Is it all in the name of love?

Is there a point to be madly in love with someone, but be completely miserable with that person too?

Is it healthy?

I mean, if there is one thing.. just one thing.. that is stopping you from having a perfectly happy relationship and that one thing is so important that you can't just get over it or let it go.. and you're willing to endure the unhappiness so that you don't have to make him choose between the other thing and you.. is it worth it?

Is it?

Meow!

Disappate..

We are all still living in a smokey haze. It's not as difficult to breathe as it was before. We are all still hoping that the fires will be put out completely. There are so many people that have lost their homes and so many things.

It's hard to think of my life as complicated when you put it in perspective to those victims of the fire.

There are so many things I have to be thankful for that I can't just dwell over all the little minute facts of my life right now.

I have a home. I didn't have to evacuate. My home was in the clear the whole time. My only problem was smoke inhalation. At least I had a home to go to when I needed to escape the smoke.

I think that they have the fires under control and the weather is finally cooperating with them. I pray for the firefighters and all that they have been doing. I pray for their safety and I pray for their families. I don't know how I could sleep at night knowing that a loved one is out there in the fires.. ON PURPOSE.. to fight them off..

I admire the strength of those families.. I admire the strength of the firefighters..

If only I could be that strong..

Cloud of smoke.

I am living in a cloud of smoke.

Literally and metaphorically. Wierd. Isn't it?

San Bernardino (where I work) is covered in smoke. The smoke is coming down from the mountain and we are sitting in a big cloud of smoke. There is not even a breeze here, so the smoke is just sitting here. It's hard to breathe, my eyes are burning, my skin is drying. My head is hurting so bad.

They finally told us that we could go home if the smoke is getting to us. I most likely will be after I finish writing out my project report. I am getting dizzy each time I try to move my head.

My life feels like I'm immersed in a cloud of smoke.

I thought I was so sure in my decision. I thought it was finally the right thing to do. But I was wrong. I was so wrong and I would do anything to take it all back and to just be the way it was before.

But God has reasons as to why He puts these things in life. It was my conscious decision, but I know that my life is in His hands.. so.. I must have been steered to do this for a reason.

If I was meant to have him in my life, the God will find a way to bring him back. If God says that we have gone as far as we could, then I must accept what I have decided.

I can't change what I had done. I can't take it back and not expect the repercussions.

If I could take it back.. I know better what to do with it when I get it back..

It's never going to be perfect.. but I would like it to be Christ-centered.

A relationship thrives based off of love, communication and God. If those three very important aspects are there, then anything can happen. That's what I want... with whoever God decides I should share that with..

I offer it up to the Lord..

Don't stop til you get enough..

I just got back from my first year serving at the Cursillo retreat. As you know, I did the retreat last year. I absolutely loved it. It was so far one of the best experiences of my life. It changed my outlook on my relationship with God and how I express that in my daily life.

I feel so blessed to be able to share that experience with this years candidates. I wanted to make sure they had the same experience I did it last year. I hope I did them proud.

The fires around here are really crazy. I am close enough to smell the smoke and to get ashes rained down on my car. I am close enough to see all the smoke surrounding me.

But thank God I'm far enough at this point to worry about the house or evacuating. I am praying that it won't ever get to that point.

I do know several people that have had to evacuate and several people that have the strong possibilty that their home has been lost. I really hope that they didn't lose their house.

I'm praying for their safety and for the survival of their home. I'm also praying for the firefighters. They are risking their lives to save all of us. True heroes.

Prayer..

My prayer life sucks.

No, really it does. I truly feel like I don't pray as often as I should.

Granted, I feel like I'm in "constant communication" with God at all times. For the most part, I do have little conversations with God throughout the day. I usually find myself saying a quick prayer, or making a quick comment to God about things that are going on that very second.

But I can't tell you that I actually sit down, make quiet time, and meditate in prayer.

Hence.. my prayer life sucks.

How can I teach children the importance of prayer if I have a hard time practicing it myself.

Must.. be.. disciplined!

I told the kids today that there are always prayers you have in your mind. No matter how big or how small, you will always have a prayer.

You could either be asking for something or thanking God for something. Most of the time, kids only know about asking for something, but I wanted to let them know that prayer is also thanking God for something that they received or that they are thankful for.

I do that. For the most part, my prayers lately haven't even been about ME. They've been about my students, my friends, my family.. rarely for me anymore..

I need to start trying to take some time out of my day to thank God for all the things I have been blessed with. It's the least I could do for a life time of blessings He's been granting me..

Any suggstions on how I can go about making more time??

Another year starts.. today!

So.. today is the first day of my CCD class.

I'm excited, nervous, and hopeful.

I hope that this year will be better than any other the other years I have taught. This will be my third class. My first class was a blast, last years was questionable.. I don't know what to expect for this class.

I want to approach this class in a whole new light. I have learned so much from Cursillo and from listening to all those Catholic podcasts. I have a vision of how I want my class to be. I just don't know if that's the way it's going to end up. I'm praying that it will be close to what I'm imagining.. but who knows?

Well.. wish me luck.. and send a lil prayers my way!

Quickly came.. quickly passed..

Well.. my birthday is over. I am officially in my late twenties.

I really have nothing to be bitter about. I shouldn't have anything to be bitter about. I have no right to be bitter about anything when I know that the Lord has blessed me in so many ways.

Things are looking up for me. Why dwell over things I can't have, or don't have at the moment? Why obsess over trying to get something that is not accessible to me? Why do all that? Why not trust that God will make things happen in His time, and not mine?

I shouldn't have anything to worry about.

Except for this slight hang over..

"...and I will sing forever.."

Sometimes God throws you curveballs..

The Adult Chorale Troupe is starting up again for the Christmas season.. I was really looking forward to singing in ACT 2.. the solo group.. and I had the perfect song for the audition to.. "Where Are You Christmas" sung by Faith Hill.. I have been rehearsing it and working on it for awhile. I had sung it in the past and I really feel like I am ready to sing it again..

But the ACT 2 rehearsals are conflicting with my singing at Sacred Heart Church at 12:30pm. I can always rearrange my Mass attendance schedule but that would mean that I would have to sacrifice singing with the choir.. which I love..

I don't want the choir to think that my participation there is just an afterthought. I love singing in that choir.. I love serving the Lord thru the gift of song He was graciously given me..

I want to do both.. but I can't.. and I have to make a decision by this next Monday becuase that's when I am going to audition the song..

I think I am going to sacrifice ACT 2 for this show.. and then maybe compromise and allow myself to do the Broadway show's ACT 2..

Sigh.. this makes me bummed.. but I think I'm making the right compromise..

Keep on walking..

I made a personal declaration to myself to not give up on my life.

I just don't know how to stop feeling like I already have.

Life isn't fair. Everyone seems to have the life that I have always wanted. Yet they seem to be the farthest from God and any form of religion. They are "spiritual" rather than "religious" believing in the "higher power" but not practicing any faith..

Yet.. they are married.. some have kids.. and kids on the way..

That's what I want.. why can't I have that and practice my faith too?

Others do it.. why can't i?

I know that the answers are out there.. I have to stop sulking about my life and just go look for those answers..

But where? Where do i start?

What if the answers have been in front of me the whole time? What if it's right there under my nose? What if I'm missing the answers completely?

What if I never find it.. NO! I refuse to believe that I will never figure out the meaning of my life.. I refuse to believe that I will never find the answers..

Everything will be revealed to me in time.. slowly.. I just need to be patient..

Patience.. oh Lord.. help me!!

Me and Mother Theresa..

There is an article in Time Magazine about Mother Theresa and her "dark night of the soul."

Now, I have written about this in the past. I'm not sure how far back, but I know I have mentioned this before. I mentioned that I was going through a dark night of the soul, similar to Mother Theresa.

After reading the article, I never knew how deep the darkness was in her. She wrote things as if I were writing them myself. Mentioning things how God loves everyone else, and blesses everyone else.. but herself..

Everyone.. but her..

I mean.. Mother Theresa.. thinking God loves everyone.. but her.. MOTHER THERESA!

It's understandable for a person like me.. someone so insignificant.. someone not making much of an impact on this world.. to feel that way. If something were to happen to me.. the whole world would not mourn.. so.. it's easy to feel as God were to just overlook me. I believe in the goodness of God.. I believe that He is there for everyone.. but me..

It's more understandable for these feelings to come from me.. insignificant me..

But Mother Theresa.. wow.. she seems to be the one that the Lord has touched the MOST in our time.. how can she feel so detached?

It seems so surreal.. that Mother Theresa had felt the same exact things that I am going through right now..

Mother Theresa was such a religious icon of our time.. it's hard to believe that she can doubt and be human.. I guess she was just someone who I took for granted.. never even considering her human side..

I have so much more respect for her now.. knowing that she perservered through her "dark night of the soul," and knowing that it was just as deep as mine is now.. and to know that she got through it.. Knowing that she never gave up praying and praising our Lord.. it's very inspiring..

There is hope for me yet!

My mission.. should I choose to accept it..

Watching video podcasts. Catholic video podcasts. Well.. for the most part.. actually.. all of the podcasts and video podcasts that I am subscribed to are Catholic. Wait.. one of them is Homestarrunner but they don't update their video podcast.. so I don't think that counts anymore..

I have a strong need to learn and absorb as many things Catholic as I can. I want to learn so much about my faith and grow in my faith and all these podcasts and all the reading material that they suggest and point me towards have helped me a great deal.

So why not become a nun?

The thought has crossed my mind. And for awhile, my thought process was.. if things dont' work out with Justin and I .. then I'd discern that vocation.. well.. things didn't work out with Justin and I..

I just don't feel that my "call" is to religious life. I feel that I am to remain a lay person, but I do feel a pull to serve the Church in some deeper way. I want to be able to let all existing Catholics know what they are missing out on by not practicing their faith.

I feel that my call is not to really evangelize to non-Christians and non-Catholics.. but to "bring home" many of the baptized Catholics that have strayed from the faith. I want to make non-practicing Catholics embrace their faith and see it for all of it's beauty and to truly understand the origins of the teachings and to really study what is said from the Vatican and from the Pope before they make snap judgments based on the soundbites they get from global media.

I feel my calling is that.. especially for the children. I want them to understand and embrace their Catholic faith.. if children are raised with the knowlege and understanding of their faith.. then maybe the decisions they make as adolescents and then as adults would be better because they have a strong religous background.

And if it's just starts with one person.. and that person teaches it to their children.. and so on .. and so on.. then maybe.. just maybe.. the world will be in a much peaceful place..

All it takes is one person.. with enough love in their heart to believe that this can come true.. and the Lord will work things out in His time..

That Catholic Show on SQPN.com

I love this show. I love the website. It has so many great Catholic people trying to spread the good news of the Lord and teach us things about the fatih that most people might not know or might be questioning themselves.

I have learned so much and am a huge fan of all the podcasts and video podcasts they have on there. May the Lord continue to bless each and every one of them for all their hard work!

And I think it's gonna be a long, long time..

TGIF!

It's about time Friday came along. I know that we had Monday off, but I sure doesn't feel like I did. This week went by slower than the usual. I hope to have a pretty interesting weekend.

I plan on having a facial tomorrow. I need one, my face is in dire need of one. Hopefully the "spa treatment" will help me feel a little more relaxed. I have been holding a lot of tension in my jaw again lately. For some reason thats were I hold it when I feel so much stress. It gives me headaches and I have the beginnings of TMJ now. Yuck!

Pretty soon I'll have to be sleeping with a bite guard.. haha.. that's a sight!

I hope it doesn't get to that point.. or even to the point that I have to get braces again or something.. that would suck so much! I have resorted to keeping my mouth open from the inside at ALL TIMES.. even so much as to put my tongue between my bottom and top molars to prevent me from biting down..

Yikes! Crazy jaw tension!

OLD.. OLD.. OLD.. me? never!

Anyway.. with my birthday quickly approaching I have made the realization that I have grown up.. A LOT.. within the past few years. I can honestly say that I don't think I am the same person I was two years ago.. in almost every aspect of my life..

I mean.. I even have a different job! I go from a Lab Coordinator at a small Biotech company.. to a Senior Research Associate at a University Lab. I like it. It's been challenging and fun. Yes.. science is fun.

I think my biggest changed has been spiritually and religiously.. I know that two years ago I had re-embraced my Catholic faith, but at that point I was still what some would call a "cafeteria Catholic".. one that picked and chose what teachings I would follow and ignore the rest..

Now.. I believe that I am fully immersed in my faith and want to.. and try very hard to.. follow every teaching and am learning so many things every day.. I listen to so many Catholic podcasts and have gone to so many talks and seminars and retreats.. People look at me call me devout.. tho' my actions may look as though I am.. I still feel that I am so far from being "devout".. I feel like I have so much more I need to learn and accept fully in order to be "devout". I honestly don' t feel worthy enough for the title of "devout Catholic." I'm a "practicing Catholic.. deeply rooted in my faith.." but hardly devout..

And yes.. I do feel there is a difference..

Anyway.. So.. basically.. I don't know if this growth of mine has steered me into someone better or worse.. maybe a little bit of both. I've come to find that through the years I have let my head decide a lot of things for me.. and sometimes I really don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.. I have lost so much thinking and deciding with my head.. but at the same time.. I have gained so much too..

Well.. what do you think?

It makes me look OLD?!?!

So I chopped my hair off.. it's shorter than I had anticipated. I wanted it a little BELOW the shoulders.. he cut it AT the shoulders..

A co-worker says I look older.. AHHH!

You be the judge..

Missing the 80's..

Sideways ponytails.. mullets.. the outfits.. the music.. DEBBIE GIBSON..

Ahh.. the 80's.. when life was easy!

Emotional garbage..

I'm angry. I don't know why. I have this irrational anger in me right now. I can't explain it. Justin thinks I have to have an explanation for everything. I don't. I just don't. But the more he pries the more angry I get.

I know that the one thing I need to do is go to confession. I need some absolution of the sins that are plaguing my mind and my soul. I think that would make me feel better to talk it out with a priest and to pray to God for the forgiveness and to be granted that forgiveness and absolution. I think it would help a lot.

I never used to believe in confession. A devout practicing Catholic that didn't believe in confession .. me..

But the more I learn about my faith, the more I understand that it's not necessarily telling sins to another sinner.. Jesus had appointed these specific people to do His work in the absolution of sins.. though Jesus himself.. I don't know if that make sense.. I dont' think I'm explaining it right.. I don't know.. but it makes sense when someone else explains it.. but just not me..

I've never been a good at Catholic apologetics.. tho' I really think I should try to be.. because so many people have so many misconceptions about my religion.. and so many non-practicing Catholics have so many misguided notions about the religion.. I just want to set them all straight.. not necessarily for their conversion.. I believe that to each is his own.. but I just don't want them to think certain things about the Catholic church.. I'd rather them form an opinion based on FACT than based on rumor and misinterpreted teachings...

Is this the direction my life is supposed to go??

Youth is relative..

Someone had said.. "You're 27, you're still young. You have your whole life ahead of you to find that special someone to marry."

I guess..

But coming from a family that married off all the women in their early twenties.. the latest would be about 26ish.. then.. I am old.. I'm approaching my thirties and I am as single as you can get..

If I were to find someone.. I hardly think that jumping into a marriage solely just be beat that "married before 30" deadline is a smart thing to do..

If I were to find someone.. the earliest I'd be willing to get married is 31 or 32 ish..

Then.. I might want to enjoy the married life a little bit before jumping into parenthood.. so that means my first child could possibly come along by the time i'm 33-35 years old.. depending on how easy it would be for me to concieve..

Do you realize.. no matter how advance technology is nowadays.. how much greater my chances are of having a difficult pregnancy and having a child with possible problems are at that age?!?

Ya.. that is my greatest concern...

So.. ya.. youth is relative.. I may seem pretty young to all of you.. but to me.. time is ticking.. and is being wasted..

Losing my ability to blush..

Modesty.

Modesty and community theater.

It's like mixing oil and water. I mean, how do can you be modest when you HAVE do quick changes in the wings of the theater and everyone and everyone backstage is there and you have NO choice?

The answer is.. YOU CAN'T!

How can you be modest if certain roles call for certain outfits? How can you be modest as a dancer when sometimes the dance instructor puts you in these tiny little "tinkerbell" type outfits or in little leotards and what not?

The answer is.. YOU CAN'T!

There are certain instances, especially in the hobbies I have found myself immersed in, that modesty is just not an option. Modesty can be slightly detrimental to the overall outcome of the performance.

You can't simply run into the dressing room to do a less-than-five minute quick change.. especially if the dressing room is a little farther than just stripping down in the wings..

So maybe in a sense, I have lost my ability to blush.. but it isn't because I would go around flaunting and undressing like that in any other circumstance, but it's not like I really care anymore..

Does that make me a bad person??