It's not anger.. it's frustration..

I'm not mad.. really I'm not. There is no reason for me to be mad. I'm just frustrated. At everything, I am frustrated. There is really nothing to be frustrated towards.. but I am.. i'm frsutrated and aggrevated.. but not angry.

I just don't know what to do with my life anymore. I just don't know where it's going.. or what i'm doing anymore. I don't know if this is the direction i'm supposed to be going. I don't know if this is the right direction i'm supposed to follow. With so many things going against everything I am doing right now.. it's no wonder why I am thinking of doing everything in the complete opposite. Maybe things would run smoother that way.

I just need to know whats going on right now. I just need to know I have a future. I know.. i'm not supposed to be thinking about it. And I know that romantically, I need to be thinking one day at a time. And he's told me that being at a standstill isn't always a bad thing.

But I just don't feel like he's ever going to bother with thinking about the future. Suggesting we take a step back and go through things at a slower pace.. its just made me feel like i've given him an invitation to stay the way we are.. and not talk about anything that can further the relatioship. Everytime I start to think of what's next.. he reminds me that I'm not supposed to think of the future.

What the hell? I mean.. isn't what we are all living towards.. isn't that the future?? I know I'm not supposed to dwell on the future... but it doesn't mean i can't think and try to see where my life is going.. i need to knwo.. and if he doesn't see a future.. then.. it's time to start to let me go.. cuz i don't want to be strung along in a dead-end relationshp..

I need to know.. that he has plans for us.. maybe not immediate.. but that we are working towards somthing.. right now.. i don't feel like we are working towards anything.. and that' only works for a little while...

I'm not trying to add any pressure.. becase it's not just my romantic situation that i'm frustrated with.. ti's everything else.. it's my whole life..

Am I going to stay at home forever.. will i never be able to do the things normal 20-somethings do.. like take weekends with my friends.. or with my boyfriend.. or party or do whatever...

Am I always just going to be stuck working and styaing home.. what am i going to do with my lfie???

I don't know.. i really don't know!