Absence...

There has been such a somber mood in the house since my friend passed away. He was way too young for that. The acceptance is sinking in.. and life is moving on... but he will always have a special place in my life..

Because of that I haven't had much of an urge to blog. I guess that's why I hadn't lately. But here I am again. Many lessons learned.. many thoughts running at full speed..

I'll have enough thought processes to create several blog posts for the next month.. so I'd encourage you to keep reading.

Today, I want to talk about something more pleasant. I want to get my mind off the death and the sadness and talk about something else..

The boyfriend.

He and I haven't seen each other for what will be a month next week. I am going down to visit him next week. Last time I saw him was the first weekend of November when I went down there to visit him..

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder.. well.. I do miss him.. A LOT. I know he misses me.. and I think that's what makes me miss him more..

I know that the following week is going to go slow as I start to anticipate my going down there to see him.

Sheesh.. I pray that one of these years that the situation will change.. and we wont' have to be long-distance anymore..

But for now.. this is what we gotta do..

It couldn't possibly be happening to me..

This is something that only other people go through.. not me.. I don't have to deal with losing friends too soon in life.. stuff like that doesn't happen to me.. stuff like that happens to other people..

I could only wish..

It happened on Saturday. He got into a really bad accident at work.. I found out Sunday morning.. and have been on pins and needles ever since.. worrying out of my mind.. praying that he'll pull through..

Then.. I get a call late Sunday that he was officially brain dead..

Today.. they pulled the plug.

My friend is gone. He's my age.. and it was an accident. It shouldn't have happened.. it was an accident.

I'm shock and still can't believe this happened to such a great guy. He was a great friend and I will miss him lots..

I know I will see him again in Heaven. I know that he went peacefully. He doesn't have to feel pain anymore. I just wish that it didn't have to happen so soon. It all happened so fast.. my world is absolutely shaken.. it shouldn't have happened to him..

She's coming back on Friday..

Wait.. today's only Thursday..

It's been a busy Church week for me. Yesterday was the Bible Study. Today is a meeting for potential Eucharistic ministers. I am one, it's just that I want to start serving at Sacred Heart eventually. And then tomorrow is choir rehearsal.

I should have set up camp and spent the night at the Church this week.

Not only all that.. plus juggling this week's school work.

I guess it's a blessing that he isn't coming over this week.. or in the subsequent weeks.. let's me catch up on school..

But that isn't to say that I was going to sacrifice and work extra hard during the week in order to make some time on the weekends for him..

But well.. what can I do..

Anyway.. my workday is almost done.. so I can rejoice in surviving another day at work with my sanity.. hee hee..

Say goodbye..

Say good-bye to November.. and hello to December.. well.. at least that's what it feels like to me.. especially after finding out that I won't be able to see the boyfriend until December..

It's like.. I won't see him til December.. and then.. soon after.. he leaves for his trip.. then I won't see him til January whenever.. may even be as late as February..

It's going to be a rough few months on the relationship.. but taking it one week at a time.. I guess we can make it work..

Sucks.. but this is real life..

I guess in a way.. it's a blessing.. I'm swamped with work for this Finance and Accounting class I am taking for my MBA.. it's absolutely maddening how much work I have to do for this class.. I honestly can't wait til it's done. We are on Week 3.. halfway done.. so it's going by quickly.. but still.. I can't wait to be done..

I went to my first bible study class.. it was interesting and I learned a lot.. not about the bible just yet.. but it was an introduction.. and it was really interesting..

I can't wait til the next week.. and the weeks to come..

So.. this is my life for the next couple of weeks.. they say absence makes the heart grow fonder.. well.. let's hope so!

Weekend recap..

Ok.. well.. let's see.. the weekend was alright. Nothing majorly exciting happened. It wasn't a "boyfriend" weekend, so I had to fill it up with non-boyfriend activities.

Saturday I woke up nice and late. I slept in which felt marvelous! Went to a friend's aunt's birthday party. That was pretty fun.. I did feel a lot underdressed as we were required to wear jeans as a choir. We were singing for the Mass and for a little program that they had for the birthday girl. We we required to wear jeans and it was a little embarrassing because there were several people there that were more dressed up because it was an 85th birthday party at a little local hall. I was assuming a little more dressier than jeans-casual.. but no... we "had" to wear jeans because we all wanted to look "uniform.."

We all could have looked uniform wearing something a little nicer than jeans.. but whatever.. I'm not the "leader" so I don't have say..

I had fun despite feeling under dressed.. which we really were.. but whatever.. I'm over it.. hahaha..

Sunday was full of Church and homework.. homework.. homework..

That was my weekend.

On a lighter note.. I have decided to join a Bible/Catechism of the Catholic Church study class at my parish. It's on Wednesday nights and I'm excited. I missed going to Bible Study and now I get the chance to do so again.

I am sooo ready to open my mind and heart to all the teachings of the Catholic Church and to see how everything we believe in is rooted in Scripture. That's going to be so fun!

Can't wait!

Glyde-ing through life..

That is a picture of my new phone. No.. it's obviously NOT a blackberry.. and I did good with not spending too much money.. and not adding any additional monthly services.. or increasing my monthly phone bill..

It's still something I need to get used to.. the touch screen is pretty awesome but I am still getting used to where the buttons are and what they do and where they lead me. The QWERTY keyboard is a tad different than my old phone and the way I have to hold it to text is a tad different.. but I am overall satisfied with my phone choice.

It's a lot smaller than my old phone and less bulky.. so I did good.. yay!

Man.. oh man..

Fires. In Santa Barbara. Many, many homes are being destroyed as I type. Wow.

Tragedies like that make me realize that my own life could be so much worse than what I have. In reality, I have it fairly well.

Blessed. Prayer is all we really have.

- - - - -

Yawn. I can't believe that tomorrow is Friday already. Having Tuesday off for Veteran's Day really threw me off. I can't believe how thrown off I was this week. It wasn't as bad as I anticipated but it was still a little odd to have a day off in the middle of the week and it wasn't a sick-call.

- - - - -

I got a new phone. No.. not a Blackberry. I compromised with myself and decided to go with the Samsung Glyde. I didn't have to add any extra services.. therefore.. my monthly phone bill is the same. It's a nice phone and it's taking some getting used to.. but it's working out so far.. it's got a touch screen. The closest I'll ever get to owning an iPhone. I'm happy about it.

- - - - -

My unofficial firstborn son has an email account. I'm officially old!

Shaken.. and stirred..

I have to admit that the events of the past weekend, tho' had a happy ending.. have left me a tad bit shaken..

I guess when relationships take one of those bad turns.. and make you reevaluate everything you thought you knew about it.. you can't help but feel a little shaken about it..

I mean.. in the next few days.. what if he changes his mind..

That's the main concern.

But I just keep thinking that if we decided what we decided.. then.. that's it.. right? I mean.. I'm not going to change my mind.. and we both have a lot of things on our plate right now that we don't have time to change our minds.. right?

It's just that minor "re-building" period that I seem to hate so much.. the minor insecurity.. trying to keep your mind open to whatever will happen from now on..

Finally realizing that the relationship you are in is not invincible.. that the relationship you are in is vulnerable to everything that everyone else's relationships are vulnerable to.. that the relationship you are in is not the exception to the rule..

One day.. one month.. at a time.. no more.. no less.. or else it may seem highly overwhelming..

"I'll pray for you.."

I'm sure that is a saying many of us have encountered.. and many of us had said.. I'm sure we say it everyday!

But now.. let's think about it..

For all the people that you say "I'll pray for you.." how many of us actually do?

For some of us.. that term is used very loosely.. if someone is going through a hard time.. or someone tells us of their minute problems.. the first instinct is to tell that person "I'll pray for you.." but when it comes down to prayer time.. you may forget..

Or is that just my problem?

I've begun to start generalizing it.. "Dear God.. for those people I said that I would pray for today.. I'm offering prayers to their need in the hopes that whatever they are going through or whatever they need be resolved and taken into Your loving care.."

Is that sufficient?

Or should I start writing stuff down and pray in detail?

I mean.. I'm sure it counts.. right? Prayer is prayer.. intention is intention..

I just feel bad for the people that may really be going through something I end up lumping them into my general "I'll pray for you.." prayer.. instead of praying intently for that person's needs..

Something to think about.. what do you do?

Stormy weather..

Welcome to November.. weather and all..

Got back from San Diego.. it was.. interesting.. and let's just say that.. it all turned out for the better..

I found the peace and I found a reason to smile again.. because I know.. and that's all I needed to know.. in the end.. that's all I needed to know..

And that's all I am going to say about that.. for now.. hahaha..

I gotta start winding down.. and focus on the homework at hand.. I can't find the concentration.. maybe because I am still not 100% sure what the assignment is asking me to do write about.. it's only a 700 word minimum. That shouldn't be so hard. I can blog about 700 words if really given the time..

I should be able to finish that paper in no time.. yawn..

Too bad I only got a few hours of sleep last night.. and a two hour nap before I went back home..

But we all know that is never enough sleep for me..

All pretty and dressed up..

Halloween.. 2008.

The picture was taken from the church choir's halloween party and choir rehearsal. Granted.. we didn't spend too much time reshearsing.. and much more time partying.. and karaoking..

You get a room full of singers together.. with a piano in one room.. and a karaoke in another room.. what did you expect?

Of course you are!

Well.. we didn't really "talk" like I want to.. but in my own way.. I found a way to get something out of him that I have been wanting to hear for awhile..

I am important to him.

I mean.. I guess I did always know that.. it's true that he wouldn't make the drive up here every other weekend or so.. without any complaints.. if I wasn't important to him..

Actions do speak louder than words..

But sometimes words mean a lot.. it's just something I wanted to hear.. and it's made me feel better about him.. and about me.. and about us.. and I'm slowing patching things up in my mind..

Now if I could just adjust to the Daylight Savings Time change.. then life would be perfection.. hahaha!

Important..

It's nice to be wanted.. isn't it?

I mean.. it makes you feel somewhat important in someone's life.. right?

I just feel like.. I'm not important.. I'm not important to the one person that I shoud be somewhat important to.. and well.. it sucks..

Six months later.. you would think that I would have gained SOME importance.. I mean.. I'm not asking for top priority.. but at least some sort of status.. some sort of stature in the hierarchy of his life..

I felt important before.. when we first started going out.. when we first met each other.. when we were getting to know each other.. I felt important then.. and now.. as the months go by.. I just feel less and less important.. it's like.. he doesn't even try anymore.. the only effort he makes is when he drives up here every other weekend.. and spends the weekend with me.. outside of that.. it's like.. he barely cares..

I mean.. he's not a bad boyfriend at all.. there are moments when I we are both there.. both in the same moment.. where I feel we are both on the same page.. and then.. he pulls back..

I don't know what he's afraid of..

And the longer this is going.. the more I'm losing interest.. and I'm just scared that by the time he realizes to fix this.. I'll be so deep into my "shut down" mode.. that I'm not going to want to fix it anymore..

Sad thing is.. I don't think he realizes what's going on right now.. and when we talk.. it's like.. he's so oblivious.. it's hard to get the coversation started..

Why can't he realize that I'm actually hurting here?