As I start writing this.. February is about fortyfive mintues away..

FORTY-FIVE MINUTES AWAY..

Can you believe that.. didn't we just ring in the new year.. now.. we are minutes away from ending the first month..

For goodness sake.. i'm not even used to writing 2007 on things yet.. now i have to concetrate on putting february instead of january.. sigh.. i just feel like life and time is running away from me.. and i'm doing everything i can to just catch up..

But everything i do just isn't good enough.. it's never going to be good enough..

So.. why can't i just accept that and try my best with what i have..

I read something today.. on CatholicExchange.com.. it was part of the Homily for the day.. based on the readings for today.. which i didn't read.. but ya.. i never said i was perfect..

It's encouraged me a little.. especially during those times that i feel that God ignores me.. or is punishing me for my past.. when he always makes it seem like the world is against me.. this is an exerpt of what i read..

... “Whom the Lord loves, he disciplines.” Before we dash into misunderstanding, we need to clarify the meaning of “discipline.” To discipline is to teach, not to punish. What the passage suggests is that the Lord at times ALLOWS certain evils in order to draw forth some larger good — which, unfortunately, may not be immediately visible to us. God’s view is long term, and ours is so short.

If we believe that God is indeed a loving father, then the corollary is that in God’s good time all things will work for the good of those who trust him — even if we never see it clearly in our own lifetime...

So many ways are those statements true.. and when I read them.. I believe in them... and its' easy to believe in them when life isnt as bad as it usually is..

The hard part is still believing in it when you are at your lowest point.. that is where you discover how strong your faith truly is.. and i'm learning..

Baby steps... baby steps..

Finally!!!

It's done.. for the most part.. I just need to tie off the end.. it's still attached to the rest of the thread.. and then iron it straight.. and.. it's done!

I love it.. I'm so proud..

I want to frame it.. and put it up on the wall..

I'm working on two scarves now.. one of them more fashionable than functional.. the other one will be more functional than fashionable..

I'll let you know how it goes..

It's definitely the little things in life..

That's a plate of Salmonella something or other.. I streaked that.. hee hee.. I'm just so proud.. it's like.. the best plate I've ever streaked.. in my whole career.. it's all so clean.. with very distinct colonies.. there's a lil smudge of a half of a colony down on the bottom somewhere.. that's because I had pulled that colony to sub onto a agar slant before I took the picture.. I should have taken it afterwards.. but I didn't think of taking the picture til after I took the colony..

So.. the smudge is there..

I'm not sure which species of Salmonella that was.. only because I was working with a lot of types of Salmonella that day.. so I don't remember which one I took this picture of.. I was just very proud of the fact that I was able to grow it like that because it's a pure culture.. and so it can have the tendency to over grow and just look like lines across the plate without distinct colonies to pull from..

Especially since Salmonella can grow fairly quick too..

Yes.. so this is just a part of the thngs I do at work.. it's just a small part.. but it's the little things in life that keep life interesitng..

If Dr. John can do it.. so can I!

I took this from Dr. John's blog.

Grad Year: 1998

1. Who was your best friend? The infamous Ghetto Posse.. Janice, Nina, Missy, Cassandra, Bekah, Sara, and Stephanie..

2. What sports did you play? Sports? Yuck! I was in color guard.. we hung out with the marching band.. haha!

3. What kind of car did you drive? My brand new Nissan Sentra that my parents bought for me.. cuz I'm a spoiled brat like that!

4. It's Friday night, where were you? Either at home.. or at a color guard competition.. or out with my boyfriend..

5. Were you a party animal? Not really.. I wasn't allowed to be..

6. Were you in the "In Crowd"? Not really.. but I knew a lot of people..

7. Ever skip school? Not so much.. maybe a period or two...

8. Ever smoke? Nope!

9. Were you a nerd? Ya.. you could say that.. I was a science geek.. still am!

10. Did you get suspended/expelled? Nope.. and I'm very proud of that!

11. Can you sing the alma mater? Sure can.. wanna hear?!

12. Who was your favorite teacher? The science teachers.. and the honors English teachers..

13. Favorite class? Anatomy and Physiology.. I told you I was a science geek!

14. What was your schools full name? Fontana A.B. Miller High School

15. School mascott? The Rebel.. or.. when said loudly in a crowd.. it sounded a lot like "The Huevo"

16. Did you go to Prom? Both times.. Jr. and Sr. year!

17. If you could go back and do it over, would you? Maybe.. just to see what would happen..

18. What do you remember most about graduation? Booing the valedictorian and salutitorian.. they cheated their way to the top..

19. Favorite memory of your Senior Year? Vegas with the color guard.. Homecoming Dance with my posse..

20. Were you ever posted up on the senior wall? We had a senior wall?!?!

21. Did you have a job your senior year? Nope..

22. Who did you date? Mike for two years.. Jr. and Sr. year.. and then the first two years of college..

23. Where did you go most often for lunch? Stayed at school.. occasionally went out..

24. Have you gained weight since then? I did.. but I lost it.. thank God.. and now Im skinnier than i was back then!

25. What did you do after graduation? Did some modeling.. and then went to college.. and now I'm a spiffy scientist..

Simon.. simon..

I've caught the American Idol bug.. again.. I watch it almost every year. I think the only seasons I didn't watch were Kelly Clarkson's and Carrie Underwood's.. they just didn't keep me interested...

But its these earlier auditions that usually keep me engaged.. I love watching the inital audition process.. seeing all the bad people on it makes me feel like I can audition too.. but then I see the really phenomenal people on there and I know I'm not as good as them..

I guess you can say I'm in between the bad and the great.. I guess I'm ok.. a lot of people tell me I should audition and that I'm really good..

But that's what the family and friends of those bad auditioners tell them too.. so.. i don't know if I should really believe it..

I would love to work up the courage to audition.. but I'm terrified of Simon.. I just don''t wanna get shut down.. I'm already very, very self-conscious about my singing as it is.. and as much as I love doing it.. I am so very, very, very insecure about it.. childhood trauma that I never really recovered from I guess..

I used to love to sing as a child.. and there was a time that I had a hard time keeping pitch.. I lost my ear for singing for a couple of years.. I guess it happens when your young and you don't really know what being "off-key" is.. I used to love to sing in front of family and just anywhere I was.. I wasn't ashamed..

Until my grandmother (God rest her soul) started telling me that I was off-key.. and that I shouldn't sing.. cuz I was bad..

Made me so very, very conscious about my singing and so I only sung to myself for many, many years.. and I know it was in those years that I had improved a lot.. but I was still so very shy to sing in public.. so I never did it..

Until my mom finally persuaded me to take voice lessons at 18 years old.. my first recital made me SOOOO nervous.. so did my first musical theater audition.. those were the first times I had ever sung in public by myself.. now.. I'm addicted to it.. and I guess I did improve because I have been asked to sing for so many friends and family events over the past few years..

But I still dont' think I'm good enough for simon.. I dont' think I'll ever be good enough for American Idol.. ever..

I'll always have Rancho Cucamonga's Community Theater.. and the Adult Chorale Troupe..

Praise the Lord, I can see!!

Because Blogger was being mean to me.. I wasn't able to post my new glasses. I've had them for about two weeks now and it's amazing how getting update glasses can help make the world so much clearer. Too bad it doesn't go for all aspects of life..

But i don't get headaches anymore. That confirms that my headaches were due to the poor vision I was having through my old lenses. I see a lot better at night. I am very happy.

I have new contact lenses too with the same update prescription. I can see! I'm so excited!

These glasses are also "transitionals" or something like that. The get tinted as they are exposed to sunlight. I didn't need to invest in another pair of glasses. That feature is already covered by my insurance. How awesome is that?! Right now I'm enjoying the novelty of my changing glasses. It's so cool. I can't even tell they have gotten darker until I get back inside or I see myself in the mirror.

Sometimes its the little things in life that excite me.

I'm also glad that Blogger has allowed me to post pictures again.. yay for blogger!

Tick, Tick.. Boom!

Yes! It let me post a picture!

Anyway.. I love this show.. Tick, Tick.. Boom. It's from the same person that wrote that phenomenal show Rent. Jonathan Larson. I heart him so much. It's a shame he's dead. Im sure he had so many more great shows in him that he took to the grave.

Anyway.

I think I love this show so much because a lot of the songs are so relatalbe.

This is the show that the song "Johnny Can't Decide" came from. I had posted that song probably last month or so. I had said that the lyrics were really poinant to me and the people around me.. and they hit so close to home that it scared me.

There are other songs in the show that do that to me.

The one called 30/90 does that to me too..

Stop the clock
Take time out
Time to regroup
Before you lose the bout
Freeze the frame
Back it up
Time to refocus
Before they wrap it up

Year's are getting shorter
The lines on your face are getting longer
Feel like you're treading water
But the riptide's getting stronger
Don't panic, don't jump ship
Can't fight it, like taxes
At least it happens
Only once in your life

They're singing, "Happy Birthday"
You just wanna lay down and cry
Not just another birthday, it's 30/90
Why can't you stay 29
Hell, you still feel like you're 22
Turn 30 in 1990
Bang! You're dead, what can you do?
What can you do?
What can you do?

Clear the runway
Make another pass
Try one more approach
Before you're out of gas

Friends are getting fatter
Hairs on you head are getting thinner
Feel like a clean up batter
On a team that ain't a winner

Don't freak out, don't strike out
Can't fight it, like City Hall

At least you're not alone
Your friends are there too
They're singing, "Happy Birthday"
You just wish you could run away
Who cares about a birthday?
But 30/90, hey

Can't you be optimistic?
You're no longer the ingenue
Turn 30, 1990
Boom! You're passe
What can you do?
What can you do?
What can you do?

Peter Pan and Tinkerbell
Which way to Never Never Land?
Emerald City's gone to hell
Since the wizard blew off passed the map

On the streets you hear the voices
Lost children, crocodiles
But you're not into
Making choices, wicked witches,
Poppy fields, or men behind the curtains,
Tiger lilies, ruby slippers
Clock is ticking, that's for certain

They're singing, "Happy Birthday"
I just wish it all were a dream
It feels much more like dooms day
Fuck 30/90!

Seems like i'm in for a twister
I don't see a rainbow, do you?
Turn 30 in the 90s
Into my hands now
The ball has passed
I want the spoils, but not too fast

The world is calling
It's now or never land
Why can't I stay
A child forever, and
30/90
30/90
30/90
30/90
30/90
30/90
What can I do?
What can I do?


I mean.. granted.. i'm not turning 30 just yet.. and it's not really the 90s anymore.. but still... the feeling of dread and anticipation and feeling like my life hasn't been made the most of yet..

totally me..

Don't you think???

I'm giving up..

Justyn starts on MOnday.. I'm happy.. finally.. money for himself.. he'll finally get the stability he needs..

But it's still not enough for us.. it's never going to be enough for us.. and we are never going to get married..

My stupid parents and their stupid belief that they shouldn't have to pay for my wedding..

If you're old enough to get married then you should old enough to pay for it yourself.. we did.. your cousins did..

Ya.. that's nice.. and I think it is.. I would love to pay for my own wedding.. but it's impossible.. it's always going to be impossible.. and it's never going to happen anymore..

I give up..

I finally find the person that I love with all of my heart.. and am so willing to spend the rest of my life with.. and my parents don't care.. and my parents would rather find me someone else.. and my parents would rather see me not married at all.. or something..

I want to do things the right way.. get married.. then live together and have chidlren.. there's no other way to do it than that..

But there's no way it's ever going to happen.. ever..

I'm going to stay here and rot for the rest of my life..

I just want to be with him.. I just want to be able to come home to him.. finally have him next to me every night before I got to sleep and have him be the first thing I wake up to.. I just want to grow old with him.. I just want to be able to be there with our chidlren.. taking family vacations.. and all that stuff..

I'm getting old.. and I'm just going to continue getting old.. old.. old.. old..

I'm going to pass my "child-bearing years" alone and childless..

It isn't fair..

This isn't how I pictured this year to be.. I told myself "THIS IS THE YEAR.. THE YEAR WHERE IT ALL STARTS.."

This isn't that year.. again.. and it's never going to be that year.. it's never going to be anything for me..

Alll I want is to be with him.. and there are so many ways that I could.. we could just live together.. we could just elope..

But I have more respect for myself.. and for our families.. to just do that..

Yet.. the right way is leaving me all messed up..

So.. why still do the right thing???

So heavily burdened..

I've been feeling such a weight on my shoulders lately.. I don't know why the extra un-needed stress.. but it's there. There is no denying it.. it is there..

I need prayer.. justyn needs prayer.. he needs to start this new job soon... he needs to get that call that says "congratulations.. you just got a new job.. and for your grand prize.. your start date is..."

Well.. not necessarily in those words.. but you get the idea..

I need to just learn to relax.. i just need to learn to calm down..

I feel so burdened.. and I know that I don't need to be.. God will provide..

My mantra.. "God will provide.. God will provide.. God will provide.. God will provide.."

I just feel like.. He's providing for everyone.. but me..

Has everyone else felt like that before.. that you've been forgotten by God?

Now.. I know it's absolutely.. 1000000% not true.. but I can't help FEEL it.. I don't believe it.. but I feel it.. and sometimes.. those moments of weakness take over and I start believing it.. but I keep having to remind myself that it isn't true..

But how can it not be true when I feel like EVERYTHING in my life seems so messed up.. is that really God's plan for me?!

So many questions.. so many concerns.. so many.. feelings..

SNOW!

Why isn't blogger allowing me to post pictures anymore??

It's snowing. It's snowing here in my area. It's the type of snow that stays too, not the kind that melts the minute it hits something. It's actually accumulated on top of cars, roofs, and trees. It's not much. But it's enough to actually look at in amazement. This is one of God's miracles.

That is a very, very, very rare occurance. It's a very rare occurance for several reasons.

1. I live in Southern California.
2. But I don't live in the mountains.

The last time we had snow, I was very young. I believe I was still in elementary school. But it wasn't like this. It accumulated, but it looked very icy. This.. looks.. like.. snow!

I'm excited.

Part of me wishes I was in elementary school again so that I can run out there and try to make snowballs out of the snow, even though the "grownup" in me knows that there isn't enough. The child in me want's to run out there and collect as much of it as i can.. and watch it melt in my hands. But the grown up in me wants to take a picture of the beauty of it in my mind. The grown up in me wants to cherish the untouched affect it has on cars, roofs, and other things resting outside. The grown up in me wants to admire the peacefulness and the grace of God.

The child in me wants to run out there in my jammies, screaming and laughing out of excitement.

But the grown up in me is too scared to get sick.

I miss the child I used to be..

"Ladies and gentlemen.."

I wasn't planning on adding an entry here today. I didn't have anything important to write about. I didn't have anything of substance to really write about. I refuse to have this blog be a non-sensical blog.. well.. more than it already is..

But I found a topic.. so.. here I go..

Today is my parent meeting with my CCD students. Nervous? No. I dont get nervous. But it is easier to speak to a bunch of 3rd graders than it is to speak in front of a crowd of peers or people much older than you.

As you know, my class has been giving me nothing but headaches and potential ulcers. Things haven't really changed since I last complained. And yes. I have been really discouraged about teaching.

But with deep thinking.. I found that even though I am very discouraged.. I still kinda like it. I think my life would be kinda missing something if i weren't teaching. And so.. I think that I'm going to stick with it onto next year. My morale shouldn't be shot down completely over one year of a frustrating students.. I shouldn't just give up.. I should stick with it and see what happens next year..

So with this meeting.. I'm hoping to see a lot of improvement from my students. I just hope that this will be a wake-up call to the parents and that the parents will push them to strive for the best that they can do. I want to give them so much before they leave my class. But the students have to be willing and ready to take it. I hope that this works..

Maybe this time.. I'll be lucky..

Ok.. so I'm going to try the whole "posting a picture of my glasses" thing again.. Argh. Still. No.

Anyway, so what else should I write about?

I think I'm getting a cold. My throat is doing that slightly scratchy thing, though it's not persistent, it could eventually be. I can't get sick. I'm a singer. Singer's don't get sick. This is madness!

Oh well.


In frustration with the world
Held back, held down
Wanting more than what is given
Striving to go beyond

The world I've known
Goes beyond what i can see
Curiosity taking over
To journey to the unknown


When all else fails.. write a poem.. that's what I always say!

Singing.. as usual..

I started singing for the other church in Rancho Cucamonga yesterday. I was singing in an actual choir.. complete with coordinating outfits and a choir loft and everything. Way different from when I sing with my actual parish church. I'm not saying one is better than the other. I'm just saying it's different.

I liked it. But then again, I usually like anything that has to do with singing.

I'm not so into the strictness of the outfits and whatnot. I'm usually a free spirit and don't like being told what to wear and stuff. But, I know when I don't have a say and I know when I have to do something for the benefit of the group. So why try to be the rebel?

After all, I did just get there. I don't want to stirring up drama on my first week there.

I got new glasses. Well, I haven't gotten them yet. I ordered them. I'm finally gonna be able to see clearly. I would post up pictures, which was the point of bringing this topic up, but my blogger is acting up again and I can't upload pictures. Grr.. maybe next time.

Why can't I do that?!

Seriously.. I'm mad!

I mean.. here I am.. in my room.. sitting here listening to the goings-on in the house.. my brother is peeved.. what's new.. and he can easily yell at my mother and anyone else in this house.. yet.. does not get repremanded for it..

How is that possible?!

How come he can yell and treat everyone like crap.. especially me.. and get away with it?

Just because he's the youngest? Just because he's a guy?

This has been going on all our lives.. I'd go out of my way to be nice to everyone in the family.. yet.. i'm not allowed to show any kind of bad emotion. I'm not allowed to lash out. I'm not allowed to raise my voice. I'm just supposed to keep all my bad feelings inside and not lash out.

I was never allowed to have a higher tone of voice than my mothers. No matter how angry I was, no matter how upset I am..

Yet.. here is his.. getting all mad and peeved and telling her to leave him alone.. and yet.. she doesn't yell.. not even once.. she doesn't even get annoyed..

How is that possible?

How has he ALWAYS been able to get away with this kind of behavior without gettting repremanded..

I remember the one time I told my mother to leave me alone.. i was inundated with a two hour lecture about how ungreatful I am as a daughter..

Why does he always get away with being to lash out his feelings or to snap with his emotions.. while I was always told to not do so..

Why does she think that I always just end up blowing up after awhile?!

How is this fair?

It's effin' bullsh*t..

I am not Justyn.. Justyn is not me..

Blasted blogger won't let me include a picture in this entry. There's some sorta error. So now, this will be a pictureless entry. I hope they fix it soon.

So.. I have to remind myself. I am not justyn. justyn is not me.

He and I are always bound to have differences of opinion. He and I are always going to things a little differently. Granted, there are lots of moments where we agree and there are lots of moments where we do things the same way. But that was never a 100% guarantee.

I have to trust that his actions are truly to benefit him and us. I can't be in full control all the time. That's just not right. I'm not a control freak... or maybe I am.. but I should not let that truly control me and my relationship. I do trust that he knows what he's doing to make our lives better.. to make his life better.. he loves me.. and I know he won't let me down..

But he has to do that IN HIS OWN WAY.. not my own way..

Ok.. am I calm.. am I calm???

I don't know why I do that.. I guess it's the "spoiled brat" in me that demands things done my way.. or all hell will break loose..

I have to trust.. and I do trust.. that things will work out.. and that it's ok for people do things differently than I do.. especially my fiance.. he is still a separate person from me and we are to work as a unit.. not as two people that do things the way I do..

But sometimes.. and youre so gonna kill me.. my way is faster.. his is just the run-around before he gets to the point.. so.. sometimes I feel like my way is better..

But I shouldn't let that really kill me if he decides to do it his way..

Argh..

"There's been a change in me... "

So.. ACT (Adult Chorale Troupe) doesn't come back until March.. so I have lots of time to decide what I want to sing for ACT 2 which is for soloists and small group numbers.. and I really want to do it this time.. so I have my song.. and I'm so excited..

It's going to.. "A Change In Me" from Beauty and the Beast... obviously.. the Broadway Version.. as this session of ACT is a Broadway Revue.. I LOVE BROADWAY REVUES!!!



There's been a change in me
A kind of moving on
Though what I used to be
I still depend on
For now I realize
That good can come from bad
That may not make me wise
But oh it makes me glad

And I-- I never thought I'd leave behind
My childhood dreams
But I don't mind
For now I love the world I see
No change of heart a change in me

For in my dark despair
I slowly understood
My perfect world out there
Had disappeared for good
But in it's place I feel
A truer life begin
And it's so good and real
It must come from within

And I-- I never thought I'd leave behind
My childhood dreams but I don't mind
I'm where and who I want to be
No change of heart
A change in me

No change of heart
A change in me


I think it's a good song. It not only challenges me vocally, the lyrics really hit home with me. I have been through a lot of changes and a lot of "growing up" within the last few years.. not because I really wanted to.. I mean.. who really wants to grow up.. most of the time..

I have had my share of struggles and obstacles and from all of those I continue to learn and change.. so this song can really be seen as my anthem..

I hope I sing my heart out with this song.. I have about two and a half months to perfect this song..

After I audition with it.. there is a possibility that I may get to sing it for the concert.. I really hope so.. I really really hope so..

But let's concentrate on perfection the song and making it really sound like it's a part of me and not some song I have to learn.. which shouldn't be so hard.. this is.. like i said.. my anthem..

Welcome back, teacher!

Today is the first day back to teaching at the Church.

I hope the children had a wonderful Christmas break.

I hope that they learned their prayers.

I hope that their new years resolution was to listen more and engage more in my class. I can dream can't i?

I just don't know what it is but this class will be the reason I may decide not to teach next year. Isn't that sad? One little class can traumatize someone into hating teaching.

I don't know how professional, full-time teachers do it. Every year a different class. Some are good. Some are bad. Some are smart. Some aren't so smart. Yet, every year, they do it.. over and over and over again.. and like it... they like that challenge..

I guess this is why my full time job is in a microbiology lab. I don't have to force anyone to grow.. haha!

I think that it should be my new years resolution to be more patient and persistent with these kids.. but sometimes it's just plain discouraging.

I'm going to have a parent meeting next week, so maybe I'll address some of my concerns about their childs progress in this class and hopefully things will change for the better.

Starting to give this a little thought..

I want to start the year off with better blog entries than I used to give. So, before I started typing, I had to sit and think really hard of a blog topic that would be good to write about. I wanted it good enough that it didn't need to be supplemented by pictures because I am too lazy today to put any up.

Anyway.

Being that I am on a timed "blog schedule" because I still have to leave for work, there was nothing in the short amount of time that my poor brain can think of this early in the morning.

So that gets me thinking.

Maybe this early hour blogging is the cause of my lack of blog substance.

But I think about the times that I have blogged after work.. and I come across the same problem.. and at times.. it's a lot worse.

Maybe that is because my brain is so worn out from all the work that it no longer wants to think.. that totally makes sense.. ha!

So.. I'm starting the new year (sorta.. cuz I really started yesterday) with a pointless entry on how I wish I could write a better entry but can't..

How's that for substance!?!

Good bye 2006.. where'd you come from 2007?!

Well.. like a flash.. 2006 is gone.. and suddenly sneaking behind your back.. 2007 is here.

Since when has 365 days felt like a couple of weeks?!

But I guess if you really think about it.. we did squeeze a lot into this past year..

I went to disneyland.. a lot!



Went to San Diego.. and came back engaged!



Remodeled the house.. and we're finally almost done putting everything back in it's place..



Made so many new friends at a new community theater..



And made lots of friends in the blogging community..

"Time flies when your having fun"
I guess that can justify the speed of the year. Dont you think??