Am I allowed to be selfish?!

What about what is best for ME?

Sometimes I feel like I have sacrificed so much for everyone else that I have totally forgotten about me and my needs and what I want out of life.

Since when did I not count anymore?

I want to get married. I want to have children. I want to have a family. I want a husband to love me and support me mentally, emotionally, spiritually, financially. I want a husband that I can support mentally, emotionally, spiritually, financially.

I want to be able to plan a wedding.

I want to go house hunting.

I want to plan a baby shower. To build a nursery. To have a child. To have a family.

Why isn't it happening to me? How long do I have to wait? How long do I have to journey through life this way?

When is it all going to happen to me?

:::So concludes my selfish rant. I shall go back to my normal self.:::

Go Wildcats!!!

Baseball..

Life throws you many, many different kinds pitches..

If you wanna relate your life to baseball.. I guess.. it just means you gotta be prepared to hit what ever life throws at you.. sometimes.. you miss.. sometimes you do hit it.. and it just goes in all sorts of odd directions.. and sometimes you hit it.. and someone catches and ruins everything.. or sometimes you hit it.. and it rolls around before someone grabs a hold of it and ruins everything.. sometimes.. you hit it.. and it gets tossed around.. but you still succeed..

And then.. there are those chance moments when you hit the ball outta the park.. HOME RUN!

I'm still waiting for my home run.. but I've always sucked at baseball..

"We're all in this together.."

It can go in ANY direction..

I'm at a point in my life that I can go in any direction..

I may or may not be working at my workplace by the beginning of September.. my contract ends September 1st.. and I did apply for a permanent position.. but I don't know if i'm going to get it.. I would love to.. but I just don't know.. no one is saying anything.. and i'm kinda too scared to ask..

I am not getting married anymore.. at least not next year.. so.. I don't really have to plan on completely settling down and starting to deal with the realities of married life and possible family life..

My life could go anywhere..

I was thinking of changing careers.. going into nursing if I don't get this permanent position.. the local community college has a program where you can "go up a ladder" in a career in nursing.. starting with being an LVN.. working for awhile.. then go back to school for another 2 years to become an RN.. then.. I'd work more and then enroll at this other school to work on my Bachelors Degree and eventually a Masters Degree in Nursing..

It's a good thought.. but I am also realzing that I did get a good bachelors degree in Biotechnology.. which my parents worked really hard to pay for me to get.. and why waste it? So.. I'm having second thoughts about this career change..

Offering it up to the Lord..

I guess that's all I can do.. is just offer up my future.. where ever the Lord takes me.. who knows.. I may just get sent into a while different direction than I am anticipating right now..

It's human nature to be frustrated and impatient about the unknown.. it's overcoming the humanity.. that's faith..

I am still thinking about getting a theology degree at a Catholic University down in San Diego.. I'd like that.. I think it'd be interesting.. maybe specialize in Scripture.. or Catholic history..

What ever direction the Lord takes me.. I should follow wholeheartedly.. I just hope that when he does start showing me where to go.. my eyes will be open enough to realize that I am being led somewhere..

Glamorous!

I've been waiting..

Wow.. what a weekend..

Rehearsal was RIDICULOUS! Hahah.. ok.. here's the part where I complain about stuff..

First off.. I'm NOT a runner. I don't run. I dance. There is a difference. I can dance, a lot, and I won't get excruciatingly tired. But if I have to run, oh boy.. I will NEVER recover!

The choreographer for the show had us run four laps around the theater block. It's not THAT bad.. and to be honest.. I have been wanting to start running.. but still.. FOUR LAPS.. for someone that hasn't really ran since her high school days.. that's A LOT OF RUNNING!

I know he meant well.. to build up the stamina so that we are able to get through the entire show without really exhausting ourselves.. and like I said.. I have been wanting to start running.. but I thought that I'd be able to go at it at a much slower pace... and it's not like it was running.. it was more like jogging.. but still..

I have bad knees..

My knees are what have been making me hesitant to start running.. but I really have been wanting to..

We'll see.. but my shins are hurting.. my poor legs aren't used to that kinda abuse.. hahah!

Oh well.. and he wants to do that every saturday.. hmm.. looks like i'll be coming late every saturday rehearsal.. hahaha!

All sorts of busy..

I have been living all sorts of busy lately.. being in the show is really starting to take it's toll on me.. this rehearsal schedule is killing me. I mean.. maybe it wasn't so bad if the theater was within 5 - 10 minutes from me.. but this theater is a good 20 - 30 minutes from me.

I suddenly remember why I've been so hesitant to branch out and do theater in other cities.. it's because of the horrendous driving..

I mean.. I guess I'm having fun.. I think it's cuz i'm the oldest of the "high school students" cast in this show.. and by at least 10 years of a difference.. that I really don't feel like I mesh well with the cast. I mesh well with the music director and choreographer.. only because I have worked with them sooo many times in the past.

I guess it also has something to do with the fact that I have been working/singing with adults so much, especially when i do stuff in Rancho for the Victoria Gardens Cultural Center..

I love the show.. I love the music.. it's fun no-brainer type stuff... and being able to dance again is GREAT.. but argh.. I feel like i'm getting too old for all of this!

Combating the darkness..

I've decided that I must not dwell in this "dark night" any longer. I think I've mulled over it for way too long and there is no other way out that to physically get myself out.

I think that the only way to really get out of this is to completely embrace the faith that has brought me into it. God gave this to me for a reason, and I believe it was to fully be able to understand why and how I believe in my Catholic faith. By immersing myself in it's teachings and message, I think I am finding my way out of this dark night by finding the inspiration and love of the Lord that I felt I had been missing for the past few weeks..

We believe in one God, the Father, the Almighty, maker of heaven and earth, of all that is seen and unseen. We believe in one Lord, Jesus Christ, the only Son of God, eternally begotten of the Father, God from God, Light from Light, true God from true God, begotten, not made, one in being with the Father. Through Him all things were made. For us men and our salvation He came down from heaven: by the power of the Holy Spirit, He was born of the Virgin Mary , and became man. For our sake He was crucified under Pontius Pilate; He suffered, died, and was buried. On the third day He rose again in fulfillment of the scriptures: He ascended into heaven and is seated at the right hand of the Father. He will come again in glory to judge the living and the dead, and his kingdom will have no end. We believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord, the giver of life, who proceeds from the Father and the Son. With the Father and the Son, He is worshiped and glorified. He has spoken through the Prophets. We believe in one, holy, catholic, and apostolic Church. We acknowledge one baptism for the forgiveness of sins. We look for the resurrection of the dead, and the life of the world to come. Amen.

This is what I believe.. this is what I embrace.. this is what is going to take away my dark night.. this is what I will use to combat my dark night.. this is what will save me from the darkness..

When the world.. explodes..

My dark night of the soul..

If I could.. I go to church everyday. If I could.. If I had the time, I'd visit the Blessed Sacrament everyday.. at least until I feel like God is with me again..

Yes.. my dark night of the soul.. when I feel most abandoned by the one that I put my full faith and trust in.. I know that I am not abandoned. In fact, I am sure that it is this time in my life that He is probably most closest to me.

It always seem to feel that He isn't there with me. I know that couldn't be further from the truth. He is always there, holding my hand, watching over me and guiding me. But I still feel so alone.

It's hard to make myself believe otherwise. And I think that is why I really have that need to visit the Church as often as possible. I think that is why I have this deep longing to visit the Blessed Sacrament. I just don't have the time, nor the availability.

My parish has exposition on the first Friday of the month and it's passed already.. so I have to wait til next month.. there are parishes in Riverside with perpetual adoration.. but I don't have time.. but I think that i should one of these days.. I really think I should..

I just need to be in that physical presense.. maybe that will help.. I just dont know..

I pray that this dark night passes soon..

Footloose and fancyfree...

If he took the picture at the point that I had stretched my arm up a little more.. it'd be perfect.. right now.. I just look like I have bad posture.. hahah!

I think I have stuffed my life with so many things right now that I am numb to all that I am supposed to be feeling. Now that I have a day off and now that I don't have much to do I feel so many things that I know I have been running away from.. Darn..

Happy Fourth of July!

May everyone have fun and enjoy the fireworks!

All that time..

I had an eventful weekend. I went to Disneyland and got my premium annual pass. It means I can go to Disneyland any time I want to! Ya baby!

I went to rehearsal and went out to dinner with some castmates. That was fun. It was nice to feel included in a group of people again. I have separated myself so much from life and everyone since the breakup. I'm slowly making my way back as a member of civilized society.

I just want everything fixed. Together or not.. I just want things to have a sense of certainty, and direction. I'm not one for this "one-day-at-a-time" business.. though I am learning.

I also know that God has His way of guiding me. I'm open to whatever He has for me.. though I'm still very discouraged at the fact that He allowed all this madness to happen in the first place.. I'm human and I'm allowed my moments of weakness.. but I also have to trust in Him.. it's a daily struggle that I hope will get easier in time..

I'm just saying..

This movie kicks @ss!!!

Monday, Monday..

Well.. we went to the wedding together. It was hard, as you can imagine. The ceremony was pretty hard to get through. We hadn't told my friends what had happened to us, but they wondered why I was so off. But the cat came out of the bag eventually and they were all very supportive.

We ended up having a great time though. The reception was so much fun. The DJ really knew how to keep the party going. It was great and it was the most fun I have had since everything decided to fall apart..

So.. it was.. ok..

I am.. ok...

Never thought it'd get easier...

Other than the pics of me dancing, this has got to be one of my favorite pictures from the show. My friend captured that moment precisely. I think it's cute!

I never thought I would say that everyday that we are apart is getting easier. I have my faith. It hasn't wavered. In fact, I think that my faith has gotten a lot stronger. I am learning to surrender it all.

Surrendering doesn't mean that I have to fall out of love with him. I do love him, very much so. And surrendering my trials and pain does not mean I have to love him less. I do love him dearly, but the separation is in God's hands now. I'm just here to live my life according to His will. I still pray that His will is going to lead us back together, but I don't know. No one knows.. no one knows until we get there..

We are going to a wedding today.. sigh.. weddings.. I hope I don't cry my eyes out. But it's comforting to know that he will be next to me as we watch my friend enter into that chapter in their lives.

I just hope and pray that I may be able to enter into that chapter too.. someday..

Slowly but surely.. pictures could help..

First of several pictures I have of the ACT (Adult Chorale Troupe) Broadway show.. the last show that was the last day of my happiness.. well.. sorta..

This was the beginning of the end for us.. I hate to admit it.. but it was the events that happened before this show that sent Justyn and I on this downward spiral that I am still grasping to understand..

I have lots more pictures.. and I hope to use these to slowly move on from this depressing topic and start posting some more light-hearted interesting things again..

I did get cast into another show.. I wasn't planning on doing one this summer.. but i figure that getting out will do me good.. it's a local community theater's version of Disney's High School Musical.. I'm a cheerleader.. ensemble.. but it should be fun.. it's a nice light-hearted show.. and I should have fun.. it'll give me a reason to go out.. and learn to move on.. I hope..

Wishing.. and hoping.. and thinking.. and praying..

Sigh..

That's all..

I just think about all I have lost within these past two weeks.. and.. sigh..

"Offer it up to the Lord.."

Ya... that was yesterday.. this is today..

But no.. I am making a conscious decsion.. I have to.. every morning.. to have a good day.. I have to make a conscious decision every morning to offer all this up to Him.. I have to make a conscious decision every morning to realize that something is going to hurt me today.. but I can't let it affect me anymore..

Yes.. I can hurt..

But I can no longer live my life at a standstill.. like I have for the past two weeks..

I just want him back completely.. and I don't know if that's possible.. I still love him a great deal and I still want nothing more than to be his lawfully wedded wife.. through sickness and in health.. for richer or for poorer.. til death do us part..

I still want that.. so badly.. it still hurts to know that this could have been taken away from me forever..

"Dear God,
I need to give you this cross I bear becasue I cannot carry it any longer. I can't.. it's too heavy.. it's too difficult.. the pain is just too much. I trust that You will carry this for me, and help me deal with the obstacles I have along the way.. toward my path to healing.. but please Dear Lord, if You get a chance.. please try to help us.. we know Your Will be done.. but maybe.. if possible.. You can allow that will to involve the two of us together again? Please try to find a way.. if You can.. I trust in Your decision and Your judgement.. what ever the outcome may be.. just help me get through today.. and the next day.. one day at a time.. Amen."

Sigh..

My vocation..

I always thought I was called into the vocation of married life.. to live a life for Christ Jesus in the vocation of married life.. to bring my husband and children toward our God.. toward faith in Our God..

But is it really my call?

I don't think that the vocation of Holy Orders is for me.. I can't be a nun.. I can vow chastity.. I can vow obedience (sorta) but the one thing I know I cannot vow is poverty.

I'm being completely honest.. I can't give up my lifestyle.. I can't give up the fruits of my hard work..

I do wanna give.. give.. give.. give to the church.. especially to the children.. i want to bring all children so much closer to Christ. I want to instill a foundation of faith before they get too old and then they start to stray..

I don't want them to realize the beauty of the fatih and mercy of our God when it's too late. I don't ever want them to miss a moment of knowing how great our God is.. I don't want them to make the same mistakes that I have made.. by straying away.. and finally embracing the faith completely.. just a couple of years ago.. I want them to surround themselves in the faith.. all of theri life.. knowing that God is good.. that he is kind and merciful..

That is my calling.. to help the children.. to find ways to raise funds for churches so that they can concentrate on the children and youth.. that's what I want..

But does that mean I have to sacrifice the vocation of married life? I can have a family and all of that.. can't I?

I still don't understand why he's taken it away from me..

The movie in my mind..

High school musical.. that song.. "When there was me and you.."

Why does something from the DISNEY CHANNEL.. something I'm totally identifying with at the moment..

Gosh.. I still love him so much.. and I still want nothing more than to be his lawfuly wedded wife.. I want nothing more than to grow old with him.. it hurts to see the possiblity of him slipping away from me forever..

The pain.. the hurt..

I know it's all I blog about.. but isn't that what my blog is for.. for me to release all these feelings trapped inside of me.. things i want to say.. that i can't say.. cuz it won't change anything..

Week one...

I am still not feeling any better.. in fact.. I feel worse.. I miss him so much..

There has to be a way.. there HAS to be a way.. but I just don't know.. for the first time.. neither of us can honestly say.. "it's going to be ok.. we are going to pull through this TOGETHER.." like we used to..

I love him.. I love him.. it's simple as that.. the Lord has to see that.. God has to know that our love is strong for each other.. he has to put that into consideration.. wouldn't he?

It's so easy to say "Jesus, I trust in You.."

And I can say that a million times.. but probably only really believe it 10 out of the million times I said it..

It's hard to trust when you always feel so let down.. when I know that He does work in mysterious ways.. I know He does things in His own time.. I know all that.. I know that I won't see the answers now.. I know all that.. I know about all the encouraging words that people have been telling me..

I want to hear that our love should endure.. that because we love each other.. we should be able to make it.. that we should still be together.. that we shouldn't have broken up.. etc.. etc..

This has been the slowest and most painful week of my life.. I just want to wake up from this aweful nightmare..

I know that God will show His mercy.. that God is here with me.. His is carrying the cross I bear.. but it doesn't mean it still can't hurt..

Pray for me.. Pray for us.. Pray for something..