Restless.. impatient.. in need of change..

I wish I could do something forward.. get a new job.. plan a wedding.. do something.. i'm feeling slightly restless... i need a lil change in my life..,

Okay.. granted.. as a relationship.. we are moving forward again.. and i'm glad.. we're regaining our happiness.. at least i know i am.. i see it in his eyes.. but i also see the doubt and caution in his eyes.. i saw it yesterday.. in the back.. behind all the love i saw.. i saw doubt and caution.. i don't blame him at all.. but i'm going to work hard to get rid of it.. he worked so hard for me.. it's my turn to work hard for him.. it's my turn to be the sure one.. the strong one.. the optimistic one..

I'm scared to optimisitc.. i'm not quite sure how to be optimistic.. i'm not quite sure how to be secure.. i'm not quite sure how to be strong.. but i'm going to do it.. i've been working on it for the last few days.. and i think i'm doing a good job.. it doesn't mean that i'm going to stop being scared.. but i think i can be the person he needs me to be.. i know i can be the person he needs me to be..

it's about time i started carrying my share of the weight in the this relationship.. this is different from past relationships.. it's an engagement.. it's working towards a marriage.. and if we are going to make the marriage work.. i have to learn how to carry my share of the weight.. to do my share of the work.. i can't leave it all up to him.. i can't let him do all the work.. it isn't fair to him.. and it won't make the union of our lives work.. it's a team effort.. and i have to be a team player..

I learned that now.. and i'm learning how to do it.. i just need his support and i need his help.. and i know he's willing to give that to me..

And that's the change in my life.. that's the movement i've been looking for.. it's been right there the whole time.. i've just been too stupid to see it..