I'm in bed!

Ya.. so a friday night.. i'm in bed before midnight.. i'm gettng old..

I don't know if i'm gonna see justyn this weekend.. i don't think i am.. and that sucks.. cuz at this really fragile time.. i need to have his physical support.. but i'm being optimistic.. i had a good day today and so i think i can get through the weekend strictly by phonecall..

Today was bearable.. i know that i'm still in my hole.. but i saw the light at the end of it.. the climb was a lot easier.. my body didn't feel as heavy.. i felt like i climbed a lot.. i'm hopeful today.. today i feel like i can get through everything...

I hope this feeling lasts for awhile..

I hated how i felt yesterday.. i wanted to give up so bad.. i wanted to fall back down to the bottom of the hole and stay there for the rest of my life...

Talk about ups and downs! Yesterday seemed like the ultimate down.. therefore.. i belive that it's all uphill from here.. i hope!

Flippin' spaz!

My tummy growled.. i think it's hungry...nevermind.. left over Juan Pollo.. riiight..

So.. working.. that's what I'm doing.. just working..

Nothing better to do than blog.. just blogging.. actually I have a lot to do.. but so my timers gonna go off.. i better get back to worky work..

Aha! It works!

I think this is the one that was all messed up this afternoon. I don't remember anymore... that seemed like it was hours ago.. days ago.. years ago even!

Sigh..

I know my body is getting sleepy. I sense it in my eyes. They are getting heavy. But my mind and my heart are wide awake. My mind is racing with many, many thoughts. I don't understand. I feel a lot better than I have in awhile. But i still feel very heavy hearted. There is still that lump that sits in my heart and in my soul. It's been torn at a little and has shrunk a tad. But it's still there. Hindering a complete recovery. But it's not stopping my love for Justyn. Though it still plants ideas in my head..

Ideas like he really doesn't love me anymore. Like he wants to leave me. That he's going to break up with me. He's going to hurt me. He's going to break my heart.

I know he loves me. I believe it everytime I hear him say it. I believe it when he wraps his arms around me. I believe it when his lips touch mine. I believe it when I look into his eyes. But when I don't hear him.. when i don't see him.. the ideas come back.. the fears come back..

I used to be so secure.. what happened???

Wired..

Dang coffee! I'm wired.. and it doesnt' help being wired while in the mental state i'm in... i'm now anxious.. and my mind is racing.. i need to do someething.. but i have nothing to do.. i need to say something but i have nothing to say.. i need to hold something but there is nothing to hold.. i need to be with someone but theres no one around..

I need calmness.. i need peace.. just for a little while.. i'm begging to the powers that be.. give me peace and quiet and happiness for a little while.. i need to rest.. please.. just let me rest.. just even for an hour.. don't make me think.. don't make me dwell.. just for an hour.. let me be ok...

I need him..,.

Gary Valenciano - I will be here

Tomorrow mornin' if you wake up
And the sun does not appear
I...I will be here

If in the dark we lose sight of love
Hold my hand and have no fear
'Cause I...I will be here

I will be here...
When you feel like bein' quiet
When you need to speak your mind
I will listen
And I will be here
When the laughter turns to cryin'
Through the winnin' and losin' and tryin'
We'll be together
'Cause I will be here

Tomorrow mornin' if you wake up
And the future is unclear
I...I'll be here

Just as sure as seasons are made for change
Our lifetimes are made for years
I...I will be here

I will be here....
You can cry on my shoulder
When the mirror tells us we're older
I will hold you

And I will be here
To watch you grow in beauty
And tell you all the things you are to me
I will be here

I will be true
To the promise I have made
To you and to the
One who gave you to me

I...I will be here

And just as sure as seasons are made for change
Our lifetimes are made for years
'Cause I...
I will be here....
We'll be together, forever

'Cause I will be here

I want this song to come true.. that's why.. when things work out.. and we're getting married.. i want this song playing.. i want someone to sing this song.. because it means more to me now.. than it has ever meant before..

die, bitch, die

ok.. sounds like a plan....

I hate printers..

I think they suck! Big time! Good lord.. now.. usually.. i'm happy when i have something to do.. well.. not too happy.. but happy enought that i'm doing something productive instead of sitting on my ass all day doing not a damn thing.. but that's when everything is working properly..

IT"S NOT!

The printer is on friggin' crack.. i friggin' swear! OMG.. i'm gonna kick it in the ass.. if it had an ass..

Working Rachie is not a happy camper.. not at all.,. booo!!!

Let's get drunk!

Um.. ya.. we've got a large keg of water.. woo hoo.. good times.. good times..

I'm so sleepy.. i can't wait for Wondu to leave so that i can take a nap until i get to go home...

I'm going through my blogs.. one by one.. and i usually can find somthing intersting to type about.. but i have nothing to day.. abandoning all the problems and thoughts that run through your head really don't leave you much stuff to write about.. ya.. i am coming up with nothing..

Hmm.. let's see..

So i'm gonna go to 'unattainable goals' birthday party on sunday.. i've got some mixed feelings over it.. i mean.. it is my 'unattainable goal'.. and it was by far the biggest crush i've ever had in my life.. but i know that i've moved on.. and well.. he never knew how i felt.. so he obviously has a life of his own.. without me or even a tiny thought of me..

There was no way that we would have been togheter.. at all... i don't even know him other than what i see.. i see him and i think he's cute but i have no idea what kind of personality he has.. what his likes and dislikes are.. i base my 'love' on the fact that he looks good to me.. i have no idea what his beliefs are.. what his morals are.. if he like kids.. if he drinks.. if he smokes.. nothing.. i know nothing.. yet i used to be absolutely in love with this guy..

Young love really is strange...

A new pope.. a new beginning.. not just for Catholics.. but for all..

Ya.. well.. we have a new pope.. scary.. but change is always a little bit scary...

Thinking about it.. maybe i'm still adjusting to the changes that have happened in my life over the past half a year.. i mean.. i started a new relationship.. and that relationship ended up being way more serious than i thought. This is the relationship that i have been waiting for all my life..

I truly believe I found the one i'm gonna marry.. and i will marry him.. i have the ring to prove it.. hee hee.. i always thought i'd be completely ready when this guy came along.. i'd be ready to settle.. i'd give my all wholeheartedly.. i'd be so in love and in such bliss..

But i'm not.. i mean.. i'm totally happy.. but i find myself so scared about it all that i find ways to push him out of my life.. i don't mean it.. i really don't want him to go.. but my fears get the best of me.. the unknown is truly a scary place.. not knowing the future.. not knowing what married life is really all about.. not knowing true adulthood.. ya.. that's a scary thing.. but i'm sure he's scared about all of that too.. i'm sure he worries about how our lives are gonna be.. it was a change for him too.. not just me.. he apparently just handles change much better than i do..

All this insight from the election of the new pope.. hmm...

Oooh blogging!

Oooh I'm blogging.. everyone loves it.. everyone craves it.. they all wanna know what's going on in my lfe.. and life is good.. ya right

I'm sitting in Chino.. watching my SPIRITS... yay.. happy...

I'm officially bored.. and i'm not gonna see Justyn all the rest of the weekend.. that kinda sucks.. we've spent almost every weekend with each other.. we usualy spend two outta the three days together.. but this time we'll be apart... hmm.. that sucks..

Okay.. i'm done blogging..

What I need now.. is love.. sweet love..

It's the only thing.. that i'm just.. not sure of..

Seriously.. when you love someone.. you know it.. and i know I do.. but gosh.. it's so hard..

Marriage is a huge step.. and sometimes i wonder if he's ready.. i know i'm ready.. i think i've been ready for years now.. maybe at 19 and 20 and 21 i wasn't.. but i knew that i would be ready around 22, 23... i'm graduated.. i have a full-time job.. and i'm 24.. i've never been more ready.. i just knew that when i found the right guy.. that marriage would be the next step and i'd totally be ready and not scared..

Did i find the right guy? He wants to marry me as much as i wanna marry him.. but like i keep saying.. wanting is very different than being ready.. there;s a maturity level that comes with marriage.. is he there? I know with the financial thing.. we both have to wait.. things are in limbo where i work.. and if plans don't work out.. then i'm gonna change jobs.. and he's graduating later this year.. and if God allows.. everything will work out for us financially..

So i guess i'm saying i'm over the financial aspect of the problems we are having.. patience is the keyword in that dilemma.. and i just hope and pray that when he does graduate... everything will work out for us financially.. if not.. well.. then.. like here at my job.. i'll have to move on because it's for the best... as much as i love it where i work.. i cna't spend the rest of my life waiting for the other shoe to drop.. so.. the same goes for the relationship.. as much as i love him.. if things don't work out.. i can't spend the rest of my life waiting for that final moment of financial stability.. it may never come.. and my life would have been wasted.. and as much as that would hurt.. moving on is what is the best thing to do.. make sense???

And i'm not saying that if he doesn't get a good paying job a week after he graduates that i'm out the door.. it's not that.. if he's really trying hard to find that.. and if he has to start at the bottom and really work his way up.. then that's what he has to do.. and i'll be right there beside him.. every step of the way.. but if not.. then.. i have to be strong and go to where I can be comfortable.. its just the reality of life..

I guess the only aspect of my issues now is his maturity level.. he is probably one of the most mature people i've been with.. to a degree.. I know he can be mature when he wants to be.. and i know he is a mature person.. but is he mature enough for marriage..

With marriage comes a certain type of maturity.. i'm not too sure if he has that or not.. sure he's willing to work hard and he's got drive.. but there are also other responsibilities in making a marriage successful and it takes a certain kind of maturity to handle it all.. i really don't think he's showed me if he has it..

And it's not like I know what exactly i'm talking about.. i don't know how to describe it.. i don't know what it actually entails.. but it something you just know when you see it.. you know that he has it.. and i don't know if he does.. honestly.. i don't..

Oh.. gosh.. i don't know what to do.. the wedding isn't until a year and a half away.. there is still plenty of time to get to know each other.. and the more i get to know.. the more i fall in love.. but.. maybe my falling in love is blinding me.. i wish i knew what to do..

What now?

What do we do now? We're together.. but not really.. i just need to be unattached.. but i'm still attached.. i'll call him my fiance but to me we are only friends... what is this? Why am I putting myself through this? Why am i putting him through this?

Theres too much going on.. there's so much stress and drama.. if i don't give us the space now.. i'm gonna get so fed up.

Things will be worse than they already are.. i don't want to lose him.. i don't want to lose him at all.. i love him.. i love him so so so much.. i don't want to be without him.. but... its really dangerous to love someone this deep.. it's dangerous to love someone as much as we do.. there must be a such thing as loving someone too much..

I don't know what to do.. i'm so confused! so very very confused!

It's not what i want.. baby it's you..

I have to remember to bring home that ray charles cd that i burned for justyn.. knowing me.. i'm gonna forget again..

Five minutes til my timer goes off... then i have to do something in the lab for a minute! Geez.. then i get to wait another fifteen minutes.. then wait another fifteen minutes.. then i'm done.. that stupid assay takes forever!

Good gawd.. okay.. check this out...

There are 24 hours in a day..

I sleep for 6 hours (i always want more.. but that seems to be the average)
I drive a total of 4 hours a day.. if i'm lucky..
I work 8 hours a day.. if i'm not lazy..

That's a total of 18 hours out of the 24 hour day... that leaves... 6 hours of nothing time..

But...

On yoga days.. I use 1.5 hours of the 6 hours... leaving 4.5 hours of nothing...

What can be done in that amount of time??? Wedding planning??? In 4.5 hours??? Ya.. riiight...

I'm going to rip my nose off!

My goodness.. my nose is sooo dang itchy! I hate allergy season.. i used never be this bad.. i guess it comes with old age..

Sometimes I wish I understood life better.. I wish I could see my future.. to see if i'm really going to end up with who I want to end up with.. to see if all this effort and this stress is worth it because we will live happily ever after...

I love him.. i really do.. and I know.. that without a doubt.. that he loves me too.. but i know that love isn't enough.. there are other aspects of life that can make a marriage be successfull... love is a big part.. but it's not all there is..

I just don't think its fair.. sometimes i feel like everyone else's lives are better than mine.. it doesn't seem like everyone else has to go through all that i have to go through.. my cousin's seem to have it easy.. they didn't have to struggle to start a life with their significant other.. they didn't have to go through half of the stuff i have to go through.. they seemed to have it all.. even my brother seems to have it better than me. He doesn't seem like he has to suffer through as much stuff i have to.. he's doing fine..

I thought i was doing fine.. i have a good job.. i have a loving fiance.. but i suffer.. i suffer over the wedding.. i suffer over thinking about how i'm gonna be married.. i suffer with the doubts i have that we can actually pull it toether to make a life for ourselves..

I hate this.. i hate this realization.. but it had to be made eventually.. right?

So geez.. man!

So im supposed to stay away from SuperBrain.. is it my fault I found him on myspace? It was an accident.. i was just looking for other friends to add to my list.. i never in my wildest dreams thought i'd find him on myspace.. so i was uber-surprised to see him on that..

It's Superbrain! I've had a crush on him for about two years now.. but it's not going to amount to anything because im in love.. and being in love is way better than having a crush on someone.. and Superbrain is more the 'outta sight.. outta mind" type.. it doesn't matter to me if i see him..

He has his own life.. i have my own life.. kinda like my 'unattainable goal'.. we have our own lives and truth be told.. we do not know each other at all.. all we know is what we see of each other when we do see each other.. which is rarely..

I guess i can stay away.. but if i go to the pharmacy.. i have to talk to him.. he's an old friend of sorts.. we've known each other almost 20 years.. we met in the first grade and we were about 5 or 6 years old.. ya.. about 20 years now.. gawd-dang! That is a long time to know someone.. he's probably one of my oldest friends.. if we are even considered friends in the first place.. hmmm???

I can't shake this.. it's driviing me crazy!

I'm scared.. literally scared.. i don't want him to leave.. i dont' think i've ever fallen this far in love with someone before..

Clean-up time.. clean-up time..

So i might have dinner with a friend next Wednesday.. i hardly ever see him cuz he lives in another state.. but he's a good friend of mine and i miss hanging out with him.. he was our FlagBoy in highschool cuz he always carried our flag-bags for us.. he was a really sweetheart..

Needless to say.. my high school boyfriend hated him.. loathed him.. did not agree with our friendship.. well.. my high school boyfriend didn't really agree with any of my platonic friendships.. he was a jerk..

Well.. i just told Justyn about my dinner with my friend.. and he says he's nervous.. he has no need to be.. but i guess that if i were in his shoes i'd be nervous too.. i guess the thought of the person you love spending time with another guy/girl.. whatever the case may be.. I guess i'd be nervous.. i guess i don't blame him.. but i know he trusts me and nothing is gonna happen cuz i have it all under control.. i'm not gonna do anything to ruin my relationship... i'm way too in love to do something stupid like that..

Sigh...

I don't wanna tell him.. so i'll say it here...

I HATE HAVING THAT STUPID WEDDIING BURDEN ON ME! I HATE KNOWING THAT I'M THE ONLY ONE SAVING RIGHT NOW!

My diary...

Found superbrain on myspace yesterday.. i think hes seeing someone.. not that it should bother me.. cuz it doesn't.. not really.. i mean.. i have a fiance and i'm marrying the greatest guy to come into my life..

But i mean.. this is superbrain! If you only knew how big of a crush i had on him.. quite recently too.. and i still get a lil flustered going into the pharmacy if i know he's there.. stuff like that doesn't go away that quickly.. don't get me wrong.. i'm totally in love.. totally.. but.. this is superbrain..

I put the idea in my head that it would be absolutely the best thing to happen to me if he and i were to walk into our ten year high school reunion together.. married.. with a kid.. that would be totally the greatest thing.. but it's not ever gonna happen.. and i'm okay with it..

But this is like when i had that crush on the 'unattainable goal'... it took me years to fully get over it.. and i know i'm totally over that guy.. even when i see him.. or he comes up to me to say hi and gives me a kiss on the cheek.. it doesn't mean a thing.. not a damn thing.. but superbrain.. this is gonna take awhile..

I'm too scared to make myspace contact with him.. so it's probably not gonna happen.. oh well.. that's life.. i gotta learn to let these things go.. if only it were that easy...

I'mma go cra-zay!

It's Monday.. yes.. i have the case of the Monday's.. booo... hiss.. grr...

So.. anywhoo...

Let's see.. this weekend was awesome and mucho tiring.. I guess it's a bad idea to work your ass of in yoga on Thursday only to walk around for what seems like three days in a row..

Let's recap..

FRIDAY
I went to DDLand. Fun, fun, fun.. yet that was when i first felt the signs of old age... I actually burned out and got tired! Can you believe that? I've always been able to run around those kinda places with left over energy to go shopping afterwards.. or stay out and do some more stuff.. nope.. not this time.. this time.. all i wanted to do was go home.. I guess it didn't help that I missed Justyn and wished he was with us and so i was just thinking about spending time with him.. ya.. well.. what can ya do?

Saturday
Woke up early to go with Justyn on our lil six month anniversary excursion. Had uber amounts of fun spending the entire day with him. Walked around the Huntington Library thingy and whoa.. felt like I was walking about 50 miles that day.. but totally worth it to spend the day with Justyn... and i also got my engagement ring on Saturday.. it was romantical.. i totally got the butterflies in my tum-tum again when he asked me to marry him.. again.. gosh.. he can ask me that question about fifty million times and every time i think i'll still get that shaky feeling in my stomach.. i loved it.. i love him.. he's amazing.. sigh..

Sunday
Went to church and then shopping for stuff.. so i walked another total of 50 miles.. went home and veged for the rest of the day.. tried to watch Donnie Darko.. again.. to no avail.. did not understand it.. again.. could not understand it.. again.. oh well.. that sucks.. must try one last time.. but not anytime soon.. my brain is too fried..

So those are the events of the weekend past.. good times.. good times...

I'mma go cra-zay!

It's Monday.. yes.. i have the case of the Monday's.. booo... hiss.. grr...

So.. anywhoo...

Let's see.. this weekend was awesome and mucho tiring.. I guess it's a bad idea to work your ass of in yoga on Thursday only to walk around for what seems like three days in a row..

Let's recap..

FRIDAY
I went to DDLand. Fun, fun, fun.. yet that was when i first felt the signs of old age... I actually burned out and got tired! Can you believe that? I've always been able to run around those kinda places with left over energy to go shopping afterwards.. or stay out and do some more stuff.. nope.. not this time.. this time.. all i wanted to do was go home.. I guess it didn't help that I missed Justyn and wished he was with us and so i was just thinking about spending time with him.. ya.. well.. what can ya do?

Saturday
Woke up early to go with Justyn on our lil six month anniversary excursion. Had uber amounts of fun spending the entire day with him. Walked around the Huntington Library thingy and whoa.. felt like I was walking about 50 miles that day.. but totally worth it to spend the day with Justyn... and i also got my engagement ring on Saturday.. it was romantical.. i totally got the butterflies in my tum-tum again when he asked me to marry him.. again.. gosh.. he can ask me that question about fifty million times and every time i think i'll still get that shaky feeling in my stomach.. i loved it.. i love him.. he's amazing.. sigh..

Sunday
Went to church and then shopping for stuff.. so i walked another total of 50 miles.. went home and veged for the rest of the day.. tried to watch Donnie Darko.. again.. to no avail.. did not understand it.. again.. could not understand it.. again.. oh well.. that sucks.. must try one last time.. but not anytime soon.. my brain is too fried..

So those are the events of the weekend past.. good times.. good times...