I go crazy...

I can go home soon.. ya.. i wanna.. i actually wanna go home now.. geez.. do i.. i really do.. i'm exhausted.. i've been working non-stop since i got here.. again.. no time for anything..

Musicals are cool

I'm watching A Christmas Carol: The Musical... aww.. i wish the musicals we did were this cute! I wish we could do these kinda shows.. they are great. Awww...

My head hurts... my head always hurts... i think my whole coffee thing is back again.. i didn't have coffee today.. my head is killin!!! I need me a cup of coffee.. good gawd i need me the coffee...

I miss doing musicals... musicals are fun.. stressing.. but fun.. lots and lots of fun.. i miss singing.. doing this play is kinda boring.. i wanna sing... i miss learning music...

Rescue me.. and take me in your arms.. blah blah blah...

I really havve nothing to blog about. i don't really know what to say.. i have to pray.. cuz if everything goes according to plan then things can go well.. i really hope things go well.. i'm getting stressed out over it all... i really think that's what's goin on... it's all the stress about everything.. getting married.. finding the money to get married... religion.. and how we can get married with this mixed religion.. the money to get married... getting married within a reasonable timeframe... all the schooling we both have to go through... his schooling.. my schooling.. will i even be accepted.. if i'm not.. how much longer will it set me back.. it's killing me larry.. its reallly killing me.. i'm really stressed..

Lord, i need your guidance.. i need you to teach me to trust you.. and to trust in you ... teach me more patience... i believe in you.. you're working at a pace that is perfect for us.. please reassure me that everything will be okay.. i know you work in your own way.. please help me learn more patience... please help me calm down... help me trust in you more.. help me not question or rush you so much... Lord.. understand my situation.. understand how i am .. understand that i am learning more and more to trust the path you have sent me on.. i'm learning to accept the pace you've set my life in.. i'm just asking you to please let everything work out for the best... Amen.

I'm going crazy...

I must be nuts.. just cuz i'm bored and I have nothing better to do than blog... cuz that's what i do best..

Man, I feel like shit.. i don't feel like doing anything. I feel blah... i wanna crawl into bed and die.. just for tonight.. i'm not into anything.. i feel numb... i just wanna be alone in my room with my pillows and covers... bundled up in bed.. to sleep the rest of my life away...

Today i wanna be alone.. today I wanna die...

Lawdy, I sooo wanna die... forget everything.. the wedding.. everything.. i just wanna end my life today.. i really wanna die... i'm sick of my life...

Dilemma, dilemma...

So what do i do.. his sisters having a baby.. he wants me to be there.. i don't wanna be there.. yet i do wanna be there... i should be there.. but i shouldn't be there.. i feel really bad.. i don' t feel like going.. i'm scared.. i don't wanna go.. but i feel like i should go.. and i do kinda wanna go.. but i dunno!!! This is sooo hard.. i love him.. i really do.. i love him with everthing i am...

I just don't feel like i'm trying as hard as he is.. he's done soo much.. i haven't done half of what he's done... i'm not making the effort he is..

I feel selfish.. like i want him to try his hardest to work his way into my family.. yet i won't return the favor... i know that i have this problem yet i don't do anything to remedy it... i don't try.. i know i don't try.. and i still don't do anything to fix it..

Why do i have to do this.. he doesn't deserve someone like me...

hee he

Loneliness I thought
Was something in my past
He stepped into my life
And gave me a reason to live

But without him by my side
Emptyness onsumes me
The need to have him here
Becomes unbearable

I'm bloggin'...

I'm so damned fat! I'm gonna try on dresses tomorrow and i wont fit into any of them cuz i'm a lard ass! i cant wait to get married. But sometimes i feel like i'm doubting myself. Do i really wanna marry him or do i just wanna get married?? Do i really love him or do i just like being in love??

I doubt myself everytime he's not around. But then when i see him.. i realize how much i do love him and that mekes me feel better. it just scares me that i think these things when we arent together.

Its just weird how things turn out this way. i never in my wildest dreams thought that we would even end up together. i never even thought he was even relationship material. i was perfectly happy and content with it being a show fling and just never seeing him again after clue was done. i never thought that i would fall so deeply in love with him and actually marry him. its great.

but i'm still waiting for lifes downfall..... life never allows me to be this content....

Boyfriends...

Ultimate Survey (377 questions long)
Created by illusen and taken 7324 times on bzoink!
time started	10:28 am
full name	Justyn Derek Dodd
nickname(s)	B-Funk (bunny funk)
birthday	July 14, 1981
where were you born
zodiac sign	Cancer
height	5'10"
weight	145lbs
hair color	red
eye color	teal
shoe size	9 to 9 1/2
ring size	dunno...find out soon enough though
skin type (freckles, tan, albino, etc.)	white...w/ freckles
blood type	A/B positive...I think...or O
grade	not in a grade
GPA	3.0...usually...sometimes higher
siblings	I sister...Cristi
tattoos	yep...five...two on my back, two on my right leg, and one on my left
piercings	yep....10....five in my left ear, three in my right, my tongue and labret
hobbies	dance, choreography, ummm...plus too many others to mention right now
favorite
color	orange....YAY!!!!
food	pasta
candy	Sour Patch Kids and Gummi Bears! Now I'm hungry, thanks!
type of cheese	Extra sharp chedder...but Edam and Gouda are really good too.
pizza topping	cheese and pineapple...now I'm really hungry
salad dressing	bleu cheese
sandwich	umm...dunno
cereal	Raisin Bran....it's lovely
fruit	Banana...remember that cartoon with Banana Man?
vegetable	Cucumbers
berry	Cherry....great, now I'm starving...what's with all the food questions?
cake	don't like cake
book	Harry Potter series
movie	Labyrinth....Jennifer Conelly is hott
magazine	Dance...or Skin and Ink
newspaper	Press-enterprise...I guess
tv show	Family Guy....YAY!!!! It's lovely
website	myspace, homestarrunner, illwillpress
radio station	don't listen to the radio but right now...103.5 'cause they have Christmas music on now
font	dunno...never bothered to care
cartoon character	too many to mention...I'm a man who likes his cartoons
artist (painter)	I'll have to say Van Gogh...anyone who can cut off their own ear is cool...plus is stuff is really great
actor	Tim Curry, Cristopher Walken, Tom Hanks
actress	Angelina Jolie, Lindsay Lohan, Sandra Bullock
cd	don't have one...I like them all
song	"Whiter Shade of Pale"
music group	Billy Joel and David Bowie...cause he is the Piano Man and he is...David Bowie
music type	anything but rap, mariachi, and bluegrass
day of the week	Friday...'cause it's Disneyland day
month	October
season	Winter
holiday	Halloween...Marisa gots good par-tay's
shampoo	dunno...
conditioner	re: above answer
number	7...don't ask me why...'cause I don't know
phrase	"Oh geez, you got a booger on your butt"...and anything from Harry Carey
store	Hot Topic...I guess
weather	overcast, rainy
restaurant	the factories...Spaghetti and Cheesecake
channel	Comedy Central, Disney, Cartoon Network, Sci Fi, Food
teacher	was Mark Haines...until recently
weekend activity	going to Disneyland
hangout	Barnes and Noble...just kidding
house color	white-ish
sport to watch	don't like sports...unless you count gymnastics and figure skating
sport to play	none
animal	okay...normally I go into this whole classification thing...I'm not gonna do that now...you'll have to ask me
flower	Lily
guy's name	Taran, Daire, Deraj
girl's name	Kaela, Cassidy...not Jessilyn
board game	CLUE and Monopoly
party game	Cups
story from childhood	don't remember
body part	my...uh...left ear
have you ever
been on a train	yep
been on a plane	yep yep
been in a car accident	yep yep yep
caused a car accident	nope
run into a wall	nope nope
burned a potato chip	nope nope nope
almost burned the house down	nope nope nope nope
smoked	nope nope nope nope nope
been drunk	yep yep yep yep
been high	nope nope nope nope nope nope
broken the law	yep yep yep yep yep...but we won't go there
burned a cd (if yes, the one above is yes)	yep yep yep yep yep yep
kissed someone of the opposite sex	yep yep yep yep...ok...I'm tired of making more and more of "yep"'s
kissed someone of the same sex	nope
frenched an animal	uh...gross
made out	hee hee
had cyber sex	hee hee...no
gotten engaged	YEP!!!!
had an online relationship	nope
been rejected by a crush	yes...all the freakin' time
loved	yes
made yourself cry to get out of trouble	nope...can't cry
cried in public	re: above answer
cried over a movie	re: last two answers
fallen asleep in a movie theater	yes...during the Ring
given someone a bath	uh...nope
been to a boarding school	no
been home-schooled	no
lost a valuable item	yes
bungee jumped	no...but want to really badly
skied	no...weird, huh?
met the president	no...don't care to either
met a celebrity	yes...alot of them
gotten a cavity	once when i was a kid
shopped at abercrombie & fitch	no
made a prank call	years ago...wait no that was days...just kidding
skipped school	when I was in school
faked sick to get out of school	no
purchased something that you knew didn't fit	no...that's stupid
climbed a tree	all the time
fallen from a tree	all the time
broken a bone	my knuckle on my right pinky
sprained anything	ankle and wrist
passed out	yep
made yourself pass out	that's why i said yes to the last question
been to disney world	no...AND REALLY WANNA GO
been to a theme park (not disney)	yeah...Knott's, Magic Mountain...
said i love you and meant it (not to a relative)	yes
made a model volcano (working model)	no...I've led a deprived life
made a clover leaf with your tounge	huh?
past
what did you do yesterday	alot of stuff
memory you miss the most	working at Disneyland
memory you want to forget	why I'm not at Disneyland
something you regretted after it was done	re: above answer
the last
song you heard	a crappy rendition of "The Christmas Song" sung by the crappy Whitney Housten
cd you bought	Modest Mouse
thing you said	Modest Mouse
time you cried	can't remember....haven't you been reading?
movie seen in a theater	Team America...f*** yeah
thing you ate	Ice Cream...last night
person who called	Rachel...I love you
nail polish shade worn	black...don't be judging me
time you showered	yesterday
person who complimented you	Rachel...YAY!!!!
at this moment
what are you listening to	sound of the IM ding
what are you wearing	gray clothes and a sweater cuz it be cold...matey
what are you thinking	nothing...my mind is a blank
what are you scared of most	personal defromity and losing Rachel
how many people are on your buddy list	huh?
future
occupation	owner of my own dance company and choreographer for it
marriage site	trying to figure that out now
honeymoon	IRELAND!!!!!!!
place to live	IRELAND!!!!
kids	Taran Conner (boy) and Kaela Jade (girl)
car	jeep
what are you doing tomorrow	Having Thanksgiving....gross
do you think george bush will be reelected	he was
will there be a wwIII	who cares...it hasn't happened yet and I'll worry if I'm alive when it does happen
will politics ever be truthful	I doubt it
will humanity snuff itself out	probably
can the gov. be changed	probably not
friends
best friend	John Simunovich, Joe Impastato, and Rachel Viray...she's the most important one
funniest	Joe
silliest	ME!!!!
loudest	Rachel...sorry love
quietest	John
craziest	Marisa...I think...cuz she be crazy
calmest	John
skinniest	ME!!!
best secret keeper	all of them
worst secret keeper	none of them
the one you have but don't want	none of them
smartest	they are all smart
preppiest	none of them...thank god
peppiest	Rachel...she's full of pep
most hyper	Rachel...without a doubt...I love you
hottest	Rachel...oh yeah
weirdest	ME!!!!
biggest pervert	Joe...no contest
most annyoing	dunno
shyest	John
most religious	Johnny Mills
do you believe in
heaven	yes
hell	yes
angels	yes
devil	yes
god	oh yes
buddha	no
aliens	not really
ghosts	oh yeah
spirit (soul)	yes
soulmates	yes yes yes yes yes...cuz i found mine
reincarnation	no
love at first sight	very much
karma	kind of
love in general	yes
luck	dunno...luck o' the irish
yourself	sometimes
crush
who and when was your first crush	Sarah Kitchel in 4th grade
any now	no...engaged now
a celebrity crush	Angelina Jolie and Lindsay Lohan
who do you want to be with right now	Rachel
whos number do you want	no ones
who do you want to kiss	Rachel
what is something you dont understand about the opposite sex	almost everything
if you could go on a date with anybody, who would it be	Rachel...or the above celebrities
on scale of one to ten, how romantic are you	ten
first thing noticed about the opposite sex	their...uh...eyes
what do you look for personality-wise	nice, sensitive, caring, goal-oriented
biggest turn on	tenderness, love, cuddling, niceness...etc.
biggest turn off	smoking is the biggest one, rudeness, no ambition...etc.
something thay weat that turns you on	dunno...
something they wear that turns you off	dunno...
the most romantic thing you want to happen to you	it'll happen within a year
the most romantic thing that has happened to you	Rachel saying "yes"
what do you wear on a coffee date	clothes...duh!!!
is it right to flirt if you're taken	depends
is cyber cheating	don't know
are eyes the passegeway to the soul	yes?
who would you like to take to the prom	didn't go to prom and too old for prom
do you want to hug somebody right now	yes...Rachel
do you know what an aphrodisiac is	yes...hee hee
describe
mellow	yellow
melancholy	sad
the perfect date	anywhere as long as it's with Rachel
the perfect mate	rachel
how m&m's are made	chocolate made into a circle and a candy coating put on
why manhole covers are round	'cause they made them that way?
one or the other
coke/pepsi	coke...all the way, baby
sprite/7-up	either
boxers/briefs	boxers
gold/silver	silver
vanilla/chocolate	chocolate
flowers/candy	neither
book/magazine	book
tv/radio	Movies
glass half empty/half full	half full...you'll live longer
democrat/republican	Independent
colored pencils/markers	neither
coffee/tea	both
sun/moon	moon...hee hee I said "moon"
day/night	night owl right here
hot/cold	hot (water and shower)...cold (weather)
dog/cat	cats...but dogs are great too
button/zipper	zipper
cotton/feather pillow	either/or
blue/purple	orange
plumber/trashman	neither
jeans/shorts	deoends on if I want to show off my tattoos
long distance relationship/none	a normal relationship
mechanical/regular pencil	regular pencil
matt/ben	huh? oh, neither
that 70's show/simpsons	Simpsons
kelso/eric	neither
donna/jackie	Donna
bart/lisa	Bart
romeo/juliet	Juliet
romantic comedy/thriller	Thriller
nsync/bsb	neither
peanut butter/jelly	PB
waffles/pancakes	both...hmmm, German Pancakes
letter/email	e-mail
florida/california	Hawaii/Maine/Washington
pizza/burgers	pizza
hat/visor	neither
football/rugby	rugby
iceskating/blading	iceskating
movie at home/in theater	movie at home
first thing you think of when you hear
yellow	mellow
red lipstick	seductive
socks	wamr feet
cowtipping	how sad
moulin rouge	:::the show must go on:::
greenland	Ireland
iceland	Greenland
harry potter	YAY!!! HOGWARTS!!! YAY!!! DUMBLEDORE!!!!
red	Blood...hmmmm, blood
blackberry	ummm...boogers?
rose	cheeks
rooster	cock...hee hee
taxes	suck
bill clinton	BJ
whipped cream	bill clinton...just kidding
george w. bush	idiot
lollipops	yum
dreams	wet
love	Rachel
guys	me
south park	YAY!!!!
boy bands	Suck
pengiuns	I like Penguins
girls	rachel
thong	hee hee...:::let me see that thong:::
death	The only great adventure we have left
spoons	SPOON!!!!
junk mail	junk
dairy	milk does a body good
panties	hee hee
your father	he's cool
pizza	cheese with pineapple
britney spears	hot body...terrible voice
vitamin	C
are you
happy	yes
sad	no
religious	kind of
bitchy	no
crazy	oh yeah
messy	sometimes
mad	no
slacker	try not to be
nerd	sometimes
bookworm	sometimes
jock	HELL NO!!!!
preppy	HELL NO!!!!
selfish	try not to be
giving	yes
obsessive	about me...yes
violent	NO!!!
calm	yes
peaceful	yes
mellow	yes
eccentric	yes
caring	yes
untrustworthy	HELL NO!!!! you can always trust me
loyal	Yes
patriotic	no
perverted	sometimes...hee hee
colorful	yes
artistic	Very much so
miscellanoues
what color is your jacket	which one?
do you shave	yes
where	face and pits
what color is your razor	black
what size is your bed	umm...not sure
what color crayon would you be	ORANGE!!!!
what are the last four digits of you phone number	1641
feelings on abortion	hate it!!! unless it was rape
how lond does it take you to shower	depends
what does your screenname mean	that I'm a choreographer
thoughts on blonde pop stars in general	they're okay...sometimes
who so you trust the most	Rachel and John
is cussing a necessity in life	not really
how about coffee	YES!!!!
is the world screwed	if we continue to not care...yeah
what something you cant live without	Rachel
what time did you fall asleep	usually around 2
know what 69 means	yes
how about 143	umm...the number after 142?
can you live without a microwave	no
what do think about death	I'm ready...but preferable not yet
where and when do you want to be married	where? still deciding...when? a year from now
do you want to drop out of school	no
why is the sky blue	cuz of color refractions in light
what is a good trait about yourself	I'm completely genuine
what do you always think about	sex...just kidding...Rachel
what is wrong with your school	nothing
what is right with your school	nothing
how do you react to change	leader-y
do you talk to yourself	no...shut up you...hey, you can't talk to me like that...hee hee
what is your opinion on love	I love it
can you afford to lose weight	weight? no...fat? yes
what color would you dye your hair	already done it
best thing anyones told you	"yes"
what is your reaction to someone telling you you're hot	I'm speechless...what do you say to that?
does being psycho appeal to you	sort of
if you wrote a book, what would it be about	something fantasy
what would you change your name to	Deraj Reznik
longest crush lasted how long	don't know...currently the rest of my life
tme finished	11:41 am
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