. and oh my gosh! What I wouldn't give to just sit there and watch every move he makes to make sure he does it MY way.. but i know he can't do it MY way.. he has to find his own groove to it.. but it kills me cuz i know i could have gotten that order out hours ago.. but he needs to learn.. and he's doing pretty well.. for a beginner...

Breathe in.. breathe out.. breathe in.. breathe out..

At least I'm not the one busting my ass doing the work.. hey.. look at that.. i made lemonade.. and i actually feel better about it too!

I get to sit here and veg out in front of my laptop and chat with justyn.. yay for letting someone else do the work!