Epiphany!

So I finally figured out why i've been so sexually worked up lately... it's simple.. Sex and the City... I've watched the first disc and i was sooo worked up and good gawd.. and now i just finished watching the second disc.. and ya.. i'm so wanting to do it.. imagine.. i've got how many more of these DVDs i have to go through.. there were how many seasons to this show???

Oh well.. maybe after awhile I will be desensitized.. it's just the initial effect.. it'll go away after awhile.. i just can't give into it.. plus.. he's waiting.. AGAIN.. so i know i'm not gonna get any... so i couldn't give into it even if i wanted it..

I'm not complaining.. i'm actually really really glad that I don't have a horn-dog for a fiance.. i mean.. not so much that he isn't a horn-dog.. it's jsut that he's great enough to have the control to actually WANT to wait.. i like that.. i really do... and i'm seriously not just saying that.. i admire him for it.. and this time.. i swear i'll let him wait.. i really will... cuz i know that's what he really truly wants... no matter what.. i know.. i actually kinda feel bad for what happened on friday.. i knew i wanted it.. i've been wanting it for that past week.. and i know he wanted it.. but i know he wanted to wait to.. he was determined that time around to wait.. and i screwed that up for him... and i feel bad.. i truly feel bad for what happened..

So if he reads this.. i just wanna say 'sorry' for being so selfish.. and i swear that i'm going to respect your wishes.. and i'm going to let you wait. i love you so much and i know that once we get married.., everything will be great. So.. you go ahead and wait.. and i'll wait right there beside you.. i promise...

Don't feel like driving home..

I'm lazy.. i think I need a personal driver. I'm so sleepy right now that I don't know how well I am going to stay awake on this retarded drive home. But I should go home so that I can take a nap before rehearsal. Sigh.. rehearsal.. i don't wanna go tonight.

Well.. i must be sick.. i dont' feel like doing anything.. aww.. how sad..

Oops... No quote for today...

I didn't leave a bible quote today.. there was no time.. i was running late.. not to mention i woke up feeling like absolute crap.. i feel like some stuck those giant marshmallows up my nose.. Not pleasant.. not pleasant at all..

I wrote an interesting blog that i posted on two other blog sites. I'm not going to post it here cuz that would just be retarded..

I just find it so amazing that I can blog about how i feel about something and it relieves a kind of stress that i had. I feel a little lighter on that topic than i did before I started writing it..

Blogging has become an outlet for me.. it's my own little therapist. it gets out all the thoughts i needed to get out and it helps me feel better. I don't need to be witty or make my blogs completely insightful. My blogs are totally honest to what I am thinking and feeling at the moment.. maybe thats why people read my blogs on myspace.. not becuase they are funny.. witty.. and insightful.. but becuae they are completely honest and random.. they are what is exactly going thorugh my head at that moment.. no matter what the topic maybe..

Biogs are me.. they showcase the real true.. genuine me.. and maybe that's what makes them interesting.. i hope...

Oh geez.. can I go home now?

Wah! Congestion is sooo not my friend! I am congested in my nose.. i am congested in my ear. I am going to die.. i serioulsy belive I am goning to die.. i mean.. i can't even type!

My work day is almost done.. i really don't know what to write about right now. Im just here cuz I figured I should write something down other than those bible quotes.. well.. cuz it needs variety.. i don't know though the quotes.. i can't figure out what kinda meaning they have in my day.. so maybe i'll stop.. no.. cuz it's fun..

I'm sleepy but wired.. there are just a million of volts of electricity running through me right now.. i seriously think that the keflex makes me sleepy.. cuz i'm sleepy again.. hmm.. coincidence? I was sleepy yesterday after drkinking it.. whatever.. i can't type.. i'm gonna color..

Bible quote of the day: Job 6:8-9

O that I might have my request,
and that God would grant my desire;
that it would please God to cursh me,
that he would let loose his hand and cut me off!

Bible quote of the day: Psalm 130:1-2

Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord.
Lord, hear my voice!
Let your ears be attentivce to the voice of my supplications!

Bible quote of the day: Isaiah 44:22

I have swept away your transgressions like a cloud,
and your sings like mist;
return to me, for i have redeemed you.

Bible quote of the day: Isaiah 44:22

I have swept away your transgressions like a cloud,
and your sings like mist;
return to me, for i have redeemed you.

Bible quote of the day: Psalm 63:1-4

O God, you are my God, i seek you,
my soul thirsts for you;
my flesh faints for you,
as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
So i have looked upon you in the santuary,
beholding your power and glory.
Because your steadfast love is better than life,
my lips will praise you.
So I will bless you as long as i live;
I will lisft up my hands and call your name.

Bible quote of the day: Ecclesiastes 10:12

Words spoken by the wise bring them favor,
but the lips of fools consume them.

Ya.. today.. no fun...

Grr.. i just wish i can rewind today and start it over.. i am soo damn drained today! Mentally, emotionally, physically drained. This is NO fun at all! I just don't want to be here or anywhere. I have to leave at 3:30 because i have to get gas and then drop off that dreaded box at the FedEx Kinkos. Why i mentioned this, i have no idea.

I wish that life was simple. I wish that life was easy. I wish that life was just about being with that special someone that you love so much. That nothing else matters. Money doesn't matter. Careers don't matter. Making ends meet doesn't matter. What matters is that you are truly happy with the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Unfortunately, that's not how life is. You have to work for EVERYTHING!

Sucks, sucks, sucks.

Bible quote of the day: Psalm 131

Psalm 131
Song of Quiet Trust

O Lord, my heart is not lifted up, my eyes are not raised too high;
I do not occupy myself with things too great and too marvelous for me.
But i have calmed and quieted my soul, like a weaned child with its mother;
my soul is like the weaned child that is with me.

O Isreal, hope in the Lord from this time on and forevermore


This seems to fit what i have been going through, trusting in the Lord for the guidance I need. Knowing that though I have been going through so much, Jesus is still holding my hand and guiding me through it all, making sure that I take the path of least burdens. I mean, things could be worse.. but they aren't.. and that is why I am greatful..

Hmmm... song of quiet trust.. appropriate...

Oh geez..

This order is taking longer than i thought.. it's not that it's hard.. there is just a lot of components and things can get mixed up quite easily.. i just hope i'm not screwing anything up..

Anyway.. i still don't get why i ended up with that bible quote this morning.. i guess it's just one of those that i won't understand for awhile.. or it could be one that really doesn't have a lot of meaning to it at all.. we'll see what happens..

There really isn't much to write about.. i'm doing better with the whole blogging thing.. now that i'm focusing on stuff to write on instead of rambling about nothing.. it seems to be making me feel better. but i don't know.. we'll see how long it lasts..

I wanted to get a book of zen quotes and sayings.. but i figure quotes from the bible are a little more appropriate for me.. not that there is anything wrong with the zen thing.. especially since i do yoga.. it helps.. cuz i know that when one of my instructors reads stuff.. it makes me feel better.. but so would the bible..

And the priest said that it wasn't important that we read the bible cover to cover.. because being a Catholic isn't about how well you know the bible.. it's how you use the bible and learn to live with God inside of you.. using the bible as inspiration.. not as a rule book.. it finally makes sense to me.. that priest was awesome!

Bible quote of the day: Daniel 3:69

Bless the Lord, ice and cold; sing praise to him and highly exalt him forever.

I think i'm going to do these for awhile. Help me get some inspiration for the day. Granted, on somedays i'm not going to understand what it means, sometimes i won't understand it right away.. but eventually i'll get it. Eventually i'll understand what the Lord is trying to tell me.

On to my day at work...

Okay now..

So i think i've solved my depression issue. I think that the way i can bring myself back is to reinstate humor back into my life. I think that throughout these past fews months, i have neglected how life can be funny. I have neglected humor in all forms. I especially neglected finding the humor in the complete random.

So.. in an effort to gain control of my life again, i am going to return to being my random self. Thus, blogging about random things and such.

I am extremely grateful to the one person that has helped me through all of this. And he know's who he is. He got me to where I am now. And now.. it's up to me to bring myself back.. completely. Of course I hope I still won't be going through it alone. I know he's gonna be there. So ya.. he can help me in my quest for the completely random. Yes.. he will.. he just doesn't know it yet!

Hee hee...

I want to leave an entry..

But i'm not quite sure what to write about..

I knew this was what was gonna happen when i decided to write more insightful stuff... but wait.. this is blogger.. not a public (per se) blogging site for me.. this is one of the private-y ones.. okay.. no stress..

I can ramble here.. i'm allowed to.. considering i need some place to ramble about randomly.. all that constructed writing will drive me absolutely bonkers.. not that i've started.. but the thought of it is already driving me nuts..

I killed my legs.. arms.. boobs.. butt.. abs.. in yoga today.. two days in a row.. i feel refreshed, yet exhausted at the same time.. i really should be getting to bed.. considering that tomorrow is monday and i have to start another exciting week at work.. oh boy oh boy..

Hopefully we get down time.. so i can work on my lines.. yes.. i know i really should be on the ball.. i'm almost there.. i know more than i thought i did.. thanks to my hunny who worked on it with me this weekend.. i'm glad we went over it.. even though it was only just once.. it gave me an idea of what i know and what i don't know.. i know the beginning of act 2.. i should work on act 3 cuz i never even looked at it.. so i'll know the beginning and then i'll know the end.. its somewhere in the middle that we'll have to work on.. sounds like a plan...

Oh well.. and i am to go to bed.. right now.. so.. good night..

Kinda scared.. but maybe it's just all in my head.. i hope not.. but i'm not sure...

Ya.. that's a long title..

I'm scared about the direction that our relationship is going. I hope i'm just over-reacting.. but i dont know.. he can tell me all the words he wants.. but lately his actions are speaking much louder.. actions always do..

If he doesn't want to be with me anymore.. just tell me.. don't leave it up to me if you are truly unhappy. Don't spare my feelings if you think that we are just better off as friends.. i'll understand.. don't worry that i'll end up harming myself if we were to break up... it's not a reason to stay with a person.. especially if you aren't happy yourself..

I dont' know what to do..

Eeek!

BORED! Yes.. i am bored.. i should be working.. there is lots to do.. but i'm waiting.. waiting for word from my boss.. grrr.. oh well.. so i gots to do just busy work in the meantime.. but i did get one order out in three hours.. i'mpressive.. not really.. hee hee..

There is nothing to do right now.. i'm waiting.. no.. wait.. greek food! yay.. daphne's!

His fingers stroke those keys...

So i have that song from Ragtime stuck in my head.. oh well..

Rehearsals are going ok.. sometimes i feel like i don't wanna do the show.. the cast isn't as tight.. we're all kinda there just to do our thing.. oh well.. i can't expect a "godspell" cast everytime i do a show..

Though i must say.. that was probably the most fun i've ever had in a show.. that was THE tightest cast ever! I cried for the last show i loved it so much.. that was by far the best casting ever.. fun.. fun.. fun.. i met some of my closest friends doing that show.. Karl.. Nate.. Sheri.. I miss talking to Albery.. and Noah.. sigh.. Noah.. Sheri and i soo need to find him.. he was part of our lil trio.. we were inseperable.. Him and I were soo close.. i used to give him rides to the theater..

I remember the director just telling us.. "Oh will you two have sex already!".. apparently there was a lot of sexual tension between us.. or so she says.. i always thought that Noah didn't swing that way.. so i dunno.. but my "gay-dar" is soo off.. i especially knew how off it was in college with my friend Ryan.. oh ya.. he was the person i LEAST expected to be gay.. but he iis the coolest guy ever! I miss him.. i hope he's doing well.. on his way to pharmacy school.. i think..

Anyway.. how did i get off subject.. i was talking about the show i'm doing now.. and i ended up talkig about Godspell.. which then led to Noah.. and then led to Ryan.. wow.. talk about six degreees of separation.. of sorts.. lol..

Ya.. so Sheri and I need to hold one of those searches.. maybe go on Dr. Phil or Oprah or something.. big reunion..

Hmm.. a Godspell reunion should be planned.. that would be fun.. hmm.. lets see.. there's me, Sheri, Nate, Karl (the 'honorary' cast member), Albery, Chris, Roxanne, Araceli, Eddie, Diana, Goldie and the musicians.. good times.. good times.. good times.. sigh.. memories..

Booooo...

So.. here i am.. at work.. is there anything to do? NO!

Sigh.. it's ok.. i get to color.. i guess.. i'll work on lines a little big.. so i have some purpose.. i have the first two pages of my lines memorized.. then again.. i've never done them with the person i'm supposed to be doing them with.. i just do them in my head.. so we'll see how it goes..

Grr.. my ear is a-buggin'.. oh well.. that's life.. oooh.. body shop e-mail.. hmm..

Gotta go and check it!

Ok.. so this has to stop!

Ok Rachel.. this has to stop.. right now..

No more doubting.. just trust that he does love you.. just trust that he does care.. why are you questioning it? He told you... didn't he.. why must you always try to read people.. geez... you're wrong half of the time!

He loves you.. you love him.. everything is going well.. if you cant' see that.. then you must be stupid.. or you want something bad to happen.. can you just accept that you two will be happy eventually.. can you just accept that you are happy together.. can you just accept that things are working out? Why can't you accept these things..

So what am i gonna do??

There are so many weird things swimming in my head right now.. and it's sad cuz we had such a good time these past two days... i thought i could fully enjoy it.. but i sensed difference.. a difference that i knew was there because of all the issues we've had.. but i thought that i could work through those.. and trust that in the end.. everyting was gonna be ok..

Instead.. they've eaten at me.. through the whole night.. ate at my morale.. ate at my trust that everything was gonna work out in the end.. leaving me like this.. doubtful and scared.. and weighing out my options.. is it worth all of this.. two days of happiness only followed by a week of doubt and uncertainty.. i want to believe it is.. i want to believe that we will get through this..

I have to learn patience.. but it's jsut so hard.. i want things to work out and so i'm goin to stick with it.. but how long can you stick with it before it totally wears you down? When i can't take it anymore and i finallyl give up.. i don't want to.. and i'm going to try not to let it get that far.. but.. i know i have options.. it's just a matter of choosing who/what i'm going to end up with..

I hate when people doubt me..

So ya.. exactly what the friggin' subject line says..

Okay.. so he's my friend.. and we go way back since college.. but that's not really way back considering i graduated last year..

I love my fiance.. duh! So of course I want to get married.. don't tell me I'm not.. I'm going through enough issues with him doubting we'lll get married that I dont' think I need to hear it from other people too.. grrr... aggrevated much!

Prayer.. i need to pray..

Heavenly Father,

Please hear my cries. I'm desperate for Your guidance. I don't know where to turn to anymore. I can only do so much by myself and I don't want to burden Justyn with all my problems. He has his own and he doesn't need me to add to it. I want to trust You and surrender it all to You, but its getting too hard. I need Your help to get through this all. I feel like it's never going to end and I don't know what to do anymore.

I don't want any more tension.. i don't want anymore problems. God, please understand me. I know that there are many other people with problems worse than mine and I feel so selfish for asking for Your help.. but i just don't know what to do. I know You are a compassionate Lord and God.. so please.. show me some compassion.. show me some mercy.. let everything be alright.. let all these hardships be worth it... let me live happily ever after.. Please.. i am begging with all that I am..

I'm so lost right now, God.. please.. guide me on the right path.. show me the way back to sanity and happiness.. i don't know how much more I can take God.. so please.. help me, Lord.. give me answers.. give me peace of mind..

Amen...

Well.. well.. then..

BORED!!! Good gawd.. i'm bored.. i spent an entire 8 hours doing nothing but being on the computer all day.. didn't do a dayum thing.. that is really really sad.; i must say.. i'm wasting away..

On the other hand.. it's kinda nice getting paid for doing nothing all day..

Today is probably one of the most light-hearted feeling days i've had in the longest time.. i'm cherishing these days.. but i'm not gonna sit around and expect a bad day to happen.. cuz i'm going to try something new.. optimism.. it's new to me.. but let's see where this takes me.. who knows.. i might like it...

Restless.. impatient.. in need of change..

I wish I could do something forward.. get a new job.. plan a wedding.. do something.. i'm feeling slightly restless... i need a lil change in my life..,

Okay.. granted.. as a relationship.. we are moving forward again.. and i'm glad.. we're regaining our happiness.. at least i know i am.. i see it in his eyes.. but i also see the doubt and caution in his eyes.. i saw it yesterday.. in the back.. behind all the love i saw.. i saw doubt and caution.. i don't blame him at all.. but i'm going to work hard to get rid of it.. he worked so hard for me.. it's my turn to work hard for him.. it's my turn to be the sure one.. the strong one.. the optimistic one..

I'm scared to optimisitc.. i'm not quite sure how to be optimistic.. i'm not quite sure how to be secure.. i'm not quite sure how to be strong.. but i'm going to do it.. i've been working on it for the last few days.. and i think i'm doing a good job.. it doesn't mean that i'm going to stop being scared.. but i think i can be the person he needs me to be.. i know i can be the person he needs me to be..

it's about time i started carrying my share of the weight in the this relationship.. this is different from past relationships.. it's an engagement.. it's working towards a marriage.. and if we are going to make the marriage work.. i have to learn how to carry my share of the weight.. to do my share of the work.. i can't leave it all up to him.. i can't let him do all the work.. it isn't fair to him.. and it won't make the union of our lives work.. it's a team effort.. and i have to be a team player..

I learned that now.. and i'm learning how to do it.. i just need his support and i need his help.. and i know he's willing to give that to me..

And that's the change in my life.. that's the movement i've been looking for.. it's been right there the whole time.. i've just been too stupid to see it..

Ten more minutes!

I get to start heading home in ten minutes.. finally.. today was full of nothing.. i finished all taht i needed to do in a few hours.. leaving the rest of the day to do nothing but blog and surf and chat..

I'm sleepy too.. so that doesn't help much..

I'm itching to do something.. i don't know what to do.. but i wanna do something.. go out somewhere.. hang out with people... fun stuff and take pictures.. make memories.. do something.. i'm tired of work.. home.. theater... yoga.. routine.. i need activity.. sigh...

I'm feeling bored again..

I'm sleepy!

Oh good Lawdy.. i'm sleepy.. but what's new.. i'm always sleepy..

I went to bed early yesterday.. in bed by 11pm.. so that was good.. but i'm still sleepy.. i woke up this morning dreading the work day today.. it's monday.. i hate mondays.. and really didn't help that my boss was in 'nag-mode' today.. nag.. nag.. nag.. that's all he did.. it was a pain in the crotch! I swear!

I'm so ready for a new job.. but i wanna see what kinda offer they are going to give me here.. i've got almost two years experience in this place.. and considring i do a big majority of the things in the lab.. i should be able to get a considerably large salary.. if not.. then i'm outta here cuz even if i'm not gonna make a whole lotta money for a nother company.. if God permints I get Amphastar.. i'd be sooo close to home.. that would be awesome!