What I need now.. is love.. sweet love..

It's the only thing.. that i'm just.. not sure of..

Seriously.. when you love someone.. you know it.. and i know I do.. but gosh.. it's so hard..

Marriage is a huge step.. and sometimes i wonder if he's ready.. i know i'm ready.. i think i've been ready for years now.. maybe at 19 and 20 and 21 i wasn't.. but i knew that i would be ready around 22, 23... i'm graduated.. i have a full-time job.. and i'm 24.. i've never been more ready.. i just knew that when i found the right guy.. that marriage would be the next step and i'd totally be ready and not scared..

Did i find the right guy? He wants to marry me as much as i wanna marry him.. but like i keep saying.. wanting is very different than being ready.. there;s a maturity level that comes with marriage.. is he there? I know with the financial thing.. we both have to wait.. things are in limbo where i work.. and if plans don't work out.. then i'm gonna change jobs.. and he's graduating later this year.. and if God allows.. everything will work out for us financially..

So i guess i'm saying i'm over the financial aspect of the problems we are having.. patience is the keyword in that dilemma.. and i just hope and pray that when he does graduate... everything will work out for us financially.. if not.. well.. then.. like here at my job.. i'll have to move on because it's for the best... as much as i love it where i work.. i cna't spend the rest of my life waiting for the other shoe to drop.. so.. the same goes for the relationship.. as much as i love him.. if things don't work out.. i can't spend the rest of my life waiting for that final moment of financial stability.. it may never come.. and my life would have been wasted.. and as much as that would hurt.. moving on is what is the best thing to do.. make sense???

And i'm not saying that if he doesn't get a good paying job a week after he graduates that i'm out the door.. it's not that.. if he's really trying hard to find that.. and if he has to start at the bottom and really work his way up.. then that's what he has to do.. and i'll be right there beside him.. every step of the way.. but if not.. then.. i have to be strong and go to where I can be comfortable.. its just the reality of life..

I guess the only aspect of my issues now is his maturity level.. he is probably one of the most mature people i've been with.. to a degree.. I know he can be mature when he wants to be.. and i know he is a mature person.. but is he mature enough for marriage..

With marriage comes a certain type of maturity.. i'm not too sure if he has that or not.. sure he's willing to work hard and he's got drive.. but there are also other responsibilities in making a marriage successful and it takes a certain kind of maturity to handle it all.. i really don't think he's showed me if he has it..

And it's not like I know what exactly i'm talking about.. i don't know how to describe it.. i don't know what it actually entails.. but it something you just know when you see it.. you know that he has it.. and i don't know if he does.. honestly.. i don't..

Oh.. gosh.. i don't know what to do.. the wedding isn't until a year and a half away.. there is still plenty of time to get to know each other.. and the more i get to know.. the more i fall in love.. but.. maybe my falling in love is blinding me.. i wish i knew what to do..